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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who is this man I am married to?

46 replies

Californiansunsets · 27/04/2021 04:09

DH and I split up this weekend.

I have suspected him of having an affair for months, of course he denied it but he got caught last week.

Since last November, when I suspected he has been telling me I’m mad, you know the usual story that you read on here on a regular basis. He has seen me not sleeping properly, not eating or drinking, I’ve lost 33lbs since the beginning of February. I have been a nervous wreck. He has been telling me there is no one else for him, he doesn’t want anyone else, he only wants me, tells me I’m his best friend, how much he loves me, but I just had this gut feeling, and my gut feeling was right and he got caught.
I can’t believe what he saw me going through and he kept denying everything. We split up in February and there was a couple of times he went to stay with his mum for a night because I was being “unreasonable and nagging and being paranoid. Why didn’t he just leave when we split up, why come back? He was always the one who asked to come back, it was never me. He would always say “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be here”.

He swore on my life, the kids lives there was no one else. He told him mum he wasn’t having an affair, he told our adult son he wasn’t having an affair!

Now, well he has done a massive U turn, told me he hasn’t felt the same about me for a very long time, I drive him up the wall, I drag him down. He only slept with the OW once, it didn’t happen before that, i never listen to him. He has completely turned everything round. I certainly didn’t know anything about how he was feeling.

The OW is his best friend, she is his outlet, she understands him better than me!

I mean who is this man I was married to? I even found out he had previously been on Tinder, he said it was just to find out what it was like and hadn’t met anyone from there before......pull the other one mate.

He has been so cold since Sunday night, but it’s funny how he has only started to be like this since he sent me a message asking if there is anyway round this that we can work it out and I told him absolutely not. He hasn’t got a fucking clue what he wants.
I could never take him back, he actually disgusts me, I can’t even look at him when I think of the lies he has told, and he has told them to everyone. I’ve told my friends and his family what he’s done (i don’t have any family of my own, so his family are my family as we have been married for 31 years), everybody is absolutely disgusted with him, and no one believes for one minute he wasn’t sleeping with her before last week. His mum was so shocked, told me it’s mental cruelty what he has done.

He kept telling me OW was telling him to work things out with me, yeah right mate she was saying that then jumped into bed with you.

I am so angry. He was telling me how it was going to be great the kids are getting to the stage where we will be able to go away more just the 2 of us as the kids are older, have more freedom. Well that isn’t going to be able to happen with the OW as she has a 5 year old. He has jumped from the fire into the frying pan. She is 15 years younger than him, actually she is his boss. Neither of them have thought this through and that’s 2 marriages destroyed because of this.
I do think there is depression there, but he has completely fucked his life up. He even told me “she has taken the place where you should have been”, my reply “you put her there, if you were unhappy I never knew anything about it”, to which he replied “No you put her there, this is your fault”. Fucking cheek!

What an absolute dick!! Sorry just had to vent.

OP posts:

everyonebutme · 27/04/2021 04:46

Sorry to hear this. I've been where you are and have gone through all the feelings, anger, shock, grief, etc. It's horrible but eventually you will get through it. Stay strong.

Hotchocolate92 · 27/04/2021 05:19

I'm so sorry OP. I went through this too. My ex turned cold when the affair was revealed. It was as if a switch had been flicked inside him, just a totally different, emotionless person. I really hope that in time things feel brighter for you You can let go of all the nervous energy of uncertainty and move forwards focussing on yourself and your needs now. He will be kicking himself inside. Best of luck moving forwards

beenwhereyouare · 27/04/2021 05:27

I'm so sorry he's done this to you.

flapjackfairy · 27/04/2021 05:57

Well he is following the well trodden path of so many men who cheat and is gaslighting you. He wants to justify to himself that he is still a great guy and it was all somebody else's fault ( or everybody elses fault ). He wont take responsibility for the mess and his failings because to do so would mean accepting that he isnt the person he wants the world to think he is. Or that he believed himself to be.
But inside he knows the truth and will be massively regretting having got himsek into this in the first place. It is all so predictable that it is laughably pathetic.
Stay strong x

redastherose · 27/04/2021 06:00

He didn't want to lose his cosy life, just wanted the excitement of shagging her on the side. Now it's all blown up in his face he has to make out it's your fault and that he wasn't cheating all along because everyone will know he's a cheating bastard. Basically he's trying to rewrite history so that he can try and convince himself and everyone else this is really what he wanted. Just always remember he's the weak pathetic cheater and you're not responsible for his behaviour, that's all,down to him. One of the funniest things my ExH said when he was ranting at me after we separated due to his affair was that he didn't mean for our separation to be permanent, he had said he wanted a temporary separation when I found out that he was having an affair and actually thought he could go off shag her for a few weeks and he could come back when he wanted. You won't feel like this just yet but life is soooo much better now. I was with me ex a similar length of time too 28 years and married for 26 with one adult and one teenage DC. You will be able to move forward and enjoy your life,

AngstyMom · 27/04/2021 06:01

So sorry, OP. Sounds like you're better off out of it- he's got zero respect for you

KatherineJaneway · 27/04/2021 06:08

Sorry you are going through this

He blames you for everything as he wants to look like the good guy. If "everything is your fault", he tells everyone that so it appears that leaving wasn't his fault and he was 'pushed' into the arms of the OW.

