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Original poster

Should I fight or move on?

39 replies

SunsNRoses · 21/04/2021 08:31

I've been married for almost three years to a damaged guy I love but he doesn't really make me happy and mostly isn't kind, sweet, friendly or romantic. He has had a very hard life and became an angry hurt fighter, he locked up his feelings many years ago and doesn't feel love.
He keeps saying how he is a loner but he does want a married life too. Inside I know he is a very sensitive person that gets hurt really fast and feels like he's being attacked all the time.
He never tells me he loves me or wants to have me in his life or anything like that.

There are times where he's more loving than others where he will be kind but then there are times where he will just be in his own world and get angry at everything I do and I can see his eyes filled with hate, like a child.

I am 31 and want to have a family with kids and a loving home.

He says he is willing to go to anger management but will that really help his hurt inside? He's been in therapy for a year and maybe here and there slight improvements in his mood but overall he says he is split, on the one hand he wants to be in a relationship and on the other he wants to curl up into a cave and live on his own.

What should I do? Obviously if getting divorced is the right thing to do I'll do that but how do I know?

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 21/04/2021 08:37

Run for the hills before you have kids. Who needs that kind of man as a father to their children? You deserve to be loved and to be happy. This man sounds quite scary - and must be if you think he needs anger management classes. Most men do not need anger management classes. Either way, he sounds like a shitty husband and will most likely be a shitty father.

Tallybeebloom · 21/04/2021 08:39

Genuine question, why did you marry him? Because from your post it doesn't sound like there's much worth fighting for, but I'm wondering if there's more behind it.

Sarahlou63 · 21/04/2021 08:40

he doesn't really make me happy and mostly isn't kind, sweet, friendly or romantic.

Begs the question as to why you married him but you did. What are his good points?

He keeps saying how he is a loner but he does want a married life too.

What do YOU want?

He never tells me he loves me or wants to have me in his life or anything like that.

That is no way to live - can you imagine what another 40 years of this will do to you? I really, really hope you aren't contemplating having children with this man.

He's been in therapy for a year

"Change only happens when the desire to change is stronger than the desire to stay the same." He doesn't have the desire to change and maybe never will have.

how do I know?

Get some therapy yourself to find out why you are willing to put up with the crumbs he throws you. You are worth so much more than this.

misskatamari · 21/04/2021 08:41

You can't change someone. And it's not your responsibility to save him.

I would leave. Leave leave leave. Do not have children with him. Run now, while you have less ties.

PollyThePony · 21/04/2021 08:43

Sorry, I agree with "run for the hills".

Listen to what he is actually telling you, without putting your own spin on it. He does not feel love. He is a loner who has locked up his feelings.

Only YOU are saying "deep down he is sensitive". Maybe he isn't. Maybe he means what he says, so listen.

You absolutely should not have children with him. Imagine how they will feel having to "fight" for their father's love and treading on eggshells because he is an angry person (you are the only one who says sensitive - they will only see the rage).

Lampan · 21/04/2021 08:43

He sounds awful. Imagine bringing children into a home like this, and for them to think that this is normal adult behaviour. From what you have said I very much doubt he would be a good father. Run.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2021 08:45

What is there to love about this man at all?. How did you and he actually get together in the first place?. Were you yourself in a low place too at the time?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You were not put on this earth to be a rescuer and or saviour here but here you are seemingly trying to be both. Being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works. Women are not and should not be seen or used as rehab centres for badly raised men.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your own father similar to your now H?.

He sounds more like your common or garden abusive man than your rose tinted romanticised view of him being some sort of "angry hurt fighter/damaged guy". He is actually very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing at the hands of abusive people. Men like this hate women, all of them and particularly their own mother. Now he has chosen to mistreat and otherwise abuse you. AM courses as well are no answer to such problems; this is deeply ingrained within him and such men do not change. He would need years of therapy too and therapy for abusive men does rarely if ever work out.

If you really do want a happy family life and home he is not the person to give you this. I would cut your losses now and rebuild your life. Do not furthermore get stuck on sunk costs.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/04/2021 08:46

Yeh why did you marry him? Sorry but life is short, don’t spend it trying to fix someone else- ok he’s a product of his upbringing but it’s not your job to fix it, if he doesn’t like who he is then he needs to make steps to change himself.

