What did you do exactly one year on from a split?

[leopardandspots]

STBX has asked to swap DDs weekend contact visit the weekend which is the exact anniversary one year on from when he left.

It’s a very long story but in a nutshell last June 27 STBX walked out. The catalyst was him sulking over my failure to wait downstairs poised ready to unpack a take away food delivery! But the reality was we’d had counselling over many problems for years, some documented on MN.

We are now divorcing and have lapsed into usual fortnightly contact visits for youngest DD.

In March I asked to change one single weekend in April. He reluctantly agreed, as a one off, but said that we must stick to the same fixed patten in the future. This was due to seeing his girlfriend at weekends and his commitments later in the year.

Then, having said we mustn’t change weekends at all , he just said he doesn’t want to have DD on June 26/27 and asked me to swap weekends. This will be exactly one year after he left.

He’s celebrating the anniversary of getting rid of me isn’t he?!

I thought I’d probably feel sad and reflective that day one year on from my marriage ending. Just wondered what other people did a year on from a split?

Kindly, I honestly doubt he has any idea it's the "anniversary" of the separation.

Usually a bit of flexibility is a good thing between separated parents. It can take a while, but shows you can work together.

Shame he can't be more flexible for you but expects it on his terms! Hopefully you can be able to be flexible for each other In Future, it makes things so much easier than holding resentments.
Stop trying to think he's celebrating the break up, this is more your thoughts than reality, time to let any bitterness go.
Maybe you could plan a nice weekend with your DD instead.

Hmmm thanks for the voice of reason, maybe you are right.
Perhaps he has no idea it's exactly one year on from his dramatic departure.
I'll probably help oldest DD move from one student flat to another that weekend anyway while he is celebrating.

Then make sure you get a small celebration in of your own. A wee glass of something sparkling and celebratory for you as you move on into a new life without him dragging you down!

Actually that's a really a good idea. In addition to all the lack of openness issues, he did drag us all down as he's a cup half empty person.
Why didn't I think of that!? I could help student DD move things on one day and then take her and youngest DD to a place with a hot tub or something!

Was he good with dates when you were together? If no I doubt he remembers. Why don’t you do something nice with your daughter to celebrate getting rid of a toxic home life?

Gotta admit that’s not the conclusion I would jump to

I remember the date I discovered my ex's affair, but only as it was 1 May, which is a mildly memorable date. But I've never thought about it on 1 May. Apart from that I have no idea of the dates on which he left, or the date we divorced. I'd have to look it up.

How are you planning on celebrating? Nice takeaway maybe?

Yes he's quite good at dates. I don't think he'd forget as he was quite keen to email me and record the date ( and time!) in writing. I think he thought it would enable him to argue that our 14 year marriage was a short one!

Has he got someone new? If not, it would be pretty typical to quickly go on OLD as the anniversary comes up, and line yourself up with a date that night so that you don't feel too bad about being single.

I was seeing in the new year. My exH left on NYE.
Do you have to swap weekends? Can't you tell him you already have plans and you can't change them? It would really piss me off if exH said "we can't swap when you want to but when I want to then it's all fine".

@ravenmum

Has he got someone new? If not, it would be pretty typical to quickly go on OLD as the anniversary comes up, and line yourself up with a date that night so that you don't feel too bad about being single.

Yes he has someone new. Eight weeks after he left in the September he told me he wasn't dating but youngest DD saw condoms on his bedside cabinet in August. So even though she was only being mentioned around October,I did wonder if they predated the split which would explain the 26/27 June being an anniversary. The problem with me is I'm curious but do know following a split you can't expect the ex to give you the answers and closure you need.

@paintedpanda

I was seeing in the new year. My exH left on NYE. Do you have to swap weekends? Can't you tell him you already have plans and you can't change them? It would really piss me off if exH said "we can't swap when you want to but when I want to then it's all fine".

Lord- New Year's Eve, that's awful. No I don't have to agree but do believe that the mature sensible thing to do is be flexible about DC arrangements. He did exactly adopt the hypocritical position of resisting it when I wanted to swap and lecturing me, then seeking a swap himself a few weeks later.

