Normal life is exhausting

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

I'm struggling. works insane 2 of the 4 managers are out long term sick and I ahve a big project starting this week. I'm covering and pulling long hours.
I have a toddler whose pushing boundaries and who I've snapped at more than I should.
I'm studying for a work based qualification which work are paying for and have 2 exams in a month.
I have zero time I'm either at work or with ds and then exhausted.
Dp says I'm being really snappy with him which tbf I am and I know I am. I just can't make any more decisions in a day, its not in me to do. I can't remind him what to buy from the shops or when to cut the grass or what to dress ds in or what o pack in his bag.
I'm starting to worry that I'm actually just not a very nice person and it's bringing me down. I dont know what else I can do to cope better in life but I feel I'm not coping. I m starting to think everyone would be better off without me around, which isn't a pleasant thought process.
Also I know this is just life and what life is, so I should be coping better as nothing has really happened but I'm struggling.
I can't say this to anyone in real life as they all say well everything's fine it's just normal and they are right.

Is it possible to create some space? Speak with your managers and see if the project deadlines can be moved and/or more temporary help is brought in.
Speak to your husband and see if he can pick up some of the load and finally defer your exams and put them back until you are able to find the time to commit to them.
If you can do any of these then it would be worthwhile.

Sometimes we put ourselves on a treadmill where we think we have to keep running faster but the destination never seems to get any closer. It is normal to have times in your life where it becomes overwhelming and at that point it is absolutely ok to say 'I need help'. This is not a weakness it is a strength.

everything's fine it's just normal and they are right.

Is it normal, though? Because I can see several things in your quite brief post that aren't normal to all happen at once!

• Colleague sickness leaving you to cover work over and above your pay grade, which I assume is more high-stakes than your everyday duties
• Working over your contracted full time hours on the regular
• Studying for a qualification
• Revising for exams
• Parenting a toddler
• Parenting a man-child

Any ONE of those on top of your normal job would put extra on your plate.

This lot combined is not just a lot on your plate, it's a bloody all-you-can eat buffet of stress!!

It is now at the point where you are having dark thoughts and that is NOT sustainable. Anyone telling you to just suck it up and get on with it can be firmly told to get to fuck.

First of all, can anything be arranged at work to take some of the pressure off? Studying/revising whilst also covering not just one but TWO managers is doomed to fail. I would be going to someone at work (whoever you're currently reporting to in the absence of your own manager) and asking for some changes to be made. Off the top of my head, I'd suggest asking if the qualification could be postponed to a later date once the managers you're covering are back at work. OR, that you continue studying, but someone else takes the lion's share of the cover duties/time. OR, you get allocated X hours per week in your schedule where you go away from everyone else somewhere and study, uninterrupted, for that time.

Then to sort the home life. Your DP needs to get off his arse and cover you, while you are trying to better yourself at work for the benefit of the whole family. If he sees your relationship as teamwork (which it should be) then he should be eager to step up and do extra during this time. Because ultimately he, and his child, will be reaping the benefits further down the line.

I know it's frustrating to have to allocate work to him and explain how to do the most basic of tasks, but if you don't do it now, he's going to remain a net negative on the household forever. He MUST step up now, and let's be honest, he should WANT to if he values and loves you and doesn't want to see you struggling.

If he's happy to sit on his arse while you run around doing everything, well - that's not a man I could respect, or would want to be with.

Please try to carve out some time for yourself this week to just sit and be. No demands, no phone calls, no toddler tantrums, no "but what shall I do with this bag of rubbish? Put it where? Oh, does it go in the bin? Shall I put it in there, then? Well you have to tell me these things or I won't know!" (as you can probably tell.... been there, done that!)

Try to offload some stuff as a priority, but if you continue to feel so overwhelmed, please speak to your GP. A course of ADs during this very trying time is not a bad thing.

You need to tell work that you can't cope with the increased workload that you are extremely stressed and in danger of going off sick.

That is the only thing that you can change unless you defer your studies.

Are your colleagues off for stress related reasons ? If they are then your employers seem to be expecting to much from their staff.

You’re not a horrible person you’re an overworked on and something needs to give.

Google the mental load.

Yes both off due to stress but tbh it's home life largely related due to covid impacts which I understand.
The project can't be delayed sadly. I have a meeting this week and I'm going to edevour to get temporary cover in for at least some of the tasks.
Dp does do some things eg washing up but anything vaguely adult eg food shop or task orinatated he need instructions. I need to stop snapping and just say do this but it's hard when your frazzled.
Thanks to everyone, I was starting to feel a bit dramatic for not coping but I really am not.
I'm supossed to be starting kitchen works soon on house but I'm tempted to leave it for a while as I think the mess etc will push me over the edge.

Yes do everything you can to make life easier for yourself. Your partner urgently needs to grow up and take up some slack. Do not create more stress with home improvements. Take a long hard look at work. Forget about trying to look good and promotions, preserve yourself. You are important, you are vital, look after yourself! You are not failing, just the opposite.

