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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm asking him out, bad sign?

43 replies

Louvre · 22/04/2021 17:48

So I need a little insight. I haven't dated for a long time and feel a bit rusty.
I have met a great guy online. We did a socially distance walk/date and he's stayed over a few times now and been intimate.
Now that restrictions are being lifted I'd like for us to go on a 'proper' not sitting on a bench date, just food in a pub garden. Do I wait for him to suggest it or should I just ask him out? Is it a bad sign if he hasn't suggested it? Sad think I may just be over thinking it as he seems to be pretty busy.

OP posts:
ThatOtherPoster · 22/04/2021 17:51

I’d wait to see if he wanted to take me out on a proper date, personally. But everyone else here will tell you to ask him.

Is he not suggesting seeing you again at all?

Sooobooored · 22/04/2021 17:53

What’s he busy doing?

seensome · 22/04/2021 17:53

Wait until he suggests seeing you again, then you can ask if would rather go out for something to eat for a change? If he's too busy then leave it.

Original poster
Louvre · 22/04/2021 17:56

Ok, thank you for your opinions.
So I asked him for our first socially distance walk and then a week later I free for a few hours so asked him if he wanted to hang out.
I then asked him a few times.
But yeah maybe I should wait to see.

He's busy with work.

OP posts:
Howyoudoingirl · 22/04/2021 18:00

If you want something ask for it. Maybe he's waiting for you to suggest it. Seized the day & ask him. Life is to short to play games

seensome · 22/04/2021 18:01

I'd be put off by someone too busy quite honestly, if he really wants to date you, he'll find the time, I'll guess you'll find out..

Original poster
Louvre · 22/04/2021 18:08

The niggling doubt at the back of my head is that he's never asked me to his. But I don't know if I'm over thinking it and should just relax about it.

OP posts:
Maze76 · 22/04/2021 18:21

Are you one who makes first contact in the relationship? i.e. do you make the first call, send the first texts etc? If so I’d be considering just how much effort he’s putting into the relationship?

JackieTheFart · 22/04/2021 18:44

^^what Maze says, although if it’s not, what’s the problem? Just ask him if he wants to go out for a meal or something, you’d like to spend some time with him inside. IME men that don’t like being asked out are going to be weird as fuck about most things to do with women having a mind of their own!

Original poster
Louvre · 22/04/2021 18:56

I'm normally one to initiate dates/things to do/ staying in and that's absolutely fine normally, it doesn't bother me. And I know if I ask him out I'm sure he'll agree, he's always said yes so far Smile
But when does it change for both of us initiating dates. Surely it can't always be one person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louvre · 22/04/2021 18:57

@Maze76 that is my concern! The problem is I really like him and can feel myself falling for him

OP posts:
Sandra15 · 22/04/2021 19:19

I wouldn't have got intimately involved with someone that seems this casual about things.

Original poster
Louvre · 22/04/2021 19:44

Ok. Sounds like I've been too keen Sad I'm really not sure if it's just casual. We've spent whole weekends together.
He's happy to spend time together but maybe just not great at wooing a girl.

OP posts:
litterbird · 22/04/2021 20:17

"He's happy to spend time together but maybe just not great at wooing a girl."

Perhaps you need to step back so he can step forward and woo a girl.

Original poster
Louvre · 22/04/2021 21:13

Ok, thanks for your replies. This probably only confirms my anxiety, no wonder I feel stressed. I want to step back but concerned maybe he won't step up. Oh dear

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 22/04/2021 21:25

My H was like this when I first met him and he was a bit of a last minute planner. I finally explained to him that it is better to leave each other saying " let's plan something for next Wed " or whatever as opposed to a " see you soon" and that if he leaves things very last minute I felt like Plan B . He had no idea how it was coming across and this was a man in his 50s but to be fair had been in a long marriage pre divorce. A few times of him wanting to do something and I was elsewhere also helped him learn 😂

OldWomanSaysThis · 22/04/2021 21:37

If he doesn't step up, he isn't that interested. That's what you want to know. It doesn't sound like he has initiated anything so far.

Original poster
Louvre · 22/04/2021 21:41

No he hasn't initiated anything but I get in there too soon and always want to plan a date so end up asking him out rather than waiting for him.

He's been single for a while so no excuse I suppose.

When we're together it's great but when we're not I then panic and over think it .

OP posts:
OldWomanSaysThis · 22/04/2021 21:54

If you do get together, you will be planning your own birthday parties and buying your own gifts from him.

Lampan · 22/04/2021 21:59

I would say just ask him. But I also notice you’re making excuses for him; he’s busy, maybe he’s not great at wooing a girl etc.
I’ve learned that when we make excuses for people it’s often cos we know deep down that things are not how they should be. Are these actually good enough reasons for you? If they are true, do you need a relationship with someone like this?

FinallyHere · 22/04/2021 22:06

I want to step back but concerned maybe he won't step up. Oh dear

What is the worst that could happen? You find out now, or you find out when you are a lot more invested in him.

Wait and observe. I could really use my own advice, when I do it's very powerful.

Oh, and do Make sure you get to see him in his own environment. It's really useful to see what sort of person he is.

pictish · 22/04/2021 22:20

I’d be leaving the ball in his court.
I’d want to feel...wanted. I’d want him to seek me out and be keen to impress me. If he’s not doing any of that I’d not bother. He might be busy...then he’s too busy for me.

FinallyHere · 22/04/2021 22:29

I have happily taken the initiative but always let them suggest the next date. If they don't, they don't.

Thinking about it, I do this with potential romantic partners and people who might become friends.

pictish · 22/04/2021 22:34

Me too. I’m happy to initiate but will look for it to be reciprocated. If it’s not, I bail. Life is too short for relationships with people who can take or leave you.

ThatOtherPoster · 22/04/2021 22:44

So you’ve done ALL the running snd suggested ALL the dates? No wonder you’re anxious. Step back. Find out.

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