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Original poster

I'm asking him out, bad sign?

43 replies

Louvre · 22/04/2021 17:48

So I need a little insight. I haven't dated for a long time and feel a bit rusty.
I have met a great guy online. We did a socially distance walk/date and he's stayed over a few times now and been intimate.
Now that restrictions are being lifted I'd like for us to go on a 'proper' not sitting on a bench date, just food in a pub garden. Do I wait for him to suggest it or should I just ask him out? Is it a bad sign if he hasn't suggested it? Sad think I may just be over thinking it as he seems to be pretty busy.

OP posts:
icdtap · 22/04/2021 23:10

So he's had time to stay over a few times and "be intimate" but he's busy with work so no time for a proper date? Is that the jist of it?

If he was interested in a proper date he would have asked you out or mentioned it before the restrictions were lifted. But he's giving you the impression he is busy with work.

I'd leave it if it were me. It shouldn't be this hard work. You shouldn't have to be doing the asking all the time.

Sorry, but I don't think he's interested in anything serious with you.
And if he's that busy and doesn't have time for a proper date now but does have time for a shag personally I think he is too busy to develop a relationship and it would be a no from me... bin... next....

coronaway · 22/04/2021 23:19

He's just not that into you OP. I'd bin this one off and go onto the next.

Iamthewombat · 22/04/2021 23:48

Here’s a good rule of thumb for dating.

Whenever you hear the words, “you’re overthinking it”, or, worse, when you have to tell yourself that you are “overthinking things”, it’s a sign that the relationship isn’t going anywhere.

Mermaidwaves · 23/04/2021 05:29

Listen to your gut, it's telling you that you're having to do all the running which isn't a good sign. One thing I've promised myself is that in the unlikely event I ever allow myself to get involved with another man, he has to show interest in me. I've done the chasing in the past and have found that men see me as a casual sex buddy. Step right back and see if he takes the lead, if not then you know he's not that keen.

Original poster
Louvre · 23/04/2021 09:07

We are meeting tonight
My gut feeling is all fine when we're together. Just between seeing him not so great.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 23/04/2021 09:29

So it is always you asking him out? Including tonight's date?
Do you contact him much in between?
Let him do the asking the next few times (if he does). Send a couple of positive messages to show you're not ghosting him or getting bored, but don't mention the next date.

FinallyHere · 23/04/2021 09:30

Who arranged this meeting @Louvre ?

Original poster
Louvre · 23/04/2021 09:46

@FinallyHere I did on Monday evening but we'd spent the whole weekend together so I didn't really think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louvre · 23/04/2021 09:47

Yes we text In between. It's nice chat and he always replies. But yeah I can see that it's me initiating it because I haven't read given him a chance

OP posts:
ravenmum · 23/04/2021 10:03

The thing is, it's really nice, isn't it, when the other person contacts you and asks you out. Allow yourself that little pleasure! Cool off a bit and see if he steps it up in response. If he doesn't, you haven't lost anything (as he hasn't done it yet anyway); if he does, it will be nice.

crocusesandtulips · 23/04/2021 10:03

In my new relationship I'm the one suggesting when we could go on dates rather than him but that's usually because my availability is more difficult due to DC. So for example I'll say shall we have a date on Wednesday, he'll say yes and then he will organise what we're actually going to do. Therefore although I'm the one 'asking' it feels mutual because he then organises it. I usually text first but occasionally he does.

It all feels mutual though and (for the first time for me) as if there is no 'game playing' so it doesn't matter who texts first, who 'asks', how 'keen' you sound etc. It's a refreshing change tbh.

If it's like that for you then I don't think it matters who 'asks' who, but if he's letting you do all the initiation, organising, texting and doesn't seem bothered to do anything himself then that is more of an issue and it may be a good idea to perhaps suggest that he organises your next date - and then wait and see what he does.

bangheadhere40 · 23/04/2021 10:17

Leave upto him OP

ChristmasFluff · 23/04/2021 10:59

OP, this is in no way a reciprocal relationship, and if you continue like this, you will end ujp in a relationship that makes you very unhappy long-term.

You have set the tone of the relartionship now. You do the initiating. At the start of a relationhsip is when people are on best behaviour - and he already isn't stepping up to initiate. Imagine when you are married - you'll be carrying the load of initiating anything like holidays, special events like Christmas/birthdays, anniversaries, or other fun. You will never have that reassurance of his love or care that is there in a reciprocal relationship.

And he says he's busy. Even the busiest men somehow find time for a woman they are really into. He's not into you.

Stop fighting to be chosen by him. Recognise that he has blown the interview process you need to be conducting, for being your partner. Bin him off.

FinallyHere · 23/04/2021 11:25

I'd just not be the first to suggest the next date. Let him miss you and do something in order to get to meet up with you.

I would be interested to see how long it takes for him to initiate, if he does. Is it at the start of the weekend when he notices you have no plans. Is it the following g weekend. Or after his exams.

If he doesn't have even that in him, then I would listen to the message he is sending. And I would rather know that now than when I was more invested.

FinallyHere · 23/04/2021 11:26

he always replies.

I'd wait to see whether he ever texts, too

Cas112 · 23/04/2021 11:32

I bet you any money you step back and not making as much effort he will start! Usually how boys work

SandAndSea · 23/04/2021 11:38

If you do get together, you will be planning your own birthday parties and buying your own gifts from him.

^^ Wise words here. How do you fancy initiating everything for the rest of your time together? It could end up being many years of your life.

I would step back.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2021 12:05

If you want to go ask him but if generally just seems unbothered with the relationship then I wouldn't constantly chase him either

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