Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DH is leaving, but says he's not 'leaving' confused...

46 replies

peachypretzels · 20/04/2021 10:05

Looking for options please. Have name changed so I don't out myself. Married 16 years, last few years things haven’t been the best, we have talked about ending it, or separating, but dh wants to stay married, and see if we can get back to how we were. We get on very well, just no regular intimacy, which I am not bothered about, and he has accepted. We lived in another country, his country, in Europe for a while, I hated it, I have a career, but as they wouldn’t accept my language level I wasn’t able to work. It was hard. We came back, life has been settled, me and dc very happy, back in work, dh hasn’t liked it being back. Dh says that his work want him to go back there, he knows me and 3 teenage dcs will not be going. He’s decided to go alone, and we will visit each other at weekends/hols when we can. I’m confused, he said he has to go otherwise he will lose his job, but hasn’t shown me anything in writing from his employer. My impression is he wants to go himself, and probably asked them to transfer him, but equally have no proof, aside from him saying his dream is to return there since we came back 3 years ago. He says he wants to work on us as a couple, I can’t help but feel that is untrue, as why would he be leaving us. If he wants to separate/divorce I am happy to do that but he says he doesn’t want that either. I feel something in my gut isn’t right here, I don’t know what he might be up to. I did file for divorce but it’s on hold atm, as he didn’t respond, and wants to give things a try. It’s all a bit odd. Dc are upset that he’s leaving. He keeps telling them it’s the only way for him to keep his job, which he has done here for 10 years, but apparently it’s no longer allowed. I want to understand what is going on, if I might be being manipulated in some way, but can’t see it. Please help me, what are your thoughts on this? What would you ask for/do to solve this? Thank you.

OP posts:

Cloudfrost · 20/04/2021 10:19

I think the what he wants and what he is thinking /planning is all irrelevant. YOU want a divorce, so you get divorced. He can not just unilaterally decide you will stay married when you don't want to. Just inform him that he can go back or stay that's his choice, but your choice is to not be with him anymore regardless of what he does. And that's that. While being uncooperative can delay the divorce, he cannot stop it from happening sooner or later

sunshine789 · 20/04/2021 10:21

I guess first of all you need to decide what do YOU want. Not to think here why he is doing this and that and what he wants.

If you want to save this marriage, then its a good thing that he says that he want to save it too. But saying is nothing. Has he actually done anything towards that? Its not really cleare what happen in your relations and if its fixable at all. If relations are totally dead, then it make sense to end them, instead of being mesarable but together.

Regarding him moving for work, I personally dont see here any problem, its normal for many couples, at the same time not acceptable for many other couples. So how is it for you?
If you want a divorce, it should be fine with you that he is leaving.
You asking for email from the employer sounds a bit controlling, dont you trust him for some reason?

Original poster

peachypretzels · 20/04/2021 10:25

@sunshine789
Thank you - yes there are trust issues, because the last time we moved to his country, he told me it was forced on him by his employer, but later admitted that he had sought out the opportunity, because he wanted us to live in his country.

I guess I am just worried that he is going there to start divorce proceedings, and will try to get dc sent there, or keep them when they visit. My solicitor has said he can't start proceedings elsewhere if they are already running here.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 20/04/2021 10:28

What stands out to me, is that your whole post is about trying to figure out what he means and what he wants. You don’t seem to have given what you want any thought at all. Do that. And take it from there.

Cloudfrost · 20/04/2021 10:28

If your children are teenagers, good luck to him forcing them to move to a country they don't want

Wegobshite · 20/04/2021 10:34

@ Cloudfrost
It’s hard enough getting most kids out of bed at the moment - let alone move country 😂

LadyDanburysHat · 20/04/2021 10:34

If he really wants to work on your marriage, why is he moving to another country? That is hardly going to help things. Have you expressed this to him?

I agree with others that you need to take control here and decide what you want. Don't let him decide what suits him and just go along with it.

ravenmum · 20/04/2021 10:34

If it's a European country then the Hague Convention on child abduction would prevent him from making the kids stay in his country; under the law, children can't be taken from their habitual place of residence, and if he does it anyway you could take legal action.

