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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When he says he's falling in love with you ...

38 replies

Bloggerbloggerblog · 19/04/2021 09:28

but cannot be in a long term relationship as he doesn't want to bring up another set of kids (already brought up his own and his ex long term partners). My heart just breaks.

OP posts:

evelynina · 19/04/2021 10:34

My dad and his partner have been together for 14 years still live apart and seem very happy.

Silverfly · 19/04/2021 10:37

Have you been on a date or dates already? I can't tell from your posts. If you haven't even been on a date yet and he says he's falling in love with you then that's a red flag IMO.

Bluntness100 · 19/04/2021 10:38

I don’t understand what you mean he wants to take you on a date. Are you in a relationship with him or not, and by relationship I mean a real face to face physical one?

I0NA · 19/04/2021 10:45

@Silverfly

Have you been on a date or dates already? I can't tell from your posts. If you haven't even been on a date yet and he says he's falling in love with you then that's a red flag IMO.

This

Magnificentmug12 · 19/04/2021 10:47

I wouldn’t have anymore kids so would tell someone I was with if they did, which he has now done so the ball is in your court. This is way better than him stringing you along!

He has done the right thing

Original poster

Bloggerbloggerblog · 19/04/2021 11:03

We have seen each other lots of times face to face. Haven't been able to go on any proper dates as everything has been closed since we met, hence a 'proper date' as he called this week. I would want separate homes for a long time with a view to moving in together longer term, and we have own time with our own friends etc but then have dates, dinners, stay over when I don't have the kids etc. My kids are 14 & 11.

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 19/04/2021 11:06

@VanillaCokeZero Not everyone in a serious relationship lives together, others have given examples above.

It doesnt mean those people are any less committed, some people don't want to live together and having children is one reason not to.

ravenmum · 19/04/2021 11:08

Sounds as if you have fallen for him too?

Do you feel as if you've been led up the garden path, or is this a fair moment for him to lay his cards on the table and let you decide if you're interested in what he can offer?

So you would be OK with "living together apart" in the long term? But he wouldn't?

I0NA · 19/04/2021 11:40

So you have met up lots of times and he knows you have kids. When did he tell you that he never wants to cohabit with someone with kids ?

You say that you would like to move in with someone longer term so it seems to me that you are incompatible.

I’d move on and look for someone more suited.

SVRT19674 · 19/04/2021 12:26

I believe you want to share more than he does. I would not want to live with a man ever again. Been there done that, then I am 46, I understand you are younger. I find it slightly odd than he feels he would have to bring up a 14 and an 11 year old. That train left years ago. I would take his falling in love quip with a pinch of salt, sounds too teenagey for my liking. But then what do YOU want? His scraps of attention or living with living apart relationship? Just move ahead with your eyes open.

VanillaCokeZero · 19/04/2021 13:31

@SVRT19674

It’s a big commitment becoming a stepparent though to a child, and they are still kids. Heck, I was seventeen when I gained a stepmum and although I was almost an adult her life still changed in a lot of ways, she has mothered me in ways when I’ve needed it, provided guidance, her money has gone to me at times as she’s married to my father. It’s naive to think that if this relationship became serious he wouldn’t have a parenting role just because they’re teens.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/04/2021 15:42

I don’t live with my partner as I don’t want to force another father figure on them or them on him so we live apart and it’s perfect for us. They have a dad already and when they are with him, I am with my partner.

Sounds ideal to me but if that’s not what you want then you need to be honest with yourself, and him.

MsDogLady · 19/04/2021 17:19

Have you left your marriage yet, Blogger? You’ve written that to you it’s unsalvageable, but your H actually thinks you have a great relationship.

Is this the same OM from December who humiliated you by telling your best friend that she and her breasts were stunning and joked about you having a threesome? If so, you’ve known for months what a loser he is and had wondered if he was using you.

If you are still with your H, infidelity/deception is not the answer. You are greatly disrespecting him and your children. If you don’t want to sort out your marriage, act with integrity and leave before getting involved with another man.

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