Dating a lovely doctor - what to expect

[LadyJaffleton]

I've recently started dating an absolutely lovely man (met online) - he's a hospital consultant. I like him very much, he's interesting, funny, kind and we share several interests. The only thing I'm trying to adjust to is his work schedule. He works long hours, sometimes dealing with emergencies. As a consequence, dates seem to be slotted in a couple of weeks in advance or randomly at the last minute if he can get away early. Phone calls also seem to be at oddly random times. From what he describes, this is quite a normal pattern and I like the fact he absolutely loves his job. Is this a typical lifestyle for this work? If it's normal, then I need to decide if the working pattern is something I can happily co-exist with, and any advice on making it work is gratefully appreciated.

Yes and definitely something to consider if you end up having children

Sounds absolutely typical for all the hospital based doctors in our family!

We are both in our fifties. He has adult children, I don't have any, so that wouldn't be an issue for us, @Mn753

What kind of doctor is he? I think that different specialties have different working hours - I’m married to a surgeon, but it’s elective stuff so he doesn’t do any nights etc. What time he gets home is very variable though so evenings aren’t always possible as if his list overruns or an emergency patient needs doing he can be there very late.

an A and E doctor is more likely to do night shifts etc.

For me, it can be difficult as his job usually comes first. if there’s an actual problem such as when our daughter needed A and E treatment, he left work - so when it comes to it he’s there for us, but day to day he often misses bath and bedtime, is taking phone calls 24/7 about his patients etc and I can’t really object because I understand he needs to provide a high standard of clinical care. But it is annoying that his job is so all encompassing even when he isn’t there!

My advice would be if he’s otherwise a good catch, don’t let working patterns put you off. It can be annoying but it’s worth it - and actually it’s a secure job with a good salary which is a bonus!

I'd make very sure he is what he says, tbh. It's common for con artists to say they are hospital consultants to hide a wife or girlfriend with 'had to work'. Sorry but I'd be highly suspicious of a person who says they're some high-powered job hanging out on a dating site.

Totally normal.

If you are both 50s he should be established in his career however as he's been single possibly he's been taking on extra work / unsociable hours to fill up his time ? Talk to him and see if it's always been this way or if he's willing to put more time into a relationship once it gets going
I know I did stupid hours to fill the time up when I was on my own

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I'd make very sure he is what he says, tbh. It's common for con artists to say they are hospital consultants to hide a wife or girlfriend with 'had to work'. Sorry but I'd be highly suspicious of a person who says they're some high-powered job hanging out on a dating site.

By all means check - most hospitals have a list of their consultants available - but I don’t think it’s unusual for a consultant to be online dating. I met my husband online and he is definitely who he says he is!

Completely normal. And heaven forbid of one of their patients has a problem and we don't phone them at home at 3am to tell them!

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I'd make very sure he is what he says, tbh. It's common for con artists to say they are hospital consultants to hide a wife or girlfriend with 'had to work'. Sorry but I'd be highly suspicious of a person who says they're some high-powered job hanging out on a dating site.

You can search a doctor’s record here

www.gmc-uk.org/registration-and-licensing/the-medical-register/a-guide-to-the-medical-register/find-a-doctors-record

Yep normal. And normal for people to think you are very lucky to be with a doctor. The ego is strong with these people

Why shouldn’t doctors be on dating sites? Besides, it’s really easy to check whether someone actually is a doctor or not, you can search on the GMC website to check whether they are registered (all doctors practising in the UK will be), on the nhs choices website you can look up consultants working in different fields, and if they are reasonably senior you can just google their name and you’ll likely find details of work they’ve done, presentations they’ve given, research etc.

OP the working hours sound fairly typical to me. Some of it will depend on the specialty, but most consultants do work long, often unpredictable hours, right up until they retire. That’s just the reality of the job.

Don't watch Dirty John on Netflix. Might put you off

He has been very upfront about who he is and without going in to too much detail, his identity and professional history are verifiable and I am confident he is who he says he is. Lots on Google regarding both his research and his hobby (I was teasing him about a particularly awful photo of him) . From what people are saying, I will just have to learn to adapt. It's early days, but so far he seems lovely and I'm enjoying getting to know him.

Read ‘This is going to hurt’ to get an insight into working hours of doctors
Admittedly written from the point of view of a Junior doctor and then SHO but it’s very honest about what the profession entrails in terms of eating into personal life

Yep very normal. It can be more so the case for junior doctors, however for the majority of specialities will exist through to being a consultant also, particularly if hospital based. Try to plan your leave in advance together for his rota, so you have time off together to enjoy.

