Struggling relationship, to work on it or is there no hope?

[WhatToDoHmmm]

Hi everyone,

My partner and I have been together over 3 years but on and off for a little over a year. We don't live together.

There's been a lot of issues we've been trying to work on, however a few remain still.

1. No intellectual/ deep conversations..

We've had 1 deep conversation at the begining of our relationship and that was one he brought up about his ex.

We've had none since, I've made it clear so many times I need conversation and deep one's. Not just to sit and watch telly.

However, this has yet to happen.

1. No act of service or 'planned dates'

So we used to date and go to the pub when we were first together, however this isn't my cup of tea so to speak. We've also been to the cinema a few times. But that dwindled within the first year and a half.

Things started to get really tough and I left a few times where my boundaries were crossed and behaviours displayed made me feel uneasy.

We rarely eat together and when we do it's take away foods.

We don't go out together (even for a walk) lockdown obviously has contributed to this.

Recently I've invited him round when I've had a bonfire in the garden (with my son) and when I had a child free 24 hours.

Although the child free time was for me to mainly catch up on my studies.

I carved out a few hours of my time to spend with him still and work on our connection.

However, no matter how much we tried no deep conversations came of it.

(he stayed the night for the first time in months).

In the morning we didn't eat breakfast together, he mostly stayed in bed untill he left at around 11am. I sat next to him in bed (feeling really weighed down) and ended up snapping at things he said because I just didn't agree with them or the small talk. Then I sat there and done some of my studying....

I need more and he knows it, yet it's like we have completely different values and outlooks on life.

I'm just not sure I can keep going on like this.

After he left, the small talk via messaging began again and I expressed that I'd rather have deep conversations (not all the time but maybe once a week for a while) and since then we've barely spoken.

I've now left the ball in his court. I've expressed so many times recently that I'd like a phone call when we're not seeing each other for a few days and deep conversations to build that connection.
Date nights where we plan to do something other than watch TV. Yet, I've planned them in the past and now I've stopped, nothing.

Can 2 fundamentally different people really work long term?

I like home cooked meals, fruit and veg. He lives off rustlers burgers processed oven foods and take away.

He spends his spare time watching telly and playing on the ex box. I spend my spare time contemplating life, learning new things, gardening, reading, meditating and watching telly.

I don't follow social norms so to speak and he sort of does. I tend to think outside that box of conditioning and strive for a life that will fulfil me and guide my son to make good healthy choices. Thinking about that, we parent very differently too.

I don't have a 9-5 or the equivalent, I have a part time job, home educate my child and studying most evenings.

I just don't see how our lives fit together long term.

Thank you for reading

Whether it was your mental health or not it seems like you’ve suddenly changed the rules on him of what you want. This is who he is and you are trying to change him.

“Like they say live is blind and I think I just pushed it all aside because I do love him and he is a great person.” - Nope, you love that he was there for you when you had MH issues and now you love the idea of the man you want him to be.

Leave him and let him find someone who will
love him for who he is.

@Aprilx

I didn't exactly demand for weekly deep conversations that's just how I wrote it down on this post.

I expressed I needed more of a conversation from him rather than two word answers with the conversation going no where further. For him to let me into his life more.

If I seem that I've ' described myself far more superior then him' that was not my intention just your interpretation. I was just displaying differences between us. While wondering if such differences in a relationship can majorly implicate things and give a small... Very small insight to who we are as individuals.

No hope, I think.

But you can't really ask someone to have more deep and meaningful conversations. They just happen, or they don't.

Have you tried to start conversations about specific things you're interested in talking about?

Theres too much wrong here. As for "deep conversations", it doesn't sound as if he is capable of those. I couldn't spend 3 weeks with someone like that, never mind 3 years.

Relationships should be easy and fun, at least at the beginning.

@priestessofping

The 'rules' were always there, he just didn't see me for who I truly am because he wasn't physically or mentally there enough and pushed it aside himself while blaming a lot of it on my mental health.

' I love that he was there for me when I was struggling mentally' not at all, he wasn't there for me not really. I went through it all alone, he even used it against me a good few times (intentionally and unintentionally) out of ignorance for not wanting to know that part of me or even caring for it. At least that's my view.

Does it bother me, of course it does. But can it be worked on and discussed, yes, thus aspect has and has improved a little.

Maybe I love the strong willed fighting man he showed me in the begining of our relationship, the family man he told me he was and all the ways he told me he was for his ex but I didn't see any of that and still don't see any of that.

And yes maybe it is my problem, well I guess it is because I haven't treated him the best.

But this is just all the bad parts, right?

Mostly I'm just thinking out loud.

He could make conversation with me when we were first together. Not so much 'deep conversations' but now it's little and far between any conversation, apart from 'how was your day, you ok?' etc...

So the issue here is, why can't he now and why did our conversations not go further/ deeper naturally?

Because the more you get to know someone, you're ment to have inside jokes, stuff to talk about but when the conversation isn't started or shut off, where do you go from there.

Incompatibility? possibly.

But how hard is it to share information with another when you're involved.

He has changed and so have I. That's part of life. But how did it fundamentally change so much that he doesn't even talk about how his son is or what they've been doing together anymore? Isn't that the type of things you want to tell your loved one?

@aria999

Yes, I've tried starting conversations here and there. It tends to go over his head or gets cut short as he doesn't have much to say about it. Whether it's general life stuff or something a bit deeper.

Just end it. There is literally nothing in your posts that cries out that it’s worth trying to continue. Sometimes people just grow apart, or grow so far but it’s not enough.

Either way, I need to stop obsessing over it so much and just do what makes me happy

Have you had help with your mental health issues? I hope you feel you are in a better place now. I think you need to seriously step back and realise that you are completely incompatible together. He is not a man for deep conversations. He is not right for you. You need to find someone who aligns with your life ethic and is willing to look deeply into his life and have things to say about it. It is not this man.

