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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dealing with vile ex H who won’t admit faults

35 replies

MadeinSW3 · 26/04/2021 21:05

Ex H and I still under the same roof past 7 months. Known for explosive arguments mostly started by him and his rage - including throwing belongings off the drawers over minor issues, slamming doors; swearing infront of children.

We have 3 children oldest 6, we both agreed enough is enough but neither will leave. We act normal around the children which is only 4 nights a week including weekend daytime due to work pattern. He sleeps on the sofa so we don’t have much contact.

Although I feel sad as obviously did love him the worst bit is I have no closure. His stand point was “ I can’t stand you, you make me behave like this, XYZ we need to divorce” he never apologised. He just started ignoring me after the last argument. Therefore I don’t feel like I have any closure. The main things that set him off were not following certain “rules” I used to think maybe it is me but it’s not because even if something annoyed him he should be able to tell me calmly not in a rage. He stormed out so many times. My children would cry from his angry rages, now they don’t see us interact.

Rambling now but not sure how to deal with it!

OP posts:
category12 · 26/04/2021 21:11

You give yourself closure.

You need to get on with a divorce and sorting out the housing situation, it's no good for your children to live in this atmosphere. Stop with the half measures and get things moving.

MadMadMadamMim · 26/04/2021 21:18

Well this can't continue, can it?

You need to get divorced and the finances need sorting.

First thing is to go see a solicitor. ASAP.

MadeinSW3 · 26/04/2021 21:20

Feel like I don’t have the strength to speak to a solicitor. We haven’t told our family yet.

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 26/04/2021 21:26

That’s so shit. Feel for you. Similar here but we are giving it one last go - we currently sat in silence, he does this expecting me to say something to him, I haven’t done anything wrong at all. He can fuck off!!
Look, you can’t carry on like this. What has he said about moving out?
Is he a good dad apart from when he is shouting and frightening them? If so play on that on how it’s not fair on the kids etc

category12 · 26/04/2021 21:28

You need to start making little steps. You don't need to be super-strong, you just make an appointment, you go along, talk to them and it'll start to grow legs of its own. You can't go on like this, it's not fair on your children.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/04/2021 21:34

@MadeinSW3

Feel like I don’t have the strength to speak to a solicitor. We haven’t told our family yet.
You don't have the strength to keep on like this either. So just take a step.
Macaroni46 · 27/04/2021 00:13

Well he's not really your ex is he? You're under the same roof and there's been no move from either of you to separate. And stop expecting him to apologise. That's just not going to happen and what would it achieve? That's looking backwards rather than forwards.
I think you need to think hard about what you want. If it is to separate then you need to get the ball rolling, see a solicitor, painful and hard though it will be.
Good luck OP. I've been there so I do understand. You have got the strength - if separating is what you want.

MadeinSW3 · 27/04/2021 16:37

He won’t move out until I file for divorce. I feel bad as he can only go to family, we couldn’t afford to run 2 home.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/04/2021 16:40

Your kids will know what's going on, believe me. Even if you think you're acting normal around them. It's really hard but you need to make a change. I managed 2 months in the same house as my ex after we decided to split and that was bad enough. So he can only go to family - off he goes then. Things will only go from bad to worse.

minou123 · 27/04/2021 16:46

OK, a bit of tough love coming here....

You can't control what he does or says. You can only control what you do and say.

Whatever it is you're looking for from him, you're not going to get it.

So you have a choice;
a) spend your energy and time looking for closure, an apology or trying to get him to speak to you properly.
Or
b) spend your energy and time starting your own life.

What he does, says or lives is up to him. You are responsible for 3 children. You have enough on your plate, don't add him on it.

3babylady · 27/04/2021 16:48

I'd file for divorce and put plans in to leave if he won't, no kids should be around this and it sounds like the closure you want is him accepting his part in the break down of your relationship which if he's as toxic as he sounds he won't do.
Give yourself the freedom of being happy with your kids and get out of that house.

MadeinSW3 · 27/04/2021 18:18

That’s true.

Why do some people have to be so ignorant Angry

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 27/04/2021 18:23

Closure is a fairly weird idea anyway.

Look, lovely, this is that horrible stage in splitting up where you can't stay and you don't know how to leave. Go and see a solicitor, get the ball rolling. Everything will start to flow, once you take that first step. You can't keep living like this , it is awful and destructive for all of you (and the children DEFINITELY know, sorry).

MadeinSW3 · 27/04/2021 18:29

Yes I agree the children know something is up. They are happy with us doing things separately but not the shouting.

For me I struggle having no closure or discussion as I am an open book, I can’t change that.

OP posts:
Siobhana67 · 27/04/2021 18:32

You sound very stuck a position no one should find themselves in, can I ask what keeps you here, and what you would want for yourself and children.
Sorry not prying just want to see if I can help work towards a way out.

FelicityPike · 27/04/2021 18:37

Could you go and stay with any of your family members?

MadeinSW3 · 27/04/2021 18:37

Us to carry on without him, him to go and take them once a week.

OP posts:
MadeinSW3 · 27/04/2021 18:38

He goes out now late after work to avoid me in the week atleast.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/04/2021 18:39

You can’t get closure if you’re living together whilst split up.

He’s not going to admit he’s wrong.

You’ll get closure when you’re divorced and can sort out reasonable co-parenting and living arrangements.

The house may need to be sold - are you prepared for that? You need to consult a solicitor.

Ultimately you can’t ‘get what you need’ emotionally from him so stop looking for that. Move on.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 27/04/2021 18:39

@MadeinSW3

He won’t move out until I file for divorce. I feel bad as he can only go to family, we couldn’t afford to run 2 home.
Then file for divorce?
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 27/04/2021 18:42

What kind of closure are you hoping for? An apology? An acknowledgment that he's an arsehole? Not gonna happen!
Time to put that idea behind you and get on with separating.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2021 18:45

Your "closure" will come when you get a divorce. Stop wasting time waiting for him to magically grow a conscience and admit all of his wrongdoing. You already know he's an arsehole, him admitting it won't change anything.

Hurry the fuck up and file for divorce so you can get your children out of that horrible environment.

Dozer · 27/04/2021 18:45

He won’t do / say the things you’d like him to, but the opposite. Living with him will continue to be awful.

Suggest seeking legal advice asap and moving forward to separation of housing, finances etc. And telling people you’re divorcing, including the DC.

Siobhana67 · 27/04/2021 23:02

This isn't good for you or your children,.if you cant talk you may have to leave, you deserve better and to be happy. Going it on your own will be hard but a better option than hoping he can make you happy.
Does he have somewhere to go?

category12 · 28/04/2021 13:00

What do you even mean by closure?