Feels like my friends are not making an effort

[Bluesky5678]

I just wanted to share this with people who are not "involved" so that I can get an outsider's perspective. Please tell me if I'm being too demanding...but please be gentle, I really can't handle being yelled at online!

Basically, my whole life I have never had many friends. I'm just shy and very socially awkward so most of the people I know went to the same class as me, went the same uni or work in the same office - I don't class them as friends but rather acquaintances because we don't keep in touch, we don't talk, we just say "hi" if we pass each-other on the street. I have one really close friend, we have been friends since we were 4, not we are 29. She is not the issue here.

I have three other friends from uni, we became friends in uni halls and then moved into a student house together. We had lots of fun - we went on nights out, we had movie nights, we went for picnics etc, - you know as friends do. Anyway, life happened - we all graduated, moved out, got jobs, I moved in with a boyfriend and then married him. I still kept in touch with my 3 friends but with time, it just got less and less frequent.

In the last couple of years I started to feel like I'm the only one making an effort. I always mark on my calendar when my family and friends' birthdays are so I don't forget (don't laugh, I am really bad at remembering dates!) so every year I'd send my friends flowers, sweets (two of them are female) and I'd send the other friend video games, quirky gadgets (he's a geek so he loves that stuff), I'd send them Christmas gifts and cards, but in return I always got f* all! I never got any cards, flowers, Christmas cards - nothing!

The final straw was in 2019 when I got married one of my friends didn't come! She said she had an ear ache!!! I'm sorry but what a stupid excuse!!! After the wedding she didn't make an effort at all to meet me even though she said we can go for a mean after the wedding. Still waiting for the invite! If it was me and I couldn't make it to her wedding, I'd still send a present, and after the wedding I'd organise a meal and would ask my friend all about the wedding.

After that I think something snapped in me and I started to realise I seem to be the only one trying to keep this friendship alive. I get that they have their own lives and jobs etc but how hard is it to buy a £3 birthday card and send it to me?! I mean, I always do it!

Also, in 2020, in the height of the pandemic I got my citizenship. I didn't get as much as a "congratulations" on Facebook! When one of them got their citizenship (he got in when we were still in uni), I organised a party for him, got a cake and champagne and had booked a booth in a nightclub (we were 24 so we enjoyed clubbing a lot more). I'm not saying I want a party and a booth in a nightclub but after lockdown ended, they could have been like "hey you got your citizenship, let's go to this restaurant and have a celebratory meal" but no, to this day I got nothing!

So since then I kind of stepped back from the friendships. I'm not planning on sending any gifts or card for anyone's birthdays or special occasions. And guess what?! Recently, a friend of mine got promoted at work, and the other two were like "well done, congrats" and one sent her flowers. I said nothing because frankly, I've become bitter, and guess what - one of them messaged me privately and said why am I being so rude and didn't say anything to our friend! That honestly made me cry! I just cried with anger.

So am I being unreasonable or are my friends just no longer interested in me? I'm not afraid of losing people but I am also not confrontational, so I don't have the backbone to confront them because I know they'll probably say I'm being unreasonable. I don't expect the world but at least return my gestures. A relationship of any kind goes two ways, you know! If I have got you a birthday card and a present for the last 6 years, would you not at least send me something for my birthday? Would you not come to my wedding if we had been friends for 5 years?

I think with friendships you have to give more than U take or else they will all die out. If u over think who makes more effort you or them then you get bitter about it. You have to treat them as you would like them to treat u even if they don’t reciprocate. It’s hurtful when they don’t but it’s the only way to keep friendships going especially after you’ve moved on to other parts off your life. Some friends will stick and others won’t. It can’t be forced or worked at too much either. Just keep being a lovely friend even when they let you down. That’s how to keep friends .

I’m a bit like you, I remember everyone’s birthdays and people don’t remember mine or they send cards late etc. It does get annoying and hurtful to be honest. That said, I think it does often happen that uni friends do drift away a bit as your lives go in different directions. Generally it’s not usually personal it’s just life gets in the way and before you know it, years have passed and you haven’t got round to keeping in touch. So change your expectations a little, don’t send gifts to people who don’t bother with you but don’t get bitter either. Understand that friendships ebb and flow and value the friendships that are true - they’re a rare thing for anyone.

@Cleebope2

I think with friendships you have to give more than U take or else they will all die out. If u over think who makes more effort you or them then you get bitter about it. You have to treat them as you would like them to treat u even if they don’t reciprocate. It’s hurtful when they don’t but it’s the only way to keep friendships going especially after you’ve moved on to other parts off your life. Some friends will stick and others won’t. It can’t be forced or worked at too much either. Just keep being a lovely friend even when they let you down. That’s how to keep friends .

