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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating a lovely doctor - what to expect

48 replies

LadyJaffleton · 25/04/2021 12:59

I've recently started dating an absolutely lovely man (met online) - he's a hospital consultant. I like him very much, he's interesting, funny, kind and we share several interests. The only thing I'm trying to adjust to is his work schedule. He works long hours, sometimes dealing with emergencies. As a consequence, dates seem to be slotted in a couple of weeks in advance or randomly at the last minute if he can get away early. Phone calls also seem to be at oddly random times. From what he describes, this is quite a normal pattern and I like the fact he absolutely loves his job. Is this a typical lifestyle for this work? If it's normal, then I need to decide if the working pattern is something I can happily co-exist with, and any advice on making it work is gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:

rolloverrosie · 26/04/2021 12:31

Going against the grain slightly but I'd be quite surprised if he's a consultant and he's working so sporadically. Usually there's a fairly fixed rota in place with quite advanced warning and often consultants are in more of an "on call" role where they are on standby rather than present all the time.

Plumedenom · 26/04/2021 12:42

Our consultant surgeon gave us his mobile.number to arrange follow up visits and his hours did indeed seem very sporadic! A morning here an afternoon there, weekends, nights in a and e! But I think especially if you start living together and you yourself have some flex it is all possible!

HollowTalk · 26/04/2021 12:51

I would think you've met him at the best time, tbh. If he was a junior doctor it would be completely different and if you wanted a family with him you might find it frustrating that he had to work long and unexpected hours. That's less of a problem in your 50s, isn't it?

Original poster

LadyJaffleton · 26/04/2021 22:28

Many thanks for all the helpful comments and suggestions. To reiterate, he's definitely who he says. He's away teaching this week, and to complicate matters he also provides medical cover for a professional sport, which accounts for quite a few of the weekends. It's definitely him as quite a few of the events are televised . He's already booked meals for us for later in May, and we are taking a short holiday together in June, and this coming weekend he's working away, but has invited me to join him, put me on his car insurance so I can get out and about and we're visiting a n NT place on Monday (we both love gardens). He's very down
to earth, kind and gentle and not at all stuffy. He dives in to do the washing up when he's here. I like that he's comfortable in his skin and happily I am quite self contained and have lots going on in my own life. From what people have said, his work pattern is normal for his job- It's not a world I knew but am gradually learning more about.

OP posts:

MissTrip82 · 26/04/2021 23:07

@wizzywig

Yep normal. And normal for people to think you are very lucky to be with a doctor. The ego is strong with these people

I’m a dr. The people who think you’re lucky to be with a doctor tend to be people who aren’t doctors. They’re usually people who perceive doctors as having lots of money.

Strangely nobody says that about being with a female doctor.

It’s almost as if there’s rampant sexism inherent in that remark.

No doubt that’s just my ego talking.

Sandra15 · 26/04/2021 23:23

@wizzywig

Don't watch Dirty John on Netflix. Might put you off

I'm addicted to watching Dirty John!

Sandra15 · 26/04/2021 23:23

How lovely to read this thread. At last, a jackass-free zone!

EnglishRain · 26/04/2021 23:38

He sounds lovely OP! I hope you enjoy everything planned in May and June. Exciting summer ahead for you.

Luckyelephant1 · 26/04/2021 23:52

@Sandra15

How lovely to read this thread. At last, a jackass-free zone!

Really? I was thinking the opposite. Seems quite a few have deemed this Dr and all other Dr's automatically have a massive ego, because they are Dr's.

OP he sounds great and it's good you've got stuff in the diary. The majority of consultants do have to be on call at some point and also if he's a surgeon of some sort you have to be prepared that if a simple procedure that normally takes an hour becomes more complicated he could be coming home hours later than expected, that's the unpredictability of the human body.

If he works in a hospital, regardless of what department eg medical or surgical, it's rarely a 9-5 where you just switch off at 5pm and clock out and lock up as if you work in a shop. Patients don't stop needing care. As long as you can accept that then it's all good :)

Sandra15 · 27/04/2021 01:27

@Luckyelephant1 - I meant that the OP was not complaining about the guy being flaky, talking filthy, mixed messages etc. He seems a genuine guy, regardless of whether he's a doctor or a shelf-stacker - but not Dirty John!

CircleofWillis · 27/04/2021 06:41

chocbeforecock
"a good catch"

Really? Is this the 1950's?

PurplePansy05 · 27/04/2021 07:20

Yes. My aunt and uncle (her second DH) got together in their 50s too, he's a consultant, getting close to retirement now, but no slowing down for him, he's like a Duracell bunny haha. It's what you've described and more - sometimes they eat dinners at 11pm because she likes to wait for him. Sometimes he gets calls in the middle of a night. He gets asked for help by everyone, friends, neighbours, you name it, he's always happy to help. It's not easy, but he's a great guy and really does his best at juggling and she is happy to support him. She's few years older than him and now retired, it's become a lot easier now to be flexible and do things together at some random times when it's busy.

wonkylegs · 27/04/2021 08:36

I'm married to a consultant in an acute specialty who also does medical stuff on the side and yep it can be a bit different from a regular 9-5 and can make planning stuff a PITA.
I've been with him since he qualified (21yrs) and can say consultant Is definitely better than junior dr but depending on the specialty and other commitments, consultant can still be tough to get used to.
I've had people tell me it must be great being married to a dr and I always tell them it's great but not because he's a dr, that bit is hard.
I would say depending on the specialty it can be difficult when they have had a difficult time at work. DH really struggled when he lost a patient that was a similar age / demographic/ personal situation to himself and the past year or so has been tough and relentless, it has broken him. It's very hard to support that although it's worth trying. DH is rubbish at switching off from work which can be difficult.

