Is it genuinely possible to be just friends

[drivinmecrazy]

I've been happily, not so happily and very happy with my DH for almost 30 years.
Along side our relationship has been 'another man'. He's a friend to both of us during this time , my friend for longer.
Friend and I have a bond that seems separate from our marriages.
My DH accepts we have a connection (never acted upon)
DF and I were talking tonight and admitted how we felt (neither would act on it) but we've finally admitted their is a bond that our Other halves don't fulfil.

To us we've always known this.
But I want to know is if this could ever impact on our relationships. It hasn't until this point and hope it never would.
Post is a bit muddled but just wondering if anyone can relate or if I'm all alone

Only you two know really, are there secrets between you etc? Do you mean you confide in your friend instead of DH?

Not at all. Completely open but DF have a different dynamic to DH and I. No secrets and I think DH knows I feel differently about DF

I suppose that’s the only way it could impact your relationship, if you are confiding more in friend or if there are hidden aspects you wouldn’t want DH to know about and stuff like that. Sounds fine.

I think your issue is whatever you describe as “a connection” and “a bond”. That’s not generally how most people describe their friendships, regardless of sex, and implies that you’d both be open to more than friendship. And yes - that’s potentially going to impact on your relationship with your husband.

I’ve managed to have literally dozens of longstanding close friendships with both men and women without falling into bed with them - and I have an open relationship, so the option would be there if I wanted it. But I don’t. Because friends are friends. I’m not sexually attracted to them. So yes, it’s perfectly possible just to be friends.

How does your friend fulfil your where your husband doesn’t? Presumably it’s not just that you share the same sense of humour and both love the opera whereas your husband prefers cinema.

I think it’s unfair to your DH

Good question. I guess DH share a history and the mundane of family.
Me and DF share a connection that might be described as friendship but it's deeper than that.
It's been the same for 20 years so it's not gonna turn into something else.

Just wanted to hear if other had this kind of relationship

Not trying to be rude but has something changed with you and your friend that you are suddenly questioning it?

In some ways it has. He's flitted in and out of our lives and has reappeared , as he does.

One of my best friends is a man, we’ve known each other almost 20 years. We generally see each other at least once or twice a week. We’ll spend whole days together. We go on holiday together. We have a long history of shared jokes and ridiculousness. We can talk for hours about everything and nothing. There is not a chance on earth of us ever being more than friends, and there never has been. But I don’t think either of us would say we had a “bond”, or that there was anything special about our relationship apart from it being a really good, longstanding friendship, and I wouldn’t say that my friend “fulfils” me in a way my partner doesn’t. There are things I’d talk about and do with my friend which I wouldn’t DP, because DP and I don’t share all the same interests - that’s why we have friends, after all, because it’s unrealistic to expect one person to meet all our needs.

Maybe this is all semantics, and what I’m talking about above is the “connection” and “deeper than that” you’re talking about? It just seems that what you’re talking about does cross a boundary a little.

But he's a constant in my life. If someone asks about who I love I would say DH and DF (and kids obviously )

Yes its perfectly possible to just be friends, however I totally get you as I have a friend like this. For us, its a very deep connection, friendship and never acted upon but.... in another life, maybe things would be different.

Sounds like you have sexual chemistry alongside a friendship

I’m in a similar position. Married 22 years, known each other for about 30 years. DH and I were both friendly with DF independently before we knew each other.

Most of the time we socialise as couples with DF and his DW. But sometimes I just meet up with DF, with the full knowledge of my DH.

As I have got older, I’m 51 now, I have become much more aware of just how important friendships are to me. I have a few very close friends, some male and some female, who I love very much and whose friendship I really cherish. DF falls into that category. I don’t want it to be anything more because I think it would diminish the relationship. Equally, I would not be prepared to end this friendship, any more than I would be prepared to end friendships with one of my female friends. I absolutely believe it’s possible to have deep platonic relationships that do not threaten or undermine a marriage

Totally possible. I have close male friends in my life for decades, and I’m happily married. However, you seem to view your friendship as having some form of sexual charge.

The friendship definitely has some 'charge', always has.
I kind of like it that way but just been pondering if it will ever become a threat to my marriage.
I don't think it will and it's good to hear others with similar friendships.
It's complicated in equal measure to it being precious.

I love my relationship with DH but my friendship with DF equally fulfils me in completely different ways.
I know I haven't described or explained it well here. I hope I've been able to relay that it's not just a friendship with a man, have lots of those, but this is more 'charged'?

You are giving this friendship a lot of thought

Does your friend have a partner? I’ve noticed a friend of mine has these pseudo girlfriends as he is long term single. He is very close to them all and seems to have some bond that you would have with a partner, I’ve never known what to make if it. It always seems like one party wants more from an outsiders view. Not saying this is the case with all friendships like this.

I have this too. However, about 10 years into the friendship we began an emotional affair which I put a stop to after a few months. He was going through a very hard time with his girlfriend at the time and was quite young and stupid.

We didn't speak for a while after that and when we did he sincerely apologised. That was 5 years ago and we have been strictly platonic ever since. I expect us to be friends for many years to come. But a tiny bit of my guard is up now and it is just something I am wary of going forward in a way I wasnt before. However I consider him to be family and feel a kind of unconditional love for him. We consider each other platonic soul mates in a way.

So the question is: what do YOU think? Do you think there is a real risk? Or are you only thinking this way because you know that have the love of two men in different ways that some people may see as unconventional?

Don't know, would you be happy if your husband had a similar friendship and would you show him this thread tonight. Do you think he would be upset with how you think?

I think that’s a good point raised above, would you be ok with DH reading this thread?

Absolutely would be fine for DH to read this.
He does understand and tolerate our relationship.
He's actually close to DF despite knowing there are feelings there, however deeply buried.

How very torturous.

Your husband either
Doesn't care
Is a masochist
Is a cuckhold

Or maybe you are a sadist.
I don't know but it doesn't sound too respectful to me.

So where’s the point in this post? All sounds fine and dandy.

You and F share deep love, emotional intimacy, and sexual attraction. Does your H realize that you are having an emotional affair? Does F’s wife know?

Things have escalated now, as you have acted on your feelings by admitting them aloud and declaring your exclusivity that your spouses cannot touch. Nothing is “deeply buried” and a line has been crossed. You hope that your intimacy and passion for F will not impact your relationship with your H, but I think you’re fooling yourself. You’ve already been disloyal by declaring the extent of your feelings for F.

If you’re husband had such a relationship with another woman , how would you feel about that ?