Husband can't emotionally support me (potential ASD)

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Without wanting to be too 'outing' the context for this is that my father has become suddenly extremely unwell in a similar way to you might expect with something like quick onset alzheimers. At one point we thought he would die, now that looks unlikely but he is very changed as a person and you can't really communicate properly with him.

This has been very traumatic for both myself and my husband. We have been together since we were late teens and my husband lost his father at a young age and in many ways my father was a surrogate father to him and they were extremely close. We also have very young children and we are both devastated that in effect they won't have that 'grandfather' relationship with him. My husband has always suffered with low key bad mental health and this has tipped him over the edge and he has been prescribed anti-depressants though not started taking them yet.

But as well as dealing with this, we are also having issues with enormous amounts of conflict in our relationship as my husband has been very clear that he is unable to 'emotionally support' me through this, although he has been enormously supportive practically with all sorts of issues related to my father.

A few examples:

• twice when I was crying one night in bed and unable to get to sleep and asked for a hug he refused as it would interrupt his routine for going to sleep (this only happened twice because then I gave up on asking)
• at the beginning when we thought my father might die I had a bit of a breakdown when going to sleep one night, potentially a panic attack (eg hyperventillating etc) and said I didn't want to live anymore he half heartedly stroked my head but said that he 'didn't have the capacity to emotionally deal with this' and couldn't engage with me so instead tried to get me to talk to the Samaritans rather than talking to him
• yesterday evening before I went to visit my father (always quite a distressing experience) I said to my husband that I was feeling a bit sad that I felt like I didn't really have a father anymore. He just sat in silence as he said he couldn't think of the right thing to say

The psychiatrist that prescribed him the antidepressants said he thinks my husband should be assessed for Autism. This wasn't a complete shock to us, as there have always been little signs of this over the years but generally if you met my husband you wouldn't think this unless you lived with him! I feel a bit like my husband has taken this as carte blanche to be able to disengage from helping me emotionally. He now just says that he is unable to emotionally support me because of his issues, and when I got upset yesterday that he didn't try to comfort me in anyway he just tried to make me watch a video on YouTube about people with Aspergers.

I'm sorry this is so long, I didn't want to drip feed. But I'm struggling to know where we go in our relationship now. I guess I feel I have a 'right' to emotional support from my husband and I'm really struggling with his response which is to say that he can't because of his 'condition'.

IMO it's a gendered issue, not an autism issue. That's all.

I'm sorry your DH is emotionally unavailable to you when you need him the most. I'm similarly going through a difficult time and, like you, feel very let down that my DH is not there for me in the way I'd hoped and expected. It's not the first time either. I haven't the energy to deal with it at the moment but it builds resentment especially when I've seen him being able to support others. It hurts.

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP, but some of what you are saying is actually quite a large emotional burden to put on your husband when it seems quite clear he is not best positioned to offer support.

When you told him you didn't want to live anymore that could be an extremely frightening thing for him to hear, and he could be very scared that he is unable to respond in the 'correct way' - he might be thinking 'What if I say the wrong thing and make her more likely to take her own life?' If he feels he is not best positioned to help you he may be very concerned about feeling responsible for you if things take a turn for the worse.

Speaking to the Samaritans probably is the best thing to do if that is what you're experiencing, as they are very well placed to give good support because of their experience and training.

I think your husband is retreating because he is fearful of the enormity of some of the things that are coming up, and worried that he can't cope with expectations he feels are coming his way.

Of course some people are better placed than others to offer a shoulder to cry on, but it sounds like this is not the person that he is unfortunately.

I wish you the very best in the difficult circumstances you're going through and hopefully there are others around you who can step in.

Has he provided emotional support in the past with major issues or is this new due to a possible pending diagnosis and depression? I think he should have started the antidepressants already IMO but anyhow if he has supported you prior then it's incredibly selfish to not now but if he's always been like this then unfortunately you gotta reevaluate your future with him and look outside your marriage for that. I'm so sorry for your father-mine is in moderate to severe Alzheimer's and just a matter of time to when we lose him

I am so sorry to hear about your father. That is something very hard to cope with without support. I am sending you a virtual hug 🤗

My DH is autistic and sometimes is fantastic at supporting me emotionally, sometimes he needs to be told what I need and sometimes he cannot do it at all, it varies. For example if I am really tired and had a hard day he will notice and look after me with cups of tea etc. If it is something less obvious and more an emotional distress he will need telling what is wrong and I may have to ask for a hug. If the situation is something that is also distressing for him then he is not really able to support me and I need to get that support elsewhere.

It could be that this is the third situation you are in now because he is very close to your father and this has re-triggered past losses and traumas for him.

An equivalent situation I had with my DH was him not being able to support me during my 2nd birth which ended in a second EMCS because he had PTSD from his mother's death 9 months previously and difficulty going back into a hospital environment. I had planned for it and had other people there to support me and him, but it still hurt even though I understood why he couldn't be there for me. I had to focus on forgiveness and acceptance which is not easy when you are already hurting.

Reach out to your wider support network, call a friend, meet someone for a hug (throw SD out of the window for a few minutes) or try to do something nice for you today that makes you feel good. When he is more stable in himself maybe he will be able to give you what you need.

It’s possible that he really can’t (isn’t being a dick, isn’t opting out), and routine isn’t just pedantry for autistics (all we do depends on it). However, it’s reasonable for you to not accept that in a partner, or get support elsewhere.

one thing I learned is we are good at affective empathy (ie we ‘feel with’ people very strongly) but poor at cognitive empathy (knowing the right way to express that or what to say/do). You may need to accept he won’t be the person who intuitively knows when you need a hug or the right words. In fairness, though, I had to learn to ask ‘what do you need, do you want me to order pizza, should I just back rub and cuddle you’ to partners. Couldn’t intuit, but anyone can at least try to help.