ChocBeforeCock · 27/04/2021 08:45

@CircleofWillis

chocbeforecock "a good catch"

Really? Is this the 1950's?

Hilarious! of all the things people have been a twat about on Mumsnet, my phrase being old fashioned is my favourite! I’m in my 30s and most people I know use it to describe a nice guy 🤷🏽‍♀️

LimeCoconut · 27/04/2021 09:44

@wonkylegs

I'm married to a consultant in an acute specialty who also does medical stuff on the side and yep it can be a bit different from a regular 9-5 and can make planning stuff a PITA. I've been with him since he qualified (21yrs) and can say consultant Is definitely better than junior dr but depending on the specialty and other commitments, consultant can still be tough to get used to. I've had people tell me it must be great being married to a dr and I always tell them it's great but not because he's a dr, that bit is hard. I would say depending on the specialty it can be difficult when they have had a difficult time at work. DH really struggled when he lost a patient that was a similar age / demographic/ personal situation to himself and the past year or so has been tough and relentless, it has broken him. It's very hard to support that although it's worth trying. DH is rubbish at switching off from work which can be difficult.

People always tell me I'm lucky to be married to a doctor too and tbh, I agree with them (and people say it all the time about people married to women who are doctors in response to a PP saying that comment is sexist!). There are a lot of benefits. When we had DC I found it incredibly helpful that he had a lot of knowledge around health issues, what was normal etc., he turned out to be the one with the best parental instincts and was teaching me so much even though we were both first time parents. It's really nice to have someone in the house who can confidently say yeah, that rash is worrying or no, that's just this or that. Also helpful when you're ill, for example after the covid jab I was so incredibly unwell if I'd been alone I'd probably have called for medical help as it felt like an allergic reaction. With a doctor around it's very calming to have someone who can say nah, you're fine, it's just rigors and fever, here's some paracetamol go to sleep haha.

The earning power is helpful too and not having to worry about money, being well provided for, gives me options about working part time or full time depending on what I want.

I mean don't get me wrong he's lucky to be married to me too but of all the professions to marry I don't think it's a bad deal marrying a doctor, far from it. There's a reason people think you're lucky!

wonkylegs · 27/04/2021 11:31

@LimeCoconut
I'm guessing we have different types of drs
Mine although great with his patients, tends to be of the "ahh well your not dying" route once at home so is shit for problems or sympathy with the kids or my health and his hours mean he's often not here or contactable. He sees a lot of acutely ill people and has seen a lot of death so I suspect that changes his perspective.
I have a chronic disability (not his specialty) and frankly his lack of empathy was grating for years, he's become better over time especially as I was very ill when we had the kids. I'm fairly clued up with kids health and first aid so am better at that side of parenting so it doesn't bother me too much but his medical qualifications haven't really helped as much as you'd think.
As for earning potential my professional career took the hit due to needing flexibility for the family because his job has zero flexibility so in our situation it's less of a draw than I think it would be for some - when I had our last child (in his hospital rather than our closest one so that there was a chance of him attending), he stayed for the hour I had the baby and then had to get back to his patients. He did take parental leave but because it had to be fitted into the rota it wasn't actually when I had the baby, as it somewhat inconveniently didn't come on it's due date.

79andnotout · 27/04/2021 11:58

A lot of my friends are hospital based doctors - and they're all married to doctors. For this reason, I suspect. They also have nannies. Childcare options were difficult.

CircleofWillis · 27/04/2021 22:48

chocbeforechoc

CircleofWillis
chocbeforecock
"a good catch"

Really is this the 1850s?
Hilarious! of all the things people have been a twat about on Mumsnet, my phrase being old fashioned is my favourite! I’m in my 30s and most people I know use it to describe a nice guy 🤷🏽‍♀️*

And in the rest of the world it is used to perpetuate the sexist trope of women fortune hunting rich or successful men.

Have you really never wondered what was being caught or who was doing the catching?

I would give you the benefit of the doubt if you were using the phrase to refer to a less prestigious job, but as it is I think you are talking bollocks and really do think that a woman marrying a doctor has done very well for herself.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 27/04/2021 22:53

@rolloverrosie

Not necessarily. Our rotas are six monthly but last minute shifts happen a lot and even more often during covid. Even for consultants. For the speciality I work with its entirely normal for a consultant to get called out to an assessment when they're not even on call because the on call consultant is dealing with another one.

Obv not applicable to all specialities but certainly the one I work with. Not an easy job even at the top.

figuresomethingout · 27/04/2021 22:55

I'd be highly suspicious of a person who says they're some high-powered job hanging out on a dating site.

hahahahahahaha

There are so many doctors on dating sites! Mainly because the OPs problems proved a problem!

olympicsrock · 27/04/2021 23:00

I’m a doctor - quite impressed that he is booking in dates a few weeks in advance. We generally know what days we are working but late finishes and emergency cover happen often .
Very much depends on the specialty- an acute specialty will be busier than dermaholiday.....

osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/04/2021 23:24

@olympicsrock

I’m a doctor - quite impressed that he is booking in dates a few weeks in advance. We generally know what days we are working but late finishes and emergency cover happen often . Very much depends on the specialty- an acute specialty will be busier than dermaholiday.....

Yeah, me, too.

I0NA · 28/04/2021 01:23

I was just about to say you want a dermatologist.

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