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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking about splitting up

44 replies

Loulou2208 · 20/04/2021 11:32

I have been with my partner for 4 and a half years now. He moved in with me 4 years ago as him and his ex wife were selling the house they had together. He was 3 children with his ex wife and they stay with us 2 times a week. We now have a 10 month old together. There has always been drama with his ex wife where I am always the bad person which gets me down too.

He is very lazy and everything is getting too much. I'm working 4 long days a week at home and also caring for our 10 month old. He works 4 days on 4 off. Some weeks he doesn't even work the 4 days. I feel like I do the majority of the house chores including ensuring his kids have clothes and packed lunches etc for school. I feel he needs to help more but anytime I bring it up he promises to help does for a few days then back to square one. He says he will do things when he is ready which takes so long that I do it myself in the end. 1111Or I just get all I do is have a go at him.

He has also been doing our 'garden' for 4 years and it's in more of a mess now than when he started. He started taking down decking without even discussing it and it's my house. His name isn't on the mortgage.

The days he works me and my son have a good routine and I manage well working around caring for my son. When he's at home all he does it sit on the couch and watch TV. Never even offers to make me a cup of tea but l expects me to make him lunch.

My parents have noticed this for a while and discussed it with me last night which resulted in me crying saying I have had enough of it all.

I don't really no the point to my rambling I guess everything is too much and I don't know what to do

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 20/04/2021 12:14

He sounds absolutely dreadful
Kick the lazy arse out.
I think it’s so important for children to not normalise relationships like this also.

denverRegina · 20/04/2021 12:33

You haven't said anything good about him.

Get rid, there are no positives to him.

Candyfloss99 · 20/04/2021 12:35

100% you should split up, I am sure you will feel like a weight has been lifted.

billy1966 · 20/04/2021 13:25

Absolutely split up.

You allowed him to move in after 6 months when he needed a place to stay and a girlfriend to mind his children.

He's a waster.

And you are a mug.

You have been used.

Your self respect and esteem must be very low, not mind your relationship bar.

He needed someone to skivvy for his children and a place to stay.

You are worth so much more than this waster.

Get him out of YOUR home and stop allowing him to make a fool of you.

Get support from your parents and do not allow him to waste any more of your time and life.
Flowers

Bonheurdupasse · 20/04/2021 13:27

Get rid of him.
He’s completely taking advantage of you.

user1636853246842157 · 20/04/2021 13:28

End the "relationship " .

Lozzerbmc · 20/04/2021 13:30

He said he’d help YOU more with his own children by someone else. What a cheek! Shocking he leaves it to you but not surprising.

This situation will not get better as men dont change unless they want to and what man has ever wanted to do more household chores....?

RuggerDownHere · 20/04/2021 13:31

I think he needs to see the alternative. I would tell him that his lack of, well anything really, is making you think you would be better off apart so he needs to think about where he would move out to and how to facilitate a relationship with his son.

That should hopefully be the kick up the arse he needs. If not, well hopefully he knows about the RightMove website.

Candyfloss99 · 20/04/2021 14:20

What would he do if you just stopped getting the school uniforms and packed lunches ready?

Windmillwhirl · 20/04/2021 14:26

Please stop being a mug. He is an absolute user.

Naunet · 20/04/2021 15:04

What a lazy, useless prick. Get shot of him OP, he’s like a weight around your neck.
How will he react when you tell him to leave? Tears and empty promises?

Original poster
Loulou2208 · 20/04/2021 17:12

Thank you so much for your comments. When we argued about this before he threatened to take my son with him so I have been terrified this will happen.

I have had a long chat and lots of tears with my parents and realised that ending it is the only option now.

He gets his kids tomorrow for a few days so will have to wait until. Saturday to have the conversation and tell him he needs to pack his bags and leave. He can stay with his mum until he gets sorted.
I feel like as I am a lot younger he is walking over me and I need to realise I don't deserve to be treated like this. I would rather be single forever than still be in this relationship.

My brother is going to keep my son on Saturday when I tell him so that I don't have to worry about him threatening to take him.

Guess I just need to grin and bear these next few days!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 20/04/2021 17:52

OP,

He doesn't look after the children he has.
It should tell you exactly the scum he is that he would threaten you.

