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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He said it 20 years ago, but it still hurts!

50 replies

Fieldofbarley · 23/04/2021 02:27

About 20 years ago, during a row, my husband said to me "I feel like killing you!"
He ran after me through the house and pushed me in the kitchen. A short while after he punched his fist through a glass oven door and smashed it.
He has never really hit me but he has done lots of shouting, swearing and wall punching type behaviours.
He has an explosive temper which has improved a little over the years.
He still swears and gets very angry easily.
The last few years have been difficult and this past incident has reared it's ugly head.
I'm questioning it and wondering what was I thinking to forgive and move on?!
He says I'm wrong to bring up stuff from the past and he said sorry.
I feel unable to het past this and other things .
Maybe I was so busy with young children and hoping he would change?
But now I can't get over all the things that have happened.
He is so frustrated by my attitude and says I'm holding is back.
I seriously want to separate now.
He is making an effort and can be kind but he still has moods and anger at times.
Am I wrong, as he puts it, to keep referring to the past?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2021 02:41

You are not wrong and you should have left him 20 years ago. He is an abusive, violent, gaslighting bully. It's tragic your children had to grow up witnessing this. Get a solicitor and leave him.

Sakurami · 23/04/2021 03:03

No, you're not wrong. I bet you have also spent most of your relationship walking on eggshells careful not to flame his temper.

Understandable that you tried to forgive and continue with the relationship because you had young children. You are also a victim of physical and emotional abuse. But staying wasn't the right decision. And you can leave now. And what he thinks shouldn't influence your decision. He is wrong and he isn't acknowledging it. Just because he is better than he was, doesn't make up for the way that he was in the past or is being now.

The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 23/04/2021 05:11

No one needs to live like that.

RachelRavenR0th · 23/04/2021 05:16

It isn't the past thought is it? He is still an angry abusive man and you are right to be concerned. Youve seen what he is capable of. Twenty years worried about when your partner will eventually snap and kill you is a wasted life.

Youve wasted twenty years thinking he will change. That’s enough. What has he actualy done in twenty years to shoe you he wants to change?!!

Comtesse · 23/04/2021 06:31

He sounds awful then and not much better now. He does not get to decide what you feel - if you want out, he cannot stop you.

Motnight · 23/04/2021 06:33

I think that your relationship died 20 years ok. Good luck with what you decide to do next

beginningoftheend · 23/04/2021 06:33

You can leave anytime, the fact you didn't leave before doesn't mean you can't leave now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2021 06:36

What you have described is further domestic violence from him. He is still very much showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

It’s never too late to leave and I do not think you would want your children as adults to be in such a relationship either.

Shoxfordian · 23/04/2021 06:39

It’s ongoing domestic abuse so of course it still affects you

Can you speak to women’s aid for some advice?

DianaT1969 · 23/04/2021 06:51

Is it that you are financially in a position to leave now? That's probably the catalyst to realising that his temper was never acceptable.
You don't have to give him reasons. Just sat it isn't working for you.

DoingItMyself · 23/04/2021 07:16

With trauma, we sometimes lock the incident away in our minds, until we feel safe to address it.

You've reached 'safe' in your mind. Sounds like you're ready to find 'safe' in real life.

GelfBride · 23/04/2021 07:44

You can leave for any reason you damn well like! Stop listening to him in any way. No person can tell you how to feel. Your feelings are yours alone.

In your shoes I wouldn't want to go into old age with him. You life could be a bed of roses, not this crock of shit.

He's lucky you stuck around as long as your did. Get out. There's a whole world out there. You will blossom.

harknesswitch · 23/04/2021 07:55

YANBU. Chances are you have some form of ptsd due to his behaviour. In hind sight you should have left 20 years ago. You don't need a reason to leave him , just do it.

updownroundandround · 23/04/2021 07:55

@Fieldofbarley

You are not holding back, if anything, you're only now beginning to actually 'process' what he said and what it means to you.

