Is it selfish I want to leave home when my mother has a terminal illness

[Justarandomusername]

We've never had a good relationship she's in final stage of co PD she gets confused aggressive makes untrue allegations about me which some believe such as I steal from her she gets up during night I have to put her back to bed or she constantly shouts on me I feel I'm expected to be with her 24 7 if I go out she will shout help me and there's an attitude from neighbours I've been asked to be with her at night inase she wanders around and I wonder when I'm supposed to get a break or rest I've been offered my own place which I want to take but I know I'll get be for taking it as nobody else seems to want to step up and be there there happy to sit back and let me deal with her and there's an attitude if I dare want anytime to myself I feel resentful and used

No it doesn't
They might be associated but one condition doesn't cause the other.
(Dementia diagnosis is my job)

However people with COPD have usually been heavy smokers
And heavy smoking IS a risk factor for Alzheimer's disease and vascular dementia.
So many people with COPD would also have dementia due to the common risk factor of smoking.

You need to be very robust now OP. Take the property and inform social services. Do not ask permission or apologise. As a PP advised, say that you’ll help out with shopping, admin, and house maintenance but no more. Over to them!

The neighbours are not relevant.

Do you have other family members who are refusing to help? Your own mental health is important too. If there is other family tell them you are going as well as telling Social Services. Can your mom go into a nursing home or end of care facility for her final days as they are trained to take care of the elderly and do shifts after all. It's not sustainable for you to keep doing this. There is no shame in saying : that's it l cannot do it.

You're not being "taken for a mug" as the state expects families to care for their own. What the state is failing at however is to provide you with the support you need to do this. Only you know whether you still want to be involved in caring for your mother (in which case, keep fighting for assistance) or whether you want done with it all. If the latter, tell the relevant departments when you will be moving out and accept the offer of somewhere else to live.

Take the property. Tell Social Services you are moving out and will no longer be caring for your mother on a permanent basis. They have been using you and it's appalling. And don't give a shit what the neighbours think, you deserve a life.

It's hard - my Dsis and I were under enormous pressure from my mum's NDN to either move in with her or have her move in with us (not practicable - she was in the Netherlands, we're both in the UK). I ended up blocking the neighbours and engaging only with the care system, making it very clear that neither my Dsis nor I were going to become permanent carers.

People can live for years with a diagnosis of terminal COPD. Move out while you have the opportunity and let Social Services take over - make sure to tell that you are not prepared to continue with this care.

PS Ignore the neighbours and their "attitude".

Tell social services that you've moved out so she is now living alone with no care

This. As many of us know from experience, it really is the only way either of you will get any support

And please ignore the neighbours; it's very easy to spout what others should do when you're not the one doing it, and it's none of their business anyway

It's far better to refuse full stop and then after they have put in the most minimal care they can you can offer additional support/social visiting.

It sounds like you need to get a job and prepare for the future.

On the same subject there's a tricky situation that's arose that I'm not sure how to handle we have a next door neighbour who I've never liked as she's a gossip but my mothers friends with her. Last week I was out for just over an hr before I left mum was settled I came home just over an hr later and she had had a panic attack shouting for help the neighbor had a go at me for leaving her alone. Now she comes round every few days asks mum if there's anything she needs saying she will get it making it it seem like she's calling the shots and I'm expected to be with her 24 7 last night neighbour was in my mother had cut her arm she had been wandering around at night in her room which she sometimes does and managed to cut her arm neighbour asked how she got it mum didn't answer as she's confused I said she must of hurt herself during night when she got up I then went to get mum a fresh blanket as soon as I left room I heard neighbour ask mum who did that to you? When I came back with blanket there were questions asked about rings my mum used to wear I told her they kept coming off due to her losing weight then mum because she's confused has been saying for last few days that this isn't her home she wants to go home she started going on like this when neighbour was in this convinced neighbour that somebody was trying to take the house off her and wanted to know where the title deeds were its become obvious that this friend sits back does nothing happy to let me do it all yet all she can do is stir I don't know how to handle her any suggestions would be appreciated

You must contact social services.

