Struggling relationship, to work on it or is there no hope?

[WhatToDoHmmm]

Hi everyone,

My partner and I have been together over 3 years but on and off for a little over a year. We don't live together.

There's been a lot of issues we've been trying to work on, however a few remain still.

1. No intellectual/ deep conversations..

We've had 1 deep conversation at the begining of our relationship and that was one he brought up about his ex.

We've had none since, I've made it clear so many times I need conversation and deep one's. Not just to sit and watch telly.

However, this has yet to happen.

1. No act of service or 'planned dates'

So we used to date and go to the pub when we were first together, however this isn't my cup of tea so to speak. We've also been to the cinema a few times. But that dwindled within the first year and a half.

Things started to get really tough and I left a few times where my boundaries were crossed and behaviours displayed made me feel uneasy.

We rarely eat together and when we do it's take away foods.

We don't go out together (even for a walk) lockdown obviously has contributed to this.

Recently I've invited him round when I've had a bonfire in the garden (with my son) and when I had a child free 24 hours.

Although the child free time was for me to mainly catch up on my studies.

I carved out a few hours of my time to spend with him still and work on our connection.

However, no matter how much we tried no deep conversations came of it.

(he stayed the night for the first time in months).

In the morning we didn't eat breakfast together, he mostly stayed in bed untill he left at around 11am. I sat next to him in bed (feeling really weighed down) and ended up snapping at things he said because I just didn't agree with them or the small talk. Then I sat there and done some of my studying....

I need more and he knows it, yet it's like we have completely different values and outlooks on life.

I'm just not sure I can keep going on like this.

After he left, the small talk via messaging began again and I expressed that I'd rather have deep conversations (not all the time but maybe once a week for a while) and since then we've barely spoken.

I've now left the ball in his court. I've expressed so many times recently that I'd like a phone call when we're not seeing each other for a few days and deep conversations to build that connection.
Date nights where we plan to do something other than watch TV. Yet, I've planned them in the past and now I've stopped, nothing.

Can 2 fundamentally different people really work long term?

I like home cooked meals, fruit and veg. He lives off rustlers burgers processed oven foods and take away.

He spends his spare time watching telly and playing on the ex box. I spend my spare time contemplating life, learning new things, gardening, reading, meditating and watching telly.

I don't follow social norms so to speak and he sort of does. I tend to think outside that box of conditioning and strive for a life that will fulfil me and guide my son to make good healthy choices. Thinking about that, we parent very differently too.

I don't have a 9-5 or the equivalent, I have a part time job, home educate my child and studying most evenings.

I just don't see how our lives fit together long term.

Thank you for reading

He could be my ex. Happy to plod along but by the end it was clear that he did not care enough about me to plan anything, or ask me questions or just be an active part of the relationship. It was draining. You are obviously not compatible, you don’t live together so breaking up should be easyish.

@helpwendy

Best of luck to you. It really is the most draining place to be (that I've experienced so far).

Me and my husband are different in nearly every way although we do make each other laugh. If was I being brutally honest I wish he could carry deeper conversation but he doesn't read etc. So that is hard but I fill this need by having friends I do this with.
That being said I think your situation is like this already rather than after twenty years together and grown a I'd say it's a none starter. When a real connection comes along you will know the difference.

I agree you just don't sound compatible.

You sound like you need someone who has interests they can discuss and share with you. Someone who will recommend you a book and talk to you about the latest episode of their favourite podcast and want to hear about your studies.

I think you self exploration may have given you some slightly elevated ideas about deep conversations etc. It all sounds a bit contrived. But perhaps only because you are trying to describe what is missing. I think connection is natural and organic and it doesn't sound like yours was ever that strong.

If you stopped contacting him-would he notice?

I think a lot of relationships go like this after a few months when the initial lust and oxytocin rush wears off. You realise you have little in common and your boyfriend isn't someone you'd normally be friends with or choose to spend time with. The surprising thing is that it took 3 years to get to that stage

I see you have been together on and off. It looks like the mistake was maybe getting back together after the initial aplit

Sounds miserable. What do you get from this relationship??

He can't change OP. This is who he really is. Do you really want him to make an effort all the time? To be someone he's not? Some people just don't do, cannot have or even don't like deep conversations. They find them mentally draining. He might be just a low energy person anyway and I'm not sure if you 'get' each other at all as people.

If you stay together or get married, I can see you posting something like 'Help. I'm only 40 but I feel like my partner, who's the same age, is already an old man, napping all the time.'