Husband can't emotionally support me (potential ASD)

[forbforw]

Without wanting to be too 'outing' the context for this is that my father has become suddenly extremely unwell in a similar way to you might expect with something like quick onset alzheimers. At one point we thought he would die, now that looks unlikely but he is very changed as a person and you can't really communicate properly with him.

This has been very traumatic for both myself and my husband. We have been together since we were late teens and my husband lost his father at a young age and in many ways my father was a surrogate father to him and they were extremely close. We also have very young children and we are both devastated that in effect they won't have that 'grandfather' relationship with him. My husband has always suffered with low key bad mental health and this has tipped him over the edge and he has been prescribed anti-depressants though not started taking them yet.

But as well as dealing with this, we are also having issues with enormous amounts of conflict in our relationship as my husband has been very clear that he is unable to 'emotionally support' me through this, although he has been enormously supportive practically with all sorts of issues related to my father.

A few examples:

• twice when I was crying one night in bed and unable to get to sleep and asked for a hug he refused as it would interrupt his routine for going to sleep (this only happened twice because then I gave up on asking)
• at the beginning when we thought my father might die I had a bit of a breakdown when going to sleep one night, potentially a panic attack (eg hyperventillating etc) and said I didn't want to live anymore he half heartedly stroked my head but said that he 'didn't have the capacity to emotionally deal with this' and couldn't engage with me so instead tried to get me to talk to the Samaritans rather than talking to him
• yesterday evening before I went to visit my father (always quite a distressing experience) I said to my husband that I was feeling a bit sad that I felt like I didn't really have a father anymore. He just sat in silence as he said he couldn't think of the right thing to say

The psychiatrist that prescribed him the antidepressants said he thinks my husband should be assessed for Autism. This wasn't a complete shock to us, as there have always been little signs of this over the years but generally if you met my husband you wouldn't think this unless you lived with him! I feel a bit like my husband has taken this as carte blanche to be able to disengage from helping me emotionally. He now just says that he is unable to emotionally support me because of his issues, and when I got upset yesterday that he didn't try to comfort me in anyway he just tried to make me watch a video on YouTube about people with Aspergers.

I'm sorry this is so long, I didn't want to drip feed. But I'm struggling to know where we go in our relationship now. I guess I feel I have a 'right' to emotional support from my husband and I'm really struggling with his response which is to say that he can't because of his 'condition'.

He's emotionally unavailable isn't he. Have you got girlfriends for support? Won't change your husband though obviously

Why isn't he taking his prescribed medication?

I'm sorry about your dad, OP, that is really sad.

I'm not really feeling any sympathy for your husband here, based on what you have written he does not come across well at all.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what conditions he may or may not have, what matters is whether his pattern of behaviour is something that you can accept. I personally could not accept what you describe here.

I do have a couple of great friends for emotional support but I guess I feel like I want it from him. He’s always been a bit crap with that sort of thing in the past but I’ve never really had anything that bad happen I guess and I’m fairly independent normally so haven’t really needed too much support from him. But with him basically now saying that this is just him and he can’t give me emotional support because he’s unable to it’s really making me question whether that sort of relationship is ‘acceptable’ to me. Where I just have to accept that during this current circumstance and if anything happens in the future I can’t turn to him emotionally for comfort and support even if he goes try really hard with the practical side (eg to give him credit he has spent days dealing with lots of practical issues this has thrown up for my dad and his life, hours researching the medical side of it and talking to medical professionals when I wasn’t really emotionally able to deal with it at the start etc on top of a very full on stressful job).

He is going to take the medication, we just spent a week to think about it after it was suggested and he’s now gone back to say he wants to take them so we’re waiting for the prescription to be sorted.

Hi @forbforw
Huge sympathy from someone who's been through this with their husband.
I would say though that if he has ASD, he's always had it. Somehow as a couple you managed around that until now.
This may be the point at which you realise he isn't going to change on some magical day in the future, in which case you need to decide whether the relationship you have gives you enough to outweigh what it doesn't give you.
Remember just because you can give emotional support and don't even have to be told to do so, he possibly can't .
The hard bit for you might be accepting the loss of what you thought you had or think you are entitled to.
Good luck

Just to add.
The time to make big decisions about your future is not when you're dealing with this situation with your Father. Make sure your grief about one thing isn't being expressed as anger about another.

My husband is very similar and checked out from emotional support several years ago (when my mother was dying he went through the motions of standing in a hug with me, but no emotion). It has also been suggested that he may be autistic (so may I). My difficulty is that he has been there for me emotionally in the past so it feels like he has made a choice here. It's terribly hard. My approach has been to treat supporting myself emotionally as important (mindfulness, aromatherapy, some CBT, loving my dog!) and not looking to others for it - I'm not finding this easy and like you feel that he should have some place in doing this (I try to for him, but realise he doesn't really want it from me either). I think we are both struggling with coping with work, family responsibilities (young and old family members), and community responsibilities (sounds grand but I mean doing things for people outside of our family - friends, clubs, schools).

Just wanted to say you're not the only one feeling this way, and I still hope it changes again for me. I keep trying.

As someone who is autistic (albeit a female who's been socialised as such) - I'm sorry but it's no excuse to 'check out' emotionally. It's a myth that we're unable to feel empathy etc....

A lot of what you said @Sporranrummager really resonated particularly the part about there no longer being a magical day in the future. There’s always been quite a few behaviours that I’ve really struggled to accept (eg a real stress triggered anger problem) but he’s worked quite hard over the past few years to improve that and also we’ve always sort of said ‘well when you’re not in such a stressful job, when x or y happens’ then things will improve. But if this is just who he is then things probably won’t improve in the future. And although there is so much good in the relationship, that’s a really difficult thing to accept and weigh up whether I can live with.

