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Original poster

Is it genuinely possible to be just friends

53 replies

drivinmecrazy · 21/04/2021 23:17

I've been happily, not so happily and very happy with my DH for almost 30 years.
Along side our relationship has been 'another man'. He's a friend to both of us during this time , my friend for longer.
Friend and I have a bond that seems separate from our marriages.
My DH accepts we have a connection (never acted upon)
DF and I were talking tonight and admitted how we felt (neither would act on it) but we've finally admitted their is a bond that our Other halves don't fulfil.

To us we've always known this.
But I want to know is if this could ever impact on our relationships. It hasn't until this point and hope it never would.
Post is a bit muddled but just wondering if anyone can relate or if I'm all alone

OP posts:
cheeseismydownfall · 22/04/2021 07:27

Christ, your poor DH. He gets to be 'mundane' while your friend gets to have a 'special bond' that is 'charged'. It's easy to maintain excitement when you don't have all the boring bits of marriage and family life, especially if you 'come and go'.

Obviously it's your life, and it sounds like your DH accepts the situation. But personally I would never, ever accept this level of intimacy with someone else within my marriage. Of course friends fulfill us in ways our partners don't. That's healthy and normal. But what you are describing is way beyond that. It sounds like you are enjoying the excitement of 'not crossing the line', whereas in a regular friendship the kind shouldn't even be there in the first place.

cheeseismydownfall · 22/04/2021 07:28

Line not kind

Ruminating2020 · 22/04/2021 08:08

No. The line has been crossed by declaring your feelings.

RosebushOnThePatio · 22/04/2021 08:14

Sadly, not in my experience. Which is a shame because I've had a couple of long term male friends who were really good friends. Until they wanted more than that.

Sunflower1970 · 22/04/2021 08:18

Are you sure you dont want it to turn into a relationship? I suspect that you are waiting for a signal from him?

YouAreTheStorm · 22/04/2021 08:50

I know I haven't described or explained it well here. I hope I've been able to relay that it's not just a friendship with a man, have lots of those, but this is more 'charged'?

What does that mean? If by charged, you mean a chemistry, sexual or otherwise, than you are not just friends, are you? I don't have a "charged" friendship with anyone.... I don't think! Unless I'm misunderstanding...

If he made a move, or declared undying love - how would you feel? Have you ever thought about a life with him?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/04/2021 09:20

I do think it's possible to be "just" friends. However I had a friendship that sounds very similar to yours and we ended up banging while drunk. At that point I was still trying to perform monogamy. Things didn't end well.

Dery · 22/04/2021 09:35

“Christ, your poor DH. He gets to be 'mundane' while your friend gets to have a 'special bond' that is 'charged'. It's easy to maintain excitement when you don't have all the boring bits of marriage and family life, especially if you 'come and go'.

Obviously it's your life, and it sounds like your DH accepts the situation. But personally I would never, ever accept this level of intimacy with someone else within my marriage. Of course friends fulfill us in ways our partners don't. That's healthy and normal. But what you are describing is way beyond that. It sounds like you are enjoying the excitement of 'not crossing the line', whereas in a regular friendship the kind shouldn't even be there in the first place.”

This. I think you’ve crossed a line and are being disloyal. Maybe your H isn’t bothered but I do wonder how you would feel if your husband got into a similar scenario. And I speak as someone who has been in an open relationship with her H.

I should imagine his presence has interfered with your emotional connection with your H because you’ve had this shiny man-friend alongside while you go through the daily grind with your H. You don’t seem to have realised that your H would probably be looking just as shiny if you’d been going through the daily grind with your friend.

It is possible to just be friends (though I’m always a bit sceptical re that tbh) but you have openly declared feelings to each other so are no longer in the just friend category.

notagainmummy · 22/04/2021 10:07

I have the same feelings for my BIL and he feels the same about me. He recently lost his wife who was only 45, and is relying heavily on me for support. He says he loves me, but as a friend and I say the same. However we both have admitted it goes deeper but not something we would do anything about. Luckily we live a good distance from each other so it's all facetime and calls. I know that we should have got together as a couple before he met his late wife, but neither of us would betray DH (he's DHs brother). I don't think DH really knows how we both feel, but is a bit suspicious. We speak several times a week and sometimes more. Even if DH wasn't on the scene, my life and kids are here, and DFs life is where he lives. I sometimes fanaticise we will finally get together when we are 100!

Kat6901 · 22/04/2021 10:17

@notagainmummy grief does funny things to people.

Kat6901 · 22/04/2021 10:17

Don’t stoke the bloody fire!

notagainmummy · 22/04/2021 10:52

[quote Kat6901]@notagainmummy grief does funny things to people.[/quote]

We have felt the same before and after the bereavement. I have known him 15 years and always felt the attraction, and know he felt the same, but DH is his brother and we would both not betray him. Before he got married we would always hug, but not kiss, so it is physical but more of an emotional connection.

