Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He comes and goes

30 replies

Izzabull · 21/04/2021 06:17

Separated from DH, with a view to rebuilding our marriage without living under the same roof.
The problem is that the moment we make steps in the right direction, we talk, eat a meal together, have sex, he's gone again for a week or longer. There are no nice messages inbetween just factual ones about the kids, no date nights as we're busy during the week a lot and then weekends is shared childcare so no time to date either.
I feel like he's walking in and out of my life. We're not together, but I can't quite move on either. We had an opportunity to go out in the evening together last week, but he encouraged me to spend the time with a family member I hadn't seen for a while instead. I wouldn't mind if he had suggested an alternative day/evening for us to spend together, but he didn't.
He doesn't quite understand how relationships work, as before he met me, he had never had a girlfriend (he was 32 at the time), he's now 42. But he has to be reminded to make an effort which is a big reason for us separating in the first place! I just don't have the energy to keep reminding him anymore.
I genuinely don't think he means to do it at all, but I'm starting to feel like his pet.

OP posts:
Motnight · 21/04/2021 06:20

Do you have children together?

The way you describe it seems as though he is having his cake and eating it.

Onlinedilema · 21/04/2021 06:22

Difficult to say op. Had he always been this dis engaged ?

DrMorbius · 21/04/2021 06:25

Classic Panda relationship. He eats, shoots and leaves.

You are being used Op.

category12 · 21/04/2021 06:28

The reasons you separated are still very much there. Nothing has changed.

Why are you wasting your time? Time to cut the rope, don't you think?

updownroundandround · 21/04/2021 06:29

If he's always been like this, and you've always had to tell him he needs to 'make an effort', then I can't see how this would magically change just because he's no longer living under the same roof tbh.

Is it only that you've had enough of 'doing the work' and 'reminding' him what he needs to do in the relationship ? Because if so, then I fear you may well be 'flogging a dead horse' so to speak.

If he's simply not capable of doing things himself/ thinking for himself, then you're better off just calling it quits and agreeing to co-parent.

Original poster
Izzabull · 21/04/2021 06:29

Do you have any links for me to read up on panda relationships @drmorbius ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Izzabull · 21/04/2021 06:34

He was very engaged in the beginning, the best start to a relationship I've ever had. He was brilliantly hands on with DC1 and is a good father to both DCs. He's needed reminding since DC2. I would say that he pretty much gave up after DC2 was born, or had short bursts of trying, but could never keep it up consistently. I keep expecting him to come back to me on an emotional level, but it doesn't happen.
I was engrossed in parenting after DC2 for a while as she had a few issues, I was breastfeeding around the clock, exhausted and then he had a health issue of his own and so did I, so we became very distant and involved in our own worlds.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 21/04/2021 06:36

Could one of the dc stay with him for a week to give him a feel for full time parenting? It doesn’t sound like he has that experience anymore.

DianaT1969 · 21/04/2021 06:38

Where is he living now OP? I think you need to know what he's doing with all his free 'single-man' time.

provencegal · 21/04/2021 06:42

Op he is using you.

Flitting in for sex and dinner and disappearing to do whatever he likes.

Personally, there is no way I would be happy with the set up you have described. He either fully commits to repairing the marriage or it is finished. Currently he has the best of both worlds.

JustThatTimeOfLife · 21/04/2021 06:43

@Izzabull

Do you have any links for me to read up on panda relationships *@drmorbius* ?
I think drmorbius was describing the relationship based upon the book title rather than labelling the relationship.

She's saying that he isn't interested in a relationship with you, just enjoying the benefits of one when it suits.

Hughbert · 21/04/2021 06:55

The only thing he isn't doing is leaving cash on the bedside table when he leaves. Don't say it's because he doesn't know how to be in a relationship, surely he has an inkling how to be a decent human and not take the piss?

Botanica · 21/04/2021 07:00

He's got the best of both worlds right now. It's all very easy for him and no one holding him to account for the rest of the week.

I assume he's very happy with the set up and there's no motivation from his side to change everything as he has it so easier.

He needs to decide if he's in or out. And if you don't think anything has fundamentally changed in terms of his capability to step more into the relationship, then I wouldn't even give him the option. You need to get on with your life without being kept hanging.

starbrightstarlight8888 · 21/04/2021 07:06

He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He's using you for sex.

trevthecat · 21/04/2021 07:08

Stop having sex with him

notacooldad · 21/04/2021 07:15

I feel like he's walking in and out of my life
Thats exactly what he us doing and he will carry on doing until he meets someone else or you put an end to it.

HairyPits · 21/04/2021 07:16

@DrMorbius comment is a play on words OP.

Pandas eat shoots (new plants) and leaves 🍃.

Your man eats (the food you make him) shoots (you have sex) and leaves (sods off again).

There’s no reading for you to fathom the deeper meaning of your relation, he’s using you.

My current DP didn’t have a girlfriend before me met me (mid 40’s) but other than reminding him not to pick his teeth, he doesn’t need help with how to treat me well, so don’t give your chap this get-out clause.

Dery · 21/04/2021 07:27

“I feel like he's walking in and out of my life

Thats exactly what he us doing and he will carry on doing until he meets someone else or you put an end to it.”

This with bells on.

CoconutMaracas · 21/04/2021 07:48

He must be loving this - he’s a single man with a place to himself and free from childcare all week. He then gets to hook up with you once a week if he wants to.
Please call time on this and say he either moves back in and works on the marriage ( counselling etc) or you draw a line

THisbackwithavengeance · 21/04/2021 08:07

You need to call a halt to the sex and the date night dinners for a start.

He is in heaven isn't he? Good sex and food when he wants. No parenting or boring stuff.

Come on, OP. I hope he is still paying his way.

sunshine789 · 21/04/2021 09:06

From what you've described it looks like you want to have relations and he is not.
If he was engaged at the beginning of your relations, then he knows what to do, so now he doesnt need reminders.
He is doing what he wants, having occasional sex without any responsibilities. He likes this situation, you continue to allow it and he continues doing that.

Have you discussed this separation and how are you going to work on your relations? Maybe thats his idea on how to work it out Confused

Original poster
Izzabull · 21/04/2021 09:08

Just for background, he lives with his Dad currently who isn't easy to live with in all fairness. He has his fair share of the DCs and will happily do more if I ask him to, which I do regularly as youngest DC is very challenging. He comes to mine to help with bedtimes/bathtimes and DCs go to his 2-3 times a week with a sleepover.
This arrangement suits us practically, but emotionally, it's not good for me when sometimes he comes back and we're intimate and other times, it's very practical. The times when things don't happen, there is literally no love, no hugs, no intimacy whatsoever. It's quite bizarre the more I thini about it.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 21/04/2021 09:11

I want his life! I'm jealous.

seensome · 21/04/2021 09:20

I don't think he's that interested in getting back together with you, without some daily bonding either by messaging or phone call or coming over for dinner as a family you can't build emotionally, he just wants occasional sex and not a proper relationship.

LionLily · 21/04/2021 09:49

You've become his booty call.
If he doesn't know how to be in a relationship then you need to spell out what you, as a grown up woman with a couple of dc to bring up, expect from your intimate one-on-one relationship. Not what you expect from him as a dad or a financial partner, but as your life partner. Then send him away to decide if he can make the grade. (Which probably doesn't involve living somewhere else as he's got to be in it to win it.)
It's time for a shape up or ship out convo.

Swipe left for the next trending thread