He said it 20 years ago, but it still hurts!

[Fieldofbarley]

About 20 years ago, during a row, my husband said to me "I feel like killing you!"
He ran after me through the house and pushed me in the kitchen. A short while after he punched his fist through a glass oven door and smashed it.
He has never really hit me but he has done lots of shouting, swearing and wall punching type behaviours.
He has an explosive temper which has improved a little over the years.
He still swears and gets very angry easily.
The last few years have been difficult and this past incident has reared it's ugly head.
I'm questioning it and wondering what was I thinking to forgive and move on?!
He says I'm wrong to bring up stuff from the past and he said sorry.
I feel unable to het past this and other things .
Maybe I was so busy with young children and hoping he would change?
But now I can't get over all the things that have happened.
He is so frustrated by my attitude and says I'm holding is back.
I seriously want to separate now.
He is making an effort and can be kind but he still has moods and anger at times.
Am I wrong, as he puts it, to keep referring to the past?

Do not listen to a man who has told you he wants to kill you and has been a terrorist in the home.

Forgiveness my arse.

Let him ask his children to forgive him for their violent, angry childhood.

You do not owe him your life and your peace.

Religion is not about offering yourself up to be abused.

Please contact Women's Aid for support and guidance with how you are feeling.

Keep posting.

A relationship is only working when both parties are happy. In your situation he is the only one happy, you deserve to be happy and feel safe too. It doesn’t matter how long ago the incident was, the truth is that he is still the same angry man. You still have to negotiate your way through his moods and anticipate his flash points for a peaceful life.

The upshot of that is that he is perfectly happy as you meet his needs, you on the other hand are permanently on alert monitoring his moods, putting his needs above yours for the hope of a quiet life that is conflict free.

I am religious too, and I believe in a compassionate, kind God. Yes forgiveness is a huge concept in faith, I suggest in this instance you need to forgive yourself for staying for the last 20 years with a man who doesn’t value you. Find that inner strength to move onwards to a more peaceful life where you are able to be you.

The things you say have all the tell tale signs of abusive and controlling relationship. You deserve a medal for the 20 years you have lived through. I think you know the answer already, be strong and take the step.

Thank you to everyone

If you're religious,tell him asking for forgiveness doesn't count unless you repent and change your behavior, which he clearly shown he has no intention of doing cause he's not the Apostle Paul on his way to Damascus.

He says he loves me and wants to stay together.
But he often says stuff about me under his breath as he walks off.
My son sometimes hears him and tells me what he's said. The other day it was "go and f yourself" and yday it was "b..itch." (and I heard him this time).
He will sometimes apologise after but usually say it was my fault because I mentioned such and such.
When I say I heard him he says I shouldn't have been listening.
He has called me a bully in the past! I hardly ever use that word and if anything he is the bully!
He can't take any criticism and takes things the wrong way.
A question or comment from me can quickly lead to an argument.
He doesn't make good eye contact and he usually disagrees with everything I say.
He can challenge every point as though he's a top lawer and I usually give up and feel exhausted.
And when I ask him to do something he nearly always says no!
Or not right now. Or tells me all the reasons why he / we can't do something.
I'm a people pleaser and i hardly ever say no!
I'm convinced it's some kind of power thing with him.
He has been in fights in the past when younger and I'm always a bit scared he could lose it one day..he has shown that to me at times and I don't like it at all.
He argued with a neighbour and on the edge of fighting and I panic and after we had a big row. I said said "why did you do that?" And he went mad and said "what do you expect me to do?!" and then tells me I'm not loyal.
So this is how it is and how it has been for such a long time.

The things you say have all the tell tale signs of abusive and controlling relationship. You deserve a medal for the 20 years you have lived through. I think you know the answer already, be strong and take the step.

^I agree with this. You know that you have to take that step to get away from this man. It will be scary, but you can do it. You deserve so much better, a life without walking on eggshells.

I'm from a religious background and he talks about forgiveness.

Yeah, well, how convenient.

