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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OLD has unblocked me... (Perhaps triggering sorry)

44 replies

whatsupOLD · 24/04/2021 20:02

an idiot I briefly dated last year has got back in touch. I'm half tempted to find out what he wants. I just want some closure. But am I being ridiculous?

We dated for a few months when there was no lockdowns about five months ago. He was fun and exciting and took my mind off things for a bit. Last February (on my first ever date after my divorce) I was raped. So he knew this and took things slowly and was generally understanding.

Last time I saw him I stayed over. I was ill in the morning and I slept in till lunchtime. I woke up to find him having sex with me without a condom (he knew I wanted to use a condom. We always had before)

I was so shocked I don't think I said much. Just that he needed to get an std test to stop me freaking. He promised he would. Said he was an adult. But that we 'both' got carried away...

Then several days later he sent me a message saying his dad was ill so he couldn't deal with this and blocked me.

He unblocked me last week and tried to call. I didn't answer. Today hes sent me a very stilted text asking how I am.

I half want to find out what lame ass excuse he has for being such a prick. But at the same time I don't know if I can be bothered with all the stress.

Congrats if you've read all this.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 24/04/2021 20:08

I'm so sorry you've had two such horrible experiences at a time when you should be having fun and finding yourself again.

I completely understand the w8sh to tell him what's what...but really, what will it achieve? Its more important that you work on yourself, and work out how to stop getting into bed with these awful dangerous men who have no respect for you.

theotherfossilsister · 24/04/2021 20:11

He's scared you'll report him to the police. Do it if you have the emotional energy (although totally get it if not after all the horrible things you've been through)

Do not give him the reassurance of a reply. Write 'please do not contact me again.'

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 24/04/2021 20:12

You need to block him for your own sanity

EinAugenblickBitte · 24/04/2021 20:14

What @theotherfossilsister said. He's shitting it in case you report him to the police.

picklemewalnuts · 24/04/2021 20:14

I'd suggest replying 'you are a rapist'.

Rmka · 24/04/2021 20:16

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
You should not under any circumstances contact your ex. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but the time you woke up and he had sex with you - that was a form of rape.
Try to seek some support. There are organisations helping rape survivors, you can contact one and they can help.
Sending you virtual hugs and again sorry this has happened to you.

Aprilx · 24/04/2021 20:20

I think he has unblocked you to maybe engage in some non hostile dialogue to use as some form of “evidence” in case you press charges.

He raped you. Waking up to find someone having sex with you is rape, whether they used a condom or not.

CarmelBeach · 24/04/2021 20:23

Oh my dear
He knew you'd been raped and then he raped you.

Block him. I agree he is likely using it a chance to get some sort of consent message, perhaps someone else has reported him.

I am so sorry Flowers

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 24/04/2021 20:29

I'd be so tempted to message him back about what happened, get him to admit it, then go straight to the police. That is literally the only reason to respond to this abusing rapist prick.

SunnySpills · 24/04/2021 20:31

Don't reply, there's absolutely nothing this rapist can say to make the situation any better op.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 24/04/2021 20:33

Tell him he raped you. Then block. There is nothing he can say to make it better. Nothing.

Thelnebriati · 24/04/2021 20:33

Please don't get drawn into messaging him, and talk to Rape Crisis. Flowers

hibeat · 24/04/2021 20:34

What do you need to say to a rapist? Have you come to term with it? He hasn't, do you want someone in your life telling you he did nothing?

BlueDahlia69 · 24/04/2021 20:34

Block

Goodmum1234 · 24/04/2021 20:36

I’m sorry this happened to you.
When I read this I actually thought this was when you were raped in February. This prick raped you as well and like many posters have said, he is shitting himself about what HE did to you.
Please avoid at all costs and if you want to, report both to the police.
I hope you are okay

pasturesgreen · 24/04/2021 20:40

I'm sorry, OP Flowers

You need to block him, don't be drawn into replying. You won't get closure, please don't let him hurt you anymore.

SpeakingFranglais · 24/04/2021 20:43

@Aprilx

I think he has unblocked you to maybe engage in some non hostile dialogue to use as some form of “evidence” in case you press charges.

He raped you. Waking up to find someone having sex with you is rape, whether they used a condom or not.

Exactly my thoughts,
Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2021 20:44

He raped you. Please report if you want. But do not engage. Flowers

OfaFrenchmind2 · 24/04/2021 20:47

@theotherfossilsister has it right.
He is a rapist, and you do not owe him anything, especially peace of mind.

CovidSmart · 24/04/2021 20:48

Actually the fact he didn’t use a condom when he knew you wanted him to makes it even worse.

bubblebath62636 · 24/04/2021 20:48

He raped you. I am so sorry, please look after yourself op, report him if you feel able to Flowers

Original poster
whatsupOLD · 24/04/2021 20:51

Thank you everyone.

I did need to hear it. It's been quite emotional reading all your replies. Deep down I know it was rape. I just can't really bear to say it out loud. It's just such a kick in the teeth especially as he knew about the previous rape. I'm exhausted.

I went back and read some of our messages. I did say over text about waking up to find him having sex with me. His response was he was sorry ' I was upset by what we did'. He's never going to admit anything.

Thank you so much for all your advice. I went to sarc for the rape in February. They were amazing and set me up with counselling. I will go back to them when I'm feeling up to it.

Thanks again for making me feel like I'm not going mad

OP posts:
PrawnofthePatriarchy · 24/04/2021 20:56

What he did to you is rape and I expect he knows it. I'd text back You're a rapist" and probably block him. Though I'd be likely not to block because of being curious about any reply but that's because I can be vindictive

IWantT0BreakFree · 24/04/2021 20:58

Like other PPs, I think he's realising that you could well have reported him to the police (or be considering it) and is now scared shitless. He is hoping that he can either gaslight you some more and reassure himself that you haven't realised it was rape (and therefore he's "safe"), or he's hoping to generate some evidence of amicable contact between the two of you, so that if you report him in the future he can use it against you in an investigation ("but look, we had a nice chat in April so how can I possibly have raped her prior to that").
If it were me, I'd message back "As you are well aware, the last time I saw you, you raped me. I woke up to find you penetrating me with your penis, with no condom. I do not wish to have any further contact with you and will be blocking you as soon as this message is sent. Do not attempt to contact me via any other means or I will involve the police immediately.".

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 24/04/2021 20:58

Good advice here. I’ll just add my sympathy and solidarity. I’m glad you’re getting support, and do take up the offer of counselling. Flowers

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