DH morbidly obese and not paid

[Nailingnow]

I have two young girls. I love my husband.

The issue is my husband is morbidly obese and so awful with money. This causes regular arguments.

I'm we have been married 5 years and together 10. His weight has yo yoed dramatically. We spent 6000 5 years ago (money we couldn't afford) for him to get a gastric band. This was after years and years of him being miserable that he was so big and years of failed diets.

He lost the weight - I got pregnant - and as I got bigger so did I.

He is much smaller now than before gastric band but he is once's again morbidly obese. As he is so tall he doesn't look as massive - but he is so unhealthy.

I am coming across as a superficial bitch I know - but I really am not. For ten years I have been so supportive and have truly belived in every health plan he has tried.

They money is an equal issue. We are both self employed in the same field. I get paid on time. He never does. He is owed thousands constantly. This puts is in constant stress that the mortgage will get paid and makes us have to pay lots in interest. This is all unnecessary as we work in the same field and should both be being paid on time.

He doesn't want to seem money orientated to his clients and therefore doesn't like to push them. My opinion is that this only shows lack of respect his clients have for him. I am in no way money oriented- however I know that I deserve to be paid for work done.

Both weight and money reflect his laziness and lack of respect in all other aspects of his life.

I don't want to leave him but I want things to change . But nothing has improved long term in 10 years so does that mean that this will be the same for the rest of my life?

I don't want to end our relationship I just want him to become a healthy bmi and for him to get paid for his work.

I don't know the way forward. Any advice gratefully received.

kitfish - the OP isn't worried about her dh's looks, she is literally worried about him dying. I'd like to hope people would be supportive if a man came on here that worried about his wife.

She isn't talking about developing a beer belly

I agree the money one should be easy to sort.

You say you are both self employed but in the same field, so you presumably could offer the best way of making sure the money comes in - whether that is as simple as formalising the pricing in the first place in terms of adding interest on if not paid within X days (or can phrase as a discount for early payment) or if there are industry standard ways of phrasing things; or if it is using some sort of book keeping / invoice chasing either software or an actual person, or even a virtual PA.
Depends a bit if he is something like a dog walker or some sort of highly paid consultant.

His issues with food sound as if he needs to address through some sort of therapy though. They sound quite deep routed.
I'm surprised this didn't go hand in hand with having the gastric band fitted.

He doesn't want to seem money orientated to his clients and therefore doesn't like to push them. My opinion is that this only shows lack of respect his clients have for him. I am in no way money oriented- however I know that I deserve to be paid for work done.

You're absolutely right that this is ridiculous of him. It's part of being self employed.

I would suggest he creates an accounts@(businessname).com email address and start sending reminders from there. He should be able to do so from his own email address because as I say it's part of being self employed, but it may be a way of him feeling able to maintain his client relationships while also chasing money.

My friend did this and 'sarah'@businessname.com was very firm with clients and effective at getting payments back on track. Sarah was in fact a template email I sent her for each of the stages - invoicing, reminder shortly before due date, chase email if unpaid, further chase etc - then managed entirely by my friend so she had to take responsibility for doing the doing.

Shouldn't have to do that and she kept saying it was because she is non-confrontational but eventually I gave some tough love and reminder her that being professional is not being confrontational, it's business.

As you say - you deserve to be paid on time, for work you've done. So does he.

@Nailingnow

Yes thank you - he is going to set up an accounts email solely for invoice chasing and see how that goes.

He isn't keen to try counselling but we have had a long talk again tonight about what will make him happier etc. Thank you for all the advice.

Just saw this after my post, sorry - someone got there first! It really does work well.

@VodkaSlimline

It's been ten years! Accept him or leave - he won't change.

Could you maybe help him to handle invoicing and payments?

He needs to learn to do this himself, not outsource to his wife. It's an extra burden on her and she's enabling him not to do the basics of being self employed. I know your heart is in the right place but creating more unpaid work for her and enabling him isn't a sustainable solution.

@Kitfish

I'm shocked at the MN double standard. If a man came on and basically said I'm thinking of leaving my wife because she is too fat - he'd be flamed. But most people seems to think it's acceptable for a woman to consider doing this to her husband. Maybe "for thinner for fatter" should be added to the marriage vows as "in sickness or in health" doesn't seem to have struck home.