Contact social services and her GP.

Be blunt "she is confused and making accusations and her friend/neighbour is accusing me of abuse/neglect so I'm leaving and not doing this anymore"

I'm sure she has dementia. This is classic stuff what she is saying and doing. She really needs to be assessed.
She probably isn't safe to be left alone from the sounds of it if she gets anxious and has injured herself but that doesn't mean you have to be there 24-7. It means she needs care.
I don't 100% condemn the neighbour for asking the question about the injury. Some people do abuse elderly folk that they care for especially when they are burnt out and stressed. She wasn't wrong to ask the question but she should take it as a sign that you and your mum need professional help. It must be obvious to her that her friend is confused if she's known her for years. Why don't you turn it round on the neighbour, tell her it's hard to cope and ask her to help you get mum the help she needs?
If she did report you to social care paradoxically it might be a good thing because there would be a safeguarding investigation and then you would get help.

Please ask the GP and social care for help again
Say she is not safe to be alone, gets distressed, wanders about and has hurt herself. Say you cannot go on and you are going to leave.
Ask for a dementia assessment and a care needs assessment.
I know it's hard when you've had knock backs but please try again for both your sakes.

Covoid my mother has fell on a regular basis because of her illness because of that and the fact she's elderly she gets hurt easily and it wasn't just the cut there was issues about house because was rambling about not being in her own home the neighbour got it into her head that somebody was trying to take her house off her and asked where the title deeds were then she suspiciously asked where my mothers rings were as she wasn't wearing them I said the were somewhere safe as they kept coming off due to her losing weight the neighbour knows our situation claims to be a friend but all I get is an attitude from her of suspicion and neglect but the neighbour does very little to help gets a few messages once every so often but I'm living with it 24 7 billion that's all very well in theory that the state expects families to look after they're after they're loved ones but all to often the burden is put on one family member that's what I meant by taken for a mug that and the fact social services have refused to refer mum to an organisation who could provide us with support eg somebody coming into sit with her for a couple of hrs a week to give me a break and the gp has refused to refuse to refer her for restbite saying she doesn't meet the criteria June she refused to go into hospice for end of life care saying she wanted to remain at home and to the person who said most people who have c o p d have been heavy smokers my mother wasn't she was never a smoker also to the person telling me to get a job my jobs been looking after my mother 24 7 for the last several years as well as my father who had parksons he recently passed in December comments like these show how ignorant dismissive and arrogant people are

OP you sound very stressed. Please follow the advice and be robust with social services. The well-meaning neighbour’s opinion really doesn’t matter, be polite with her but keep the conversations short and don’t give her head space afterwards.

For me, everything cane to a head when my mother was found wandering and incoherent last October (late evening, wearing a thin coat). The police got involved and informed SS and things then happened (positive things). Tbh if your neighbour were to report her predicament to the authorities it may not be a bad thing - it might galvanise them into doing something.

I think that the PP who mentioned the job was thinking of your social and financial wellbeing. These things are important. You are important.

@Justarandomusername please contact her GP today. Explain that her situation has deteoriated and she is increasingly confused - not knowing where she is.

It sounds very like dementia, but she could also have a water infection which can cause confusion in the elderly and needs to be treated before it gets any worse.

Also explain to the GP that YOU need help as you are utterly stressed and unable to cope with the pressure you are under.

Keep trying with social services - the situation may only get worse and it sounds like your mum needs carers or to be in a situation where she has 24/7 care and supervision.

I've been through something similar with my mum, I understand how hard it is. It helps to realise that in her confused state, your mum may no longer know what is best for her own care and unfortunately it will be down to you to organise this for her, which may go against her wishes of wanting to manage herself at home.

As reqards the neighbour - I would take her aside, explain that you are very concerned about the level of confusion and your mum's needs. Reassure her that as next of kin you have all necesssary paperwork and important possession in safe keeping. Tell her you're trying to get help from the GP and Social Services but it's not easy and takes time to organise - ask her if she would be able to sit with your mum for an hour now and again so that you can pop out for things. Try to get her onside and make use good use of her visits - her simply sitting with your mum and keeping her company for an hour could be a big benefit to you at the moment.

