My partner’s dog is dying and I am struggling

[16thousand]

I am in a 2 year relationship with my partner and we live separately in different cities - me in London. We are both divorced and have DC from previous marriages. We have been in a pattern of my DP visiting me in my city for 3 days and 2 nights a week (convenient for him because of work.)

This week it looks like my DP’s dog is dying and he is extremely upset, more upset than I have ever seen him. He has had her for the last 14 years. I am doing my best to support him, and understood when he told me he will probably not come to see me this week as he needs to be with ddog.

Only I find out yesterday from him that he is coming to London during the day today to meet a (female) old friend who is also a client of his. I know from the past, they have a slightly flirtatious relationship but nothing has happened. They are meeting in the capacity of work/catching up / not seen each other since March 2020 lockdown.

I feel a bit hurt that he would come for this and not to see me. When I expressed this to him, he suggested I come to his friends’ house too and he would ask if he can bring me along but he made it clear this would be a big effort on his part to ask to bring me, and he has “so much on his plate” with ddog dying. I said don’t worry about it etc, as didn’t want him feeling more stressed.

DP’s justification for just coming to for the day to see his friend is because it is during the day and he needs to get back for ddog in the nighttime. I understand, but why not come to see me? I have offered to go and stay with him but he says he wants it to be time alone with him and ddog.

Am I being spoilt to feel a bit upset about this? I have not asked him about any of this, nor expressed my feelings, as I am worried about coming across as not caring when I can see he is genuinely in bits about his dog.

But then I am sure he will be laughing and joking with his friend over lunch today.

How would you suggest I express this so as not to appear like I don’t care, but also get my view across?

@HarrietOh

The fact he doesn’t want you over so he can be alone with dog? Nah, that’s not right. After 2 years especially if anything he should be asking to see you for comfort and support. Yet he can go galavanting off into London for the day to see a friend? You’re clearly not a priority for him.

This.

You are wasting your time.

He either cares about his dog or not.

His dog is more important to him than you are.
His woman-friend is more important to him than you are.
Says it all, really.

Review your relationship. Are you just his convenient shag? Is he more than that to you?

Might be time to move on.

I agree with @billy1966 and @HarrietOh. It’s hard to see why he specifically needs time alone with his dog but is making time to visit other women. He may just need a bit of time out but i think it’s a bit odd. It sounds as if he may be detaching.

I wouldn’t make a big fuss to him but would keep an eye and see how the relationship seems to be going generally over the coming months.

I'd leave this alone. She is also client and it's a daytime/work thing - it's nice for him to mix business with pleasure and of course he'll need to get back to his ddog. Don't use this to test your relationship - it's such a difficult time. He's offered to include you but that sounds really awkward to be honest and will make you look slightly possessive!

Keep an eye on him though. It's not going to harm you to have a week or so of space is it?

You sound a bit needy.

I don't think the OP is being needy or demanding. He said it's unlikely he would visit OP due to the dog being ill, yet he is then visiting the city to meet someone else. To me, that's illogical so I can understand why the OP is concerned.

If it was me, I'd rather he said that he feels he can only make one trip away because of the dog and that he would prefer to see his friend/colleague/whoever she is, rather than see me (for whatever reason).

This would upset me too. Tbh, the fact he doesn't want to see you while the dog is dying would bother me because it's not how I would react. I would want to be close to my partner for comfort. However, I wouldn't say anything and would just get on with it because we all cope differently and have different needs. The thing that I would have to question is the fact that he is able to go and meet his friend. He either wants to stay with the dog on his own until it passes or he doesn't. I would read this as it's not that he doesn't want to see anyone, he doesn't want to see you. And for me, that wouldn't be good enough in a relationship.

Surely he's a boyfriend, not a "partner". I don't get this recent trend of referring anyone one is dating to be a "partner"

I agree with previous poster that it's quite weird he wouldn't also want to see you briefly, if he's meeting this client/friend in London anyway and it's not far away from where you are in London. It does depend where though as London is huge and one area can easily be 1.5hrs from another area so it depends how far away it is from his place.

Obviously if this is purely a work meeting (I.e. he's meeting her as part of his job and is literally only there for a short period for the meeting then it makes more sense) but to be honest from what you describe, it sounds like you both live separate lives in your own cities and he sees you as a convenient company/sex that fits round the rest of his life. Is this really what you want and deserve?

@Dery

I agree with *@billy1966 and @HarrietOh*. It’s hard to see why he specifically needs time alone with his dog but is making time to visit other women. He may just need a bit of time out but i think it’s a bit odd. It sounds as if he may be detaching.

I wouldn’t make a big fuss to him but would keep an eye and see how the relationship seems to be going generally over the coming months.

Exactly this. OP needs to match her efforts to his and par everything down on her side accordingly. She's busy calling him "partner " but it doesn't seem he has concrete plans to be with her long term as his behaviour sounds very detached. Wanting to be alone with the dog is understandable as it seems they live separate lives anyway but the fact he is still travelling to meet other women (or even if it was a male friend) in the same city as OP is but doesn't want to meet her is very clear he's not enthusiastic about the relationship and only wants to see her on terms that are convenient to him. I.e. those 3 days/nights etc

It’s a tricky one. I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong , he’s seeing a friend who he hasn’t seen for months for a bit of lunch and I guess to escape reality. From what you said he can’t do that with you as he stays with you for 3 days. Have you mentioned meeting up for a few hours? Honestly though if my dog was ill I wouldn’t be visiting my partner and staying over and he lives in a different city. Maybe a couple hours but that’s it. My dog is like my baby and I adore him and wouldn’t want him going while I was out.

My dog had cancer and was “dying “for quite a few months . They can have many ups and downs . So if that is the situation then of course he can have a lunch out with a colleague.

I think the problem is you probably don’t trust him.

I have offered to go and stay with him but he says he wants it to be time alone with him and ddog

I think he's lost interest, he just hasn't got the balls (or locked down another romantic interest yet) to tell you.

It's not like spending time with a dying parent where there are stories to hear and such. You're being palmed off.

I'd back way way off if I were you.