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Relationships

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Original poster

Sex drives

43 replies

Jambo21 · 25/04/2021 23:16

I have been with my partner 2.5 years but I’m having concerns about our sex life. We get on great, are affectionate with each other, hold hands when going for walks, cuddle on the sofa, kiss, but so far this year we have had sex 8 times, so an average of twice a month. I think he would easily go 2 months without having any and im not used to being in a relationship with someone having a low sex drive. I miss that side of things but then I have friends who say their partners just want sex and never show affection or cuddle so is it one or the other? But I am starting to feel frustrated and undesirable and although I know he loves me, it’s getting me down. I don’t know what to do though as I want him to WANT to have sex, not because he feels like he should. Any advice would be appreciated and a mans perspective might help too.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 26/04/2021 01:36

You can't make someone want to have sex. I'm probably the same as your partner and would do it twice a month happily.

I do like it...but just not that often. It's nothing to do with not finding my husband desirable...I do...but sex is such a massively intimate thing that it exhausts me a bit.

Can you find it in yourself to accept that he does love you but that he's just not as into sex? It's not personal.

Having said that, if you're in your 20s and don't have kids...maybe you'd be better finding someone more like you?

JustAnotherOldMan · 26/04/2021 07:29

I wouldn’t say twice a month is that bad , some couples go much longer, I’m 50 something man and it’s been a couple of years for me now and sex doesn’t seem that important to me anymore

Is is the actual act of sex you miss, or you think he doesn’t desire you, as you can’t make someone WANT to have sex, but you could easily initiate and have more sex and that’s probably what you will have to do, make him feel desired and wanted for a while

Anothernick · 26/04/2021 07:46

I've been with my DW for 30 years and looking back on our ups and downs I think a key reason our relationship has endured is sexual compatibility. It tends to diminish other problems - it's hard to be angry with someone who satisfies you in that way on a regular basis. You need to think carefully about whether a life of constant sexual frustration is acceptable to you - his desire could diminish further as he gets older and this will create a tension in your relationship that might make it more vulnerable to other difficulties.

FortunesFave · 26/04/2021 08:00

@Anothernick

Can I ask what do you consider regular? Once a week? More?

Original poster

Jambo21 · 26/04/2021 08:01

@JustAnotherOldMan He is 11 years older than me and he also likes a drink which I believe can reduce your sex drive. I miss the closeness it brings along with the physical act. And I’m still only 34. I know he finds me attractive still as he is affectionate in other ways but it’s been 6 weeks since we last had sex and that feels too long when we have only been together 2 & a half years. I have mentioned it once before to him and he assured me he fancy’s me and it’s just being busy etc. I don’t want to mention it again now which is why I’m on here to see what would be considered normal. I’ve always just been under the impression it’s built in a man to have that urge and that’s been the case in previous relationships so this is quite new to me. I’m not expecting it every day but I think an average of once a week is what I’m used to.

OP posts:

NioRT · 26/04/2021 08:04

One thing is almost certain, it’s very unlikely to get much better than it is. As he gets older, it could get worse. You need to decide if that is enough for you, and if it isn’t you might be better moving on.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/04/2021 08:10

Yeah, it's not going to improve at this stage. 2.5yrs in really is still the honeymoon stage, if you're not ripping each others clothes off now, you never will be.

I'm sure he is a good man but this is an incompatibility which will only drive you apart if it goes on. It's perfectly possible to find a partner who enjoys roughly the same amount of sex that you do, and who is happy with non-sexual affection as well! You don't have to pick one or t'other!

Anothernick · 26/04/2021 08:15

@fortunesfave yes we made a deal years ago when the dc were young that we should try to DTD at least once a week and we still do that now even though we are early 60s. Once or twice a week would be normal for us, though it can be more if, for example, we are on holiday.

Original poster

Jambo21 · 26/04/2021 08:17

@NioRT it feels so harsh though to end a relationship just because I feel like we should be having more sex. I’m confused about how much of an issue this should be but I know I’m missing something.

