Why can't I get over him?

[Jumpinginwithbothfeet]

I had a fwb for a couple of years it suited us both as neither of us wanted a full on relationship at the time but I inevitably fell for him and realised this when he mentioned wanting to look for a more serious relationship in the near future. He didn't feel the same about me and in fact treated me quite harshly when he found out how I felt and ended our friendship completely. In fact when I look back he didn’t really treat me as a friend at all for probably the last 6 months and yet I still can't get over him. I have tried moving on but he's always in the back of my mind and I'm so upset that I lost him not only for the sex but also because we had been such good friends and shared so much previously and now there's nothing at all. Why can't I just suck it up and move on?

@Notabunnyboiler
ruined my self-esteem/mental health. I will never feel the same way again.
This is where I am at - I feel horrid and this man lives a few doors away from me in a small village. He was very intense texting/seeing me every day but also very cocky, loud, confident and had a big ego. He also used to drink up to 10 cans of larger at night - maybe more so I don't miss that at all

@ALittleBitConfused1

I don't know why these situations are still called FRIENDS with benefits, there is very rarely a friendship foundation present.

Halleluia. The term needs to be seen for what it isn't!

Seems like a lot of people have been in the same situation. I did class him as a friend as we did support each other with things too it wasn't just sex. I think it hurts most that he was willing to have sex with me until he found someone he deemed worthy of having a relationship with and for whatever reason that isn't me and I dont know why.
I need to remove him from social media too because I find myself checking on him but I can't bring myself to! I feel a bit pathetic really I need to man up!!

Surely this is what fwb and fuck buddies are about? No strings. No emotional attachment.

OP, I don't think you need to feel bad about the 'relationship' at all. You both wanted sex and got it. You developed feelings for him and told him, which is honest and straightforward. It wasn't what he was looking for with you, and he made that clear, which is honest but not tactful.

He was willing to have sex with you because he found you attractive. He wouldn't have bothered, otherwise.

Stop feeling that he didn't want you due to some failing of yours - it was about him, not you.

What did he represent to you? If you can't get over a FWB situation with someone who was nasty to you then it can't be his love that you miss. What did he make you feel that you're hooking on him?

I'm going through this now. We were 'together' for two years, he said he'd wait for me (I'm the process of wanting to separate but still no further forward, so it's been wrong to do this from the start anyway, I know) but now he's found someone to have a real relationship with. I don't blame him at all, and I sincerely want him to be happy. But my god, the pain. I've had quite a few traumatic events in my life but this is the worst pain I've ever felt. I'm sitting here at work trying to hold back the tears and supress palpitations. I'm not sure it was a FWB situation, it was so much more than sex, he wanted us to be together but I left it too long and he's had to get on with his life, understandably. He told me this four weeks ago. Like you @Jumpinginwithbothfeet I'm trying to think rationally about it. I can't do anything with anyone til I am free, and at the moment I'm not. DH knows how I feel, but is managing to keep me where I am with his anxiety issues. I feel stuck. And I feel so resentful towards him for stopping me being able to have a future with this man, when he doesn't even want me himself. Clearly, I could be deluding myself that this would ever happen, but it doesn't stop the pain. It will take time, OP

@ALittleBitConfused1
All the crap and baggage, rules and constraints of an exclusive arrangement shouldn't come into it. If they want emotional support, or anything other than fun and sex then go get a relationship and have the pros as well as the cons that a relationship entails

you are right - the FWB I have just been 'defriended' from is now with a ton of baggage - the lady he is now with has left her husband for him - (married for 12 years) with an 8 year old son and a teenager from another relationship. A messy and emotional divorce - selling the house and contact to deal with. The 'FWB' was immature and selfish and never wanted any 'drama' well he will have buckets of it now and may look back and wish he was back in the fun/no commitment arrangement we had ?

@19Bears I'm sorry you're in this situation. I hope you find the courage to leave your husband if he is making you so unhappy. Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and hope for the best. Hopefully when you do in time you can move on with someone who does bring you happiness.

I know realistically that I will move on and be ok. To be honest I dont know why I'm so hung up on my FWB. I think he just provided a little bit of happiness that I needed to break down the monotony of work and single parent life - it was exciting and nice to feel wanted.

@Jumpinginwithbothfeet This is exactly it. For the first time in years I was given attention, really felt wanted, and felt like a woman (horrible cliche, I know) and now it's all gone I feel absolutely empty. All my confidence is gone. Also, I felt a massive sense of relaxation and relief when I was with him, like a break from everything else, and time for someone to look after me. He bought me grapes when I had a cold, he would warm my coat by the fire if it was raining, he asked (and really listened) about my mum. All of this I miss so much. I just hate thinking of him doing this for someone else now, it's killing me
But I know I need to move on from it, and that I will.

Being a single mum can be liberating but also very lonely. To have an adult conversation, attention and to be flattered is amazing. I am struggling too as working from home, limited friends - most are married and busy and the guy I was with saw me everyday through lock down and now I am sat on my own - working in my bedroom and over thinking. The betrayal and thoughts he is with someone else - investing time in her and her children is so painful

I've never known pain like it, @Tnytears To think of all the special moments he's now sharing with someone else. I feel like I've imagined the whole thing. And I have to admit I've become a bit obsessional, and it's driving me crazy. I do not want to be this person, but I drive past his house and try to see if she's there. I feel my heart sink when I see her, and I feel relief if I don't, or if her car isn't there, hoping they've broken up. It's damaging me as a person, and I don't know how to stop it

@19Bears
I am the same become very obsessed - check if his car is gone over night - which it is most nights - then I can not sleep at the thought of them - she has an open face book so can see when they have been out for lunch/ away at the weekend
It does seem as though it was all a dream - I have had to re read all of the text messages and they were so intense - so attentive and loving. We both know this is not healthy for our mental well being - I hate the person he has made me - I try think so what if his car is not there it is not like he is going to ever text or call me again. I just wish there was some distance between us as it would make it more bearable to see him and her all of the time - I am even considering selling the house and moving away!

@19Bears I think maybe you need to block all contact and delete all numbers/messages and make an effort to try not to see him. Same as my social media stalking!! The more you keep looking the harder it will be. We both need to concentrate on being happy with ourselves it is hard and so far I've had good days and bad days. I read something the other day which said why waste your life sat crying over someone who is happy living their life not giving you a second thought - and they were right. It does hurt and I do miss him so much but I'm determined to do better and be better for me x

@@19Bears

That said it did make me feel a bit better when I found out he was with someone else as he just went quiet - I was driving myself mad as to why he had gone quiet - I had to do a lot of digging on social media as he was a coward and just let things go quiet for me and my teenage daughter who he also built up a relationship with. When I drive past or my daughter passes him in the street he ignores us or turns the other way !? Hurtful and childish

@Jumpinginwithbothfeet
He used you for sex. So called "FWB" arrangements mainly provide the "benefit" for men as they don't get the same hormone induced bonding effect caused by oxytocin. It's just a way for them to use women for easy and convenient sex, and over time they generally lose respect for the woman because they just see you as a sex object, hence his behaviour.

Biologically, sex is meant to bond two people together, since children are the natural product of sex. You're actually trying to go against nature with all these FWB arrangements. You're a woman and a person worthy of being treated with the utmost respect and dignity. Uphold your dignity and stop letting your body just be used and thrown away by men when convenient.