If someone hasn't changed deep down, if there is even a small question mark over your safety, if you're just waiting for the next thing to trigger him off, then it's not just about forgiveness - it's about choosing to live or not to live with the person as they are in the present, who they really are. Also, yes, forgiveness is something that probably key to a very long marriage but one also be prepared to take responsibility to one's actions. I'm afraid if you act in a threatening way then it's bound to make someone else feel frightened or that you have a screw loose.

I don't feel like myself anymore.
I'm on antidepressants and still cry most days.

OP - honestly it doesn’t matter if you didn’t leave in the past. You can leave now. You can end a relationship for any reason.

If you’re unhappy you are unhappy and you deserve to have happiness - not to be crying most days and depressed.

I know it’s easier said than done but get out - there is more to life than this. You need to put yourself first

“I want to be me again and I want to feel free.”

You can, you don’t need his permission. You’re an adult and can decide for yourself what is best for you and your dc. Stop talking to him about it as he obviously doesn’t care about you or your feelings. He’s abusive and horrible. He doesn’t own you and can’t decide for you. Speak to women’s aid and a solicitor and start working out the practicalities of leaving.

Be careful though as these type of men ramp up abusive behaviour if they think you’re planning to escape. Call the police if you feel threatened.

You don’t even need to give a reason - he hasn’t changed- you are entitled to be happy and if you want to leave-then leave- he doesn’t deserve forgiveness

I was taught don’t say sorry unless you mean it and saying sorry means you won’t do it again.He doesn’t mean it .Leave and get yourself a better life!

Op you can leave someone at any time, for any reason. The simple fact you want to is enough. You do not have to justify it. Ask if it’s ok. Feel guilt. He is not entitled to a relationship with you against your will. Simply say I’m no longer happy and walk.

You only get one life, living it miserable, crying and on medication to make someone else happy is not a good decision.

This sounds identical to my childhood. My Dad never hit my Mum, but was constantly flying into a rage, punching doors or throwing things. Also threatening to harm her, like saying he would throw her through the window if she didn't do X/Y/Z. He also drank way too much, which seemed to fuel the fire.

I'm 51 now, and still remember it like it was yesterday. She never did leave him, and I wished that she would have done. He became much mellower with age, but carried on drinking and became a really boring partner for her as they aged (falling asleep all the time due to too much drink).

She spent her later years cooped up in the house with him, really bored. She died last year, and my Dad is now in a retirement village. He's still drinking every night. We speak daily, and I do his weekly Asda shop for him on-line, as he's not very mobile now. Our daily chats are pleasant, but I do STILL feel some resentment. I feel that he's bloody lucky that his kids stuck by him, and now rally around him in his old age, because what he put us through as kids was pretty bad.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that your kids will be the victims in this as well. And also, don't grow old with this man. I know my Mum could have carved out a happy little life for herself, if she had only left my Dad. I guess it wasn't really the done thing so much then, but it's 2021 now, and completely acceptable for you to walk away if that's what you want, and you can afford to.

Talk to your gp about increasing your AD dosage perhaps it's not the right dose. Honestly op you have to take a deep breath, draw on all your strength and take a first step forward.

Forgiveness is only given if the person shows remorse .He still abuses you so obviously shows no guilt about what he’s done .If he truly recognised his guilt ,he would want to change and do anger management to make his family’s life easier

You shouldn't be on antidepressants to help you cope with an intolerable situation. Remove yourself from the situation and I imagine you will no longer feel depressed.

What do I say to him when he says "why are you bringing up stuff from the past? We've had good times since then and what good does this do now?"
I would stop being so open with him. That is one of the many regrets I have with my own behaviour in my abusive relationship. I was open and honest and he used it against me, sometimes storing the information for years. We had good times too, they are what keeps you holding on, hoping that 'this is it, they've changed'. But they don't.

He has called me a bully in the past! I hardly ever use that word and if anything he is the bully! - projection - they accuse you of doing the things they are doing to you.

He sounds very like my ex (they all think they're so special but really they are all the same) - couldn't take criticism (mine could perceive anything as criticism if he was in that frame of mind), everything was my fault, never took responsibility for anything, also did the muttering thing, also left me feeling exhausted. It is exhausting living with an abuser.

