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Original poster

My partner’s dog is dying and I am struggling

37 replies

16thousand · 20/04/2021 06:03

I am in a 2 year relationship with my partner and we live separately in different cities - me in London. We are both divorced and have DC from previous marriages. We have been in a pattern of my DP visiting me in my city for 3 days and 2 nights a week (convenient for him because of work.)

This week it looks like my DP’s dog is dying and he is extremely upset, more upset than I have ever seen him. He has had her for the last 14 years. I am doing my best to support him, and understood when he told me he will probably not come to see me this week as he needs to be with ddog.

Only I find out yesterday from him that he is coming to London during the day today to meet a (female) old friend who is also a client of his. I know from the past, they have a slightly flirtatious relationship but nothing has happened. They are meeting in the capacity of work/catching up / not seen each other since March 2020 lockdown.

I feel a bit hurt that he would come for this and not to see me. When I expressed this to him, he suggested I come to his friends’ house too and he would ask if he can bring me along but he made it clear this would be a big effort on his part to ask to bring me, and he has “so much on his plate” with ddog dying. I said don’t worry about it etc, as didn’t want him feeling more stressed.

DP’s justification for just coming to for the day to see his friend is because it is during the day and he needs to get back for ddog in the nighttime. I understand, but why not come to see me? I have offered to go and stay with him but he says he wants it to be time alone with him and ddog.

Am I being spoilt to feel a bit upset about this? I have not asked him about any of this, nor expressed my feelings, as I am worried about coming across as not caring when I can see he is genuinely in bits about his dog.

But then I am sure he will be laughing and joking with his friend over lunch today.

How would you suggest I express this so as not to appear like I don’t care, but also get my view across?

OP posts:
Iheartbed · 20/04/2021 06:13

You’ve already expressed it to him though (4th paragraph), then you say you haven’t talked to him about it? (6th paragraph)
He’s only coming for the day to see his friend and then going back after. Would you be so bothered if it was for a different friend?

Original poster
16thousand · 20/04/2021 06:19

Well I suppose I don’t want to push it by talking to him about it again or dying in a ditch about this as I know it might look like I am not empathetic about the dog.

I would understand if he came more in a work context - so for a work meeting, which he does anyway. But while he is a professional contact of sorts, this visit is purely personal / friendship

OP posts:
Original poster
16thousand · 20/04/2021 06:20

While she is a professional contact of sorts

OP posts:
breakingupslowly · 20/04/2021 06:24

I would be upset about this too. If he wanted to make time for you, he would. Just like he is doing with her. Sorry I know that’s harsh.

Iheartbed · 20/04/2021 06:26

Personally I don’t think I would be bothered about him seeing his friend if they haven’t seen each other in a while. And, as you say, he’s extremely upset about his dog, so I would just leave him be for the time being and don’t kick up a stink.

Shelddd · 20/04/2021 06:35

@breakingupslowly

I would be upset about this too. If he wanted to make time for you, he would. Just like he is doing with her. Sorry I know that’s harsh.
I don't know, could be that the friend doesn't know about the dog dying and it's a bit of escapism... Not sure if OP knows if that's the case or not.
niceupthedance · 20/04/2021 06:40

Surely you are both allowed friends?

DianaT1969 · 20/04/2021 06:55

Plan a couple of nice days for yourself this week with your own friends. Be less available in future and dee how your relationship goes.
I'm a strong believer in being able to keep own friends.
However, he may take you for granted a bit now. Using your place because it's easy for work doesn't require much effort on his part.
Who used to look after his dog while he stayed with you in London?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/04/2021 07:20

But presumably he hasn't seen his friend for a long time whereas he sees you every week.

I think you are being quite precious about this and I would NOT be impressed if a partner insisted that if I was near them geographically then I should always pop and see them. His life should not revolve around you (and the same goes vice versa of course!)

That's even BEFORE you add in the poor dog dying. When you add that as well, it puts you in a very poor light and looking as if you lack empathy.

If a partner chucked a strop about me not making time for them on one isolated ocassion when I was seeing a friend, and at such a painful time in my life, I would be seriously re-thinking the relationship.

I'm not saying this to have a go at you OP, I am guessing you live alone and he's the only person you socialise with? (or have been) so him not seeing you on one day feels like a massive let-down. But it's just one time, at a difficult point for him. That's not a sign that he doesn't value you, it's a sign that he's a fully-rounded human being with friends. Lockdown has magnified all our little insecurities and fears - it's a hard time to be navigating a fairly new relationship. Give both of yourselves a break Flowers

Maybe on the day if you think it will be bothering you, you could make plans to meet a friend for a walk or an outside coffee? Then you won't be mithering yourself about it.

Lovelydiscusfish · 20/04/2021 07:24

I was wondering who usually has the dog? He can’t be that attached to it surely of he leaves it for days at a time. And what’s it dying of, and how long is this process likely to take? Don’t people usually have their pets put to sleep when they are so ill?

Sorry, don’t mean all that to sound horrible. It’s sad about the dog, obviously, but the whole situation just sounds a little odd?

What is he like other than this?

Lovelydiscusfish · 20/04/2021 07:28

The time alone with his dog thing I find a bit odd too. And yes I have pets and am an animal lover. But I’ve never needed time alone with any of them to the exclusion of my partner, even if they were unwell.....

Aprilshowersandhail · 20/04/2021 07:29

Nobody except a sick fucker leaves a ddog they say is dying. You put it in the car and seek out a vet.
. You do not see anyone in a social capacity whatsoever..
Not sure why you would want to see a man who is prepared to abandon his precious ddoggy friend and go have fun.

