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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dealing with vile ex H who won’t admit faults

35 replies

MadeinSW3 · 26/04/2021 21:05

Ex H and I still under the same roof past 7 months. Known for explosive arguments mostly started by him and his rage - including throwing belongings off the drawers over minor issues, slamming doors; swearing infront of children.

We have 3 children oldest 6, we both agreed enough is enough but neither will leave. We act normal around the children which is only 4 nights a week including weekend daytime due to work pattern. He sleeps on the sofa so we don’t have much contact.

Although I feel sad as obviously did love him the worst bit is I have no closure. His stand point was “ I can’t stand you, you make me behave like this, XYZ we need to divorce” he never apologised. He just started ignoring me after the last argument. Therefore I don’t feel like I have any closure. The main things that set him off were not following certain “rules” I used to think maybe it is me but it’s not because even if something annoyed him he should be able to tell me calmly not in a rage. He stormed out so many times. My children would cry from his angry rages, now they don’t see us interact.

Rambling now but not sure how to deal with it!

OP posts:
MadeinSW3 · 28/04/2021 19:43

Closure on the marriage...

OP posts:
category12 · 28/04/2021 19:59

Yes, you keep saying the word, but what does actually mean to you?

What does it look like to you, what are you hoping for?

What will satisfy you?

Is it dependent on him doing something? Why?

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 28/04/2021 21:28

@MadeinSW3

Closure on the marriage...
So I've never had closure on my first marriage and I've been divorced for 10 years. He's a prick - always has been, always will be and will never admit that anything was ever his fault. I don't know the details of your husband's behaviour but it feels like you're waiting for something that ain't never gonna happen.
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 28/04/2021 21:38

@MadeinSW3

Closure on the marriage...
He is NEVER going to listen to you or apologise to you.

'Closure' is a bollocks euphemism for 'I want an apology and to be told I was right all along'.

Stop torturing yourself with shit that doesn't happen and get on with your life.

Dozer · 29/04/2021 12:54

Living apart and divorcing would be ‘closure’.

harknesswitch · 29/04/2021 13:34

You could get closure by divorcing him and moving on.

If you want closure from him you'll be waiting a very long time. I doubt he'll ever self reflect and admit his behaviour was unreasonable. You'll never get an apology, chances are you will be forever the villain in his mind.

Move on yourself

MadeinSW3 · 29/04/2021 21:23

True, I guess I believe because he has been so unreasonable maybe deep down he MUST know he’s done so much wrong.

Maybe he knows it’s wrong but feels I deserve it....

It’s easier said then done to just forget about that!

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 29/04/2021 21:36

@MadeinSW3

True, I guess I believe because he has been so unreasonable maybe deep down he MUST know he’s done so much wrong.

Maybe he knows it’s wrong but feels I deserve it....

It’s easier said then done to just forget about that!

Please save yourself years of torture. Take it from someone who has been there. Men like that will never admit they're wrong.
Beancounter1 · 29/04/2021 22:06

Hi
You say "True, I guess I believe because he has been so unreasonable maybe deep down he MUST know he’s done so much wrong.
Maybe he knows it’s wrong but feels I deserve it...."

More likely that deep, deep down he really, really believes he is right and you are wrong!
So what?
Get over your need to BE right.
Just go see a solicitor.

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2021 22:28

It’s easier said then done to just forget about that!

Yes. Easier said than done.

But you can realise this - that it will be hard but necessary- and then make steps yourself to move on. Divorce, counselling/therapy for you - anything that doesn’t involve him or his opinion or an apology.

Because you won’t get an apology.

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