Lack of support from DH since having DS

[notsomagic]

Since having our baby 6 months ago DH has offered minimal support and hasn’t shown much interested in helping to raise DS. He’s a workaholic and works 6 days a week (we agreed before having DS he would stop working Saturday’s but he hasn’t stuck to that) he’s now also taken up a hobby that he’s out of the house for twice a week. I told him I thought this was wrong at first he agreed not to do the hobby but then secretly signed up behind my back.

I’m breastfeeding so he’s never once had a sleeplessness night or looked after DS for longer than a couple of hours. I do everything from trying to manage the house to doing everything for DS whilst I’m also dealing with a health issue. I get zero time to myself, I never even have time to watch anything on the TV or relax and have a bath as once DS is in bed it’s a toss up between me time or sleep (I always choose sleep). My only real emotional / physical support is my mum.

I brought how I’m feeling up to him on numerous occasions but it always just ends in me venting and him refusing to change anything. I’ve been ill the last few days and he wouldn’t even go into work an hour later and watch DS whilst I caught up on sleep from DS waking up 4 times in the evening. He’s self employed so he could do if he wanted to. My health issue has got worse because I’ve been run down so just got off phone to 111 who have told me to go to a&e to be checked he’s off out to his hobby so I’m having to wait for my mum to get here to watch DS.

I’m ready to just check out if my marriage at this point until I can afford to leave.

This is common. And it doesn't get better. I would go and stay with your mum, wouldn't wait. He doesn't want to be married or have a family.

Sadly some men are like this. My DP wasn't brilliant at the night time feeds as I was breast feeding too, but he did cook and look after DD so I could get me time. I went back to my hobby (one evening a week) when DD was about 3 wks old so we got into that type of routine pretty quickly.

Can you call him back from his hobby? If you can - make that call.

He may not come home, but he has to know he's opting out of family life. Is there anyone who would pull him up on his opting out - a close friend, brother for example. I know it shouldn't be this way but some people react better to being called to account by people outside the couple relationship. They perceive it as 'nagging' if you say something but don't want to seem unreasonable when challenged by others. Would you Mum say something if she's still there and you're still in A&E when he comes home ?

I hope you feel better soon. Now is not the time to be making major decisions, but don't forget this. In the meantime can your Mum stay or can you stay with her for a while?

Can you stay with your mum?

I suggest you leave now for your mum's. Maybe sending a strong message like that will shake him and get him to change.

If you stay, he's complacent that you will just suck it up and he'll probably act all surprised when you eventually leave permanently.

Are you on maternity leave?

If at all possible, go to your mums and stay there. And don't bother informing him of your whereabouts.

I agree, pack a couple of bags, when your mum comes head off and stay with her after you've been to a and e. Take important documents with you so you have them all to hand if you need them.

I'd bet your husband is exactly the same way he was before you had a baby, you were just able to ignore it before. Having a child quickly rips the blinders off. He won't change, so you need to get out.

There are men who are beyond useless at the baby stage but who do become genuinely good dads later - anything from when kids can talk to around 7 or so. I still think this can cause permanent damage to a relationship- they're often the ones who are surprised their wives lose interest in sex etc - but some partnerships can tolerate it. It is often the grandparents who step up in some form in the early years.

I'm not saying you should have to put up with this utter shit. Just saying it sometimes happens and if there are good aspects to your relationship which you're not mentioning today, you could consider it.

Another vote for going to your mum’s if you can. She sounds great. He sounds fucking useless and incredibly selfish. From his behaviour he doesn’t care about you or your baby at all. Why stay?

Did he want to have a baby?

Hope a&e can get you sorted, what a worry.

Can’t help with the selfish husband problem but at six months baby is the perfect age to sleep train, I’d look into this ASAP. We used the ferber method. You can’t keep doing this all alone and baby doesn’t need night feeds anymore, it’s a habit. Get some sleep, and you can deal with the rest with a clearer more rested mind. I’m sorry he’s such a let down. I can’t understand men like this. I just don’t get it.

Breastfed babies absolutely do need to feed at night. It’s hard but 4 wake ups a night is completely biologically normal. You don’t have to sleep train. There’s no perfect age to sleep train because there’s no perfect time to ignore your child’s needs because they’re inconvenient.

What you need is proper support and to ditch your horrible husband. I hope your mum can help.

You could pump milk, and leave the baby with him to buy yourself a few hours peace, but that would not fix the underlying issues.

The current set up works for him, so he wants it to stay the same.

Does he think you're trapped? Sometimes the reality of losing someone can be a massive kick up the arse.

The trouble with having to resort to ultimatums and threats is that if he loves and respects you, they should not be necessary. The fact that you are ill and struggling should be enough to prompt change.

Do you mean he was already at his hobby when you were told to go to a &e or he knew but he chose to go out.
If he didnt phone him up and tell him to come back, if you cant get through phone a friend/the organiser/reception depending on what it is.
If he knew but chose to go out then i would be considering the future of my marriage.

@SixesAndEights

I agree, pack a couple of bags, when your mum comes head off and stay with her after you've been to a and e. Take important documents with you so you have them all to hand if you need them.

This.

He has zero interest in you or your child.

He's a waster.

Make plans to protect yourself from him.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Breastfed babies absolutely do need to feed at night. It’s hard but 4 wake ups a night is completely biologically normal. You don’t have to sleep train. There’s no perfect age to sleep train because there’s no perfect time to ignore your child’s needs because they’re inconvenient.