What is more likely is that he could file for divorce in his country and have to pay out less. You need to get international legal advice and make sure that it is on record properly that you have already filed in the UK.

sunshine789 · 20/04/2021 10:35

@peachypretzels

Ok, well, him lying about reasons previous time is not good at all and quite weird. You suppose to be a unit and everyones opinion and needs should be considered, not manipulated by his desires of living somewhere.

Its a good thing that he cant start any process there. But honestly, if you are in such bad relations for a while, why not to proceed with divorce? He would live in the country of his choice and you with your kids where its comfortable for you.

ravenmum · 20/04/2021 10:36

(That is, potentially a second opinion from someone with experience of the law in the other country, if your solicitor is only UK-based.)

Brookes99 · 20/04/2021 10:51

It sounds like he is homesick to me, which I'm sure you can appreciate after living abroad and then wanting to come home. I'd say, let him go and then figure out how you both feel after its settled.

provencegal · 20/04/2021 10:51

He wants to follow his dreams and lead a single life, but without the messiness and stress of divorce!

It doesn't work that way.

You either stay together and work on your marriage or you separate and divorce. He doesn't get to skip off and enjoy himself, leaving you to deal with everything.

In your position, I would choose divorce. You both sound entirely checked out, and you def sound as if you would be happier without him.

tenlittlecygnets · 20/04/2021 10:58

What do YOU want, op? I'd think about that, not what your h might want. Focus on you and the dc, and do what you can to keep you all secure and happy.

if your h has form for lying to move back to his country, I wouldn't trust what he says this time at all - and if the trust is gone, the relationship has gone.

C152 · 20/04/2021 11:02

Tell your solicitor to continue with divorce proceedings. Hopefully your husband moving to another country will count as 'unreasonable behaviour'. If not, ask your solicitor what your options are if your husband refuses to divorce.

There's general info about UK divorce here:

www.gov.uk/divorce

DoomscroIIer · 20/04/2021 11:03

File for divorce in the UK to secure custody and residency.
Also makes for a cleaner split finance wise and allows you access to help from UC if you struggle alone financially.
He wants to go home - understandable - but you have been a trailing spouse before and it didn't work for you. Covid restrictions makes travel harder but I think access/court documents with custody agreement allows kids to have grounds to travel. They are habitually resident here so should not be allowed to be taken if he is EU but I would still be wary - again, Covid is yout let out for now.
With Skype and Whatsapp, no problem keeping in contact face-to-face but if he is leaving for him, he needs to be the one who keeps in contact and travels back and forth. For residency implications and tax reasons, he needs to check how many days he can come back so as to not classify as ordinarily resident. Personally, I think, especially with working from home during Covid 19, that he is bullshitting about having to work in his home country. Would not believe that unless it was Brexit-related and even then I would want to see it in writing. Fool you once...

ravenmum · 20/04/2021 11:06

I agree with @Brookes99 that he probably just wants the same as you; to live in his own country. That's unfortunately just how it is when you have two nationalities - even if you speak the language fine, it doesn't mean you feel at home there, or that you can have the same success at work that you would have in your native tongue. And if the relationship is unfulfilling, then that's one less reason to stay in the foreign country.

Personally, I stuck it out so I could stay with the kids, and I've managed OK; but I know other mums and dads who have either gone back and see the kids in the holidays, or who have stayed near the kids, but are not happy.

denverRegina · 20/04/2021 11:25

It just isn't working out. That's all that is happening. You want different things.

He can't force the kids to go there with him and it all sounds very sad but you've both tried living in each other's countries and it hasn't worked out.

I think you've got a good opportunity to separate as a couple but remain friends and still be a family for your kids.

