Ended short relationship over logistical problems. Too hasty?

[Yellowhighheels]

Hi all,

I was hoping for some advice.

I'm mid 30s, have been OLD for 3 years wanting a partner and family and have made very few real connections. One was a couple of months ago, a really clever and interesting man. We bubbled, were exclusive, had a lot of great times and he even said he loved me.

However I have ended it due to a big logistical problem coming up. I have been accepted to a uni 2/3 hours from him to retrain. It's a huge opportunity and I never dreamed i would get in. He has a provisional offer for a job that to be honest is too good to turn down. There aren't many jobs in his profession and it would be difficult to find something near my course. We are both quite career (not money, more fulfillment) and academically focused but also a real match romantically and in terms of outlook, interests, sex, etc.

Given that we are likely at an impasse (I can't give up my course, there isn't one nearer, and I know he won't find another opportunity quite as big as this), am I being too hasty in calling time given that I don't start until the autumn, or would you say it is best to get the painful bit out of the way now while the relationship is still new?

I don't think long distance is realistic given it is a very demanding course plus I am thinking about children (people quite often have babies during training) and am not getting any younger.

He has suggested we carry on as we are for now, and he would keep an open mind although realistically I think he would pick the job (sorry to be one of those MNers who vaguely allude to a mysterious but very niche profession, it is actually a very well known job, just low turnover, underfunded and few really exciting opportunities).

I wouldn't be looking for anyone else in my current town as I don't want a repeat of this. In terms of us carrying on, it would be exclusive etc, not just FWB, but I can see it being a lot more hurtful in 6 months if he doesn't change his mind.

I know the relationship was extremely short and the move is a big spanner in the works, I just don't meet many men that I really feel anything for and am not sure if it is worth continuing to explore/ enjoy this, or at least approaching him with the conversation.

Sorry for the essay, I just needed to get this out!

I think you are being hasty about it. 2-3 hrs distance is not that bad, you can still spend a weekend together here and there. Also you don't start until autumn, by then you may have found you are incompatible in other way, or you aren't that interested in him anyways. How likely are you to think what ifs about the relationship if u break up now? Personally I think if you are interested let things run its natural course and see what happens.
If the course is so intensive then realistically it doesn't matter if u are in the same town or not since you would have a busy schedule.

Agree with @Cloudfrost. You have been too hasty. 2-3 hours isn’t such a big deal in the scheme of things. Let things run their natural course.

How long is your retraining course? If it’s a year then I can’t see why you can’t do long distance and by the time you finish you’ll be at a point where commitment and kids will be on the table. If it’s three years then it’s more of a permanent LDR but some people do manage to have longterm committed relationships while working apart - including kids! - so if you think he might be the one for you then I wouldn’t let logistics get in the way of pursuing that.

Thanks everyone, I am starting to agree. It's a 4 year course so pretty long

I actually disagree with above posters. I think it's better to end things now if you can already see a big massive road block in future.

I guess you could argue that in 6 months time things might have changed. But realistically our us likely that all that will have changed is you will be more attached. And tempted to give up your dream for him.

It can be hard to walk away from a nice thing. But but a huge roadblock ahead that you an already see...shows that he is just not the man for you.

You arent ok with long distance, or just a bit of fun in the meantime, or giving up your move. So he just isnt suitable. I think you made the smart move.

*it is likely that all that will have changed

I think you’re doing the right thing before you get more attached.

If he ended up being a great partner and father . . . you got married and had kids.

To me that is /was always the thing I’d regret not having the most.

Having said that you can start your course, Autumn is a long way yet. Could you come back every other weekend, train links good?

I’d say see how it goes.

Two things you should never compromise on: your dreams and your boundaries.

You're right there wanderlusto I a
100% won't be giving up this dream, it's taken too much to get even this far. In terms of boundaries, if I did talk to him about dating further, I suppose it would be about looking for a workaround or seeing if anything does change on his side. I would be firm that I do not want to be considered a casual FWB, or either of us be dating others.

