Normal life is exhausting

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

I'm struggling. works insane 2 of the 4 managers are out long term sick and I ahve a big project starting this week. I'm covering and pulling long hours.
I have a toddler whose pushing boundaries and who I've snapped at more than I should.
I'm studying for a work based qualification which work are paying for and have 2 exams in a month.
I have zero time I'm either at work or with ds and then exhausted.
Dp says I'm being really snappy with him which tbf I am and I know I am. I just can't make any more decisions in a day, its not in me to do. I can't remind him what to buy from the shops or when to cut the grass or what to dress ds in or what o pack in his bag.
I'm starting to worry that I'm actually just not a very nice person and it's bringing me down. I dont know what else I can do to cope better in life but I feel I'm not coping. I m starting to think everyone would be better off without me around, which isn't a pleasant thought process.
Also I know this is just life and what life is, so I should be coping better as nothing has really happened but I'm struggling.
I can't say this to anyone in real life as they all say well everything's fine it's just normal and they are right.

It is but this isn't about him as its been bad recently and he hasn't changed if u see what I mean. Work has and other preasures.

But he is moaning about you being snappy though rather than you being able to ask for him to do his share and then go do it.

There is zero team work in your relationship.

If things are stressful at work for me then DH asks what he can do to help. When the DC were young he just got on and helped out.

Get him to do ALL the laundry?

He can learn, he can use the internet.

He can learn to make 3 decent meals and cook them on rotation. He can arrange to be home when the food shop is delivered and put it away.

He could be responsible for DS nursery bag, letters, Dr and dentist appointments.

There is tonnes he could do.

I remember you.

You sound so stressed and fed up. Something has got to give before you end up in hospital.

You're so clever and have so much going for you. I wish you could see how much the DP has been an anchor on you. A man who truly cares about your and his DS would have gave up the hobby job and gotten something else.

He would be spending time with you both. He would step up asking how he can help you. You have a responsible job and studies to go further at work.

I have to ask what he does for you and your son to make your lives better and easier?

Works much better I have p/t help and the projects launched now which randomly is easier than setting it up. Thanks everyone for advice.
Dp has been really down saying he's stressed and no time for work. Which I don't understand.
This is our pattern:
Monday: I start work at 6. Dp has ds usually in bed till 8.30 or 9am.drops to childminder. Dp then goes to work. Then normally I pick ds at 4 do normal stuff and then bed at 7. Dp gets back at 6.30 to say night and then goes back to work.
Tues: same as Monday but dp pick his older 3 from school at half 3 and doesn't go back to work. Will do laptop work 9pm till1am after his older ones in bed.
Wed: same as Monday for me but I'm in office so back at 5pm. Dp does school run drops ds to childminder at 9.30 and picks him up at 4.
Thursday: my short day 6 till 10.30 or 11am. I have ds when I finish until his bedtime. Dp then goes to work and back at 7pm ish to say night to ds.
Friday: same as Thursday.
Sat: dp goes to work 9 ish or 10 till 7
Sunday : same as Sat
If its his contact weekend then he doesn't work weekend as I won't look after all 4 alone unless it's an emergency.

I've offered to try and extend childcare hours but dp can't afford half the bill. But even without this I've said dp doesn't need to be back for bedtime but he chose to be which is fine and good for ds.
I think that's laods of hours at work at week but he says it's not enough and is really down.

He's pressuring you to take on paying for extra childcare, looking after his DC on the weekend, you do all the housework.

He wants even more of a free pass to come and go as he pleases, do less work and more of his hobby.

You are not permitted to be more stressed or down than him he needs to be #1 and the victim.

Imagine how much less stressed he would be and how he'd have more money if he was employed 40 hours per week on NMW!

I'm concerned about him as its not nice not to be coping, as I've felt like that this last month or so. If I can help my partner then I obviously will.
But I honestly think that is a lot of available work hours and he could extend them by not doing bedtimes with ds as he does mornings and ds doesn't care.
I'm also getting concerned about the lack of family time as a unit for me him and ds but I know that is sorta normal so times for families when kids are little.