Get onto your local police station, tell them you want your abusive boyfriend out of YOUR home.
He has no rights.
Tell the police that he has threaten to take your child to stop you getting him out.

He is abusive.
Do nothing for the children for the next few days.
They are HIS children.
Visit your family and get support.

Could you leave the baby with your parents and bring your brother to get him out.

Don't hesitate to call the police.
You will be so relieved when he is gone.
Flowers

billy1966 · 20/04/2021 17:54

You were utterly targeted by him as a skivvy for his children with a home.

He has used you for 4 years.

Lozzerbmc · 20/04/2021 18:08

So he does nothing for the kids but said he’d take your baby with him... yeah right! of course he wont and how horrible of him to say that - what an idiot he is. You will be so much better losing that deadbeat from your life.

DinosaurDiana · 20/04/2021 18:13

Yep, you’d be better on your own. I’m sure you’ll be happier.

Fireflygal · 20/04/2021 18:36

He is very manipulative however I don't think phoning the police is the right course of action as he has PR.

When you say you work full time does he look after your son during that time?

At best he would get 50% access but if he doesn't bother with his older children he is unlikely to care for your son. He may just be using the threat to keep you under control so don't react if he threatens to take your son. Tell him that you are keen for him to see his son and when he has left you and him can work on a schedule.

How old are you? How much older is he?

It is incredibly common for separated dads to seek a single independent woman to keep house and look after his children. I have no doubt he was charming at the outset and probably for the first couple of years. Don't blame yourself, these men set out to deceive and prey on trusting women.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/04/2021 20:57

Do you have 4 kid or 3 op? Your previous posts on the subject suggest either! Hmmm

loosingmymind99 · 20/04/2021 21:39

I had a argument the back end of last week with my Dh over something very similar. He left to go to his mums because he said it was rude I called him lazy (perhaps it was, but he is) and he's still there! Has asked several times to come home but you know what, I'm loving life here, yes I'm doing everything but I was before. And theres no one's sitting on the sofa watching me to do it! The house is a lot more relaxed and I feel great. But what I'm saying is you might find it easier him not been there x

billy1966 · 20/04/2021 21:44

@loosingmymind99

I had a argument the back end of last week with my Dh over something very similar. He left to go to his mums because he said it was rude I called him lazy (perhaps it was, but he is) and he's still there! Has asked several times to come home but you know what, I'm loving life here, yes I'm doing everything but I was before. And theres no one's sitting on the sofa watching me to do it! The house is a lot more relaxed and I feel great. But what I'm saying is you might find it easier him not been there x
Good for you.👏

A lump on the sofa doing nothing and watching you do it all would be so bad for your stress levels.

loosingmymind99 · 20/04/2021 21:46

@billy1966 that's exactly right, I never knew how stressed he made me doing nothing till he wasn't here. House is well organised kids all happy and I'm sleeping better. Wish I'd called him lazy a long time ago lol

billy1966 · 20/04/2021 22:30

I have never read a woman on here regretful of having gotten a lazy waster out of the house.

They all say the load is lighter, you wouldn't think it would be, but it probably is because the stress of standing by and not killing someone who does nothing would weigh anyone down.🤣

Original poster
Loulou2208 · 21/04/2021 02:35

I have one child with him but he has 3 with someone else.

After lots of discussion with my family I ended up telling him tonight. I realised it would be too hard to pretend I was fine and put a front on it for the next few days.

He took it pretty well and packed an overnight bag and left. Obviously over the next few weeks I imagine things won't be as easy but I will get there.

I feel like a weight has been lifted and I have all the support of my family so I will get through this.

I am 29 and he is 40. Yeah he probably seen me coming for someone he could manipulate to his advantage but I have seen sense now.

I have my gorgeous wee boy and he is the most important person in the world

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 21/04/2021 02:38

This going to sound awful and I'm sorry to say it but he needed somewhere to live and that is all. He needs to move on and give you your life back

YukoandHiro · 21/04/2021 02:41

Well done OP. You've done the really difficult bit. It will get easier and I'm so glad your family are supportive. Sounds like maybe they've had their doubts for a while

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