Delay the kitchen, tell DH that he is taking over xyz including the mental load and then no criticism when he gets it "wrong".

Your partner is perfectly capable but way do things differently to you let him deal with it.

Thanks. Good advice and I will let go and make dp take charge a bit more

Your work are taking the piss big time, why are you covering 2 managers? Are you being paid extra, I hope so. Let me guess nhs.

To but similar so public sector. I get very angry when everyone tell me how lazy public sector workers are... We bloody aren't. Works insane and I've been in throughout covid.

Op look up the cup theory of stress, yours is overflowing which means you have limited mental bandwidth for anything else, hence the snapping. Tell work you need help over the extra cover.

@Pleaseaddcaffine www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/wellbeing/keep-your-stress-bucket-from-overflowing

So basically, work and parenting etc is absolutely massively hard at the moment, you're feeling overwhelmed. But instead of stepping up to help you and lessen your load, your DP is annoyed because instead of being all sweet and pathetically grateful while you give him a list of tasks that a normal adult could figure out alone, you're snapping at him?

If he's also very very busy at work, overwhelmed etc, then I'd say as a couple you need to find alternative solutions - let certain things go (eg more takeaways/ready meals, less cleaning), employ outside help (cleaner/childminder/housekeeper etc).

If he's just being useless and pathetic, then you need a calm conversation in which you agree he will take on more of the home stuff. You will no longer lead on those things and he will be expected to do it. I think the trick here is that you have to agree that you're not going to lose it if it's done differently to how you would do it. However, I do think you need to agree some level of acountability/minimum standards. eg if he's going to step up to do the shopping and cooking, you don't get to bitch because he makes spaghetti a certain way but he can't serve up chicken nuggets and chips three days in a row.

He can't cook at all so if I left him he would do chips or toast everyday. He's self employed so works every day Inc all weekend. That's part of the issue I'm either at work or with the toddler alone.

You should not feel bad about not coping, I could not handle everything you're dealing with! It's A LOT. Be kind to yourself.

It sounds like the root of a lot of this is your DP. Can't do a food shop, can't cook, works all the time -- no wonder you are so frazzled. I would also find it hard not to snap at someone who needs instructions to do the most basic things.

You probably don't have the energy right now but long-term I think you need to reevaluate your relationship. You are supposed to be a team, he is not doing his fair share.

Short-term: do not start the kitchen works and see if you can defer your exams. Work cannot be upset if you delay your qualification because you are covering so many extra hours.

So how well is his self employment going?

Earning enough to work a 5 day week? Earning enough to pay for a cleaner?

Do you earn more than him?

Something needs to give and on the surface it appears to be his workoholic attitude? It is it an excuse to escape family responsibilities?

So, if he's also working all the hours, then as a couple you need to sit down and agree how to make this sustainable. I'm sure he is earning plenty and wants to take on his fair share

So, now's the time to consider, at the very least, some childcare for your child. Preferably childcare that also involves your toddler being fed a few days a week.

If you're both busy then he has to carve out some time for non-work stuff, it can't just be you. If he can't cook (and I assume therefore he can't meal plan/shop?), fine, but then he needs to step up to do the cleaning/childcare runs/whatever is needed. Also if your'e in charge of food, figure out what you can do to simplify this even if it is just a lot more ready meals (you can get a lot that are relatively healthy and balanced these days).

If between you, you earn enough, time to discuss what help you can buy in.

Dp does do some things eg washing up but anything vaguely adult eg food shop or task orinatated he need instructions. I need to stop snapping and just say do this but it's hard when your frazzled

I’d be snapping too. Unless he has a significant learning or physical disability he needs to grow the fuck up and learn how to shop and cook some basic meals. Can he work the internet ? If so there’s no excuse. Really there’s not.

Toddler goes to childcare already. Dp drops as I start work at 6am and the. I pcik him up at 4. I then to play dinner Bath story and dp puts him to bed.
Sat Sunday I have him all day till bedtime again.
I agree chores and splitting the mental load is key, it's the planning organising, bags appointments and all the other crap
Thanks everyone for suggestions.
I've spoken to work today too and we have a plan will be a few weeks but there is now at least a plan

That sounds promising OP

It's important to stand up for yourself, you shouldn't be drowning because other people can't get their shit together

Does his employment make enough to only work 5 days per week?
Who is bringing in the most income?

Why are you doing all of the childcare all weekend?
Is DP working all weekend, every weekend? You need at least a few hours to yourself every week. What you are describing is not sustainable op. You will be the next one to drop.

Work need to rein it in
Build in actual time off from everyone and everything, this is essential
Delegate like mad

I do by a long way at just under 40k and yes he works every single weekend

Then he needs to take a day off at the weekends and give you half a day break.

Does he work 7 days per week?

Is his employment actually paying him above minimum wage?

Is it you again with the DP with the hobby job that contributes nothing in terms of money and time?

Please wake up and recognise he is a cocklodger!!! If you split you would get EOW to unwind.

You would have a spare room for an au pair or lodger that actually contributes more than they cost!