OP posts:

JustAnotherOldMan · 26/04/2021 09:23

@Jambo21, that built in urge thing you mention come from T levels, as men age, those levels decline, so the urge to have sex also declines, this varies from man to man, but normally starts in our 40’s.
As he ages, the sex drive will diminish further, he won’t see it as an issue, but clearly you do.
Sorry, but that’s just life,
However I did notice you said you are use to sex once a week, so all you to do is initiate twice a month and you’re there

coronaway · 26/04/2021 09:41

Good men are hard to find so it seems almost selfish to break up a relationship over lack of sex.

Imagine the scenario where in 10 years time you go off sex completely yet still love and fancy your partner. He still wants sex twice a month so decides to break off the relationship. Would you find that acceptable?

vincettenoir · 26/04/2021 09:53

It would be good to talk to him about it in a non accusing way. Maybe you could find out if he would be happy to do it more and what might create the conditions to make him receptive to that.

You are completely within your rights to want to feel wanted. But in reality this kind of mis-match comes up, at least for a period, in most relationships. If it’s a deal breaker for you, then fair enough. But it’s definitely worth trying to work through it in my view. It’s possible the same problem might come up in your next relationship if you were to move on. If you are both willing g to talk about it and work on it I things that’s a very positive sign.

ravenmum · 26/04/2021 09:58

Are you also initiating and he's not responding, or is it that you want him to initiate, to make you feel more desirable?

Original poster

Jambo21 · 26/04/2021 10:03

I think I initiate more than him so it’s made me take a step back.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 26/04/2021 10:25

Imagine the scenario where in 10 years time you go off sex completely yet still love and fancy your partner. He still wants sex twice a month so decides to break off the relationship.
This would be a different scenario, wouldn't it? In this scenario, you have committed to one another, and been together a long time so formed a bond. A decision to break up would involve big changes. In your situation, you are not as committed, the bond isn't as strong and the decision is less life-changing. You're at precisely the stage when people make the decision whether they are really compatible in the long term.

ravenmum · 26/04/2021 10:28

It is nice to feel wanted, and if your exes have been very keen I can see how you'd be disappointed in comparison. Does he make up for it by being keen in other ways or is he really a bit lukewarm?

pumpkinpie01 · 26/04/2021 10:33

Are you initiating a few times a week and getting a no thanks not tonight or are just initiating when you know its been a long time and the chance of him saying no are low? Is that why its been 6 weeks because you haven't come on to him ?

coronaway · 26/04/2021 10:46

@ravenmum umm I think by a year you normally know if you're compatible or not. The OP has been together 2.5 years. Everyone is different of course.

Original poster

Jambo21 · 26/04/2021 10:46

@ravenmum he seems happy to just cuddle on the sofa which is nice and he is affectionate and tells me he loves me everyday. @pumpkinpie01 the last time I initiated he lost his erection which has made me not want to initiate again now. So its been over 6 weeks since we had full sex, over 3 weeks since our last attempt. He drinks fri sat and Sunday as well which doesn’t help as that’s the free time we have but that affects his ability. I know there are lulls in every relationship but I just get the feeling we could go months in this relationship and he wouldn’t care. I’ve never had that feeling before.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 26/04/2021 10:48

[quote coronaway]@ravenmum umm I think by a year you normally know if you're compatible or not. The OP has been together 2.5 years. Everyone is different of course.[/quote]
Depends how often you see each other. I only see my bf twice a week, so after a year we were absolutely still in the early honeymoon phase. Tbh it's only now, after 4 years, that it's started to feel more routine.

Original poster

Jambo21 · 26/04/2021 10:49

I feel we are compatible in personality, we get on great and I love being in his company, I’ve never clicked or been on the same wave length as someone like him, but I feel like maybe there’s more to this lack of interest in sex than just being busy or tired, It almost seems like he is worried to disappoint if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Original poster

Jambo21 · 26/04/2021 10:51

@ravenmum I probably should have said we live together and have done for a year and a half, so we haven’t spent a day apart for well over a year

OP posts:

ravenmum · 26/04/2021 10:52

The cuddling is nice :) but remember that it doesn't do him any favours to be with a gf who is secretly disappointed with him.

pumpkinpie01 · 26/04/2021 10:53

Drink , ime, definitely affects a mans ability to perform. How much is he drinking on those nights ?

ravenmum · 26/04/2021 10:53

[quote Jambo21]@ravenmum I probably should have said we live together and have done for a year and a half, so we haven’t spent a day apart for well over a year[/quote]
Maybe that is even why he's not so keen?

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