He continues making appalling choices about keeping his hobby job then you wonder why he is stressed?

He needs to work a ridiculous amount of hours because there is no money in his job. You tot up how many hours he is working and his approximate income - say he needs to earn £200 per week then he probably needs to work 30 hours per week just to earn that.

I have no idea what he actually earns a year and when I ask he says he doesn't know. He pays his maintenance to exw and his half of our bills so I can't complain on that front. But his living costs are low so I am conncerned he has zero savings and seems to be short of money frequently.
Ultimately he does need to work but I am concerned that the hours he has are not enough as he appears to be working lots of hours for very little.

He has to know what he's earning. Unless he's permanently dodging HMRC he has to be filing yearly tax documents as someone who is self employed. You need to figure this out. Really lay out the timetable but it sounds like he is using work as an excuse to dodge everything but the easy bits.

Clearly not earning enough as despite very low loving costs he is struggling despite working a ridiculous amount of hours.

He doesn't want to tell you what he earns because it suits his narrative to keep you in the dark about it.

He's either wasting money on his hobby and doesn't want to admit it or doesn't want to admit how little he earns when it's something ridiculous like £5 per hour.

OP, I mean this kindly but you seem determined to brush over his choices and behaviour. From your last update:
“ I'm concerned about him as its not nice not to be coping, as I've felt like that this last month or so. If I can help my partner then I obviously will. ”

YOU’VE been struggling for a long time, why hasn’t he wanted to help you? Why are you so willing to support a man who does not offer you any support at all? As the saying goes, you are setting yourself alight to keep him warm. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership and the person should enhance your life. I’m not sure what this man brings to yours, other than a lot of stress. I suspect you would be happier without him - you sound very capable so why tether yourself to someone like this? He’s not going to change, the current set up benefits him enormously. You deserve so much more 💐

I don't understand how you can live with someone, have a child with them and not have any idea of what their financial situation is or even what exactly it is he's doing all day for work? You really need to be having some proper conversations!

I ask he says I don't know, I ask again, he says I don't know as it varies.
Repeat.
He says why does it matter as he pays all his required bills.

He says why does it matter as he pays all his required bills

It matters because you are running yourself into the ground to keep the family financially afloat and to do all the chores and childcare.

He's not just there to pay half of the bills. There is a LOT more to keeping a relationship, household and family going.

But he can't afford to pay for more childcare and he doesn't contribute to the wear and tear and maintenance on your house despite him living in it rent free and having his 3 other DC there regularly.

Oh and sometimes he runs out of money.

🤷🏽‍♀️

OP, go off sick with stress. It's IMPOSSIBLE for you to juggle everything that's on your plate now. Your managers have understandably gone off sick and are understandably not back yet despite them facing less stress than you. Why destroy yourself and your mental health for the sake of work? Once you're gone they'll replace you like a flash. Focus on your precious self and family. Also the Samaritans are free to call for a chat to offload ( you don't need to be suicidal to call)

What you're describing as a "normal" life is certainly not normal in terms of all the pressures on you at once.

Stuff in place and I have a few days off and I'm feeling much much better and caught up on studies now.
Thanks to everyone on here for advice.
Dp is extremely down and struggling so not coming away with me and dc now but I'm looking forward to a few days at the beach which will probably be in the rain but still fun xx

Make a chart of what DS needs in his bag each day and stick it on the wall. DH can refer to it from then on. Never to ask you again.

Tell DH you are especially stressed because of exams and please can he just pick up easy to cook healthy food for the next two weeks without asking you what to get, while you concentrate on preparing for the exams.

I just stopped at some point. I had just had enough when DC were small and stopped being the only person who knew and did everything. DH wandered around looking puzzled and hurt for a while and I just waited until he got the hang of a good 50% of what I did.