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Relationships

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Original poster

When he says he's falling in love with you ...

38 replies

Bloggerbloggerblog · 19/04/2021 09:28

but cannot be in a long term relationship as he doesn't want to bring up another set of kids (already brought up his own and his ex long term partners). My heart just breaks.

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 19/04/2021 09:35

Were kids not mentioned when you were chatting and before you dated?

Sounds like he wants a FWB style relationship so he doesn't have to commit.

Original poster

Bloggerbloggerblog · 19/04/2021 09:39

@SortingItOut - he has known about the kids from day 1 and their ages too. He still wants to take me out on a date though. He said he felt terrible but has had a long think about it and just cannot commit and is just being honest with me.

OP posts:

Gilda152 · 19/04/2021 09:42

I commend his honesty.

Wanderlusto · 19/04/2021 09:45

So he is 'being honest' with you and yet not ending things. So he hs not a decent man. He is only telling you so that when he starts to act like you are in a relationship and tell you he loves you and basically be your partner- he can turn around and go 'but I told you I didnt want a relationship' and make out he hasn't lead you on (probably when another woman takes his fancy).

He is either a player or a head worker. And none of them are capable of love. Or hell, even decency.

Show him the door.

Wanderlusto · 19/04/2021 09:50

Basically he is asking you to choose to fall in love with him and put him on a pedestal and never be his priority. Until he finds something else. At which point he will turn round and tell you 'I told you I didnt want a relationship'.

He has put the onus on you to walk away and us counting on you not doing it. Tell him it doesnt work for you. And take a look at the confusion in his face as you do/listen out for the backtracking. Because he thought you were stupid and would accept the scraps of him just because he used that 'falling for you' crap.

SortingItOut · 19/04/2021 09:52

What do you want?
If you are looking for a long term relationship then he has made clear his stance so I hope you are not considering a date.

If you are happy with more casual then its fine.

I personally don't understand why you can't have a long term relationship and for him not to bring up your kids?
Or are you looking for a stepfather?

I'm in a relationship of 18 months and hope it will last but we have no input in to each others children, mine are adults but his isn't but I don't want to be a stepmum.
We have no plans to ever live together but we're still very committed.

Pyewackect · 19/04/2021 09:53

Wanderlusto : what a load of bollocks. He's just being honest. If that doesn’t fit the OP then she has the option to end it. At least she knows.

FilledSoda · 19/04/2021 09:56

So is he proposing a relationship where you keep separate homes and neither of you take on a step parent role?
Because there's nothing wrong with that but it depends what you want for yourself .

nancywhitehead · 19/04/2021 09:57

It's good that he's being honest, but if that's not what you want then you shouldn't stay with him.

Your kids are part of who you are, he is basically saying he doesn't want that part of you, he only wants the part of you that is child-free and available to him. Seems pretty selfish to me.

Wanderlusto · 19/04/2021 09:58

@Pyewackect

Wanderlusto : what a load of bollocks. He's just being honest. If that doesn’t fit the OP then she has the option to end it. At least she knows.

But the point is he shouldbt be giving her the option.

Have you ever broke up with someone and told them you were falling for them in the same convo? It just doesn't ring true.

It doesnt sound like a break up. It sounds like 'I cant give you what you need but I want to keep shagging you'.

nancywhitehead · 19/04/2021 09:58

I don't think he is "falling in love" with you, love would involve caring for you unconditionally, and that includes the fact that you have children.

sageflower · 19/04/2021 09:58

Some men seem to think they will have to take on step dad role but it doesn't have to be like that. However if he doesn't feel comfortable in getting to know your children then I don't think he's worth it. I would think he's just wanting a fling.

cherryblossom999 · 19/04/2021 10:01

I don't see why this is an issue, unless you are looking for someone who wants to move in and raise your kids. From past experience what he is suggesting is the most serious relationship I would ever have again.

Blended families are hard work, I feel that I can raise my kids more effectively on my own and wouldn't want someone thinking they had any say in raising my kids. A relationship for you with someone who cares about you, separate to the kids sounds ideal but it depends on what you want.

ravenmum · 19/04/2021 10:03

Nothing wrong with him asking if you're interested. My bf has an 11yo. We got together knowing that I was not going to be her stepmother. As I am fine with that too, it works out well.

If you only want him as a live-in partner, it's a shame, of course. But better for him to be honest and not string you along.

ravenmum · 19/04/2021 10:06

You say he wants to take you out on a date - so you've not dated yet?

espressoontap · 19/04/2021 10:07

Why does he think he will bring your kids up? Why do you want him to?

Crappyfridays7 · 19/04/2021 10:08

Surely, if you know that’s what you want (no more kids) then you avoid women with kids!!
I’ve had 2 men do this to me, stupid me. Walk away op find someone who wants you and your kids less of the hassle of a man who thinks he knows what he wants but doesn’t really and messes folk about

duodunical · 19/04/2021 10:12

What does 'wanting to take you on a date' mean?

Scrunchy95 · 19/04/2021 10:14

He's a twat. But you have all of the information. He wants you to be committed to him and him alone but will not commit to you. Dump it!

Ilovemycat13 · 19/04/2021 10:18

He’s not being honest OP, it’s a line. He doesn’t want to commit. I would move on

DeepThinkingGirl · 19/04/2021 10:20

I think that’s a fair choice of his

VanillaCokeZero · 19/04/2021 10:26

It’s great that he’s being honest and open with you. Refreshing, tbh. So many people get involved with a person who has kids and meet them, start to play a parenting role and only then do they decide it’s not right for them. He’s being honest about what he wants and so you can decide what you want from him in return.

If you’re happy to have a casual thing where you meet up when you’re free without the kids for dinner or whatever then you at least know that’s as far as it’s gonna go. But if you’re really into him I suspect that’ll be very painful and you’re better off ending it completely and being single. I’d avoid any attempt at a ‘friendship’ too. Too messy.

People are being naive in saying ‘but he doesn’t have to end up taking a stepdad role’, if you got together and became serious then you’d eventually move in together and like it or not young children WILL see adults they live with who are in a relationship with their parent as an authority and parental figure to some extent, get attached, and be impacted when the relationship ends. I would never get involved with a man with children unless I knew that way down the line I’d be happy helping to raise and support those kids. He’s being very sensible, I appreciate it hurts a lot but much better than being led on or him coming to this realisation later on when kids’ feelings are involved too.

heyyellowyellow · 19/04/2021 10:30

@duodunical, I wonder if the OP means he’s still keen to date?

OP, it’s a tricky one, people are entitled to feel what they feel (that includes you!). Have you been seeing each other for a while?

evelynina · 19/04/2021 10:33

I see what he means if I was in a new relationship I would want separate homes I wouldn't want to be a step mother it's a valid choice. I'd still want a relationship but not the day to day chores.

ravenmum · 19/04/2021 10:33

if you got together and became serious then you’d eventually move in together
I know people who have been together a dozen years without living together. The woman is dead set agaist a live-in partner and the man is OK with it. (No kids living with either.)

I get on fine with my bf's dd - give her advice or a hug as required - but I'm not going to be her stepmum as we are not going to get married/live together.

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