Question about husbands

[Theyarealltaken]

Is your husband helping you with cleaning the house? Would he ever (on his own) do the laundry or hoover or wipe something down?
I really struggle in my relationship...I’m the super clean and tidy one and my partner just makes a mess and it doesn’t bother him. The amount of arguments we had about that is just ridiculous. I clean, he doesn’t appreciate it and just makes a mess, “cleans” his own way and that’s the circle. It’s much worse since we got a dog and will be even more when we have a baby (I’m currently 34 weeks). I’m tired of constant battle but I just can’t relax when the house is untidy. I don’t know how to get out of this situation and I feel like it’s damaging our relationship. I feel like I’m not being respected for what I do and he thinks that I’m an ocd weirdo. We just had a big fight about baby room, when he came in, touched light grey wall after making himself a bacon sandwich and left a 5 fingers stain in my perfect baby room 🥺 my mood is broken for the rest of the day and he just doesn’t see anything wrong about that. I’m going crazy in this house, I sometimes wish I could leave on my own...

You can live on your own if you want to, he sounds very disrespectful

Get a cleaner and tell him if he can't do his share, he can pay for it.

Sounds like a bigger issue than cleaning.

My husband doesn't really do any cleaning but it doesn't bother me. He makes me happy in many other ways, is supportive and kind and I enjoy his company.

He sounds like a disrespectful manchild. Does his penis get in the way of him contributing? Did his mummy do everything for him and you have stepped into her role?

Bin him. At least if it was just you, the baby and the dog you'd have less mess to clear up after and less stress over having to do his share while he does fuck all.

Posters will be along to suggests lists and rotas or the ever helpful 'get a cleaner' that but shouldn't be needed to get an adult that is about to have a child to take care of to pull their weight. Pathetic.

He should be doing his share but you can’t dictate the standard you want. He might be happy with a messy house.

Is your husband helping you with cleaning the house? Would he ever (on his own) do the laundry or hoover or wipe something down?

“Helping” implies that it’s your responsibility (by virtue of being female?).

I’m married to an adult who does all the things adults do, as do I. That includes cooking, cleaning, childcare, washing, ironing gardening, DIY, finances........ I wouldn’t have married or had children with someone that didn’t or who needed to be told.

Sounds like you married a child to be honest. Can’t imagine anything more of a turn off.

No he doesn't help me because that implies it's actually my job and he's doing me a favour.
He pulls his weight.

OP,

You poor woman.

You have made a huge mistake having a baby with a selfish, lazy waster.

This is who he is.
You married him.
You are the house skivvy and he likes it.
He has no intention of changing.
Why would he?

You married him knowing he was a dirty laxy man.
Now you are pregnant by him knowing he is a dirty lazy man.

You know this.
You knew before you got pregnant.

He's also a dirty person.
Only a filthy person would put greasy fingers on a clean wall.

He's very disrespectful of you.

He won't change when the baby comes.
His laziness will get worse and he will be a source of stress and sadness spoiling a happy time.

Don't give up your job as it is highly unlikely you will remain with him.

His lazy selfishness will ruin the relationship.

Stop cooking and cleaning and laundry.

Get him to move to the spare room and don't go in there.

It will be better to be set up in the bedroom with the baby.

You have 6 weeks to reach out to family and friends for support.

It's highly unlikely he will step up.

Get used to being organised yourself.
But stop doing ANYTHING for him now.

You will need the energy for the baby.

Try not to upset yourself.
Just prepare yourself to do this alone.

He has shown you clearly who he is and you ignored it.

Focus on the baby and getting support IRL.
Perhaps take this time to look at how difficult it would e if you split up.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

*Is your husband helping you with cleaning the house? Would he ever (on his own) do the laundry or hoover or wipe something down?

Of course, It's OUR home.

He taught me to cook and use a sewing machine. I taught him how to care for babies and make a garden. Everything else we worked out together as we went along.

Your baby is going to make far more mess and fingerprints on walls than he does,  and it won't clean up after itself. So  I suggest you prepare yourself for a little self-adjustment.

Mine does sod all— but I have lowered my standards too so don’t fret about it anymore. He works far harder than I do too if I am honest

Mine does his fair share. He doesn’t ‘help me’ because he’s a grown ass man who lives in this house just as much as I do. We each have jobs that we gravitate to though. I do most of the cooking; he does most of the loading and unloading the dishwasher and wiping down surfaces and cupboards. I do most of the vacuuming, polishing and laundry. He does most of the bed changing, bins and folding clothes and putting them away. We’re not neat freaks though - and we have similar attitudes to cleaning - it’s about 70% there most of the time.

What billy said.

Every.single.day. These poor women who shack up, marry and procreate with a lazy sexist manchild.

They never change, OP. EVER. No chats, arguments, rotas, crying, hiring cleaners or anything works with twats like this because they fundamentally believe being an adult who pulls their weight in life is women's work.

My DH likes to tidy the kitchen (ie clean the sides and do the dishwasher), so he voluntarily does that without being asked but everything else falls to me. I hate to say it but that dynamic definitely plays out in our parenting relationship too (DS is now 3 and I'm due shortly with DC2). For example it's assumed I'll sit with DC at bedtime to settle him, I do his bath every night. DH says all I have to do is ask him to help with the bath etc but I've said I don't see why it should be assumed that I'm automatically doing it, so I shouldn't need to ask him to occasionally do it, he should offer. Three years in and I'm still waiting for the spontaneous offering of bathing DS, or doing a wash load (he's done one in the seven years we've been together and that was with me asking and then having to write him instructions for the washing machine as he said he couldn't work it out... Don't be me!!!)

