Want to leave but scared to be a single parent

[hannasbananas]

3 weeks ago I told my dp that I want to leave.

We have a 3 year old ds and the past year has made me realise that although I care about him, I don't like the person he has become.

Dp has always had a bad temper which has been the source of a lot of the problems in our relationship as I am very laid back generally. Lockdown has severely affected his business causing him to be even more angry and very depressed and I have had to bare the brunt of his anger, mood swings and generally volatile behaviour. He is very up and down and can be so nasty. There have been times he has tried to scare me which I can not put up with.

Over the last year he has admitted that he is depressed however has refused to seek help even though I know this would have helped him. Instead he self medicates by smoking a lot which I hate.

He slept in till 10.30/11am every day for the past year whilst I got up at 7 to take care of Ds and do all of the housework. On one occasion he got up 15 minutes before I had a virtual job interview and couldn't see what he had done wrong. He is very selfish. When i confronted this, we argued and he said he would 'love to leap over and attack me'. He has never been physically abusive however he does get very angry and slam doors, grunt etc. All in front of my Ds.

I would try my best to avoid him each morning as his moods were too much to bare. I would find myself in various supermarkets just to get out of the house. This has caused a lot of resentment on my part which in turn has caused a lot of arguments as I felt hugely underappreciated as a parent and partner. He says I am always rude, always moan and talk to him like crap.

I feel like I have put up with a lot this year. I've been excusing his behaviour due to his mental state but this cannot go on. I told him 3 weeks ago I wanted to split and we both agreed we are only still together for ds however he wants to stay together for Ds. I cannot stay with him for Ds. It is not a good environment for him, it is toxic. I agreed to look for somewhere else to live and have been doing so. We have been sleeping in seperate rooms.

After I said I wanted to leave, he said felt suicidal and contacted a gp who put him on antidepressants. He said he is feeling a bit better and recognises he needs to do more to help me. He said this has been a wake up call and asked me what he needs to do for me to stay. Im pleased he has got the medication he needs but I dont believe anything will change between us and he has said and done some unforgiveable things.

I cannot see a future with this man but am scared to be a single parent and am here for any similar stories or words of advice. Thanks in advance x

Single parenthood can be hard in many ways but is preferable to living in misery with a shit partner.

This all sounds horrible & I hope you're doing ok.
What is it about potentially being a single parent that's worrying for you?

@spiderplantwoman

This all sounds horrible & I hope you're doing ok. What is it about potentially being a single parent that's worrying for you?

@spiderplantwoman Im more than confident in my ability to parent Ds on my own as I feel ive been doing that since he was born, dp has never been helpful. Im scared about Ds having to sleep out without me and if I would have to allow that. Im also worried that financially it may be difficult. Also the logistics of moving (we own our house together)

@spiderplantwoman forgot to say thank you. Living here is miserable but it is what it is!

@judyisapunkrocker I know you're right..thank you

Better off without

I ran out with a young baby

Hard but we are free and SAFE

Do not put up with shit xxx

@hannasbananas i like my independence. I pay my own bills, have become debt free and any mess (housework wise) is my own or my child’s - I’m not cleaning up or looking after a man. The co parenting side of things can be tough. He doesn’t do things the same way I do but have had to accept this (we’ve clashed on Covid, schooling, his lack of routine and cannabis use). I get little to no money from him but can survive without his money. You most likely will have to allow your child to sleep out at dads unless dad is a danger. What worries you about sleep outs?

"however he wants to stay together for Ds"

I'd take a guess that it's more like he wants you to keep doing his housework and shit for him, and he can't be accused of being an absent father, if he lives with you. He gets to spend quality time with ds when he can be bothered, and you pick up the slack for him when he can't.

I was terrified of being a single parent too, what I didn't realise it that I already was, even with useless ex dp living here. When I threw him out, I became a single parent to one child, instead of two (him being the other child), which actually made life much easier!

I'm in the single parent camp. It is FAR preferable to being with a nobhead honestly. Why? I am financially better on as I have noone spending selfishly from our joint account, I am perfectly capable of raising 2 children alone, I set the rules in my own home, I can eat what I want when I want, I'm always in control of the tv etc.

Having said that, I would really like to meet a new partner now BUT even if I knew I would stay single forever it would still have been the right decision to leave my ex husband. No question.

Oh god leave him. You will be so happy you don't have to put up with that shit you won't know yourself!!
Lone parenting is as taxing as you can imagine but mentally a walk in the park compared with this life you are tolerating.

I've been a single parent since dd1 was 2 and since before dd2 was born.

Don't let fear or over thinking stop you. Most women have the same worries initially, but life has a way of working out. The outcome will be worth the temporary turbulance.

