Should I fight or move on?

[SunsNRoses]

I've been married for almost three years to a damaged guy I love but he doesn't really make me happy and mostly isn't kind, sweet, friendly or romantic. He has had a very hard life and became an angry hurt fighter, he locked up his feelings many years ago and doesn't feel love.
He keeps saying how he is a loner but he does want a married life too. Inside I know he is a very sensitive person that gets hurt really fast and feels like he's being attacked all the time.
He never tells me he loves me or wants to have me in his life or anything like that.

There are times where he's more loving than others where he will be kind but then there are times where he will just be in his own world and get angry at everything I do and I can see his eyes filled with hate, like a child.

I am 31 and want to have a family with kids and a loving home.

He says he is willing to go to anger management but will that really help his hurt inside? He's been in therapy for a year and maybe here and there slight improvements in his mood but overall he says he is split, on the one hand he wants to be in a relationship and on the other he wants to curl up into a cave and live on his own.

What should I do? Obviously if getting divorced is the right thing to do I'll do that but how do I know?

Ideally yes, you should leave.
If you choose to stay though, don't have children with him. You choose your partner. Kids can't choose their father. They deserve a good one

So what are these relationships? Why do you love him?

It looks like you have some sort of emotionally codependent relations. I would suggest you to visit psychologist, talk about it and figure out why a normal woman ever on earth whould like to live with such man and be in such relations

He doesn't sound very pleasant (understatment) and certainly isn't good enough for you. You don't love him, not really, its more of a case of Stockholm Syndrome. You know where the hills are @SunsNRoses.

he doesn't really make me happy and mostly isn't kind, sweet, friendly or romantic

Move on.
Don’t have have kids with him.
I’m not sure why you love him, but adding kids into the mix with someone that doesn’t make you happy and isn’t kind, I can guarantee that you won’t love him then!

Ffs. Why on earth did you marry this man? You need a partner, not a project, and I certainly hope you are smart enough not to have children with this man. Life is hard enough without having a father like that. Run for your life and move on.

Why would you even contemplate making a child have him as a father?

I think the single most important thing about a long term partner is that he is kind.

Liz Darsh did a short blog post recently saying dwelling on "the why" is sometimes pointless.

Seriously, no point, sunk costs, move on.

I can’t work out why you married him.

Do not bring kids into this.

He would be a dreadful father.
You are not protecting yourself or your potential children if you have them with this guy = you would be a neglectful mother choosing this guy as the father.

You sound SS if you have a bad case of Saviour Syndrome.

Are you qualified to make the diagnoses about his emotional, psychological and mental health? Yes, he had a hard life, he might also be an unfeeling non-partner.

Whatever you get out of this relationship (what DO you get?) you have no right to impose this on children.

I might sound harsh OP, but I spent too many years with someone who constantly tested how lovable they were. “You see, you don’t love me, look what I have done now!” “What about this? Now you will leave me”, and I dealt with worsening situations.

You can’t change people, they have to seek actual professional help and change themselves. And you have no idea what the outcome will be.

If someone changes, they might not want the person whose main dynamic was ‘supporting’ them. I have seen that happen so many times.

People do not magically change.

You know what you want in your life.

Go and find it.

OP you need to have a think about why you believe it's your job to "fix" this man.

What relationship models did you see growing up? Did you, for example, see your mum tiptoeing around your dad, in fear of his outbursts and telling you and any siblings "Daddy's had a bad day darlings so we need to be really quiet and not fash him"? or "Daddy didn't mean it darling, he's just tired/poorly/upset"?

Were you subjected to damaging misogynist narratives such as Beauty and the Beast?

Is he going to have to actually punch you in the face before you believe he doesn't want you? Because he's been telling you loud and clear with his actions that he really, really doesn't like you, let alone love you. He's married you because some bitter, twisted part of him finds satisfaction in having a handy whipping girl on whom he can take out all his frustrations and inadequacies.

Get the hell out of there!

Sorry, to add to my post: he has been in therapy for a year, and yet here you are.
Not happy.
Not being shown care or kindness.

Leave him.

Find out why you think love is possible for someone who doesn’t make you happy.

Op, well done for posting before you had children.

For those asking why you married him, he will have hidden his issues until after marriage. This is extremely common.

3rd the suggestion of NPD, why.. because it's usually the result of childhood trauma and his behaviour is highly suggestive. He could also have other overlapping conditions such as depression so it's complex to determine, however what is definite is that he is unlikely to change and more likely to get worse.

Counselling or anger management rarely works for personality disorders as the behaviour is ingrained (much like many personality traits by the adult years). Think about how difficult it would be for you to fundamentally change an aspect of your personality now? In addition it's believed that childhood trauma causes a deficit in the area of the brain relating to empathy so there is limited capacity to improve or change.

I suspect you are a kind individual but the cost of staying in a toxic relationship is high, health, finances and if you had children he is likely to perpetual the cycle.