Take the place you've been offered and don't look back

She'll be looked after properly once you leave and all sorts will be put into place for care.

So go for it and don't feel guilty and start living your life

Whatever you are told ignore it as her care will all be dealt with once you leave for good - more so once you leave

social services have refused to refer mum to an organisation who could provide us with support ... and the gp has refused to refuse to refer her for respite saying she doesn't meet the criteria

Well yes, they will - sadly that's the way it works just so long as there's someone (ie: you) in place who's prepared to bear the load

As so many of us have said, there really is only one thing which will square this circle once and for all, and that's for you to leave and inform them she's living alone and at severe risk. Then, and only then, you'll see some action

Appalling as it is that's the reality, so the choice is yours

As reqards the neighbour - I would take her aside, explain that you are very concerned about the level of confusion and your mum's needs. Reassure her that as next of kin you have all necesssary paperwork and important possession in safe keeping. Tell her you're trying to get help from the GP and Social Services but it's not easy and takes time to organise - ask her if she would be able to sit with your mum for an hour now and again so that you can pop out for things. Try to get her onside and make use good use of her visits - her simply sitting with your mum and keeping her company for an hour could be a big benefit to you at the moment.

The neighbour seems to be more concerned about gossiping and making accusations than helping never once has she asked how I'm coping and that's the way people have been act so concerned but do very little to help happy to sit back let me do it then notice a cut or rings that are no longer on fingers and its accusations that's not a friend that's what I've said its other people that make things more difficult than they need be between neighbour social services go and family

The neighbour seems to be more concerned about gossiping and making accusations than helping

That comes as no surprise, OP, and is why I'd personally avoid any involvement with them

To these types it's all grist to their mill and anything you say will be spread far and wide for dissection, only to come back to you as "such-and-such thinks ..."

It's your decision of course, but it sounds as if they've already stuck their noses too far into what isn't their business, without being fed any further titbits

You need to have cast-iron will to make social services take over. Have a read through of this thread - in that case it was the mother of the OP's wife, the wife had sadly died and the bereaved OP was at breaking point.

You cannot "ask" for permission, or be tentative about this. You need to inform them that you WILL be moving out on X date and that your vulnerable mother will be at risk if there are not alternative plans in place by then. They will initially do everything they can to make you change your mind and continue providing 24-7 care. Only you have the power to make it stop.

Update

After district nurse who regularly comes out to check on mum for her co PD came out on Tuesday she asked how I was coping I said I wasn't said the mum was seeing things that weren't there getting confused and aggressive she spoke to social work who arranged for her to go into restbite I now feel guilt as I said shed only be in for a few days and I'd see her soon she had a lost look on her face like she didn't know what was happening 2 hrs later I got phone call telling me she has dimentia I've been telling mums gp and social worker since January she's been hallucinating becoming more aggressive confused and shutting herself this was put down to her co PD and meds yet a nurse in a care home can see after spending a couple if hrs with her she has dimentia I looked up NHS own website about dimentia she has all the classic symptoms I've advised dr and social work there was something mentally wrong with her she's been in and out of hospital on a regular basis becsuse of co pd and district nurses out seeing to her yet nobody picked up dimentia which is one of the most common illnesses the elderly can get I was brushed off neither me or mum got the help we needed now I feel I've abandeded her and feel selfish for only thinking about how its impacted me the lost look on her face just before the car drove off will remain with me

You haven't abandoned her - you've stuck with her throughout! Sadly it seems that it often takes a crisis for things to happen, but now that your Mum has been taken into care, everyone will know she has a high level of needs.

If I were you, I would take this time to get everything in order - including the new home you've been offered.

Sadly, despite doing so much for your parents, you're bound to feel guilty (we all do!!!) but you absolutely should not. You sound like a wonderful daughter.

She needs appropriate specialised full time care which you are not able to provide.

Please accept your new home and let social services find somewhere suitable for your Mum, you can visit her and be there as much as you can