Feel like I've ruined my life

[fhdnd]

It was nearly two years go since I was out with friends, having fun and going to college. I got pregnant at 17 and gave birth at 18 and all I can think is what have I done. I want to go home and have my tea made and go to sleep then go out the next day and speak to friends. No one wants to speak to me anymore, why would they? I try my best and sometimes I don't wonder how much longer I can go on. Everyone always says wow you're doing such a good job considering how young you are. When really, I'm not doing a good job. In fact I do the bare minimum just to get through the day. My baby is such an easy baby and I love him but I've ruined my life. I know this is my fault.

Sounds like you're going through a bit of an emotional roller-coaster. Have you considered talking to your health visitor about your worries?

Could it be PND. You've been through a massive life transition, it's sure to have an impact in anyone.

Try not to be so hard on yourself (I know easier said than done).

'Noone wants to speak to you anymore, why would they' to me this says more about your 'friends' than it does you.

Could you find some other mums in the area? With babies roughly the same age as yours?

It's exhausting being a parent and I believe it's relatively normal to go through a time in your life where you want or feel you need someone to come a cook for you etc...
This could also be part of depression and feeling like you've lost the life you once had.

Couldn't read and run. OP, I had those feelings too, and I was mid-twenties, married to a good man (still married, and we're grandparents now) and mortgaged. All the respectable shit, still had times when I wondered wtf I had done, more than once sobbing in the corner.

Agree with PP depression could be an issue, it was for me. Seek help and support. You are a good mum, or you wouldn't be posting here.

Couldn’t read and run. Im so sorry your feeling this way. My baby was pretty high maintenance (although i was 20 when Dc was born) and i felt the same way. I can’t imagine I’d have felt any different if he was an easy baby.
I had post partum depression and post partum anxiety. I grieved my old life.
Are you still at home? Is your parents around? Can you speak to your mum about how your feeling and see if maybe even one day a week she can take your little one so you haven’t lost all your independence. Most mums feel a loss of identity when they’ve had their first born. Your feelings aren’t wrong or invalid. You won’t always feel so lonely and abandoned. Sending , your still young. You have your whole life to go, your still very young and you won’t feel stuck in this rut forever. You will soon re-gain some independence xx

So sorry you are feeling this way too. You are very young and from the sounds of it doing very well. It will get easier. Don't you ever give up on your life. You have not ruined it. It is different to your friends' lives at the moment but someday they'll have kids and yours will be more independent. Life is what you make it, I promise. You can do any job you want in this life. You can become what you want. Everyone has to eventually pay the bills, make tea and get a job. You've just started earlier. Good luck to you.

I was in my 30's when I had my kids. Shellshocked is the only word I can use. Have never been able to decide if I was too young or too old!
Turns out I had PND. Medication and a great gp got me through it all. I learned techniques to get me through the down times which I still ( very occasionally) use today.. decades later.
Please please talk to your gp.. get help... this is just how I felt.. and it is not YOU... this is hormones.. I promise you... don't let it drag on and take the joy of your baby away from you.
The help is out there.. not an overnight fix.. but you can get through this.

Your time will come. I had my children very young, I felt like this in the early days too. It's overwhelming. But your life is not over I promise you, it can feel like a bit of a pause I will admit, but you still have so much of your life ahead of you. And if you're like me, you will be smugly enjoying your 30s comfortably passed all that drudgery that comes with child rearing whilst people your age start it. Despite what people say, there is plenty of time for fun and travel in your 30s and beyond, so just because you can't be a "typical" 18 year old now, doesn't mean you won't ever have fun again.

If I could give any word of advice it's to think about your career/job/financial aspirations, have a plan, start what you can now, don't wait until your child has grown up, you'll want the financial independence to have all that fun waiting for you

I had this similar feeling when I was on maternity leave. If someone didn't text me back that day or answer my call I thought that they didn't like me, like I was a really annoying person or something. It was a very strong feeling and I was convinced that I annoyed everyone and I had nothing to talk about, at one point I thought that my friends were faking it all along and that I always annoyed them. I had no other symptoms of PND I wish I'd had someone to say to me that's just a feeling not a fact.

Go easy on yourself OP.

When you say noone will talk to you, what do you mean? Did friends and family have a negative reaction to your pregnancy? Or do you mean that friends have drifted? Do you have a support network around you?

Having a baby is HARD. It's even harder in a pandemic, no matter how old you are. I would agree that trying to meet some mum friends may help you. Try baby groups or Peanut (which is basically tinder for meeting mum friends).

You have not ruined your life at all. And you are not worth less because you had a child young. Remember that.

