Page 2 | Am I Crazy? Older man.

South12 · 2021-04-20T21:08:22+00:00

I'm 29. I've been seeing a 54 year old man for the last few weeks. My friends think it's going to end in tears (mine) but I can't help being drawn back to him. Is the age gap too big? Would you think it was weird if your friend was in a similar situation - either age? I need some perspective I think.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 21/04/2021 11:41

There have been loads of age gap threads with the younger one warning others not to do it.

Inevitably if it is a long term relationship you'll end up his carer & if you want kids chances are he'll be too old (I know someone who had to use ivf & donor sperm because his was too old to work) and no matter how 'young at heart' he is he won't want to be running round after a toddler when he's a pensioner

HollyBollyBooBoo · 21/04/2021 11:47

Depends on what you think is going to happen with the relationship.

I was 32, getting divorced and had a lovely fling with a 55 year old. He was great for my ego, nice dates, good sex but we both knew it was a fling and nothing long term.

Could I see myself having a proper relationship in terms of living together, having kids etc with such an age gap - no.

TippledPink · 21/04/2021 11:49

I met OH when I was 29 and he was 46 (he said he was younger though when we met). I would never have met him if I knew his real age. 29 and 54 is a huge age gap, I personally couldn't do it, you will be sacrificing a lot of your life. Like others have asked, do you want kids? We both already had kids so didn't have that issue.

He will inevitably start slowing down soon. There is a little of that with my OH, I am still working toward my life goals and he feels he is past putting in the hard graft, even though he is a very fit and active 51 year old.

EverythingRuined · 21/04/2021 12:05

I think it's a bit weird tbh. I'm mid 50's and very young at heart but the thought of dating someone in their 20's is creepy. They would be the same age as my kids.
Physically I can see why the elder person would do it though.

Is he rich or famous? 👀

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/04/2021 12:11

@TippledPink

I met OH when I was 29 and he was 46 (he said he was younger though when we met). I would never have met him if I knew his real age. 29 and 54 is a huge age gap, I personally couldn't do it, you will be sacrificing a lot of your life. Like others have asked, do you want kids? We both already had kids so didn't have that issue.

He will inevitably start slowing down soon. There is a little of that with my OH, I am still working toward my life goals and he feels he is past putting in the hard graft, even though he is a very fit and active 51 year old.

Weren't you totally put off by the fact he lied about his age in order to up his chances of you saying yes to a date?

1WayOrAnother2 · 21/04/2021 12:20

It depends what you want!

Enjoy this while it lasts but perhaps don't expect it to be 'long-term'?

Spring/autumn relationships can work for some couples... but summer/winter ones might be less successful unless the summer partner really wants to be a carer.

Luckingfovely · 21/04/2021 12:23

It's just grim, eugh, creepy. And is very much not reflective of a healthy approach to relationships on either side.

You may be caught up in a whirl of attraction now, but one day you're going to look back with a clearer mind and your actions are going to make you actually vomit.

Take a step back and reflect for a while on your own life, needs, and desire for a relationship.

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 12:23

It’s difficult as it will be difficult in hour social circles, both, your mates when you’ve a bloke in his fifties hanging round and his mates when he’s someone in their twenties hanging round.

Long term I’d not fancy it my self, in sixteen years you’ll be with a seventy year old. You’ll be 45. Christ I’m fifty two and go to gigs, festivals, and regularly have parties, no way I’d be doing that with a seventh year old. But each to their own. When you’re 55 and just a bit older than me, he will be 80. That’s a major eugh from me.

AramintaLee · 21/04/2021 12:24

He will be a pensioner when you're in your prime.

I do think it depends on what you want... if you want a family/kids then I would not settle down with someone who will be an old man by the time my kids are teenagers. It would be such hard work and you risk your kids growing up without their Dad at quite a young age.

If you both don't want kids then less of a problem. At the end of the day, it's up to you!

Wannabegreenfingers · 21/04/2021 12:25

Fling, go for it. Long term. I wouldn't.

My sister has a 17 year age gap. The older he gets the more obvious the age gap becomes and not in a good way.

5128gap · 21/04/2021 12:28

I don't think it's weird OP, but a lot of people on here, and maybe in RL, if they are that way inclined, will.
For some reason it arouses very strong feelings in the disapproving, as demonstrated by some of the responses on here questioning decency, adjustment and motives, using terms like 'creepy', and referencing parental relationships. So if the opinion of other people bothers you, you may need to brace yourself if you go ahead.
People seem to struggle to see beyond their stereotypes of what people in their 50s and 20s are like, and generalise, but only you know this particular man, and whether he is decent and seems sincere (as far as anyone can ever tell in a new relationship) and whether you have a good time together. And if you do, is it good enough to compensate for the difficulties you might face from people judging you?
I also think some valid points have been made about the long term, but after a few dates it's very early days to be worrying about that far ahead.

Silverfly · 21/04/2021 12:29

Do you want kids OP? If so this would be a definite no from me. But if you don't, it's ok to date him and see how it goes.

drpet49 · 21/04/2021 12:32

* Sorry op but I think it's grim. Any man in his 50s who wants to date a woman so much younger than him is suspect. Especially given the fact he has a daughter your age.*

^I agree. What could you possibly have in common? In 6 years he’ll be 60! Grim

Trixie78 · 21/04/2021 12:32

I'd have to say no, the age gap is too big. Maybe not so much for you now but in 10 years?

