Page 2 | DH is leaving, but says he's not 'leaving' confused...

peachypretzels · 2021-04-20T09:05:07+00:00

Looking for options please. Have name changed so I don't out myself. Married 16 years, last few years things haven’t been the best, we have talked about ending it, or separating, but dh wants to stay married, and see if we can get back to how we were. We get on very well, just no regular intimacy, which I am not bothered about, and he has accepted. We lived in another country, his country, in Europe for a while, I hated it, I have a career, but as they wouldn’t accept my language level I wasn’t able to work. It was hard. We came back, life has been settled, me and dc very happy, back in work, dh hasn’t liked it being back. Dh says that his work want him to go back there, he knows me and 3 teenage dcs will not be going. He’s decided to go alone, and we will visit each other at weekends/hols when we can. I’m confused, he said he has to go otherwise he will lose his job, but hasn’t shown me anything in writing from his employer. My impression is he wants to go himself, and probably asked them to transfer him, but equally have no proof, aside from him saying his dream is to return there since we came back 3 years ago. He says he wants to work on us as a couple, I can’t help but feel that is untrue, as why would he be leaving us. If he wants to separate/divorce I am happy to do that but he says he doesn’t want that either. I feel something in my gut isn’t right here, I don’t know what he might be up to. I did file for divorce but it’s on hold atm, as he didn’t respond, and wants to give things a try. It’s all a bit odd. Dc are upset that he’s leaving. He keeps telling them it’s the only way for him to keep his job, which he has done here for 10 years, but apparently it’s no longer allowed. I want to understand what is going on, if I might be being manipulated in some way, but can’t see it. Please help me, what are your thoughts on this? What would you ask for/do to solve this? Thank you.

dotdashdashdash · 20/04/2021 12:35

Stop worrying about why he is doing this, what his motives may be etc and worry about what you want.

Do you want to be married? If not, tell him you don't want to work on the marriage and proceed with the divorce.

He can't take the kids - they're teenagers. Make sure they have a bank account of their own and worst comes to the worst and he refuses to return them to airport, you go and get them, or you buy then tickets and give the money for a taxi. Do you have reason to believe he would keep them prisoner?

I actually don't think him going to work in a European country is that big of a deal, especially as he is from there. Sounds like he is home sick and has tried to make it work here, has waited for the kids to be fairly independent and then decided he can't be lonely/ miserable/ home sick any more.

Focus on you and what you want and dictate that to him. Accept that he may no remain with you in your country and if you are ok with that then divorce.

harknesswitch · 20/04/2021 12:53

You don't want to live with him in his home country, and he doesn't want to live in yours. Tbh if this is a perm arrangement then you might as well divorce. Especially as neither of you seem that committed to the relationship.

Give yourself a break, divorce him and move on with your life

billy1966 · 20/04/2021 13:08

Well the lie he told you re his job to get you to move was an enormous breach of trust.

I can't imagine remaining married to someone who had the whole family move country on a complete lie.

He is not trustworthy.

Decide what you want and go from there.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2021 13:14

I think he wants to live like a single man and not have to deal with a divorce. Stop allowing him to call all the shots, ffs.

Original poster

peachypretzels · 20/04/2021 13:16

Thank you everyone

@dotdashdashdash
@YoniAndGuy

He has said in the past that he should not have brought us back home. So this makes me suspicious. He has been asking dc about their school there, trying to convince them to go back with him. He's also asked me if it would help to burden me less as a single mum, if he took dc, or one of them at least, I said no.

He also tried to get me re-registered as a resident before the deadline on nye, I refused, resulted in an argument, cried self to sleep, as it was the only way to get away from him. He then sulked for a few days that I had missed out on an opportunity to be a resident, and the deadline had passed, he was very disappointed.

It would be financially advantageous for him to divorce from there.
Also, his family don't live there they all moved to another country when his parents retired. He is a loner, and doesn't know anybody there. In fact I have more ex-pat friends there the he's ever had.

The reason I am wondering his motives is because if he really wants to try to fix the marriage I would be willing to allow him the time, but if he is moving as some kind of stunt I want to know and end it.

Like you say his actions speak very loud, a man who wants to save his marriage and work on it doesn't voluntarily leave the country, yet disguises it as a work obligation.

He has bought a house there, but said my name couldn't be on the deeds as I refused residency. I assume he trying to make this an asset that wouldn't be considered in a divorce.

OP posts:

PriestessofPing · 20/04/2021 13:47

It’s not very easy to understand exactly what’s going on here but it’s starting to sound like he wants to get assets and the kids out in his country and then divorce you from there - keeping ‘his’ assets and the kids and you’re left high and dry. I’d be deeply suspicious if I were you.

giletrouge · 20/04/2021 13:51

@PriestessofPing

It’s not very easy to understand exactly what’s going on here but it’s starting to sound like he wants to get assets and the kids out in his country and then divorce you from there - keeping ‘his’ assets and the kids and you’re left high and dry. I’d be deeply suspicious if I were you.

I agree with this. I see red flags waving, and I'd be pulling back and being very careful if I were you OP. Good luck.

dreamingbohemian · 20/04/2021 13:57

If he really wanted to fix the marriage he wouldn't be leaving the country and buying a house on his own there! I think you need to get past this and just accept the marriage is over, I'm sorry.

File for divorce and get legal advice, especially re kids. It sounds like he's from an EU country in which case he can't 'steal' the kids but he could create a big drama by trying to do so. I would want to avoid sending them to him on holiday until everything is legally sorted but you need to get a lawyer's advice on that.

hellcatspangle · 20/04/2021 14:05

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it.

RandomMess · 20/04/2021 14:36

It sounds like it's all financially motivated.