Of course he's trying to get you to 'forget' about 'the past', but it's just his past actions/words that he wants you to 'forget', isn't it ?

It doesn't matter how long ago the incident happened. All that matters is that you are still affected by it !

Ignore what he says/thinks/feels, this is about you and how you think/feel about your life, both past and present.

If you want to leave him, then leave him. It really is that simple. (I'm not saying it's easy, but it is simple)

Make plans for what you want to happen, regardless of what anyone else thinks/feels/says.

EarthSight · 23/04/2021 08:21

He has an explosive temper which has improved a little over the years

He is making an effort and can be kind but he still has moods and anger at times

First you tell us who he is, then it almost sounds like you're starting to minimise it.

This effort isn't who he really is. He has to try to be that way, and so it's a liability. I can bet you that once he thinks you're going to stay that effort will stop, because it's hard work keeping it up. Then something will happen and you'll be in this cycle again. It's not who he naturally is. It's fake, unfortunately.

It's important that in the coming years you feel safe. Do you want to retire with him? Do you see yourself feeling safe, comfortable and enjoying life with him? What would you feel like if you got sick and suddenly became very physically vulnerable and dependent on him? How do you think he would cope with the stress and frustration of that? Where and on who do you think that frustration would go?

Original poster

Fieldofbarley · 23/04/2021 09:22

I wish I could answer you all individually.
Thank you for taking the time to give me advice.
So much of what you say really speaks to me and I have re-read your comments again several times.

OP posts:

fourquenelles · 23/04/2021 09:29

I seriously want to separate now.

I know it can be hard to get your head around the fact that you don't need his permission or agreement to separate. Leaving does not have to be a joint decision. He can (and will) argue as much as he likes but if you seriously want to separate then put plans in place to do so safetly (with Women's Aid help if necessary). Good luck.

Thehawki · 23/04/2021 09:39

You can leave him OP. You will get through it and come out happier, and not have to walk on eggshells on the other side. You don’t need his permission to leave, you’re stronger than you think.

You will have so much peace in your life when you start putting yourself first. He’s never going to give you permission to do that, but you don’t need it. You already know what you want, so now is the time to ring up a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

cushioncovers · 23/04/2021 09:52

You and your children have experienced 20 years of abuse where you have learnt to tread on eggshells and read his moods then adjust your behaviour to fit around it. Even if you don't realise that's what you've done your children will be experts in doing this. You deserve better than this and you have a right to be free of this behaviour.

Luckingfovely · 23/04/2021 09:55

I really like @fourquenelles point about not needing to ask permission.

This is your life, and your life alone, and you don't owe him anything. You can do this, you can leave and find a much happier, stabler, calmer life.

I wish you luck.

billy1966 · 23/04/2021 10:56

@Aquamarine1029

You are not wrong and you should have left him 20 years ago. He is an abusive, violent, gaslighting bully. It's tragic your children had to grow up witnessing this. Get a solicitor and leave him.

This.

Call Women's Aid for advice and support.

You poor woman.

Don't waste any more time with this awful abusive man.

What a stressful life you and your poor child have had.

Your children must be so damaged from such a home.

Show them by your example that their childhood was not right.

ChristmasFluff · 23/04/2021 11:20

Just echoing all the above. This is domestic violence.

Original poster

Fieldofbarley · 23/04/2021 17:07

What do I say to him when he says "why are you bringing up stuff from the past? We've had good times since then and what good does this do now?"
I'm from a religious background and he talks about forgiveness.
I often feel conflicted and guilty and doubt and question everything.
I want to be me again and I want to feel free.

OP posts:

Rainbowshine · 23/04/2021 17:12

Please speak to Women’s Aid, or similar. They will help you to plan how to leave the relationship as safely as you can. I’m so glad that you posted here, you’ll have some great support from others.

jannyapple · 23/04/2021 17:40

@Fieldofbarley
You can say .. your an arse and I deserve better
You owe him no explanation or justification
Best of luck to you

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