Dogoodfeelgood · 21/04/2021 12:42

I definitely understand the attraction to the older man, and while you’re young there are only upsides and no consequences. However having seen my parents with a big age gap, and how one is end of life and the other (only 15 years younger) is still very active and has many years of a full life ahead but spending them caring for their frail partner, I would think carefully on whether you want a partner beside you in your golden years - or if you want to be looking after a very much old man, without a partner to go on hikes with or renovate a holiday home with etc. Obviously there are no guarantees in life and even with a same age partner you can’t say for sure whether you will have a partner for your later years, but you definitely won’t if your partner is 25 years your senior.

Whatisthisfuckery · 21/04/2021 12:48

God no OP, I wouldn’t. I’m 39 and I wouldn’t go out with someone of 54. Energy levels and expectations/wants from life would be too different, and, well, there’s physicality. I’m only attracted to women, so things like erectile disfunction aren’t an issue, but with a man, well, they’re not young bucks forever.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 21/04/2021 12:48

A good friend of mine is 42 and her husband is 71. They met when she was 28 and have. 13 yr old daughter together. He looks like his daughter's grandad and has health issues but apart from they they're happy. He's retired she's self employed. It can work.

AIMD · 21/04/2021 12:59

How I feel about the relationship would depend on the wider context.

People with that age gap who are both quite confident and independent (emotionally/financially etc) and have shared interests or complimentary personalities - then yes I think the age gap is fine. Some people in their 50s are more socially similar to people in their 30s/40s than in their 50s/60s.

If one person has more power in the relationship, particularly the older person, then I think that makes things more difficult. Eg does he have a lot more financial security (if so how will that work in along term relationship), is he much more strong in terms of personality or getting what he wants that you.

There are also issues around his health/mobility etc potentially declining quicker than yours. Skip forward 20 years and you might be in very different places, so long term I can see some issues.

However having said that if you’re both happy and it’s a healthy relationship. Who cares what others think?!

diamondpony80 · 21/04/2021 13:13

54 is not old so I understand the attraction. However he’s at a very different stage in life and the difference in your priorities will only increase as time goes on. At your age I probably wouldn’t have seen a problem, but 10 years on with a bit more life experience I definitely wouldn’t recommend it.

workshy44 · 21/04/2021 13:44

The problem is aging accelerates the older you are, there is a big difference between 50 and 60 for instance which he will be in a few years
I also think it is grim in the extreme that you are the same age as his daughter. Also at 29 the thoughts of having to socialize with my friends ancient boyfriend.. sure people will be too polite to say anything directly to your face but I imagine over time it will have social implications
If it was a quick fling fine but I wouldn't throw away your youth and the best years of your life on some old man. You waste your prime years , the best and easiest years to meet a life partner on someone who almost certainly won't be it you will bitterly regret it I think

It would be better if you were 25 as you would have more time to waste

DianaT1969 · 21/04/2021 13:47

Yes to icky that he is attracted to women his daughter's age.
But more - why are you settling and wasting precious time? You should be looking for someone closer to your age to build a life with. Don't piggy back off the life experience of someone whose next milestone birthday is 60.

MrsBerthaRochester · 21/04/2021 13:56

I'm 45 and I wouldn't date someone that age! My ex DH was 10 years older(another one who lied about his age) He you s starting to look like an old man and I'm still in my prime🙂

EarthSight · 21/04/2021 14:01

Only you can decide if they age gap is too big for you, but only invest in this if you -

Are willing to be widowed at a young age. I'm not saying this is why you're into him, but just in case you think there's financial benefits to that, consider that he could change his will at any time and you might separate before it even gets to that point.
Are willing to support him through the types of physical issues that tend to come along with old age - declining testosterone which can result in lack of sex drive, worsening mood and impotence in some men. Decreasing energy and susceptibility to dementia or heart disease.

I mean it will be brill for him, won't it? He'll have an energetic, supple young carer for him in his old age. Are you actually willing to stick around if things get tough though?

You seem to have already made your mind up and are batting away objections to the age gap. Not sure why you posted really. I would say you're looking for reassurance and encouragement that it's ok than reasons why it's not. I'm older than you and although I know that some men seem young for their age, I would assume you had Daddy issues for thinking about entering a relationship with a man who was 25 years older than you.

billy1966 · 21/04/2021 14:27

OP,
I'm well into my 50's, married to a man in his latest 50's....

Have your fling and move on.

It's grim.
You are a youngster with so much ahead of you.

Don't get caught up with someone who will suck that youth from you.

It's too big a gap.

spudsmama · 21/04/2021 15:15

I would say keep the conversation flowing about what you both want from the relationship and your lives. I met my partner when I was 27 and he was 45 and we've been together 7 years and have a nearly 3 year old together. We keep making sure we are both on the same page about what we want in life and what we want together, when we find differences in our plans we discuss everything a lot and work on the compromise. We haven't hit anything that has been big enough to cause a problem yet. I'm well aware of the issues of being with someone older, becoming a carer, and a widow etc. and maybe I'll feel differently when the time comes but we are a really great team and it's been so easy since we first met. His friends almost always did a double take when they found out how young I was but we always all just made a joke out of it. I think some of my friends were a bit weirded out at first but saw what we had and got over it.