I completely disagree with this! @Bluesky5678 Doing the above is indicative of low self esteem and self worth and letting yourself be taken advantage of instead of set free to find friends who truly care.

I've experienced "friends" like the OP describes but I also have for several years true friends and the difference is night and day. OP ignore the above post and absolutely DO NOT put up with your so called "friends" behaviour.

My true friends duribg our friendship have been the ones to take the initiative at times in many different ways e.g. messages, or post gifts on my birthday since lockdown meant we couldn't meet. Healthy friendships are always give and take. Like any relationship, there are points when one friend may be giving more than the other e.g. when one person is going through a hard time or later in life childcare may mean finding quality time is difficult, however it should even out in the course of the friendship.

What you have here OP is you making so much more effort over a very long period of time. And worse than that, they're clearly able to make effort when it suits them I.e. for other people who are not you. They simply don't value you. It's as simple as that. It reflects their toxic nature and is nothing to do with you (like I said I've encountered people like your "friends" and got sucked in for a while because I liked them at the time and was also trying to ensure they accepted me and liked me).

You sound wonderful and caring OP and they do not deserve you at all. It must have been so hurtful that they gave that other friend flowers etc yet gave you nothing all these years. Such toxic people can sense low self esteem in others and use it as a license to treat that person badly. It often happens to people like you who are kind and empathetic but don't have good boundaries/self esteem. Well done - you've done exactly the right thing cutting them out. Just block any further messages from them all. They sound horrendous and are just trying to manipulate you.

Over time , you're very likely to find other proper friends through shared interests etc but you must work on your self esteem e.g. through therapy otherwise you risk falling in with toxic people again.

I’m like you, always remember by friends and their children’s birthdays and always send a card, sometimes a present. I very rarely get cards back. I think sending cards is dying out to be honest but I do it because I like to do it.
However, my friends are very good in other ways. They will organise meet ups, start text conversations and remember things happening in my life and ask about it. So the birthday thing I can let go as they just don’t do cards and I do. In your position I would be asking what do I actually get from these friendships and take it from there. If that means letting the friendships go then so be it. If they are good friends in other ways, then maybe they are worth keeping.

It's not toxic to make a decision to invest less in a friendship, esp if you're talking about material stuff! The OP can choose freely as to whether she invests a lot, but if she does, they don't have to sign up to do the same.

Libva obviously I don’t mean be a wet blanket and let people take u fir granted or walk over u ! I just mean if u start thinking what friends aren’t giving u instead of what they are then u will be left with no friends! And I have lots of positive long term friendships in my life full of ups and downs thank u v much .

I'd probably drop your level of effort rather than cutting them out completely, as I think friendships sometimes wax and wane. I think a text or SM media message for birthdays/celebrations is plenty for people who don't reciprocate presents/cards.

You need to put your energy into making new friends, you sound lovely.

I wouldn't set any store by birthday cards. Lots of people don't send them or want them. It's nice that you've been attentive on that front, but that has to be because you wanted to send cards/gifts/flowers and that's how you express your friendship. It's not on them to reciprocate. That said, them not commenting on your SM takes little effort and if it's something they'd normally do, then them not doing it feels significant. From everything you've put, it seems hard to draw any other conclusion than that they're all much closer to each other than they are to you, and that may just be a chemistry thing that can't be helped and you're right to invest less and perhaps fully withdraw if it's going to hurt you too much. (On a side note, ear ache can be awful and is a valid reason not to attend a wedding).

Agree with pp who say just invest less in these people who are not reciprocating. Just focus on the nice people and on finding new friends

I'm a really good friend but shit at sending stuff. I'll do anything for friends except send them timely cards. They aren't important to me.

Thank you everyone for you opinions, definitely given me food for thought.

I think this friendship is slowly dying, like some friendships do and it's high time I accept it. My 3 friends are not even close to each-other, the only time we all seem to "talk" is the a Facebook messenger group we created years ago.

Just wanted to make it clear, it's not about the birthday cards/flowers/presents, it's more about me putting an effort into something for them and not getting anything in return. I don't demand or expect presents for my birthday, but a simple "happy birthday" text of FB message would go a long way with me. I know cards are a dying trend but Facebook is still around, phones are still a thing.

Thanks again for all your opinions, definitely helped me out.

