Question about husbands

[Theyarealltaken]

Is your husband helping you with cleaning the house? Would he ever (on his own) do the laundry or hoover or wipe something down?
I really struggle in my relationship...I’m the super clean and tidy one and my partner just makes a mess and it doesn’t bother him. The amount of arguments we had about that is just ridiculous. I clean, he doesn’t appreciate it and just makes a mess, “cleans” his own way and that’s the circle. It’s much worse since we got a dog and will be even more when we have a baby (I’m currently 34 weeks). I’m tired of constant battle but I just can’t relax when the house is untidy. I don’t know how to get out of this situation and I feel like it’s damaging our relationship. I feel like I’m not being respected for what I do and he thinks that I’m an ocd weirdo. We just had a big fight about baby room, when he came in, touched light grey wall after making himself a bacon sandwich and left a 5 fingers stain in my perfect baby room 🥺 my mood is broken for the rest of the day and he just doesn’t see anything wrong about that. I’m going crazy in this house, I sometimes wish I could leave on my own...

Another who thinks it sounds like there is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other here.

If I had a cleaner in once a fortnight, I wouldn't be getting the vacuum out in between either - unless something spilled.

I mean, I don't like the phrasing "Is your husband helping you with cleaning the house?" as it implies that, by default it is somehow my job to clean the house, which, if you are both working fairly similar hours, just shouldn't be the case however I would struggle to live with someone who wanted to be cleaning half as much as some of the maniacs posters on some of the cleaning threads do. My home is where I relax. Sometimes I leave things out - sometimes dh does. Sometimes we leave things to wash up when there is more that needs washing up and we do it in one go. Sometimes we have a blitz and tidy or clean an area. Some jobs one of us always does and the other avoids like the plague, other things we sort of do as we go along.
From what you've said, I get the feeling that you are irritated by things about the house that he is quite comfortable with. That doesn't make him wrong. You have to work out a compromise between you - which might mean you do a higher % of the cleaning (as you are more particular) but he steps up and does more of the cooking / shopping or whatever.

@Ihatesalad, you know that saying about those that can do, others teach. I feel your pain. Please tell me he doesn't point out what needs doing to you?

My husband and I both like a clean and tidy home. He cleans, does washing, does the bedding, shops, cooks and cleans up after himself.
I have my wonderful (but no longer with us) MIL for ensuring her son was a fully functioning adult.

Your husband sounds like a lost cause but the more you do for him the more you facilitate his laziness.

It's equal in our house. I do more for our DS and he does all the laundry. Everything else is an even split.

There are things that I do exclusively and things that he does exclusively. But day to day cleaning (dishes, kitchen, laundry, etc.) he does equally, if not a bit more than I do. It's not a big deal--it's just what we do.

Of course he doesn't help. We both live here, I don't work here as a cleaner. We both like a clean and tidy house and have a rule that nobody sits down until everybody sits down. He doesn't normally do laundry but there are other jobs I don't even think about. We both cook and clean/tidy.

Does your DP really not see/mind the mess, or would he notice just fine if you stopped cleaning?

I don't live with my DP but even if he stays here for a couple of days, he will clean. I'm a clean person but I can still relax before things get done, whereas he can't sit down if the floor needs hoovering and there's washing up to be done.

From previous relationships I know this is very unusual though. My ex, DD dad, had two jobs: cat litter tray and bins. He left both until they were overflowing and stinking.

If you're otherwise happy in the relationship it might just be something you have to put up with, although I'd still have a word about the expectations of running a house together.

I would suggest you get some advice or do some research on how to talk to him without it dissolving into accusations and bleating.

I think if you can manage to disengage from your emotional reactions you will see him and the relationship more clearly (for better or worse) - It will also give him room to change (if he wants to). When you 'complain' it just gives him a safe opposite position to be in. I would suggest reading "brainstorming" by Rob Kendall.

I would, however, ask him calmly to repaint the wall he has damaged. No shouting, but he has damaged your work.

The truth is we cannot change someone else but when we change ourselves and often then the other will shift in response.