Oh op, some replies so harsh..
But I read this slightly more 50/50..
The bacon sandwich finger prints on your wall..
I mean yes, incredibly annoying, and may feel disrespectful but he may genuinely not realised his silly mucky hands were going to do that.
I'm speaking as the partner of someone who likes a clean house, some of his expectations are beyond me, for example, sometimes I'll leave watermarks on the draining board. This will annoy the hell out of him, he will instantly come in and clean the water marks, whilst huffing.

To me, I hadn't even noticed, and not just that, but having noticed, it wouldn't even be on my radar to clean them.

You've self admitted that you seem a little OCD, things might genuinely not be on his radar.

My DP is funny about water marks, but will fully walk into the house with his work boots after I've mopped the floor. I feel your frustration.

However I've learned, and so as he, the compromise, we live together and neither of us is perfect and never will be. I've learned to relax and so as he.

As long as DP is doing some of his fair share, sometimes you have to let certain things go.

When baby arrives, finger marks from a bacon sarnie will be the least of your worries.

Take it easy, see if you can compromise and relax on some things.

Oh, but I should have said DH does do 50% of the cooking, as this is something he enjoys. I have calmly reflected that cleaning three toilets for seven years isn't exactly something I enjoy doing ... But still needs doing (!) 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

He sounds like a waste of space OP. Has he always been like this or got worse over time?

I was away for the night at the end of last week and when I got home DP had absolutely blitzed the house from top to bottom including 3 loads of laundry so I didn't have to do anything when I came back. I've done the same when he's been away or having a particularly busy time at work. Usually we just each do what needs doing as it needs doing.

If he didn't pull his weight then he wouldn't live here, simply.

Thanks @Billythecandlestickmaker !
As you said “it’s not on his radar”. He just doesn’t see those things and if he does it’s just a normal “house use” for him whether I’m just super clean. It is hard tho because it’s all on me, I think I would need to wait maybe a month ? before he hoovers the floor. Best part is that we do have a cleaner that comes every 2 weeks but it’s about keeping the house tidy in between. He’s obviously not all bad and I wouldn’t just “get rid” of him ! He’s a loving, funny and intelligent man and will make a great father. It’s just the cleaning bit that I’m afraid will never change ..

@ImInStealthMode wow, that’s lovely of him doing all this jobs ! That’s something that would unfortunately never happen in my case. And “has he always been like this?” - YES, he was way worse when I met him, he used to rent a room in his flat to a couple and everything would be sticky and yucky 🤢 he got better with me and does put some effort, but it’s just not enough for me.

I think you need a calm but honest discussion around what level of cleanliness and tidiness you each want and find a reasonable compromise.
Then you need to talk about comparative workloads and input to your shared household. If you are both working full time, the household tasks need to be shared. That might not be a washing rota but might be him taking the bin out whilst you load dishwasher. If you’re not both working full time, that needs taking into consideration.
If you are genuinely struggling around minor lapses in tidiness and think some compulsive tendencies are interfering with your life and relationship, you might want to seek medical advice.

You may need to modify your expectations when the baby arrives. You also perhaps need to develop the mindset that it is babies room as much as yours. The baby isn’t going to be in there for some considerable time, so you’ve a while to wipe the fingerprints off.

You need it to be about your shared household and parenting, not ‘yours’. He has a voice too. That said he needs a mindset that it’s his responsibility and he’s not ‘helping’ you.

Ex husband did diddly squat at home because he didn't see it as his job, was hardly ever home and took no interest in it. He would put on a show for others if we entertained though. He thought I should get a cleaner if I complained but that's not as easy as it sounds. Good cleaners, if you find one, are gold dust.

Partner, on the other hand, is a completely different creature. He happily shares the chores and does the bits he's happiest with. He vacuums and cleans the floors, whole house, weekly, puts the bins in and out, cleans kitchen daily, notices when things need a clean or put away, does DIY , mows the lawn and generally cares about living in a pleasant environment.

I think the difference is attitude. Ex husband couldn't care less if the house was filthy. Partner cares very much. Like others have said it's an upward, unwinnable battle to convert one to the other.

I’m always reminded of a friend when I see these stories. She is super tidy and clean freak. Her husband you could see had to think about everything in case he made a mess - he is a so unaware of it and just wanted her to be happy so tried!
Anyway she had a new baby my 2 year old and I popped over. Whilst I made tea my adorable 2 year old had decided to basically window lick and wipe her mucky hands all over the bifolding glass doors. Her face when the penny dropped that her life was about to change.(obviously I cleaned it)
Lower your standards. I find that I have to be literal with my husband as he just doesn’t see it. We muddle through with a fairly clean house (not always tidy) but a good balance

You have to sort this out now and make sure he knows he will be changing nappies and feeding and doing night wakings and more then his fair share of his housework whilst you are recovering from birth. It needs to be very clear its his baby too and he is responsible and has parental duties. You being at home with a baby does not mean you do all household chores and cooking.

Do not put yourself in a position where you do everything whilst on maternity leave. As trust me-you never get to 'give it back'.

I also had a man child ex h who had me exhausted and depressed doing everything. I now have an adult partner who doesn't even need to be asked. And guess what if i need help i just ask politely and it is no big deal at all.

50/50 or bust.

My husband’s ex was an obsessive cleaner. It came to ruin their relationship from what he’s described.

He’s now married to me, someone who slings a hoover around once a week and occasionally walks past a sideboard flapping a duster in the air

He never complains though at my domestic sluttery.

You’ll never change him, so may as well learn to adapt.

Yep, we both do jobs around the house as & when they need doing . I probably do a little more cleaning, he probably does a little more cooking. It all evens itself out

@Dacquoise. Ha, mine cares about cleanliness a great deal, however he does bugger all to facilitate it —unless he thinks wine glasses are a bit non sparkling- then he will rinse them out