What you need is proper support and to ditch your horrible husband. I hope your mum can help.

I’m not sure where to go with this but I’m unwilling to get into a debate on a struggling woman’s post so I will leave it. It’s a practical option for OP, she may or may not choose to explore it as is her right. She needs some sleep if her husband isn’t going to step up.

Another option OP is moving to formula so he can share night feeds 50/50. Hope you’re okay at hospital.

I could stay with my mum but my sister is also living with her at the moment and I have pets that need looking after and I can’t take them with me. It just doesn’t feel very practical and the last thing I need right now is more stress.

@VanillaCokeZero DS has actually been sleeping through from 7 weeks (although he doesn’t sleep until 9pm) he’s usually a great sleeper but he’s teething so I’m his comfort at the moment and waking 4 times was a one off. Plus I don’t believe in sleep training. But thank you for suggestion.

@Aquamarine1029 Yes he’s actually always been like this but I suppose I was always too busy myself to notice.

@User27aw I had a fever last night so he already knew I was ill I woke up still feeling bad and he still left me with the baby to go to his hobby knowing I had called my mum to look after DS.

This wasn’t what I signed up for. I honestly thought he would be a great dad. Just shocked what my marriage has turned into and that I couldn’t see this before.

Can't he even be trusted to look after the pets?

OP,

I'm so sorry that it has turned out like this for you, and I mean it very kindly, but the signs were there but you just didn't see it.

Selfish, lazy, hobbie obsessed men pre children, rarely, if ever, morph into kind, supportive, devoted fathers.

They just don't, unfortunately.

The man you live with before you have children, is very often the best version of him.

If he hasn't done his fair share in the home, lived in a clean home himself, displayed general kindness and consideration of you before children, it's just so unlikely that a baby coming home from hospital is going to cause a 360 degree transformation.

Resign yourself to who he is as a man and accept it.

Don't fight it.

You will waste huge energy and your valuable MH, stressing over him not being a man that he actually NEVER was.

This is who he is.

Organise and protect yourself and your child.

Again, I really am so sorry for your disappointment.

If he is getting two nights a week, you have two nights.

Express milk and go out for the same length as he does.

Don't warn him though, just get up and say your off out, see you later

That's awful OP

I cant believe some people are saying maybe he will step up when your baby is older as some men are rubbish with small children. He is not only being a rubbish patent thougg he is being a rubbish partner. I'd look after a friends baby for a few hours if they (the friend) had a fever but he knows you've been up 4x in the night and has left you alone, ill, to look after your baby. That's horrible. Even if he isn't finding parenthood to be how he imagined, he has still left his baby in the care of his sick wife to go off and have fun. I really don't think someone like that will have an epiphany and suddenly change.

You can only change your behaviour. Make plans to leave, or if you don't think the baby would be in any danger, you could just inform him you're going out for a few hours and there is expressed milk in a bottle in the fridge and then just leg it, see how he likes being the default parent without any say in it.
But to be honest if you have spoken to him already and he is refusing to change, it sounds to me like he has already checked out of the marriage and being a parent and I think you're better off sorting your own plans without him

I have experienced this hence I raised my daughter alone....it was far easier than being a golf widow from the birth of my daughter. As another poster said. This is it I am afraid. It might get a bit better when they are walking and talking but you will have to suck this up for now. Your husband is not going to change and has shown you that he does not give a flying fig about you or the baby as he got himself a hobby behind your back. So sorry. Its not fun at all. But, you still have choices, stay or leave.

Stay with your mum as you're lucky to have that option.
My partner was the same when dd was born. Working until 7 or 8pm (later than usual). Night fishing most weekends. I fuxking hated him. If I had not been in the throws of PND and had money I'd have left forever.
Selfish.
She's 14 now and had 2 surgeries in the last 2 years. He went night fishing the night ww brought her home after surgery 1. I was petrified that I wouldn't manage her pain at home (I didn't show this). I slept downstairs with her with alarms on for Painkiller top ups.

Look, they rarely get better. If you have support and capacity to leave, do so. I've found life disappointing and am numb to it now. Idgaf. When she's out I'd like to move on.

Awful for you
As there is no room at your mums could she come and stay with you
He would be shamed into how much he doesn’t do
If I Was your mother I would stay with you and give him jobs to do ie right the tea needs cooking or the baby needs a bath which one Are you doing
I’d be very nice about it and look as though yes this is the norm to do this

Yes, he’s an arsehole. It amazes me how many men (and it is always men) seem to think their life shouldn’t change when they become fathers. He doesn’t seem to have realised that working parents actually parent when they’re not at work and hobbies get dropped or massively scaled back in the early years. He sounds very selfish and it’s extremely disappointing that he refuses to change. I would also go and stay elsewhere for a bit. Let him care for your pets.

@mamas12

Awful for you As there is no room at your mums could she come and stay with you He would be shamed into how much he doesn’t do If I Was your mother I would stay with you and give him jobs to do ie right the tea needs cooking or the baby needs a bath which one Are you doing I’d be very nice about it and look as though yes this is the norm to do this

Men like this don't feel shame. And they don't care how nice you are about jobs, they'll simply stay out of the house.

What billy said is spot on.

He was always like this. This is who he is.

I'd get an AirB&B that takes pets then, anything to get away from him. Don't waste your time and energy trying to change him or hoping he'll be better later, he won't.

Nice people stay nice people. And twats stay twats.