On the other hand I had a boyfriend a couple of years ago who was a bit of a hoarder. He lived with me for 6 months. I was also seeing a therapist at the time (not about him). One day I noticed he had been chucking loads of his roll up dog ends in my plant by the backdoor, instead of using an ashtray. There was about 100. When I told my therapist how much it had disturbed me she said: "I don't know what it means - but it means something".

So - those finger prints on your work. Not sure what it means but it means something.

He’s a loving, funny and intelligent man and will make a great father.

Hopefully he'll stop behaving in a way that would teach a child it's a woman's job to do the cooking, cleaning and (in all likelihood based on his type) childcare.

He won't though, not of his own accord anyway. He will choose to let you do it all, knowing it upsets you that he doesn't give a shit about it, because he thinks that when it comes down to it - it's a woman's job.

Depressing outlook I know, but I've seen this play out with his type of bloke in so many relationships.

Good eggs are out there. Decent men who want a relationship where they are equals, teammates and dont think a vagina is what makes someone more responsible for housework than a partner who happens to have a penis.

And please do try to be mindful of how you frame things re him 'helping'.

Remember that if he changes a nappy, he won't be 'helping' you with the baby. He'll be changing his own child's nappy.

If you go out for an evening and he is home with the baby, he's not 'babysitting' he's just parenting etc.

@Dacquoise. Mm , not so much pointed out as comments like— I think we need to switch duvet to a lighter one or these plates needed scraping better before putting in dishwasher etc— it’s quite neutral but the inference is on me

To be honest it sounds like you both have different cleaning standards. Some people are obsessively tidy and get irritated by any sort of mess (which sounds like you) while some people are hygienic but just more laid back about things.

Surely you would have broken up with him LONG before now if it bothered you that much. Since you haven't, could all these feelings be pregnancy hormones? Either way you're going to have to get used to some mess since you'll have a young child! Dial down the obsessive tidiness and find a compromise.

As others have said, my dh doesn’t “help me” but he does do his fair share of cleaning and tidying. He does the majority actually as he’s better at it and doesn’t mind it, whereas I like doing the shopping and cooking and the laundry.

My husband would always do the things you mention. More so after a few years, when I started working full time again. When I was part time he did less in the way of domestic stuff but he did some, and always quite a lot with the children.

Sorry and I’m not being mean but there is more to life than cleaning! Enjoy your new dog and your new baby when it comes - you can still have a nice house without everything being perfect

I think this is one of those 'two sides' things. It's not 'helping' because you both live there. However, 'my mood is broken for the rest of the day' is a very big reaction, which makes me think your standards are probably unhealthily high.

Surely you would have broken up with him LONG before now if it bothered you that much

When it's a couple with kids, it's relatively easy to put up with things that will feel amplified 1000fold once kids come along. Yes so he left his socks in the middle of the floor again, I'll just pick them up, no big deal. But once you have been running around picking up after your toddlers the entire day, a fully grown man's socks, that he can't be arsed to put into the laundry basket 2 feet away, will be exactly the thing that breaks the camel's back.

My DH does a reasonable amount of housework, although he isn't always great at prioritising. Eg he will go around cleaning windows and mirrors, rather than tidying up the overflowing cycling gear that is now obstructing the patio doors. Both need doing, but only he knows how the cycling stuff needs to be packed and it is causing a problem for whole family (and preventing our Eufy from doing his job without getting into a brawl with a strap).

What works for us is having a clear split of jobs eg I cook, you wash up. I do the washing, you clean the bathrooms. In your case a bit more detail might be needed for clear expectations: you clean the bathroom = one thorough clean a week plus sink wiped over each day/every other day.
It does sound a bit 50/50 though. He needs to up his contribution, but you come across as having overly high standards too.

Oh, and from now on when redecorating, only use the wipe clean paint. You have many many years ahead of you of greasy fingerprints on paint work. One of our DCs once even smeared poo all over her bedroom walls (and bed). I was extremely grateful to be able to spray it with bleach and scrub it off easily, and once the wall dried you would never have known.

You have a world of pain coming to your tidy home once you have children 😬.

I completely agree with PP about wipeable paint. We now use Crown Scrubbable everywhere and i motor through magic sponges.