He does also have empathy to an extent even if his emotional intelligence is pretty low. For example a lot of his distress at the moment is about how horrific this experience must be for my dad!

Like a lot of autistics, he's honest rather than tactful. We do that.
You need to learn to hug yourself, OP. All the love we actually need is within us. Things will improve when you don't expect him to be someone he isn't.
I am from an autistic family. All of us. Most found (accidentally) autistics to marry, except me, and I'm the only one divorced. We can and do make great life partners and family members, when we accept each other as we are.

@Degustibusnonestdisputandem1

As someone who is autistic (albeit a female who's been socialised as such) - I'm sorry but it's no excuse to 'check out' emotionally. It's a myth that we're unable to feel empathy etc....

As someone who is also autistic, and female, I would say it's ridiculous to assume every autistic person is able in this situation to do what is needed. I have a lot of empathy but haven't got the skills to portray that in a supportive manner.

It doesn't help autistic people get rid of the stereotype and misunderstanding when someone who is autistic themselves comes along and generalises.

Im sorry you are going through a tough time.
I look back on my time with my ex h and realise he was unable to emotionally support me. The time I needed him to, he couldn't / wouldn't.
I lost respect for him and this led to the breakdown of our marriage. I had tried to speak to him many times but he never gave me anything back. I slept on the sofa for weeks, crying myself to sleep, hurting and his response was to shrug his shoulders or ignore me. I felt so unloved and unsupported.
I just don't think your dh knows how to support you emotionally.
It sounds like practically your dh can though. Is this a good start?
Do you have others to rely on? I thought I did, but that didn't really work out so felt so alone and often still do.

Can’t work out how to only quote a section! “ Do you have others to rely on? I thought I did, but that didn't really work out so felt so alone and often still do.” - I do have a couple of good friends but ultimately they have their own lives and families, there’s my mum but she lives far away and our relationship is a bit strained. I was very close to my dad. And I would have said my husband and I had a very close loving relationship (despite some fairly major issues alongside that). But now I feel very alone. I’m having a bit of a pity party but when I’m feeling really down I sort of wallow in the feeling of being all alone with no one anymore that is unconditionally there for me.

I don't think you're having a pity party. It sounds like you are facing an uncomfortable but realistic truth. As adults we do struggle to be unconditionally available for each other, and I believe that we asking too much of another person to necessarily be unconditionally available for us. It's just too much pressure to put on another. Could you get some counselling perhaps to take the pressure off your marriage? I would find the constant rejection from my husband difficult to take when I felt emotionally vulnerable so think perhaps having a safe space to turn to would be helpful for you to process everything you are going through. Good luck.

My DP has ASD and he struggle with anything emotional like this. He can empathise to a degree but he doesn’t know what to do in response. What helps us is for him to support me in ways he feels able to, so actions like making me tea or a hug. But he struggles to know if/when to offer these things so I have to be very direct and ask for what I need. I ask for a hug because I am sad, he gives me one because he cares for me although he doesn’t enjoy them himself. It is hard when I am too emotionally affected to think to ask because he cannot interpret and offer the ‘expected’ response. I have decided to get my emotional interaction ‘discussion’ elsewhere, it just isn’t him. He will listen if I ask though he does not quite get it. We are work in progress. Only you know if you can tolerate emotional disconnect in a relationship. I will say there is lots of online support for those in such relationships and I find them very helpful.

He sounds like a dick. I'm autistic but I know that my DW needs a hug if she's clearly upset ffs. What a selfish arsehole. 😡

@ThisIsSimplyBeyond

He sounds like a dick. I'm autistic but I know that my DW needs a hug if she's clearly upset ffs. What a selfish arsehole. 😡

Can we stop adding to the issue of people thinking everyone with autism is the same?

You don't get to call someone a dick because your autism means you can do something that others can't.

It's depressing.

Neither is it automatic that his lack of interest in his partner is because of his (not even definite) autism. It is no less likely that he just isn't interested.

The stereotype of all people with autism being unempathetic robots is much more harmful than me basing something on my own experience.

I’ve got an autistic child and also an autistic ex husband. He found it difficult to support me emotionally. The thing that broke us though is that he didn’t try. Much like your husband his autism was an excuse to not try.
I’m teaching my son that autism may make it a lot harder for him to do some things but he still needs to try and to find different ways of doing things if needed. Just saying ‘I can’t do that, I’m autistic’ is not good enough.
If your husband is happy to offer support if you clearly explain what you need then that’s a compromise. If he won’t even try then he’s just being shit.

@ThisIsSimplyBeyond

The stereotype of all people with autism being unempathetic robots is much more harmful than me basing something on my own experience.

Neither one is any better. But calling someone names because they are not the same as you is not acceptable.

🤷🏼‍♀️ It's my opinion

Took DD for hers on 6th birthday, cried a little but no big deal. It was what she wanted

Oooops wrong thread!

@rainbowthoughts I agree with everything you have said. Sad to see these generalisations within th autistic community itself. I am autistic, as is my husband. Whilst there are lots of similarities we express ourselves very differently. We are both empathetic but I can express mine much easier. My husband has got much better in the last few years but previously he was very similar to OPs examples.
OP I understand how isolating it is when your emotional needs aren’t fulfilled. It is a very real possibility that your husband is providing the very best he can although that obviously isn’t what you need right now. I would advised focusing on your father’s situation rather than rushing into any decisions about your marriage right now. But in time, you will have to consider whether you can ever be happy with your husband as he is. Can you accept his shortfalls, or do you need a more equally supportive relationship. There’s no right or wrong in this, just what is right for you.