I think they are showing you what you and your friendship means to them. They don't care as much or they take you for granted. I have had friends like this. Friends I have to text first. Friends I've bought gifts for. I think that's fine sometimes but if generally you are doing everything and getting nothing back then you need to take a step back and consider whether you are happy with that. It sounds like you're not.

I now make no more effort with people than they do with me and I don't mean that in a way that I deliberately make no effort but I don't contact those who don't bother to ever text to ask how I am and things are a lot more equal with those I am in touch with.

With your friends asking why you didn't congratulate the others it's tough because I'd usually say be honest but they'd probably take it as you being petty if you were honest. You could just say youve taken a step back as you feel a bit taken for granted.

A lot of uni friendships happen out of convenience. In the gentlest way possible this seems to have happened to yours and you sound a bit desperate to keep putting in effort. You guys don’t even talk much anymore and your friends are very rude for not reciprocating.
You deserve better OP

Sometimes people’s lives go in different directions and we leave friendships behind. You sound lovely and caring and I think you are doing the right thing in taking a step back. Form new friendships that are give and take with people who are worth investing your time in xx

Agree with pp who say just invest less in these people who are not reciprocating. Just focus on the nice people and on finding new friends.

I agree with this advice, too. It appears as though these friendships have run their course and that it’s you making all the running. When that happens, it’s sad but time to move on.

I agree with this

I don't bother anymore its all one way I'm.quite happy with it that way

It's not their responsibility to return your kindness. There shouldn't be an obligation. What's meant to happen is that you take responsibility for investing your time and efforts into relationships you feel are right for you, not that you keep putting in the hard work for people who don't reciprocate, and then get pissed off when they are who they are.

You're choosing incompatible friends and then feeling like a victim of their unkindness. You have to catch this stuff before it starts: choose people who make you feel good. People who appreciate you. People who receive your efforts in the way they are meant.

But it's your responsibility. Don't get pissed off with others for not being who you want them to be: your life is all about you; their lives are not.

Here here

The problem is I think we expect people to be like us....and they are not unfortunately

Message for people with shit friends,To be honest it really does question why people are friends with people who can't be arsed to make effort and that you do all the giving ,
I would seriously consider making some new friends who will appreciate you, people think that not sending a Christmas birthday card is not big deal but the fact is your constantly there for this person,they ask you for money favours but when it comes down to it they can't be bothered to get off there areses to be there for you,IE when your fighting cancer organ failure, bereavement,etc so I would tell them where to get off

I should probably name change for this but anyway...

I’m sure a lot of my friends think I don’t make enough effort. But the truth is I make far less money than anyone I know and it’s embarrassing. I’m tired from work, lonely because I am not married, stressed out by dozens of things happening in the world. My job involves talking to strangers all day long.

I love my friends and I’m sure that everyone has the same issues as me but still makes more effort. I can’t explain it but sometimes I just feel too lonely to think about making an effort even though when I am busy I am generally cheerful.

I would guess similar things going on with your friends. Life can be so stressful and everything fragmented.

Honestly in your situation I would do my best to appeal to their decency and better nature and hope that actually they were just being blind to how you felt and may have a different perspective.

Sitting down, and actually speaking to them, expressing how you feel could be amazing for you, as I’m sure you don’t want to actually lose their friendship, the outcome you want is for them to appreciate you and see you.
So maybe they need a gentle reminder that you’re feeling unseen and unacknowledged by them and that they mean the world to you.
It would be a real shame not to try and fight for this friendship given how long it’s gone on for

OP, honestly, these are university friendships that have been on the wane for the best part of a decade by the sound of things — how often do you actually speak to or see these people? You describe yourself as shy and socially awkward and with few friends, and in the nicest possible way, it sounds as if you’re clinging to dead relationships because you haven’t replaced them with newer friends — to be honest, I’d probably be a bit baffled if an old university housemate kept sending me birthday and Christmas presents. I don’t exchange either with even my closest friends. This year because of a lot going on, I didn’t send any Christmas cards.

I’m like you. The organiser/giver/carer of the group. It’s exhausting and it’s become demeaning. I stopped once I realised that part as well. When I received messages asking what’s happened/why am I being so stand-offish, I explained (politely) that I was putting the same amount of effort into friendships as I was getting back. I have examples. I said that in the past I had chosen to prioritize my friendship over my resentment for these things (Ie missing the wedding, not acknowledging birthdays, citizenship, etc…). This person does all of these things for other people, so obviously does not value my presence in their life at all and I was unwilling to be a doormat.