Jessbow · 20/04/2021 11:26

where were your children born?

mummymeister · 20/04/2021 11:52

He wants to have his cake and eat it. and at the moment, it looks like you are going to go along with this so he is probably very happy. He wants the single life. he wants to live in the country of his birth. he wants to play at families. he wants a wife there to give him support when he needs it. basically he wants to be in control of everything and for you to just suck it up. if you dont want to go along with this then just dont. Consult a solicitor and start proceedings. if he does really want to work on your relationship then he knows what he has to do. if he doesnt do it then his life and his happiness is more important to him that his life and happiness with you and the children. He is shouting this loud and clear OP. Its up to you to decide what is best for you and the children because basically he isnt going to row back from this position.

noirchatsdeux · 20/04/2021 11:54

I've posted on here many times about the utter mess my parents made of my childhood - my father is French (but bought up since early teens in the UK) and my mother is Australian. They met here but went back to Australia when pregnant with me.

My father never really settled in Australia (refused citizenship when it was offered) and just before I turned 10 took a job abroad...there followed 6 years of us going back and forth around the world....first we'd settle in the UK, then back to Australia, then somewhere else...it was utter hell. When I was 11 he even tried to trick my mother into taking myself and my two brothers to Australia, saying he would follow when his visa had been renewed...he'd actually arranged to stay in his job and had sorted out new accommodation! His plan fell apart on literally the last day when he got his passport with new visa back the morning we were leaving...

My point is that my father, like your husband, was only thinking of what he wanted during those years. We were a family in name only. My mother, even though she would have been fine financially etc, put her marriage to my father ahead of her children. We should have never left Australia in the first place...my father ultimately left my mother for OW 6 months after my younger brother turned 18.

I'd go ahead with the divorce, and keep your children in the UK. Your husband's words, in wanting to work on your marriage, are not matching his actions, which in the end are far more telling and important.

Devlesko · 20/04/2021 11:57

If he wanted to work at your marriage he'd stay. I'd continue with the divorce now. Why are you botherd about what/ why he's doing what he is.
Please don't let him dictate your life, anymore.

ravenmum · 20/04/2021 11:58

I doubt he's happy to be forced to either stay in a country he's not at home in, or leave his children behind. The people I know who have made that decision, either staying or leaving, have been very unhappy.

He doesn't want to break up, but he also doesn't want to live in the UK. That's not having your cake and eating it; it's the total opposite: being forced to choose one or the other, with no solution in which everyone is happy.

If OP is fine with a divorce, and has filed for divorce, all he's doing is desperately trying to stick his head in the sand and hoping it will magically get better.

TheSpottedZebra · 20/04/2021 12:06

I possibly recognise your posts, and if I'm correct you've all been in a kind of limbo as to in which country to live. If so, maybe this is his way of forcing a resolution? I could of course be thinking of someone else entirely!

Or he might want an easy way out, without being the bad guy. Or he might want to end the Relationship and not have to do childcare half the time. Or it could be that a divorce filed in his country would be financially beneficial to him (but probably not if it's where I'm presuming).

We can only guess. But all that is sort of irrelevant, as you need to think about what you want for you.

BonnyandPoppy · 20/04/2021 12:14

We spent many years in separate countries as a married couple and flew backwards and forward every weekend. We worked compressed hours so we could fly on Thursday evenings. It worked well for us though I know it’s not for everyone! We are now back living together full time for the last year.

YoniAndGuy · 20/04/2021 12:21

Just start the divorce again.

At the very least, you KNOW he is lying to you about the circumstances of the move.

You simply don't have to dance to his tune - know that, act on it, you have the power all in your hands.

Start proceedings again, he has no choice.
You are living with the children where you want to live, he has no choice in that either.

I would just start the divorce going again, and cheerily reply to ANYTHING he says that no, sorry, until you have written evidence from his employer that he has 'no choice' in going, then you'll simply assume he's lying like last time, and therefore it's divorce - not only because he's leaving, but because he can't be straight with you. Smile and shrug at any arguing against it, leave the room, just smile and nod.

There's nothing he can do. He can't force you to stay married, he can't force you to even listen to his nonsense.

As for the dc, no way would he be able to keep them in his country - not at the ages they are.

However, once again - because he's a liar, it necessitates precautions. Announce now that you are separated, start divorce proceedings, and also get a residency order that states that the dc live with you. Apply for maintenance.

He'll go mad, and you'll once again just shrug and say 'Then show me proof that your employer has ordered you to go overseas, as requested.'

Flip

1 2