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 10:54

Are you saying you’ve the hots for each other and you both admit it.

Desmondo2021 · 22/04/2021 10:57

It doesn't sound right to me. The person for whom feelings run deepest for me and who I share both the mundane and the excitement of life is my DH. If it wasn't then I would be being unfaithful to my main relationship in my book.

Bibidy · 22/04/2021 11:00

It sounds like your feelings for your friend run deeper than your feelings for your DH, would you not rather have been with him?

Reading this it's like you're with your DH but the person you're really meant to be with is right there in front of you.

How come it never went any further?

PS. To answer your original question, I do think men and women can be friends, 100%, but not when they feel as you have described here.

Needhelp101 · 22/04/2021 11:05

Of course you can just be friends. My best friend of 26 years was male (until he died 😢). We'd get drunk together, shared beds on occasion, been on holiday together, discussed anything and everything. But never in all those years did we ever declare a 'charge' between us. Because there wasn't one. We loved each other very deeply but like a brother and sister.

Your relationship with your friend is crossing a line into emotional affair territory.

Key100stage · 22/04/2021 11:11

We have felt the same before and after the bereavement. I have known him 15 years and always felt the attraction, and know he felt the same, but DH is his brother and we would both not betray him. Before he got married we would always hug, but not kiss, so it is physical but more of an emotional connection.

Aww how lovely, your nearest and dearest, eh? Sounds all very cosy Hmm.

Kat6901 · 22/04/2021 12:21

@notagainmummy by chinwagging about your feelings with him you have already betrayed him. Stop stoking it. You’re not a teenager

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 22/04/2021 12:27

You cant get all your needs met by one person.

notagainmummy · 22/04/2021 19:26

[quote Kat6901]@notagainmummy by chinwagging about your feelings with him you have already betrayed him. Stop stoking it. You’re not a teenager[/quote]
It’s not about being a teenager, it’s about have a connection with someone who is off limits. You can’t just deny the connection. Human emotions are far more complex that just falling in love and getting married, and then never looking at anyone else, or feel love for someone else.

Our feelings for one another just add an extra dimension to life, as the OPs friendships does.

Ineedaslap · 22/04/2021 21:30

From my experience yes it is possible to be just friends.

I have a male friend who I absolutely adore, but as a friend. He is always there for me, as I am for him.

I love being out with him, and we have some fabulous days and nights out together. No pressure, just good friends having fun together.

We talk about relationship issues, for both of us. He knows all about things I have done, and whilst he doesn't necessarily approve, he has always been there for me.

We will never ever cross the line between friends and something more, not because we don't fancy each other, because we both sort of do... but because the friendship we have is worth more than that and neither of us want to spoil it..
o

MsMeNz · 22/04/2021 22:11

Oh course you can. My bestie is a guy we used to live together work together hang out etc. Husband totally cool with it we are like siblings. We live in different countries now but he fly's to see the whole family once every year or two pre covid.
After serves bullying from girls on and off through my teen years I struggle to connect with women my own age since then and I'm in a traditionally male work field and have hobbies like fishing etc. So most of my friends are male with a couple of exceptions.

I'm loyal to a fault. No one person can be your everything that's not fair on them. You need friends what ever their gender to meet other needs. I'm a total nerd and my husband is totally not so j get all my geek speak from my friends and co workers for example. Likewise husband has his friends he does loads of sports things with. I hate it when ppl say it's impossible.

Sounds to me though like this might not be the situation here? Otherwise you wouldnt ask. For me thought of anything with my male bestie gives me the back shiver and shudder(icks).

RLEOM · 23/04/2021 01:54

This sounds like it's bordering an emotional affair. If you're both saying you've got this special, deep bond, and you're saying it's sexually charged in some way, then this is totally unfair on your partners.

I've been the partner of someone who had a longterm female best friend. We hot a rough patch when I was 8 months pregnant. She seized the opportunity and started flirting with him after our baby was born - they got together a few months later. Almost like it was meant to be for them. But my daughter is now without a dad and I've been so scarred by it, I haven't wanted to go near a man in 3 years.

Don't assume your partner won't pick up on the vibes between you and your friend. Don't play him for a fool, especially in front of his face.

Gyh863 · 23/04/2021 14:11

Who did you meet first? He's basically an alternative partner you could have had. You have a unique dynamic with each person, and you can like different things about them. You happen to be married to one of them but the relationships could easily have been the other way round by the sound of it.

I think it's a 'connection' because you have both the attraction/chemistry and the friendship. I think most people will know or have known other potential mates.

Sunnysideup999 · 23/04/2021 14:51

I think you have feelings for your friend beyond friendship, and are perhaps in denial about it.
Just a suggestion though... think it over?

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