Blueuggboots · 21/04/2021 08:46

I fully believe in the statement "you need a partner not a project".
Why are you with him??!! What are you getting out of this relationship?

Blueuggboots · 21/04/2021 08:47

"He doesn't really make me happy"
Wow, why are you questioning this? You deserve to be happy and be with someone who wants to make you happy!!!

Confusedmelon · 21/04/2021 09:26

Any of this sound familiar OP?

Dery · 21/04/2021 10:10

OP - move on. Women are not rehab centres for broken men. All you’re doing is excusing and enabling his very poor behaviour. No-one has a right to a married life. Some lovely people never get a marriage. He certainly doesn’t get to have a married life if he can’t be a decent partner.

He’s just abusive. Abusers always have excuses for their shitty behaviour because nothing is ever their fault.

Move on. Do the Freedom Programme. Read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Build a life without him.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 21/04/2021 10:12

This kind of man destroys the children they have. If you stay with him please do not drag children into it.

Lozzerbmc · 21/04/2021 10:45

I dont see whats to love about this man who is mostly not loving, friendly or kind. If you are a kind loving person you are that all of the time.

Is he is kind or loving just when hes upset you..? If so thats controllling isnt it...

Run for the hills and dont look back. Never ever ever ever have a baby with this man

Wanderlusto · 21/04/2021 10:54

I second narcissism (NPD).

He is not a child. He is a grown man. Who hates. Hates people, hates life and hates you.

Why do you look at that hate and see a project? It bloody well isn't. Get yourself out of there!

Run.

HollowTalk · 21/04/2021 10:55

Run as fast as you can. Don't even think about having children with him - he'll damage their lives and you will be linked to him forever.

Monr0e · 21/04/2021 10:55

OP, you could tie yourself up in knots trying to justify his behaviour and figuring out why. But ultimately all that doesn't matter. If he makes you unhappy and treats you poorly it doesn't matter why he does it, it matters that he does it and how it makes you feel. Do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells and trying not to trigger him? Is that anyway for your future dc's to live?

ittakes2 · 21/04/2021 11:19

I think you answered your own questions in a title. If you have to fight for your relationship its not as good as you think I am sorry.

YoniAndGuy · 21/04/2021 12:19

Stop romanticising him, and the situation. You're donig it to make this seem worthwhile, to make you feel as if you're not just wasting your time with a total twat.

He's a nob. There are millions of men just like him. No, they're not 'little boy lost' types, they're not sensitive and caring underneath - they're just twats.

You have one life, if you do want a family and children and a happy home to bring them up in, stop wasting your time with the aggressive, stupid bellend.

sunnyzweibrucken · 21/04/2021 12:38

Run and don’t look back. He will always be hit and cold to you and you will be miserable. It’s better to be single than with someone like this

AnyFucker · 21/04/2021 12:44

It is not your job to fix him. You are wasting your life. Every year that goes by while you “fight” is one less where you could meet a man who values you, who wants to be an equal in family life and who you can depend on.

What is it you are “fighting” for anyway ? A few crumbs of affection not freely given ? You are worth more than that.

If you stay with this man your whole life will be a battle. Not a battle for the relationship but for your self respect. Don’t do it to yourself. Walk away now before you throw any more of your misplaced energy in to this black hole of a person.

RealisticSketch · 21/04/2021 12:46

Whatever you decide to do yourself you absolutely should not put children into a situation of having a father who cannot parent healthily because his own damage is not healed. That would be to knowingly inflict emotional harm onto a vulnerable human and would be utterly deplorable. You have a choice, pick it if you want, but a child doesn't.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 21/04/2021 13:02

Run for the hills. You will not get what you want from this relationship.

While you're in the hills, have a really hard think about why you feel the need to be what a pp so brilliantly called a human rehab centre. Who made you the caretaker? Who said you had to be the rescuer? More to the point, has this person shown any indication that they want to be rescued? Because actually that's a fairly arrogant assumption to make. They seem pretty happy stewing in their hurt... you don't have to be. You can choose differently.

BlueDahlia69 · 21/04/2021 13:57

He is using you, what a horrible person. Detach yourself from him asap.

Sstrongtn · 21/04/2021 15:15

What @YoniAndGuy said, when you strip back the layers of the damaged twat, you will actually find more twat. It’s your omantic notions killing you here.

Don’t bring kids up with a dad like that it’s cruel.