Definitely doing the right thing before getting more attached!

I don't think long distance is realistic given it is a very demanding course plus I am thinking about children (people quite often have babies during training) and am not getting any younger.

I'm not sure I follow this.

Is the course too demanding to sustain a romantic relationship but ok to have children, or is he just not the right person with whom to have children while on this course ?

I'm pretty career/fulfilment driven, as are most of my friends. LDR tend to be the price we pay so I would expect to heave a good one overboard just because you will be apart. If you want to have DC while on this course with someone local then of course, the sooner you start looking for someone the better.

I think it could work - lots of older student couples seem to manage it? And for your joint future both of you advancing career-wise is a good thing.

I'd start looking at logistics and systems now - trains, remote studying and working, finances...

You'll both need to pick a location where you can both host easily etc so for weekends you can just turn up and "get on with your work".

If you're older you're not going to want to be going out clubbing in your university town at the weekend are you?

There'll often be big chunks of time where you're just revising so with most resources online you can spend time away.

Plus if both of you have challenging jobs/courses for your mental health having someone decent and supportive you get on with could be a very good thing.

Also, with COVID you might not even need to be there some of the year.

Best to end it now. If you'd been together a few years already then I'd try long distance but 4 yrs is a long time. How long before either of you get fed up of the travelling. You'll both probably meet someone else. Save yourself the heartache and give yourself 100% to your new life and opportunities.
The cynical part of me thinks he's happy to continue til you leave as he gets his leg over. He's happy to bury his head in the sand and ignore the inevitable.

When you say 2 - 3 hour distance, is that public transport or driving? It’s not really an insurmountable distance either way - before Covid, I commuted almost two hours each way every day for work; I have colleagues who did longer. If you wanted to give things a go, you can still see each other at weekends; long term, you could relocate to somewhere midway between where he works and you study.

If you think it’s all too difficult logistically then fair enough, but it seems rash to call time now on somebody who you seem to really like, because several months into the future you’ll need to travel a bit to see each other.

Demanding four year course and finding a suitable partner (husband? ) to have babies with in those 4 years. All right then....

Can I have some of what you are taking? It sounds just what I need right now.

Sorry, I just believe something somewhere always gives....

Keep on dating the bloke. Life is unpredictable.

Are there any Unis that offer the same course nearer his work? Once you have been accepted into a course at one uni, it's often possible to transfer into the same course at another uni.

At mid 30s and wanting kids, given that your relationship is good, I'd be thinking about ways to try and make it work.

Another one who can't see the problem in a 2-3 hour distance. I understand studying will take up a lot of your time but surely you could share the weekend travel and spend some of those together. If you're not going to date during your 4 years at uni, and you want a baby then surely it makes sense to try and make it work with him? 4 years is a long time, is the relationship worth the extra effort?

Selkie unfortunately not, it's not a course offered many places so the one I'm going to is probably the closest

Comtesse its roughly that for both driving and public transport (driving more the 2 hour end and PT longer). I think it's doable but I have done long distance before further than that for years. It was a lovely relationship and ended for non-logistical reasons but I did crave proximity

Itsnotloveactually good guy though he is, I sort of worry about that, that it's nice company, sex etc. but not quite enough feeling there to make it work long term. It's only been a couple of months to be fair and without the big problem I wouldn't be thinking this way

Personally (because I dont want kids and am happy just to enjoy good company as and when for whatever it is) I would probably treat it as something fun that had a shelf life of 6 months. And if I was single after my degree I might pick it up again with him.

But as you are looking for something lasting and you have a dream to pursue I think that he is more of a risk than a reward, if that makes sense.

It also sounds like he is suggesting a relationship, but I guarantee you he does not intend to be the one to give up his opportunities for you in 6 months time. So he knows you are the one that will have to make the hard decisions.