@kitfish Thing is, so many men criticise their partners for not being a size 8-10, tutting them for gaining a stone or two, often in the first few years after having a baby. They find passive-aggressive, 'jokey' ways to let their often perfectly healthy weight partners know that they're too fat, apparently. Those men deserve to be flamed, quite frankly and I don't think men are scrutinised or subjected to this as often as women.

Whereas, I have yet to see a woman on here complaining that her partner is simply a bit flabby or has gained a stone or two. Often their partners are obese, even morbidly obese. They're worried for their health and the weight stops their partners from being active, partaking in family life or even being able to have sex. It's not just about attraction for women, even if that's a part of it.

@Nailingnow Is he definitely doing as much work as you think, do you think? Or could he be not getting paid as much partly because he's not actually doing as much work as you thought?

It's ok to stop being attracted to someone, even if you were in the past. These things happen.

Personal question but do you still have sex with him even though you're not attract to him? That can be quite grim. Or does he not have much of a libido?

You deserve a partner you're attracted to and who is ok with money.

@Kitfish

Not a case of the sex of the poster in many cases and in fact I've seen loads of threads that say the opposite of what you've suggested.

If my partner was actively doing something that risked his health then I would at a point, feel that I was enabling him by staying together.

Same would go for alcohol, drug and food addiction.

I don't have any specific advice on the weight issue, other than to say, as with any habit, people will only break it / change when they are ready.

In terms of invoicing, what are the payment terms he offers clients? After reading stats about how often most clients make late payments, I changed my payment terms from 30 days to 7 days. This means I'm only waiting 7 days to be paid, rather than 30 so, even though clients still pay late, I get paid sooner than if I'd kept to the old 30 day terms. (I know others who have a 'pay on receipt' invoice term, but this is a little too inflexible for me.)

I send a 'gentle reminder' the morning the invoice is due, and if it isn't paid within 24 hours, I call and follow up with another email.

He needs over eaters anonymous. There's lots of resources on line and group meetings which are all free

@LizzieMacQueen

Both weight and money reflect his laziness and lack of respect in all other aspects of his life.

Of course you know him better than me, an internet stranger, but could he suffer from low self esteem?

Would you/he consider a short counselling course? It might add positivity to both your lives.

Id think both were lack of self esteem, not lack of respect too. Unless you mean he doesn't respect himself. Self esteem can effect so much, if he doesn't feel like he deserves to be paid on time, or just paid, if he hates how he looks and how he feels. That's not a reflection on you, I'm talking about him judging himself. Then the eating plays into that cycle. Food is comforting, but then you feel worse for 'giving in'. Self esteem effects me in some of these ways. Eating for comfort then feeling like I failed, not being able to reach out to friends thinking I'm not worth friendship, thinking DH wouldn't treat me the way he does if I was a worthwhile person. It can really mess with your head. If the underlying problem isn't addressed you keep coming back to this point, to the eating for comfort, to putting on weight, to feeling like a failure for putting on weight or not getting paid.

Counseling would probably help if he can find a good counsellor. And practical strategies, like accounting software and maybe you helping to get the late payments under control if you'd feel ok with this. If he won't go for counseling I'd have a talk and start with some small changes that he feels reasonably confident he can make, getting a little healthier small step by small step.

He's a loser.

You only get one chance at life here on planet Earth. Is this really how you are going to live it?

Wt. wise maybe a visit to the Dr’s, the band may need adjusting, maybe it’s time to try some meds (some new injectable stuff that cuts appetite).

Are you sure this is laziness?? - because over eating is often caused by anxiety that leads to low self esteem - chaotic money behaviour is often poor organisational skills / procrastination which often has routes in anxiety.

Not to say it isn’t a problem that needs to be fixed but sounds like he does need some counselling - from someone specialised in this area - so you may need to go privately. But I would see the GP - it’s worth doing a check in re depression + anxiety / and whether medication is appropriate,

Re the money - could you take over the invoicing for him? If it’s much more your skill that might be sensible. If his organisation is generally chaotic it’s worth doing a bit of reading around ADHD, and if it rings any bells get an assessment.

You do sound really pissed off with him OP - which I absolutely understand and you are entitled too, but I wonder if you are underestimating what’s behind this. He must be pretty miserable, and it’s probably driven by pain rather than laziness.

I’m not saying you should put up with it, but you may need to be very open minded so he can open up to you and, hopefully, find a way forward.