He’s probably picking up on this as well op so it would be kinder to both of you.

Yes, we've had a conversation about our compatibility. I think he said something along the lines of 'everyone can be compatible if they want to be.'

I disagreed because that means changing as a person to fit everyone around you, and in relation to the situation it would be for someone else not for your self and own happiness.

He then disagreed and said ' it is for your own happiness if you want to be with that person'.

I suppose this was a sort of intellectual conversation.

Nothing more has been said on this, it was over a week ago, which brings me here.

@litterbird

I've had help but had a bit of a downfall at the begining of the year so have joint a support group until I can get back into counselling.

I can relate to what you said, to find someone... Who ' looks deeply into his life and have something to say about it'.

I feel like you've just said the exact words I needed to hear, the thing I couldn't quite put my finger on

These sound more like over analysis not fun convos rather than what I thought you meant. Leave him to find someone less critical of him and someone more suitable for you also.

@WhatToDoHmmm

Yes, we've had a conversation about our compatibility. I think he said something along the lines of 'everyone can be compatible if they want to be.'

I disagreed because that means changing as a person to fit everyone around you, and in relation to the situation it would be for someone else not for your self and own happiness.

He then disagreed and said ' it is for your own happiness if you want to be with that person'.

I suppose this was a sort of intellectual conversation.

Nothing more has been said on this, it was over a week ago, which brings me here.

I think he was right.

Compatibility isn't about being the same as your partner, or changing who you are. It's about fitting together - both the things you have in common and the things that are wildly different. It's about the other person making you content even though they don't share the same taste in things, think in the same way or have the same approach to conversation.

And yes, sometimes you think, God, if only DP was completely on my level, on my exact wavelength!

Then I remember that going out with a replica of myself would be an absolute nightmare.

Agree you sound incompatible. You need more mental stimulation than he can provide. I get this. It's got bugger all to feeling superior as pp suggested, its about being free to express your opinions and get a interested/interesting response back. MN is particularly useful for this reason, but is no replacement for a fulfilling relationship.

I would find it hard to live with someone who doesn't express themselves or converse much. How would you ever know that person if they don't tell you what goes on on their life? How would they ever get to know you? How would you know if your values match if you don't ever get the chance to find out what they are?? My ex didnt care for conversation even in the beginning. We ended up running out of topics to discuss. I agonized over it for ages much like you are doing, wondering why he didnt care to let me in, as it were.

He was abusive on top of all this though and I'm still recovering from that.

I think this video sums up what you mean OP. You need connection but your partner doesn't respond. Maybe he isn't turning away, but he's not engaging or he's being too passive.

@theresAnEyeInMeSoup

Thank you for the insightful words.

I'm sorry you had to go through that with your ex, I hope you find peace in your journey to recovery. It is never an easy one

Mental health issues lead to you making terrible decisions about relationships. I’m saying that as someone who’s suffered badly and done exactly that. Seriously, until you’ve recovered enough to enforce your own boundaries BE SINGLE. I honestly don’t think active mental health issues (ie ones currently causing suffering, not managed/treated ones) are compatible with forming healthy attachments. I’m not being judgemental, I’ve got a list of MH diagnoses as long as my arm and I’m heavily medicated. For much of my adult life I was not capable of acting in my own interests romantically. You need to put yourself first and focus on recovery.

Aside from all that, I’m struggling to see how you managed to spend three weeks with this man, he sounds like he’s got as much depth as a birdbath! I too like deep conversations but you can’t force them. You either click with someone and bounce off each other and organically get into debates and discussions or you don’t. Some people are not in touch with their feelings and people like you and I don’t gel with these people. The whole relationship sounds awkward, stilted and like something you endure rather than enjoy. And he used your MH against you and displayed ignorance about MH conditions - yeah, ditch this basic beige bloke and focus on you.

I agree with TedMullins. You will feel lighter once you've left him and can feel like yourself again. You will miss him and long for him but will move past this. I would also be frustrated, but you are prodding to find something in him that doesnt exist.

I have dated men who do not read or discuss anything serious / deep and it is unbearable after a while. It's not about being superior , just different. Disimilar values cant work unlese you get what you need from elsewhere e.g. the pp who joined a book club.

He doesnt even tidy before he leaves your house?? Ugh, youre 28, find someone else! Good luck with your MH.

I guess I just wanted to know if it was a communication issue or an incompatibility one.

That's the same thing to an extent surely? Your communication styles, preferences and expectations are incompatible.

Don't delay the inevitable, you aren't happy and you aren't compatible. Time to call it a day

Tedmullins hit the nail on the head.

He sounds boring and as though he just doesnt talk to you about anything. Is your life better and happier because he is in it or would you be happier alone?

Leave him and let him find someone who will
love him for who he is.

Yeah, unbrushed teeth and all, @PriestessofPing 🤢

OP, I’d truly suggest you spend some time single. It sounds like you’ve got way too caught up in “working” and focussing on this relationship to the detriment of your own development.

You want to change him into a totally different person.

I dont think you sound shallow or hard work. Thats probably because i know exactly how you feel. I feel ridiculous when i say the same about my husband, converaation and a bit of depth and i realise how easy it is to really put your finger on it without coming off shallow or a arse of some kind. But i get it and having been comes to terms with it for a few years. Its pretty soul destroying stuff and emotionally bloody hard work to keep going. Im realising now that i have to get myself in the best possible place to make some tough decisions and follow them through. Youre situation isnt exactly the same as mine but i get the essence. Im getting my ducks in a row now and i have to be strong and be as much of a friend and decent husband being for my husband, but also do the right thing.