Why can't I get over him?

[Jumpinginwithbothfeet]

I had a fwb for a couple of years it suited us both as neither of us wanted a full on relationship at the time but I inevitably fell for him and realised this when he mentioned wanting to look for a more serious relationship in the near future. He didn't feel the same about me and in fact treated me quite harshly when he found out how I felt and ended our friendship completely. In fact when I look back he didn’t really treat me as a friend at all for probably the last 6 months and yet I still can't get over him. I have tried moving on but he's always in the back of my mind and I'm so upset that I lost him not only for the sex but also because we had been such good friends and shared so much previously and now there's nothing at all. Why can't I just suck it up and move on?

Have a good look back at the relationship and think of examples that show he was a really good friend. I bet there are cracks.

You probably can't get over him because you invested in it and might not have admitted that to even yourself never mind him. You were maybe grieving the loss of what could have been.

If he was that good of a friend, I'm not sure he would have treated you so harshly when he found out how you felt. It sounds like you valued your friendship a lot more than he did. You deserve better.

He wasn't really a friend, was he? He just used you for sex. Sorry, but it's true. You're well out of that abusive relationship so just shake the dust from your feet.

He probably wasn't but at the time it felt like he was and made me feel like I was a good friend. I obviously did value it more than him. Its annoying because now I know he was just using me but I still can't shake the feelings.

You have discovered you are prone to attachment in such situations, which is a perfectly normal human response. Use this as a lesson to help you avoid getting into a setup like that again. If you have learned from it, then it was valuable and your suffering was not in vain.

I was in your position last year and struggled to get over my FWB when he dropped me for a proper girlfriend. I see now it was totally on his terms and he was cruel in his treatment of me. Time and space will help you heal and you will see how he wasn't for you. I get attached too and have learnt I can't do FWB, but you will get over it, it just takes time.

He wasn’t a good friend though really, was he - he pretended to be a friend because he wanted the sex. I’ve also been in a very similar situation and over time, have come to realise mine simply wasn’t a very nice person at all. In actual fact, had things have developed, it’s unlikely they would have worked out because fundamentally, he was a selfish, unreliable, dishonest and unkind man, pretending to be a decent person.

Do you think you’ve idealised him and romanticised the situation a bit? In the cold light of day, if you look at things objectively, did you really want a relationship with him? Mine also scarpered once he got bored and I think it’s our egos that take a bashing more than actually truly missing them.

These types never come off well when 5, 10 years has passed. You look back and see them for the selfish assholes that they were. What kind of horrible persin willingly leads on someone who they know has feelings and cares for them, and then skips on into the sunset and cuts you off?? A person with dark triad traits, is who ;)

Person. Not persin. Obviously!

@edwinbear everything you say is probably right. Deep down I do know that things would never have worked out between us as I can see he is selfish and lacks empathy. But I honestly did think he was a friend and it hurts that he clearly wasn't after all.

I think this is why I can't understand why it is so hard to get over him, because I should know better!

It’s the betrayal that hurts. It’s not him you can’t get over, it’s the hurt and anger of a betrayal that you’re struggling with. All I can suggest is to keep focusing on all the negatives and that you don’t miss him, you miss the man you thought he was.

I have had a similar experience although my "friend" has ghosted me numerous times over 2 years, pops back up and apologizes with all his tales of woe/how life is cruel to him, has sex, promises to changes and then disappears again breaking my heart in the process saying he doesn't want any "commitment". No friend would ever hurt someone like that. He believes he is a kind decent person and many think he is but he is a cruel narcissist. He too lacks any empathy for me and everything is about him and how people have treated him. I'm slowly waking up and smelling the coffee but all I can do is sympathize and tell you that its not you. Please don't waste your time on someone like that. Life is too short and your mental health will suffer.

@Jumpinginwithbothfeet
The exact same thing has happened to me. He said he was friends with al of his ex's and seemed to have a lot of female friends. He made it clear he wanted something casual but the relationship became more and more serious and intimate - how can feelings of love not evolve. He either got bored or knew I was getting in too deep and went quiet on me. He is now with his newly appointed office manager - think he was seeing us both. He certainly has not kept me even as a friend - like you I am hurting really bad - pictures of them loved up on social media - it is torture

@Notabunnyboiler seems we shared a FWB . The woe is me/why do bad things always happen to him/all he tries to do, is make people happy etc etc. The reason his life is a shit show, is because in reality, he treats people appallingly, but he deludes himself he's a good guy. It's quite sad when you think about it, these sorts have a completely different definition of what a decent person looks like to the rest of us.

@Notabunnyboiler
I must attract these type of men - before the last disaster relationship I was a FWB with a man for 3 years - I did not realise I was a FWB but being in my 40's and new to the dating scene just did not think men liked to take things too fast. Like you life had treated him so bad, poor relationship with his mother, his ex left him, his two sons no longer see him, I was like this emotional prop then he would go quiet and not get in touch for ages. Looking back the whole 'relationship' if you can call it that consisted of him coming over for a nice meal that I cooked and sex. He often did not even stay the night as he preferred his own bed. We built no nice memories of going out or going on holiday - 3 years wasted

@edwinbear. That is spooky. I hope we haven't! You have described mine to a T! Its all about "him". A definite theme for this type of guy. He is all about "appearances" too and keeping up "standards". Funny really because he hasn't got any standards on being nice to people. Basically he is an asshole with a drink problem - that was cathartic saying that.

