DH morbidly obese and not paid

[Nailingnow]

I have two young girls. I love my husband.

The issue is my husband is morbidly obese and so awful with money. This causes regular arguments.

I'm we have been married 5 years and together 10. His weight has yo yoed dramatically. We spent 6000 5 years ago (money we couldn't afford) for him to get a gastric band. This was after years and years of him being miserable that he was so big and years of failed diets.

He lost the weight - I got pregnant - and as I got bigger so did I.

He is much smaller now than before gastric band but he is once's again morbidly obese. As he is so tall he doesn't look as massive - but he is so unhealthy.

I am coming across as a superficial bitch I know - but I really am not. For ten years I have been so supportive and have truly belived in every health plan he has tried.

They money is an equal issue. We are both self employed in the same field. I get paid on time. He never does. He is owed thousands constantly. This puts is in constant stress that the mortgage will get paid and makes us have to pay lots in interest. This is all unnecessary as we work in the same field and should both be being paid on time.

He doesn't want to seem money orientated to his clients and therefore doesn't like to push them. My opinion is that this only shows lack of respect his clients have for him. I am in no way money oriented- however I know that I deserve to be paid for work done.

Both weight and money reflect his laziness and lack of respect in all other aspects of his life.

I don't want to leave him but I want things to change . But nothing has improved long term in 10 years so does that mean that this will be the same for the rest of my life?

I don't want to end our relationship I just want him to become a healthy bmi and for him to get paid for his work.

I don't know the way forward. Any advice gratefully received.

Both weight and money reflect his laziness and lack of respect in all other aspects of his life.

Of course you know him better than me, an internet stranger, but could he suffer from low self esteem?

Would you/he consider a short counselling course? It might add positivity to both your lives.

Honestly if he hasn’t changed in 10 years I can’t see anything changing anytime soon.

If he was a healthy weight could you cope with the money issues or vice versa?
It sounds like this is just his personality and I don’t know if they are going to ever change especially not both things.

Are there any other things that you don’t like?

Yes counselling sounds wise. He has done this previously as part of weight lose but it just was another fad that didn't last. Definitely worth another shot.

@toocold54

Honestly if he hasn’t changed in 10 years I can’t see anything changing anytime soon.

If he was a healthy weight could you cope with the money issues or vice versa?
It sounds like this is just his personality and I don’t know if they are going to ever change especially not both things.

Are there any other things that you don’t like?

Yes definitely his personality. I do like all other aspects about him. These two issues just keep coming back to bite us (his weight creating him great misery and his lack of payment creating both great stress and problems)

I always think embarrassment about seeming money orientated to clients is very much English bollocks. You carry out work for someone and they pay you, in full, on time (can you tell I'm a business owner). If my clients don't pay then I chase, the shame is on the person who owes the money, not him. Could the combination of the two things diet and money - be symptomatic of a self esteem issue?

@Overdueanamechange

I always think embarrassment about seeming money orientated to clients is very much English bollocks. You carry out work for someone and they pay you, in full, on time (can you tell I'm a business owner). If my clients don't pay then I chase, the shame is on the person who owes the money, not him. Could the combination of the two things diet and money - be symptomatic of a self esteem issue?

Yes self esteem issue makes sense. I just done know if I still fight for us and support him through counselling, or if I am going to waste another ten years with nothing changing.

Things always do change in the short term.

If it wasn't for my two young boys I would probably leave. But he is a great dad and we are all happy when we stick our heads in the same.

I'm shocked at the MN double standard. If a man came on and basically said I'm thinking of leaving my wife because she is too fat - he'd be flamed. But most people seems to think it's acceptable for a woman to consider doing this to her husband. Maybe "for thinner for fatter" should be added to the marriage vows as "in sickness or in health" doesn't seem to have struck home.

If you’re both self employed in the same field can you not create one company and you deal with collections? That way you can each play to your strengths.

@Kitfish and if a man said he was thinking of leaving his wife because she was constantly causing financial worries, what do you think would happen? It’s clear that OP believes the two are linked.

Could he employ someone on people per hour, virtual pa type person, to chase up invoices? I believe quickbooks might also do this automatically of you set it up correctly.

Not sure about the weight issue, gastric band is already quite extreme.

Have a look at the long term weight regain statistics for gastric bands. Your husband is in the majority.

Very sorry to hear this OP. The gastric band in isolation won't solve his weight problem. He sounds like he has an addiction - just replace "alcohol" "sex" "gambling" with "food". He needs other outlets of support to help him lose and maintain a healthy weight I.e. counselling, CBT, prescription drugs.

Good luck OP. I hope it works out for all of your sakes.

It's been ten years! Accept him or leave - he won't change.

Could you maybe help him to handle invoicing and payments?

Some good suggestions re money collection thank you. I will explore.

I hadn't realised that the majority gained weight again after a gastric band. However it makes sense if the cause of the over eating hasn't been addressed.

