Lack of support from DH since having DS

[notsomagic]

Since having our baby 6 months ago DH has offered minimal support and hasn’t shown much interested in helping to raise DS. He’s a workaholic and works 6 days a week (we agreed before having DS he would stop working Saturday’s but he hasn’t stuck to that) he’s now also taken up a hobby that he’s out of the house for twice a week. I told him I thought this was wrong at first he agreed not to do the hobby but then secretly signed up behind my back.

I’m breastfeeding so he’s never once had a sleeplessness night or looked after DS for longer than a couple of hours. I do everything from trying to manage the house to doing everything for DS whilst I’m also dealing with a health issue. I get zero time to myself, I never even have time to watch anything on the TV or relax and have a bath as once DS is in bed it’s a toss up between me time or sleep (I always choose sleep). My only real emotional / physical support is my mum.

I brought how I’m feeling up to him on numerous occasions but it always just ends in me venting and him refusing to change anything. I’ve been ill the last few days and he wouldn’t even go into work an hour later and watch DS whilst I caught up on sleep from DS waking up 4 times in the evening. He’s self employed so he could do if he wanted to. My health issue has got worse because I’ve been run down so just got off phone to 111 who have told me to go to a&e to be checked he’s off out to his hobby so I’m having to wait for my mum to get here to watch DS.

I’m ready to just check out if my marriage at this point until I can afford to leave.

This happened to me. I left him the minute I trusted him to be able to look after our youngest alone. The resentment was fierce and I hated him for watching me struggle o exhausted whilst he had afternoon naps and shut himself away watching football, or booked himself on a hobby that meant he was out all Sunday for months on end.
Left 2 years ago and only the other day he was crying down the phone about how terrible he had been and what he would have changed if he had his time again - I agreed.
Seriously if you don’t nip this in the bud now if you are anything like me you will just stop loving him.

Just to check did your DH go off to his hobby knowing you are so ill that 111 told you to go to A and E?

@Housemovestress

This happened to me. I left him the minute I trusted him to be able to look after our youngest alone. The resentment was fierce and I hated him for watching me struggle o exhausted whilst he had afternoon naps and shut himself away watching football, or booked himself on a hobby that meant he was out all Sunday for months on end. Left 2 years ago and only the other day he was crying down the phone about how terrible he had been and what he would have changed if he had his time again - I agreed. Seriously if you don’t nip this in the bud now if you are anything like me you will just stop loving him.

This is pretty much my story too. I left when DS was 3. Best thing I ever did.

I can't imagine how upsetting that is, op 😣

I have a 9 month old, breastfeed and am also awake a couple times at night. If my husband didn't help out, I'd be completely worn out. I completely respect you for doing such an amazing job on your own.

Thank god you have your mum. Your husband sounds very selfish and just like he can't be bothered, which must be incredibly hurtful. If he's not willing to listen to you and step up, you will have to re-evaluate whether you want to continue this relationship and the fact he's let you down so much.

I have the greatest of respect for women who have the guts to realise their waster men are not going to change and refuse to sacrifice their future, and get the hell out.

Not easy but so brave.@Housemovestress and @HelloCanYouHearMe

Thank you all for the replies.

He wasn’t actually into his hobby until DS came alone. Never even watched football on the TV now it’s on constantly until I change the channel. A poster had asked if he thinks I’m trapped and I do think that is the case now hence the change in him. He’s always been useless support wise but I wouldn’t have married the man he is now.

His own dad was always out of the house working and so is his brother in law so I guess he just thinks it’s normal. His excuse is he’s always he’s working so much for “us” but adding a hobby to already being out of the house so much just shows he isn’t interested in family life.

The resentment has been building since DS was born as I do everything and now after bailing on me when I needed him it’s even worse. I know I can’t change him and really don’t want to / have the energy to try. I will leave if things carry on this way (which I know they will) so it’s only a matter of time. But financially I would be screwed if I left now and I would hate to be away from DS at this young age and wouldn’t trust him to look after him alone until he’s older.

And yes he still left even though he knew I had to go to a&e. He called on the way home acting concerned but then came home put football on and fell asleep on the sofa. I’m very lucky to have my mums support.

@billy1966 Yes I agree so brave, well done ladies. I hope I can do the same when the time is right.

But financially I would be screwed if I left now and I would hate to be away from DS at this young age and wouldn’t trust him to look after him alone until he’s older.

He won't bother. He'll have an excuse why he can't make it. How would you be screwed financially? Are you on mat leave?

When DS came along, my life was turned upside down and exDPs stayed the same. His friends called him out on it, I called him out on it. I cried, I begged, nothing changed.

He would finish work at 5 but wouldnt get home till 6 (the commute was only 20mins) and would go straight upstairs for an hour to 'destress' from his non-stressful sat on his arse all day office job. Would come down the stairs at 7 demanding to know what was for dinner or depending on the day, go back out to play/watch football.

On Saturday he would leave the house at 8am for parkrun and then again at 1pm to go watch our local 3rd division club play football. 1pm for a 3pm kick off. We lived a 15min drive from the stadium. I wouldnt see him again till 8pm if I was lucky - it was more like 2am. And dont get me started on what time he'd surface on a sunday

When he was at home he wouldnt lift a finger - no cooking, no washing, no cleaning.

The final straw came when we went on holiday. We got through airport security late. I needed the toilet and DS needed a nappy change. I asked DP to do the nappy change for me and he said no because it meant he wouldnt have time for a pint before boarding. That set the tone and the holiday was no different to being at home ("i'm on holiday, i'm having a break" was the excuse given for not helping out)

When we got home, I started making plans and packed up and left 6 weeks later. DP couldnt understand why, begged me to come home, told me would do anything i asked him to... No - it was far too late for that, the resentment was too much and all the love was gone. We'd been together 16 years.

DS and I went to live with my parents for a year whilst ExDP and I sorted out the financials and I now have a lovely little place where football never graces the TV. Ive also met someone who has shown me what its like to be in a proper grown up, loving and supportive relationship.

"But financially I would be screwed if I left now and I would hate to be away from DS at this young age and wouldn’t trust him to look after him alone until he’s older".

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law; exercise those sooner rather than later. Why would you be screwed financially if you left now?.

He cannot be bothered to look after his child even if you are around so when his son is older he will likely behave the same. All this man cares about is his work and his hobby, you two are not on his priority list.

There are only two moves to make:

Stay with him. But... You will be miserably unhappy. He may split with you unexpectedly. Your resentment will get worse.

Or split with him. You will be mentally and emotionally better off, but finances might be seriously compromised.

Why would you be financially screwed if you split?

Do you own a home together? Are you on maternity leave? Were you working/what are your plans for working?

Mine was like this, did sweet fuck all. I also thought he would be a good dad, he really wanted kids and I wasn't so bothered. He's probably taken both of them out of the house alone about 6 times in 13 years and only when I've asked. I had no family support what so ever, mine live the other side of the world and his refused to help, they live 20 mins away and have never had them overnight or taken them for an outing ever. Guess it runs in the family.

He did eventually get interest but it took 12 years, we haven't had sex since 2014 and I've sort happiness elsewhere.