Crack on with the divorce.

His house out there is a martial asset in English law. As it's clear you will be primary parent for 3DC you will get a decent share of the equity.

When working back there is he still paid via a UK company? I wonder if it means his pension will be untouchable or similar.

I think you need to press on and fast.

timeisnotaline · 20/04/2021 14:44

@peachypretzels

Thank you everyone

@dotdashdashdash
@YoniAndGuy

He has said in the past that he should not have brought us back home. So this makes me suspicious. He has been asking dc about their school there, trying to convince them to go back with him. He's also asked me if it would help to burden me less as a single mum, if he took dc, or one of them at least, I said no.

He also tried to get me re-registered as a resident before the deadline on nye, I refused, resulted in an argument, cried self to sleep, as it was the only way to get away from him. He then sulked for a few days that I had missed out on an opportunity to be a resident, and the deadline had passed, he was very disappointed.

It would be financially advantageous for him to divorce from there.
Also, his family don't live there they all moved to another country when his parents retired. He is a loner, and doesn't know anybody there. In fact I have more ex-pat friends there the he's ever had.

The reason I am wondering his motives is because if he really wants to try to fix the marriage I would be willing to allow him the time, but if he is moving as some kind of stunt I want to know and end it.

Like you say his actions speak very loud, a man who wants to save his marriage and work on it doesn't voluntarily leave the country, yet disguises it as a work obligation.

He has bought a house there, but said my name couldn't be on the deeds as I refused residency. I assume he trying to make this an asset that wouldn't be considered in a divorce.

Very much what yoniandguy says. You can’t trust him, and the risks of trusting him are very high. File for divorce here.

MrsArdvark · 20/04/2021 14:45

He tried to get you to make a false statement that you were legally and financially resident in his country before 31st December? That is so, so dodgy. He's also lying about the opportunity having passed because, unless you decided to divorce him, as the spouse of a national of that country you would be able to gain residency post-brexit anyway, if you wanted to. That's two big lies, with massive implications for you and the kids, that he's told. I fear you are very right to mistrust his motives

Mix56 · 20/04/2021 14:52

"He has bought a house there, but said my name couldn't be on the deeds as I refused residency. I assume he trying to make this an asset that wouldn't be considered in a divorce".

I think as his spouse you could claim half. However he has apparenty done it to attempt to swindle you out of money.

Original poster

peachypretzels · 20/04/2021 16:19

When I ask him any questions, he hardly answers, and usually says 'stop it' repeatedly. So I get nowhere.

OP posts:

giletrouge · 20/04/2021 16:34

So he's not interested in communicating and being clear about what he's doing OP.

How do you feel about giving up on him and going on with YOUR divorce procedings? Taking control of things on YOUR terms?

Original poster

peachypretzels · 20/04/2021 16:46

@giletrouge

Yes I give up. I ask one question, and he will say enough is enough, that I am picking on him, even says I am trying to intimidate him with questions, and that I am making him communicate when he doesn't want to, and that makes me controlling. I can't believe it sometimes, that he expects me to stay married to him, but I am not allowed an answer to a question. I ask things like are you leaving permanently or will you be coming back, and only once. But I am shut down, he is so avoidant. I don't want a husband who expects me to stick around but won't grant me basic communication.

OP posts:

YoniAndGuy · 20/04/2021 17:02

The reason I am wondering his motives is because if he really wants to try to fix the marriage I would be willing to allow him the time, but if he is moving as some kind of stunt I want to know and end it.

That sounds fair...

When I ask him any questions, he hardly answers, and usually says 'stop it' repeatedly. So I get nowhere.

Oh! Ok, I thought you said he wanted to fix the marriage. You must have misheard him OP, because someone wanting to 'fix' a relationship does not refuse to communicate with and shout down their partner for trying to discuss it.

Looks like you can safely start that divorce, because it is clear that he has no intention of 'fixing', only 'bullying'.

YoniAndGuy · 20/04/2021 17:05

[quote peachypretzels]@giletrouge

Yes I give up. I ask one question, and he will say enough is enough, that I am picking on him, even says I am trying to intimidate him with questions, and that I am making him communicate when he doesn't want to, and that makes me controlling. I can't believe it sometimes, that he expects me to stay married to him, but I am not allowed an answer to a question. I ask things like are you leaving permanently or will you be coming back, and only once. But I am shut down, he is so avoidant. I don't want a husband who expects me to stick around but won't grant me basic communication.[/quote]
Stop talking to him.

Re-start the divorce petition.

When he goes ballistic, just shrug and say - 'I don't want to be married to you any more. Why? Oh no reason. Don't feel like it. Hate your hair. Will that do?'

When he goes more ballistic, say - look, I've tried to discuss issues that are important to me with you and you either try and shut me down or say I'm controlling. So I've stopped. I don't want to talk any more. I'm done. I don't love you. You should be pleased, because you don't want to be with someone controlling, do you?'

Original poster

peachypretzels · 20/04/2021 21:39

@YoniAndGuy

Thank you so much
Also thank you for making me laugh.

Ps when I said to him 'you should be pleased, because you don't want to be with someone controlling' he replied it's okay because I understand you, and know it was your childhood that made you like that, I'll try to help you.
Added with no other man could put up with it, but I will because I love you so much, bla bla bla

OP posts:

MrsBobDylan · 20/04/2021 22:09

You don't trust him and I would say with good reason.

Stop looking for proof, it is a waste of valuable time. Start divorce proceedings.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 20/04/2021 22:35

Pack his bags and say (to quote one of my favourite ever posts on MN) " off you fuck cuntychops "
It sounds like he's already gone in spirit anyway.