@GappyValley

Read ‘This is going to hurt’ to get an insight into working hours of doctors Admittedly written from the point of view of a Junior doctor and then SHO but it’s very honest about what the profession entrails in terms of eating into personal life

Just about to say the very same! Its on Borrowbox if you've got that. Very good, by Adam Kay.

@Ladyjaffleton Yes check who he says he is, by looking on line -and you've done that -but you should research anyone you are seeing from OLD anyway.

I met a consultant doctor partner on OLD (I'm a bloke) and her profile was minimal and without a photo because she had been stalked by patients in the past. I didn't think to research her I have to say, but men are on the whole crazier then women...

And when she was on call, I was the one in the hospital carpark walking her dog, at midnight on Saturday night.

If your man is any good then he's dedicated to his job and you will have to become used to being unable to make fixed plans, and being let down socially. Sorry.

@LadyJaffleton I work with doctors and things are extremely stressful post-lockdown. I think what you describe sounds normal. Wish you the best of luck - seems like you met someone lovely

Sounds completely normal for consultants in certain specialities. Have a good friend who is an A&E consultant and in his early 50’s. He doesn’t do over nights but does earlies, lates, on calls, weekends and bank holidays / Christmas. Phone calls and contact during the day is rare due to nature of the job

If they do private work that’s often slotted into odd hours too so yes, all sounds perfectly normal.

Yes also re Rotas. Spontaneous time off is almost impossible, holidays set a year in advance. Friend isn’t getting a summer holiday this year as rotas and school holidays simply don’t align

What specialty? Sounds normal for hospital consultant, much better than a junior doctor with frequent house moves, rotas only given a few days ahead etc but certainly brings its own stresses.
It’s ok if it’s not for you, with the adult kids as well there will be more pressures on his time.

I have several friends who are senior consultants in big hospitals, all in fields that put them on the frontline during the pandemic. They all work pretty hard - average day at work is 10-11 hours. That said, although they do have to do some weekends, either on call or in person, and have had to do longer and less sociable hours than usual in the last year for obvious reasons (including going back to night shifts, which at their level of seniority they hadn't had to do for a while), I don't recognise what you describe. Is your BF a surgeon, or an A&E doctor?

I should think if you're both older and having a family together isn't on the cards then as long as you're pretty self sufficient you should be okay. Have you thought about what you might want if things were to progress with somebody? Cohabitation, marriage?

I'm married to a doctor, we met when he was in his final year of medical school. He's almost done training to be a GP, which he chose because of the more family friendly hours. When we had our baby he took six months out as well as my 14m of maternity leave and just did locum shifts a few times per month as he recognised he would miss most of DC's babyhood otherwise.

Not sure I could cope with being married to a hospital consultant though, I'd effectively be a single parent. But if I were in my fifties and it was solely about the relationship rather than having kids as well I think it'd be fine.

My own experience isn't very applicable to your situation but suffice to say I spend a lot of time with doctors and have found them to be largely very kind, well mannered, dedicated and family oriented people. Sure there is infidelity and substance abuse in the profession but it's the same for many, many others. See how it goes and if you're content with your own company and life don't write him off.

I wouldn't accept being treated like a second rate option though, he gets time off and days off like everybody else and you deserve to have dates planned into the diary ahead of time instead of being called up last minute to hang out, I wouldn't tolerate that at all. It's one thing to be called in for an emergency when you are doing something together but other than that he will still have time to plan dates with you, make you feel special and woo you. A lot of doctors end up with massively inflated egos and due to being told they're gods constantly, having always been one of the smartest in their peer group, proud family, saving people's lives, dealing with fawning patients, facing life and death every day they can grow to think they're the big 'I am'. Don't drop plans to see him or ever see him last minute, keep busy with your own stuff, and let him pursue you equally. The ones I know with happy relationships are very much with partners who don't take shit, don't let them bring their ego home, expect them to take the bins out and change the nappies and so forth.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I'd make very sure he is what he says, tbh. It's common for con artists to say they are hospital consultants to hide a wife or girlfriend with 'had to work'. Sorry but I'd be highly suspicious of a person who says they're some high-powered job hanging out on a dating site.

Shouldn't be too difficult for the OP to find his name and speciality listed on his hospital's website. Also check the GMC Registration site.