I want to be me again and I want to feel free.
You can. With the right help - Women's Aid - and support you will get there. It is SO worth it.

You will probably find your mental health improves greatly once you are out of the relationship. Does your GP know you're being abused? If not it would be a good idea to tell them, they should be able to help you get the right support and it won't do any harm to have it on record.

It's a lot to take in, the answers when you start a thread like this. Take you time to let it sink in and have a think about your next step. Be careful that you don't let your husband see any change in your behaviour. When they feel you start to separate mentally from them they can either start being super nice (it won't last) or ramp up their abuse.

I'm sorry you're going through this, please keep posting. Many of us have been there so have an understanding of what you're going through

Just wanted to add also, that my sister has turned out to be very similar to my Dad. No threats, but very explosive and blows up at the slightest things. Ruins most get togethers. It is so bad, I have had to go NC.

Make an appointment with your GP and tell her everything. You need help to get away from this man. He is damaging your children and has basically told you he will kill you one day.

You cannot ignore this.

Every single day does more damage to you and more damage to your children.

You also should contact Women’s Aid as he is dangerous.

@Fieldofbarley

He is not 'religious' at all ! Because to believe in God and in the Bible has true meaning and truth to religious people, regardless of which Faith they follow.

If he truly believed, then he would be truly aware that all that will await him at Heavens door is a burly bouncer, ready to deny him entry because of his actions in life !

He is no follower of any Faith. He is nasty, manipulative, controlling, violent and unrepentant about ALL of it !

You deserve to have a life, not this scary, unpredictable 'half life', which is spent entirely in fear and despair.

Take all the advice given by previous posters about how to make the break and actually leave him. Take your children and make a new life. One where there is no fear, and no-one has to live in fear or cry every day !(And I'm quite sure you won't need the antidepressants either !)

Make plans, and leave. (I'd also give some serious consideration to telling your family/ friends/ church exactly what has been happening under your DH's roof too, particularly if how they think of DH is important to him)

Be careful, and stay safe.

@Fieldofbarley - you are describing my old life and my STBEX. Almost word for word. 24 yrs of marriage. Been together 30.

Losing his shit over something, falling out with people, eggshells every day... and the muttering... just out of earshot about what a ‘bit*h’ I was. Just loud enough for me to hear it.

I’m surprised that someone hasn’t written ‘When someone shows you who they are...believe them’ It’s SO true.

I too, am a people pleaser, and hated hated arguing... but when I look back, he actually got a kick out of it.

He pushed me to the edge of my sanity, and I was feeling so broken. I felt that at the age I was (50s) that this set up could actually kill me. The stress was indescribable.

So, listen to the other wise MNetters.

Contact Women’s Aid
Look up The Freedom Programme
Find a solicitor.

Do NOT change your behaviour, or let on anything you’re up to. It’s quite common for them to ramp up the abuse.

Come and join me out the other side!! I’m a year out of the relationship. Divorce coming to a close... and I’m going back to the REAL ME 😁

What stood out for me is your comment “he has never really hit me but” - a healthy relationship doesn’t contain any element of a physical reaction towards a partner. Please speak to people in real life and start to make a move to live without fear.

You don't need his permission or agreement to split - you don't need to justify why you're unhappy or why it isn't working.

It shouldn't be the case that you need to be on anti-depressants to stay in the relationship.

It doesn't matter that he's not violent now - he still has rages and you're still constantly conscious of his moods. It's no way to live.

Be brave, take the leap out of the marriage. It doesn't matter what he says, he can say what the fuck he likes, his opinions or feelings are not more valid than yours. He's just a human being, not the oracle.

Stop engaging with the arguments and trying to justify or explain yourself. Opt the fuck out of it. It gets you nowhere but twisted up. Trust yourself. You're done here. Bring the shutters down.

I seriously want to separate now

You can end a relationship for any reason.
I left a long term partner because he grew a beard I didn't like and wouldn't get rid of it.

Your husband sounds horrendous and in your shoes I would absolutely leave.

Stay strong and start making plans to leave.
for you.