@jumpinginwith both feet. That is exactly how I felt - how can you not have feelings for someone when the relationship evolves.

@Tnytears. Exactly the same as me. Poor relationship with parents, everything was ex-wife's fault (2 failed marriages - not his fault though!!!), children don't want to speak to him, blah blah blah...…...

May be we were just involved with narcissists?!

Ahhh it's the worst isn't it. You cant get over him because you fell for him, it takes time. Despite him being an arsehole towards the end, the feelings remain. It's like mental torture! Especially when you realise you meant little more than sex.

It's so harsh and fuck, I know it hurts. I'm trying to get over my AP. Identical situation to yours , FWB, except were both married. He treated me very cruelly despite knowing I had fell for him. I broke it off. Blocked him on everything possible so he CANT message me but still, he is on my mind all the time and the ache.... fuck.

I don't know why these situations are still called FRIENDS with benefits, there is very rarely a friendship foundation present.
Let's be honest they are simply about sex (physical attraction) and company, when one party goes onto find someone they want a potential relationship with they rarely stay 'friend's with the other person. Would you want your b/f g/f remaining friends with someone they only met up for casual sex with, most wouldn't.
I think, despite my disagreement over the label attached, I don't have an issue with these arrangements as long as you see them for what they are. Ime it's difficult in most cases because one half of the arrangement usually develops feelings (understandably) and then things get tricky.
I've had 2 or 3 of these over the years and I've been both the party that developed feelings as well as the other party who wanted to keep the situation as was while the other person wanted to explore a deeper level of connection. Neither sides of the coin are pleasant.

The person who doesn't want to change the status quo very usually ends up the 'bad party' when in reality they haven't done anything wrong apart from not want to change the set up. I avoid these scenarios at all costs now for that very reason.

Op I'm sorry you're upset but as previous posters have advised sometimes these situations just don't suit you. It hurts, rejection is never nice, especially when you get emotionally invested. I would just say going forward try to ensure that if an opportunity for this type of arrangement presents it's self again, enter it knowing that it's just about a stop gap, having casual sex regularly with one person and spending a bit of associated time together. Remove the friend expectations, friends don't have sex. If you can do that then there's nothing wrong with it and the scenarios can be mutually fulfilling at points in your life where you don't want a relationship.

If you don't think that's possible to do, stay single until you find someone you want to explore a relationship possibility with.

As long as you've learned through the experience it hasn't been a waste of time and will help you get over the negative feelings surrounding this example much swifter. Hope you feel better soon.

I still don't really understand what a FWB is - you meet someone - become friends, enjoy their company, get to know them and then intimacy follows - to me that is being in a relationship? - no man I have met has ever said lets just be FWB Its only when they ghost/ go quiet or say they were looking for something casual that the realisation kicks in but they rarely stay friends with you after

Mine doesn't want to be my "friend" anymore. He ignores my texts/calls and I end up looking like the one in the wrong. I know he is talking to/with other women. I have had to back off and walk away. This time I will do it and never let him back in. It hurts like hell and has ruined my self-esteem/mental health. I will never feel the same way again. I listened to his crap that everyone was out to get him/other people's fault for over 2 years. Its hard because he lives quite near me so I see him now and again. So different to when he would walk over hot coals to see me/text me! As someone rightly said in a previous post "it’s unlikely they would have worked out because fundamentally, he was a selfish, unreliable, dishonest and unkind man, pretending to be a decent person". My way of trying to forget him is by thinking of all the lies he told, broken marriages, affairs, etc, etc - so he can't be that decent! Plus he hasn't got anything nice in his life anymore and I have.

Sounds like he only wanted you for sex - not to be your friend.

Why would you want to remain friends with someone like that?

I think the mistake alot of people make (me included in the past) is mistaking a fwb for what is in fact simply a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.
Way I see it you don't have to listen to their problems, give emotional advice, take on their issues, worry about their health/mental well being with a fwb. They've got other friends for that. You meet up grab dinner or go to that show that none of your actual friends want to go to and then get the benefit of sex at the end.
All the crap and baggage, rules and constraints of an exclusive arrangement shouldn't come into it. If they want emotional support, or anything other than fun and sex then go get a relationship and have the pros as well as the cons that a relationship entails.

Well tbh, when actual relationships i.e. marriages/long term etc break up the two parties can rarely be friends, they can be amicable most times at best, particularly if children are involved so there is no reason to have an expectation that a FWB would result in genuinely being friends after it's ended. The FWB relationship has fulfilled it's purpose. It's a stop gap between of before real emotional connection with another person.

If you really respected each other and cared for each other mutually, it would develop into more but 9 times out of 10 it's going to run out of steam.

You say this guy is selfish and lacks empathy - like it or not, you chose him for these exact qualities subconsciously when you chose a FWB- because you weren't looking for a partner, you were looking for someone you could stay partially emotionally removed from and nobody fits that better than someone who is emotionally unavailable.