Thank you for the supportive replies - I was expecting much nastier messages. Hopefully he will give counselling ago as I am out of ideas myself and know when he is happier with himself, everything else will in turn improve .

Weight is a horrendously complex subject-it is not just about being greedy. Gastric bands rarely work long term, a sleeve or bypass has better results but its not infallible. Injections like saxenda have some good results with some people. But its hard, he probably feels like a failure which is echoed in his work.
None of that means you have to stay with him if you don’t want to. It doesn’t seem like you respect him which probably doesn’t help him or you. You may both be happier in the long run if you separate , neither of you sound happy. I would suggest he finds a sympathetic doctor to talk it through, and perhaps marriage guidance for both of you.

This is a post i made on the subject of weight a few weeks ago-i really do think it is an addiction-but in the same way i don’t think you should feel compelled to stay with an alcoholic or drug addict, I don’t think you have to stay with a food addict.

“I’ve been overweight for my entire 50 years-as an adult i have varied between 11 and 21 stones. Over the years i have probably lost and gained 50 stones. I have definitely got a food addiction, coupled with diabetes 2, PCOS, Insulin resistance, depression, endometriosis, kidney disease....
Last year at 21 stone i had a gastric sleeve-very much felt this was the last chance. It hasn’t been easy but after 4 months i had lost about 3 stones. This was based on eating @800-1000 calories daily and trying for 60g protein. For the first 2 months after my op, i was recovering (lots of pain due to endo and scar tissue on my intestines-had to have sleeve surgery rather than bypass due to this). Then i started to feel really hungry again, was thinking about food all the time, obsessing about what to eat (even when you can’t eat much, its still possible to eat the wrong food-or eat too much and then vomit). I was so depressed feeling that the surgery hadn’t worked and that i would inevitably regain-and fail. Its the most horrible feeling-knowing you are so weak and greedy, and that society hates you. Being hungry made me feel incredibly and irrationally manically anxious.

The (hopefully) happy ending is that 2 weeks ago my dr put me on Ozempic-a new once weekly injection for diabetes type 2. I’m on the lowest dose, no side effects so far and it seems to be working with my op. For the first time in my life i am not hungry or thinking about food. I’m not eating much-@650 calories daily. Trying to prioritise protein. I keep forgetting to eat. But for the first time ever i feel ‘normal’. I’m torn between feeling hopeful about the future and mourning the last 50 years of feeling like a greedy, fat slob, a failure. After about 4-5 hours i can sometimes feel like i have mild hunger pangs-but it is totally different to my former intense and scary desperation-to binge until full-after which i could re-enter the cycle of feeling calm-then guilty-then tired and depressed-and then hungry again...

So basically, yes its hard-and everyone has their own individual reasons for their struggles-its complicated. But no, i don’t think many people manage to successfully lose weight and keep it off. Certainly shame, pressure etc don’t work imo.“

I will add that the Ozempic is working well, and regular checking of my blood sugars have shown them to be stable-that awful, panicky hunger is when the blood sugars are low, its then so easy to overeat and crash. Horrendous.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a4204253-can-we-have-a-sensible-discussion-about-obesity-without-shaming

Nothing to add about weight, but perhaps he could make an email address accounts@ to chase payments so he doesn't feel like he's chasing personally, or use QuickBooks (or similar) where you can set it to send an automatic email for late payment reminders.

Could you chase the late payers up saying you are his accountant Saves him feeling awkward

There are companies to which you can outsource your credit control to, many of them are not expensive or paid on results only (do a google search, check reviews etc). This removes the embarrassment of chasing clients. This may relieve some financial pressure from you both.

@Skyla2005

Could you chase the late payers up saying you are his accountant Saves him feeling awkward

This is an excellent idea - I pretended to be my self-employed friend's PA a few years ago to chase up unpaid invoices that she desperately needed and it worked great! Set up a separate email account if need be.

Yes thank you - he is going to set up an accounts email solely for invoice chasing and see how that goes.

He isn't keen to try counselling but we have had a long talk again tonight about what will make him happier etc. Thank you for all the advice.

Definitely get a software package that will send invoice reminders. They also tell people when emailed invoices haven't been opened. He can blame the software for the chasing if it makes him uncomfortable.

However, also ask him if he feels critical of anyone he has to pay. Does he feel off about Tesco wanting your money before you can take their food home? No? Then why is he worried his clients would think badly of him for wanting to be paid. I have been in the same position so I get it but it isn't logical.

Get his ASS back to his
surgeon and get the Band tightened.

Can I ask OP, what has changed now compared to earlier on in your relationship when you accepted his weight?

I would imagine the weight and poor money management are an inherent part of who he is and expecting him to change now is a little unfair. That’s not to say I don’t feel your pain.

@trockodile I'm about to have a bypass could I PM do you think? (sorry to hijack)