FrozenVag · 20/04/2021 07:33

@Lovelydiscusfish

My boyfriends dog was dying and we knew she should be PTS and he couldn’t face it for months. I threatened to leave him if he didn’t do it in the end.

I think many people struggle with that sort of decision. Vets don’t force your hand but the responsibility of with you

Northernsoullover · 20/04/2021 07:36

This would piss me off too. If he was that concerned about the dog he wouldn't be meeting up. I agree he wouldn't let it suffer for days. It sounds like excuses to me. If you bring it up he'll make you feel guilty. He has you backed into a corner. I think he's hoping something will happen with the client. I'll be shot down for saying this of course but I definitely smell bullshit.

spotcheck · 20/04/2021 07:41

Is the dog on deaths door, or is it in declining heath.

If it is declining, then the dog can have years left, and therefore, your boyfriend should be ' business as usual' . In that case, it is weird of him to use the dogs heath as an excuse to not see you.

If the dog is deaths door, then I can't fathom why he would go visit a friend. Any friend. That is strange.

It sounds like he is making excuses. I'm assuming there are instances of him treating you poorly?

nancywhitehead · 20/04/2021 07:45

This would upset me as well.

It sounds to me like he is blowing you off. He wants to see another female friend and then he wants time alone with his dog without you.

He's happy for you to come and see the friend with him but making it clear how much it's putting him out to arrange that. Not exactly making you feel important or special is he?

It's also rubbish that he is making you feel like you shouldn't kick up a fuss because his dog is dying. I understand the close bond you can have with a dog, but it's still no excuse to neglect you and make you feel sh*t.

Sorry to say it but it sounds to me like he is maybe not all that into you. For now leave him be and let him grieve for the dog, but then perhaps it's worth re-evaluating the relationship and whether he is really prioritising you and giving you what you need.

HarrietOh · 20/04/2021 07:46

The fact he doesn’t want you over so he can be alone with dog? Nah, that’s not right. After 2 years especially if anything he should be asking to see you for comfort and support. Yet he can go galavanting off into London for the day to see a friend?
You’re clearly not a priority for him.

Sstrongtn · 20/04/2021 07:49

Maybe it’s because I’m a pragmatist not an adorer of animals but who needs alone time with a dying dog for weeks Confused

Fireflygal · 20/04/2021 07:57

I have offered to go and stay with him but he says he wants it to be time alone with him and ddog

This would be more confusing. If he felt comfortable with you then this seems to be the pragmatic solution. However ime 2 years is usually when the honeymoon period has ended and it's now real life, not all relationships make it past this stage.

Let this go, take it at face value but in future see if he invests in your relationship or if it's one way (such as sees you because it suits him for work)

CattingTime · 20/04/2021 08:17

Isn't he allowed friends?

It's a hard week for him. Let him do what he needs. He's just going for lunch with a friend, he might just need an emotional break.

Don't get into the "if you don't see me you can't see anyone" game.

When my cat died (years ago) my now DH and I had been together about 18 months. I didn't want him or anyone else there. I didn't want him to see the crying mess I was, and I just wanted to be with my cat alone at the end.

ravenmum · 20/04/2021 08:52

Presumably he previously brought the dog with him on his visits, but now the dog is too weak to be taken on a trip? 14 is old for a dog, so it is gradually dying of old age and doesn't necessarily need a vet (yet)?

I'd also find it a little odd that he's planning on leaving the dog even for a quick lunch break, if it's really on death's door. But he can gauge that better, obviously. Maybe the dog is really just weak and poorly but can be left for a couple of hours.

Have you suggested going over to his in the day?

JustAnotherOldMan · 20/04/2021 09:28

I had my 15 year old dog PTS in jan as she was incontinent due to age, she could be left for while but not long, that’s probably what’s going on with his dog.

Personally I would say, suck it up for now and reassess when the dog has gone

Outbutnotoutout · 20/04/2021 09:55

Have you ever stayed with him, been to his house?

You seem a convenient choice, he comes to you, I'm assuming free board and food, because its convenient for work and cheaper than a hotel?

Who has his dog when he stays with you normally?

gannett · 20/04/2021 10:07

Yes you sound incredibly spoilt OP. He's seeing an old friend who is also a work contact and you're stamping your feet and demanding he should see you instead.

Maybe he wasn't planning to see anyone, but she reached out and he changed his mind? Presumably he hasn't seen her in a long while.

You say this isn't a work meeting but also that she's his client. It's still a work relationship. In many industries social meetings are still work meetings even when you're not specifically discussing work, because it's about nurturing the business relationship.

Maybe because she's an old friend he can chat about memories in a way he can't with you?

It's not a big deal to sometimes prefer a friend's company to your partner's. Throwing a strop about "me first all the time!!!", especially when it's a painful time for him, is really needy.

Lovelydiscusfish · 20/04/2021 12:41

I suppose the varied responses on here just show that we all need and expect different things from our partners. I’m probably a bit of a needy fucker, but yes I would be upset if my partner refused to see me because his dog was ill. And yes I would be upset if he came to my home town to see someone else during this period instead of seeing me. This wouldn’t be the level of closeness I would want from my relationship. Others would be fine with it which is equally valid.

But it’s not working for you OP, and I think you need to tell him that. Maybe a compromise is possible. Or maybe you just both want different things out of this relationship.

Good luck.

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