Iona345 · 27/04/2021 06:11

These cruel, cowardly bastards. He's playing things out in a very typical way. The worst of it is they almost always try and blame you. Suddenly he's been unhappy for YEARS despite appearing content. He'll burn up your marriage history in front of your disbelieving eyes.

I'm sorry OP. All I can say is, I know how you feel. X

Donotgogentle · 27/04/2021 06:11

His Mum is right, that is mentally cruelty. That lying and blaming you is horrible.

HugeAckmansWife · 27/04/2021 06:50

Oh yes he's read and learned the Script all right. My ex was the same, even down to the 'she told me to work things out'.. That's so they can absolve themselves. It's all about making their affair acceptable and the pain and betrayal justifiable. It's all utter bullshit and the nasty, cold, evasive behaviour you get after is because they know that. It sounds like you're being v strong. Keep it up. Get and stay angry. X

HugeAckmansWife · 27/04/2021 07:07

Oh and if he or anyone tells you after a month that any continuing anger is you being 'bitter' and sad and not getting over it, let rip at then. Its done because again, if they can see the damage, its harder to avoid it and you might, out of a desire not to be seen as bitter, roll back on the legal and financial settlement. Don't be vengeful, go for a fair settlement but don't for one second walk away from what you're entitled to.

Iona345 · 27/04/2021 07:10

@HugeAckmansWife yes "She told me to work things out" totally. There must be a website they can print these cue cards out from.

Wherestheteabags · 27/04/2021 07:18

He tried to have his cake and eat it and when it was clear that you weren’t to be fooled he gaslighted you. Stupid bastard. It’s the deceit and telling you that you were paranoid that is so nasty. I tell you something op, when in the not so distant future that you have your life back together and are happier than ever, he’ll be either alone or dealing with someone else’s 5 year old and probably miserable.
Search out some happiness for yourself, you can do it and the very best of luck.

coodawoodashooda · 27/04/2021 07:20

Divorce is such a harrowing public flogging. I am sorry.

Wherestheteabags · 27/04/2021 07:20

Oh yes, completely agree with being businesslike and getting yourself a fair and full settlement. It’s the right thing to do. Hard to see now, but he’s done you a favour by being such a nasty shit.

Original poster

Californiansunsets · 27/04/2021 07:22

Thanks everyone, I just can’t believe the way my life has turned out.

He totally underestimated me, I hired a private investigator to see if my gut instinct was correct and it was.

OP posts:

Orgasmagorical · 27/04/2021 07:32

The times I thought about doing that, Californian, I was desperate for evidence that he couldn't deny - respect to you! I could have written just about every word in your OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but as you can see, you're very much not alone

MsDogLady · 27/04/2021 08:06

Cali, did you write about your suspicions several weeks ago? He had informed you that he’d be spending all his free time with OW on an upcoming work trip? If so, I agreed that they were likely having an EA or PA. There were numerous clues: constant mentionitis, his searching her SM ‘because she is attractive,’ encouraging you to use her trainer and exercises, changes in phone habits, confiding about each other’s relationships, markedly decreased communication from him whenever they were away together.

This weak, selfish liar has no integrity. He is changing the narrative and shifting the blame to justify his heinous behavior. He is a cruel coward who allowed you to suffer greatly while he pursued illicit sex/ego massages.

Cali, your anger will help you move through the grieving process and you will go from strength to strength. Consider seeking counseling for extra support as you navigate these waters.

everythingbackbutyou · 27/04/2021 08:06

@Iona345, so much this. What I wouldn't give to know what my ex has told everyone about our separation (in my case abuse rather than - as far as I know - cheating). I'm sure it's a constant source of irritation to him that I insist on still existing - he would rather our entire relationship had vanished, leaving no trace apart from the children, the raising of whom he takes far too much credit for.

everythingbackbutyou · 27/04/2021 08:08

@Californiansunsets, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so disorientating to realise you thought you were married to one person, but they never really existed.

MsDogLady · 27/04/2021 08:10

I just saw your update about hiring the PI. I admire your determination to discover the truth.

Iona345 · 27/04/2021 08:15

@everythingbackbutyou so cowardly. The inward narrative has to be rewritten to clear their blame. So transparent too. I narrow my eyes everytime I hear a man talk about his "crazy ex wife".

OP use that anger. It's so incredibly useful and protective right now. I know it's hard but I wish I used mine to settle myself and my children legally sooner. There's a very small window of remorse these tools have, weeks even. I should have taken the runaway offer he gave but instead a 3 year costly legal battle started when he got angry with me for existing and getting in the way of his sunset escape.

ravenmum · 27/04/2021 08:23

Who is he? He's the same clone all the rest of us were married to.

Don't bet too much money on OW being delighted to take him on in the long term. He might find he has even more freedom than he was expecting.

everythingbackbutyou · 27/04/2021 08:24

@Iona345, absolutely. I have a long relationship with anxiety and depression, and I am certain beyond a doubt that exh has portrayed himself as a saint for putting up with my 'craziness'. He laid the groundwork during our relationship, where he would occasionally proudly let me know that so-and-so had asked him how he had stayed with me.

everythingbackbutyou · 27/04/2021 08:28

I remain somewhat comforted by the fact that he is required by law to give me money to support his children on a monthly basis. I'm sure this just kills him, as he doesn't think I deserve a penny of 'his' money.

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