That's why I say I think youd be smarter to walk away now.

As pp said however, it might be that something has to give in future as we cant always have everything we want.

I think 2-3 hours is nothing (but then I travel 3 hours to work part of the week in normal times!). When Dh and first started dating, 6 months in, I moved 11 hours away (long haul flight) to start a very intense PhD programme. We managed just fine. I did 2 years there and then managed to base my research back in the UK. We got married shortly after that and had first dc the next year.

Life is short. You might as well enjoy it and see what happens. You have 6 months and a lot can happen in 6 months. Even still you can manage to see each other every weekend as you won’t be far from each other and that is about as much as most busy working people see anyone they’re dating. It’s absolutely worth just seeing what happens.

@Yellowhighheels it could be worth continuing the relationship long distance for the time being considering how hard it is to find someone to click with but if and ONLY if he's on the same page as you regarding timescales for marriage and kids AND he sees you as a long term prospect assuming things continue going well. At mid 30s you have absolutely no time to waste. So you need to have a proper discussion now if that's the case.

It's easy for him to say to continue it since he loses nothing and only gains by continuing to have convenient sex and companionship , yet he can easily move on from you at any point and have marriage/kids with a younger woman who he wants to commit to. I would be worried about him saying "keep an open mind". If he's keen on you as a potential long term prospect I would expect he would be more positive than that

It's great and positive you both click now 2 months in but it's the honeymoon period and you still need to figure out critical things about him such as is he a self sacrificing person who would make a good husband and dad.

If you both were serious about each other and getting to know each other more I would imagine you would spend at least part of every weekend together plus at least one day/evening a week perhaps meeting somewhere in the middle to have a few hours together.

In the meantime if another suitable local man happened to crop up who you clicked with, I would be sensible and ruthless and leave him to go for the other guy. Men would do the same if fertility roles were reversed.

I would also seriously think how big a priority finding and getting married to a suitable guy is/having kids is for you. You really are at critical point fertility wise considering you've not yet got a man who's ready to TTC with you.

What would you regret more in ten years time ...no marriage/biological kid(s) or having to delay your course by 5 years? Relationships take time to nurture so if you think the course demands would set you back being able to spend quality time on a relationship that could be a huge concern. And once you miss the boat for kids then that's it for life for a woman (unless you adopt of course). Careers in contrast can always wait.

Thanks Livba a lot to think about there. Unfortunately I can't really delay the course without risking losing out. The entry exam score does not remain valid (plus is very tough) and you only have 2 cycles to apply so if I tried again and say, messed up the interview, then I would miss out completely.

When he said keep an open mind, it was very much about giving up his opportunity or looking for others, rather than keeping an open mind about me as such. In all honesty though, we are both quite self-sufficient people and I don't see him limiting his prospects in this way. Without being outing and saying what it is, these really are life changing opportunities for both of us.

Children and a family is a big priority for me and I hate the fact that I am in this position at this age. I didn't imagine OLD would be so fruitless for 3 years as I'd always had good relationships before. Lockdown has been terrible timing as well for me and others at this age.

It's hard to say what I would regret more, the career or children, taking this man out of the equation as of course that may not work out anyway. I suppose with children, although it's a real longing, I have never had them so wouldn't know exactly what I was missing whereas i do have a career but this one would be a lot more fulfilling. That said, work does not compare to family and personal fulfillment, really. Impossible call.

I agree that I wouldn't embark on an LDR without firm timescales in place (assuming things go well).

I think the problem with it being so new is that it's very hard to gauge strength of feeling or how that will develop, but a good, new relationship is always an absolute bastard to get over and I know it will be really painful either now or in the autumn if we don't continue.

Agree with PPs 2-3 hours isn't so bad, especially when there is an end date even if it is 4 years time, if I liked the guy that much I'd definitely give it a try at least, what's the worst that can happen? You decide it's not working and end it?