He comes and goes

[Izzabull]

Separated from DH, with a view to rebuilding our marriage without living under the same roof.
The problem is that the moment we make steps in the right direction, we talk, eat a meal together, have sex, he's gone again for a week or longer. There are no nice messages inbetween just factual ones about the kids, no date nights as we're busy during the week a lot and then weekends is shared childcare so no time to date either.
I feel like he's walking in and out of my life. We're not together, but I can't quite move on either. We had an opportunity to go out in the evening together last week, but he encouraged me to spend the time with a family member I hadn't seen for a while instead. I wouldn't mind if he had suggested an alternative day/evening for us to spend together, but he didn't.
He doesn't quite understand how relationships work, as before he met me, he had never had a girlfriend (he was 32 at the time), he's now 42. But he has to be reminded to make an effort which is a big reason for us separating in the first place! I just don't have the energy to keep reminding him anymore.
I genuinely don't think he means to do it at all, but I'm starting to feel like his pet.

We've spoken about this and agreed on many things @lionlily and then the reality doesn't pan out as he'd agreed to or intended.

Also I think he finds it difficult to see a distinction between family life and couple/married life. I would guess that in his mind, the times we see each other practically, in the home, equals time together, which obviously, it doesnt.

Well, hasn't he got the perfect set up! He's a single man who can pop round for dinner, company and a shag when he wants, plays with the DC when he fancies, but no real responsibilities or commitment. I'm not surprised he isn't trying a bit harder - this is nirvana for him. You're a fool for signing up to it.

It is incredibly disrespectful too.

Tbh to me it sounds EXACTLY like a marriage, but you're under two roofs. i.e. some days are practical and some days involve intimacy. I have never lived with my husband, in fact we live happily 60 miles apart and because of covid we've not yet been able to buy a house together yet, but we're happy and haven't been separated as you two have.

I think for all intents and purposes you are still living as a married couple but because of what you've been through, being under one roof doesn't feel attractive and like it would help at present.

Contrary to other posters, I don't think he's using you. I think you may be expecting living separately to reset your relationship to feel like dating with lots of courting in between dates etc having also been in this situation with a previous partner, I can tell you that these expectations will not be met. But if you still truly love each other, you need to be plotting a way back to living together again as a family unit. If you push this conversation, you may find that he pulls away further and so be it. But if you're not happy with how things are, you will need to be brave and push for a change which means you either resolve together or move on as single parents.

No grown ass man needs to be told how to be in a relationship by another grown up individual or doesn’t know how to be in one.

He simply doesn’t want to.

Either move on if you want change OP (co parent only) or stay and carry on trying to teach him 🤨