MIL is always interfering

[Mollie5]

Me and DH are in our late 20s we're married with a baby and have our own house together. We saved up and bought this house together.

His mother is always coming down and being nosey around the house. She always complains about everything. We've recently done a house renovation and she keeps coming down and being nosey, looks through my kitchen cupboards, snoops around upstairs.

Me and DH have both told her to stop but she isn't listening. We're both getting fed up with her. She always has to call everyday to check up on us, to see what baby ate for the day etc. She acts like we're not capable of living independently, we've told her to stop but nothing is working. Any advice.

Maybe she’s interested in her grandchild

How does she get into the house? You could tell her that she needs to ring or text you before planning a visit, and then if she turns up tell her sorry you're too busy right now to let her in.

@OverTheRainbow88

Maybe she’s interested in her grandchild

And how is snooping round OPs home mean she is interested in her grandchild? Untidy draw in a bedroom means neglected child?

Snooping in cupboards isn't having interest in your grandchild. It's being boat and controlling over the rainbow

You are going to have to limit contact.

Nosy (not boat)

She really puts us both down and is critical, ive stopped answering her daily check up calls and now she calls DH instead.

His mother is being overbearing and her behaviour is unacceptable.

How is she gaining access into your home?. If she has a key change the locks asap; I suggest that as she would be unlikely to willingly hand a key back.

You do not mention FIL here; is he still in your lives?.

It looks like your H and you are on the same page here re his mother which is a good thing; maintain a united front. Does your H have siblings; if so how are they treated?.

DH needs to stop at all answering her calls also and block her from she being able to contact him. She may well then start using other relatives to contact you for her; the so called "flying monkeys". If that happens ignore these people too; they are not interested in hearing your side of things.

You all need to stay well away from her.

He has one brother who lives in a different city, she doesn't bother checking up on him. It's only us. She doesn't have a key, she usually comes weekly to see DC. Husband recommended he takes DC to hers once a week instead but she insists on coming to ours.

FIL just listens and agrees with everything she says.

Don’t answer the phone and don’t answer the door to her.

If your DH lets her in walk away from her and ignore her completely. Your DH can answer her questions she’s his mother.

I'd tell her one final time to stop snooping and interfering and give her the ultimatum of DH taking your child to her if she continues. And then stick to it.

Be out /shut curtains and lock doors... Leave her to dh.
My ils never had my mobile number..
Dh can visit her...
Keeping her out is necessary!!

I can see why his brother moved away; you're ultimately going to have to do the same.

FIL is her enabler as well as a bystander acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He is truly a weak man.

She does not have a key thankfully and you people do not have to feel obligated now to let her and her enabler H into your home. Do not further let her into your home if she turns up, even if she starts banging on doors and windows. Such harassment should not and cannot be tolerated.

She wants to continue to lord it over you both under the pretence of going to see her grandchild. Don't allow that to keep happening.

She can't insist on coming to your house. You need to learn to shut down any discussion. So, when she says she's coming over reply, 'that doesn't work for us, Bob will baby to your next Tuesday' etc. When she objects 'that's a pity. So, how's Bob's Dad/the cat /work/your garden looking' etc. Smiley and friendly tone.

she insists on coming to ours

She doesn't have the power to insist that you host her. She's your MIL not the Housework Police.

You and your DH need to practise together saying "No Mum, that doesn't work for us. We'll pop round for a cuppa on Sunday afternoon with the baby."

If she asks why then be very honest. "You snoop around our house looking in our cupboards and drawers and that is unacceptable." Then just shut up. Don't say anything else. Keep repeating yourselves. Broken record technique. "No, that doesn't work for us. No, we won't be doing that. No, that's not going to happen."

"Husband recommended he takes DC to hers once a week instead but she insists on coming to ours"

You are under no obligation still to let her into your home particularly as you know she is going to snoop about through your things.

That is a very weak response from your H and actually plays into her hands. Such appeasing behaviour is seen as weak and makes people like his mother behave worse. Its not your fault nor his that his mother is like this, neither of you made her that way. FIL cannot be at all relied upon either.

If she is too toxic/difficult or otherwise too batshit for you to deal with, its actually the same deal for your child too. Your child needs emotionally healthy grandparent role models and his parents do not fit the bill.

I've stopped talking to her, she decided to talk about my spending habits. I told her it was none of her business, I earn my own money and should be able to spend it as I please. She didn't like that and cried and went home. Having her around isn't good for my mental health. I'm feeling so anxious even thinking about her.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics being played out here by his mother and her enabler of a husband. Women like this always need a willing enabler to help them and that person here is your FIL.

It's very simple - you don't allow her in when she calls. Tell her you are busy, that Dh will call round later/tomorrow/whenever suits him with the baby and close the door. She is being totally disrespectful towards you so you don't need to pander to her. And the same for Dh. He needs to step up and impose the same boundaries. Otherwise you are both in for a long life of arguements because of her.

You've stood up to her over the spending issue, so you know you can do it again. So what if she goes home crying like a toddler - she's throwing a tantrum because she didn't get her own way which is pathetic for a grown woman. She's hoping by doing that you will feel bad and back down, apologise etc. Don't do that!

My MIL died 15 years ago but used to come round when I was at work, make comments about ironing piles, (and take some with her- yay!!!) just generally ‘snoop’ — we moved away