Hard to say, isn't it, as men do often date again remarkably quickly. Personally I'd choose to interpret it as him not being able to live with just himself, whether he had her lined up, was already with her or just found her very quickly.

If he is "celebrating", that doesn't mean he's out living the high life and delighted to have got rid of a crappy ex. It might just as easily (if not more realistically) mean that his new life is not as dreamy as he'd hoped and he'd feel like shit if he spent the anniversary at home with your dd.

Thanks everyone. It's so interesting how different people have different perspectives.

I'd love to know if it's true that his new life isn't as glittery as he hoped. Maybe he didn't want to spend that weekend with DD as he'd feel rubbish. You'd think he'd want to see her more rather than less and/ or help the student one to move. That would assuage any sense of loss ( if he has one) at the reduced involvement in their daily lives really. However I think he just saw parenting/ family life as a burden anyway.

You obviously know him better than us so if you think he’s the type of person to be as malicious as that then don’t let us dissuade you

You should be celebrating a year of being free from a petty man if that’s the case

I think doing something fun with the DC is great. I wouldn’t tell them it was a celebration though, as they’ve probably got mixed feelings about your split. But a weekend of fun sounds just perfect.

I don't think there's a separated mum who exists who hasn't had the scenario played out against them. (And lots of dads would no doubt say the same). Parenting separately can be a horrible minefield and whilst its no excuse to stay in a bad marriage there is nothing worse than trying to be amenable to someone you'd rather never lay eyes on again. Yes we all 'do it for the kids' - doesn't make it any easier really.

Deep breath and agree and go have a great weekend with your girls x

I would stop thinking of it as the anniversary of him leaving/getting together with someone else/whatever else. It’s all in the past and worth forgetting. Try and think of it as the first anniversary of you standing on your own feet and getting on with things, of you being a survivor. Make it something different in your head. In reality it’s probably something as simple as him being invited to the pub or a bbq rather than him celebrating anything. If you can’t think of anything to celebrate that day, it’s my birthday- you can have a cyber drink with me!

Eight weeks after he left in the September he told me he wasn't dating but youngest DD saw condoms on his bedside cabinet in August.

Yikes. I assume your daughter went into her dad's bedroom and then reported the condoms to you
Very unhealthy for your daughter be getting involved in your break up in such a way and I would be wondering why she felt the need to be reporting such a thing to you. Whichever parent it is, she shouldn't be passing on intimate sexual details between the two of you. Keep her out of it.
Even though it may feel good to you that's she appears to have taken your side somewhat, this isn't her battle to fight and it will just end up with her being much more emotionally damaged by the break up long term. Confide in and involve friends, not her. Your parents breaking up and the family set up you've known all your life changing permanently, is already a life changing event. She should be explicitly told that the break up is between the two of you and she shouldn't feel she needs to take anyone's side.

The good thing about splitting up with someone is that you no longer have to think about what they are thinking or how they feel.

Once I split up with someone I am happy for them if they find someone but don't care either way. Had some good times with them, a lot of bad times but once split I sure ain't going to let them spoil anymore of my life.

I am also grateful of the kids that I wouldn't have had without them.

I only know the month we split but i celebrate the day i moved into my new house.

Very unhealthy for your daughter be getting involved in your break up in such a way and I would be wondering why she felt the need to be reporting such a thing to you.
I can't speak for OP obviously, but my daughter was 16 when my exh had his affair, and I couldn't have stopped her noticing what her dad was up to. They have minds of their own and even do detective work of this kind without you asking, encouraging or wanting them to get involved. They report this kind of thing to their parent because they find it upsetting and (fortunately) don't want to keep it bottled up.

In my case, my exh sat next to our dd on the settee texting his OW and she read it. In OP's case the dad has left his condoms lying around openly in a room he knows his daughter might well look or go into for some good reason.

My guess is he is planning to propose to the OW.

I'd tell him you already have plans.

@RantyAnty

My guess is he is planning to propose to the OW.

I'd tell him you already have plans.

You think he's deliberately planning to propose to a new woman on the anniversary of walking out on his last wife? Even if I was a totally bitchy OW I think I'd protest at that!!