Sorry one more thing and I know you're not asking but I really wish at times that I'd had my child much younger I knew in my 20's that I wanted a child one day and I didn't really start any kind of great career because you know you'll need to have a break from it, I had less aspirations. I had my child at 32 and now he is gaining independence I'm 40 and it feels all a bit late, I wish I was 15 years younger and at this stage.

I wish I'd started earlier too. I was 31 and had twins. I wanted kids at 25.

Could not read and run.

Sending hugs OP . You’ve got this and hope you get through it.

Agree with kickergoes. Also the same I had I dd at 17 and a ds at18. I am also so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm 38 now and I see women my age with newborns and feel relieved that it's not me. I know it's hard and I know hard is a understatement. You certainly have not ruined your life. You have just gave birth to life and that is the best gift in the world. I also have a gs who my daughter had at your age and she felt just like you. I'm not going to say it will get easier as life can throw many thing at you although you will get to know who is on your team. As you get older though you will realise that it can be a blessing haveing a baby when you are fit and young. When your ds goes to the park you will be able to run after him and play ball ect and older mothers do struggle with that. I usto get all the nasty names and looks and now I am thankful that my children are educated and healthy. You can only do what you can do. Just don't be hard on yourself. Don't feel like your life is over when you've got a new life. Like I tell my dd you are amazing for haveing him as many women don't and I think that's a bit sad for them.

Your life isn’t over. It may be tough for a few years but stick at it, see your GP, ask for talking therapy at the very least. My boss was a teenage mum who got pregnant at 15 - she is now a CEO on £400k a year with two houses. You have your whole life ahead of you - you just might have to start a little later than your friends.

Nothing wrong with a newborn at 38 but it's not for me either

Nothing wrong with it apart from the worry if it's going to be born ok once pregnant. Very few teenagers have that worry.

True x

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. In all honesty, I found it really really hard even having children at 30.
Is there a children's centre near you? Have a look online, they often run lots of free baby groups where you can meet other mums and make friends. The one in our area has a special group just for younger mums.

I felt like this and I was 30 when I had my first. Motherhood is the toughest 'hood you'll ever travel through imo.
It is especially hard I imagine due to the pandemic so there aren't even any mother and baby groups etc. running. When they start- make an effort to go to at least one a week. Baby groups and toddler groups in church halls are often like £2 a go- so not too pricey. I also remember vaguely when I was pregnant, seeing a sign in a children's centre for 'young' mums 18-25- like a group for them to meet in because I imagine often young mums feel like 30 pluses like me don't have so much in common with them. Worth contacting your local children's centre and asking if they run anything like this or would consider doing so. Your life won't always be like this- this is just one chapter. Sending you a massive hug and try and get trusted family to take baby now and again so you can go for coffee with friends or have baby overnight so you can have a night out once in a while.

Ooo, I just thought. There's great help out there too, if you feel you could benefit from a little extra support.

The organisation home start sprung to mind, they have trained volunteers who come to your home where you can have a chat, get some house work done while they sit with baby, get out and about with you or you can go and relax in another room for a bit etc... whilst they watch over baby.

It may feel a little daunting to have a complete stranger enter your life. If you're not comfortable with them in your home at first you could meet in a park or something? I hope this suggestion helps.

Best of luck

Having kids is unbelievably hard, no one finds it as easy as they make out online. Will echo other posters and say please see your GP, they really can make a difference.

Having kids esp young does ruin your life!

So it's not odd to be feeling like that.

I’m a late 30s mum and I felt the loss of independence too. I had many years to go out and do anything I wanted and suddenly it was totally different! My friend had kids early 20s and was pre-covid going on loads of exciting adventures. I’m so jealous! I’m old and exhausted and they are footloose and having a fab time!
You’ll have the same freedom as them in the future, when other people your age will be tied down.
I’m sure there will be groups in your areas for other young mums and agree with pp about asking your mum for help once a week so you can go out or get yourself on a course. I
rented with a single mum who was 21 when she had her dd. She was very senior in her company by 32. You can achieve what ever you put your mind too. You probably just feel overwhelmed by a loss of things, try and focus on how you can change things for the better, write a list today

Having kids esp young does ruin your life! So it's not odd to be feeling like that!

Happy healthy kids. Happily married. Two degrees. Very successful career and highly paid. Beautiful (owned) home. Travelled the world with my kids. And still only in my 30s with the world at our feet.

Oh yes, completely ruined. You can't make assumptions about other people based only on your own lack of aspiration.

Thats why people have kids 🙄 cause everyone wants to ruin their lives lol.

Even mothers in stable relationships, with jobs or not, often feel they have lost the life they had before. Having a baby is a huge responsibility and can be boring and lonely, especially if you are doing it alone. Forget your former friends, try to make friends who also have small children. Things will get better, but its hard work no matter what support you do or don't have