You absolutely are entitled to emotional support from your husband. This is a big part of a marriage. Unless you really love him and he is the one, I would think about if this is how you want to spend your life. This will probably lead to a huge amount of resentment in the future as he has let you down massively when you need it the most.

I really feel for you OP. My partner is high functioning ASD. I totally understand the lack of emotional support. Thankfully I have plenty of friends who have stepped up to help me with something this week. I have accepted all that comes with ASD. He displays a ton of the other traits too which I have accepted too. However, I have come to realise that this is not the relationship for me as my needs are not being met by my intimate partner. It does not make him a bad partner just not the partner for me but I am sure many other ladies will love him as a great partner. Try not to judge your husband or make announcements of ASD without a proper diagnosis. He maybe just a bloke who cant display emotion and support....there are so many of them out there flailing around scared to say the right thing or do the right thing. Get support elsewhere and really focus on yourself in this difficult time. Speak to us on MN anytime if you need to.

ASD or not, it sounds like there have been other issues with him over the years.

You say it’s been traumatic for both of you then there’s a possibility he’s internalised his own upset and in dealing with that he’s overwhelmed and needs his routines so isn’t able to deal with yours. Now that may or may not be happening in your DH’s case but I know it does happen, I’ve seen it in my DS who has ASD.

However, it’s utter shite for you because you need that emotional support. I’d say find it elsewhere in the short term then in the longer term talk to each other about it and make your decisions on whether you’re compatible then.

Don't stay. I stayed with a husband like this as we got on well socially but he wasn't able to emotionally support me. I thought that was ok as
had my friends for emotionally support. But the relationship could not survive. If someone cannot support you emotionally then they can't really see you as a person. They can never really know you. And a relationship can't survive that.
Relationships thrive or die on how well you do when things are going badly, not on how well you get on when things are well.

Sorry to be blunt but based on my life I would say give up on this. Its not worth all the pain thats to come from being with a man like this.

@DoingItMyself

Like a lot of autistics, he's honest rather than tactful. We do that. You need to learn to hug yourself, OP. All the love we actually need is within us. Things will improve when you don't expect him to be someone he isn't. I am from an autistic family. All of us. Most found (accidentally) autistics to marry, except me, and I'm the only one divorced. We can and do make great life partners and family members, when we accept each other as we are.

@DoingItMyself No, sorry, it won't necessarily. The OP has different emotional needs. Things will not necessarily improve when she accepts him for who she is. Her needs aren't just going to go away with that acceptance.

Some needs can only be addressed by and with another person. Part of the reason why people want relationships is because of the intimacy and emotional support and understand that should come with them. That's why some people need to see therapists - they want to be heard and understood by another human being, otherwise we might as well form relationships with a wall.

She needs emotional support and understanding from an intimate partner. It's like an otter or a duck living without water their whole lives. They can live without it in captivity, yes, but that's because they've been forced to live without it.

Who *he is

You have my upmost sympathy
I have a similar DH

He is just missing a piece of emotional wiring, and also does the head in the sand/silent thing when something difficult comes up

He also says it’s because he doesn’t know what to say so ‘shuts down’

I also suspect ASD but realistically know a diagnosis won’t change anything.

He has had some therapy but tbh it’s made things worse because he now just intellectualises it but still does nothing about it

So instead of just silence, I get a short speech a few days later about him not being in touch with his emotions and finding it hard to connect with feelings but obviously not doing anything more about it than that

A better therapist might be able to help your DH though?

@EarthSight
Ah, the one who knows everything. Thank you for your input. If only I had some insight or experience, I might be like you.
Or not.

@doingitmyself

Is that how you put everyone down disagrees with you?

@EarthSight - are you desperate for attention?

@DoingItMyself Oh dear....yes....I can see that it is. You come out with insults and accusations when someone says something you don't like in an attempt to silence them.

You need to learn to hug yourself, OP. All the love we actually need is within us

Oh FFS.

You might be autistic, but I'm sorry, you don't get a pass on this bollocks @DoingItMyself

I guess I feel I have a 'right' to emotional support from my husband and I'm really struggling with his response which is to say that he can't because of his 'condition'.

Your H hasn’t suddenly become autistic, he’s always been this way. He’s at a disadvantage to people being diagnosed as children because he’s never known that there’s a name for how he emotionally relates to people and therefore hasn’t had the opportunities to learn how to. I can understand your disappointment and frustration but what have you leaned about autism since it was suggested that H might be on the spectrum?

I’m sorry your going through this but his autism isn’t an excuse but an explanation. He hasn’t changed, your expectation of him has because of what’s currently happening to your father. You’re grieving and he is too, just because he feels things differently doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings.

I’m partially sighted, always have been but I don’t wear glasses, don’t need a stick etc. Which means people either forget, no I can’t see the the tiny text on the projector or totally overcompensate, grabbing my arm to ‘prevent’ me from being supposedly run over. I can not tell you the number of times where I have had explain that I can’t read the board in a train station or airport and have been met with impatience or annoyance. The point of this ramble isn’t my visual impairment but dealing with the sometimes gulf, between peoples expectations and my visual capabilities.

Thats really sad OP. I wonder if there was somebody who could talk him.through ways of emotionally supporting someone. It sounds like he wants to but hasnt got a clue how, and its not like he couldnt learn to ask you if you need a hug, someone to listen, or practical help.
People can get better at this stuff even if they have social communication challenges.