[quote Judyisapunkrocker]@hannasbananas i like my independence. I pay my own bills, have become debt free and any mess (housework wise) is my own or my child’s - I’m not cleaning up or looking after a man. The co parenting side of things can be tough. He doesn’t do things the same way I do but have had to accept this (we’ve clashed on Covid, schooling, his lack of routine and cannabis use). I get little to no money from him but can survive without his money. You most likely will have to allow your child to sleep out at dads unless dad is a danger. What worries you about sleep outs?[/quote]
@judyisapunkrocker If I'm honest it's a lot to do with not being in control / not knowing what ds is doing/if hes ok/eating well etc. Hes not spent a night away from me. Dp doesnt give a crap about routine etc. Also as you said, cannabis use worries me. Maybe the feeling of losing control goes with time because Im definitely a control freak /have issues with OCD!

@Resetting

"however he wants to stay together for Ds"

I'd take a guess that it's more like he wants you to keep doing his housework and shit for him, and he can't be accused of being an absent father, if he lives with you. He gets to spend quality time with ds when he can be bothered, and you pick up the slack for him when he can't.

I was terrified of being a single parent too, what I didn't realise it that I already was, even with useless ex dp living here. When I threw him out, I became a single parent to one child, instead of two (him being the other child), which actually made life much easier!

@resetting i think you may have hit the nail on the head...

@theresgottobemoretolife thank you. Totally agree and I hope you can meet someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated. Women put up with so much crap.

He is an abuser. The shite about being suicidal because you're leaving is a standard abusive tactic. Abuse is about power and control, and if you leave he loses control of you, so he's just reaching deeper into his bag of tricks to try and keep control of you.

You are right that nothing will change. Hold onto that knowledge.

Change and uncertainty are always scary. It may feel tough in the beginning but you will adjust and recover from this. Just remember to be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve for the life you had hoped for - once you work through that you will be able to build a different but happier and healthier life than you could ever have if you stayed.

It will creep up on you, but one day you will look back and realise how far you have come and that you are thriving.

Well done for finding the courage to exit this relationship. You are doing the right thing. Reach out for support if you need it.

The last person he thinks about is your son.

He wouldn't be abusing his mother in front of him and trying to scare you.

Depression doesn't make you a nasty prick.

He is thinking the status quo suits HIM.

This is an awful environment for a child.

He does next to nothing for his child now, how interested do you imagine he will be.

Speak to your GP and health visitor about his drug taking.

Your son will have a betterhouse if his main residence is a calm, secure place.

You have been doing it alone already, this will formalise it.

Cannabis would be the deal breaker for me. I threw my ex DP out due to cannabis.
Erratic. Mood swings. Anger. Stank to high heaven to boot - not the actual drug, just acrid sweat as his body expelled it.

It made him abusive and he was in complete denial.

Leave. You'll be much happier.
Put the house up for sale. Short term pain for long term gain. He will be an arse during this time. But he already is.

@user1636853246842157

He is an abuser. The shite about being suicidal because you're leaving is a standard abusive tactic. Abuse is about power and control, and if you leave he loses control of you, so he's just reaching deeper into his bag of tricks to try and keep control of you.

You are right that nothing will change. Hold onto that knowledge.

Change and uncertainty are always scary. It may feel tough in the beginning but you will adjust and recover from this. Just remember to be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve for the life you had hoped for - once you work through that you will be able to build a different but happier and healthier life than you could ever have if you stayed.

It will creep up on you, but one day you will look back and realise how far you have come and that you are thriving.

Well done for finding the courage to exit this relationship. You are doing the right thing. Reach out for support if you need it.

Ive been toying back and forth with myself for years about this being an abusive situation and I feel like only now am I accepting it may be the case. He has never been physical with me, but shows aggression with words but if I'm honest there have been times where he has tried to scared which and it's worked. So I suppose mentally, that is abusive. Although this past year he has been awful, if I really think about it - he has always been like this, just in different ways.

Thankyou everyone for your kind words of support. I know this is the best option for me and Ds.

@pipsqueakbollock Can I ask if you asked him to give up the smoking and he refused? This is a major issue for me. He says he wants to yet actions nothing and it costs a fortune when there have been financial struggles already. I hate it.

Depression doesn't make you abusive that's insulting he's just trying to control you withat

Thanks everyone for your replies. Ive booked to see a flat this week which is a big step for me. With dp, it feels like hes putting the ball completely in my court as he keeps saying he doesnt want this and it will be my decision to split our family, its my call etc. I feel like hes trying to put all of this on me so as he can tell himself/other people that he tried when the reality is very different.

You are not splitting up the family. He has done that himself by behaving that way for years. Don't fall for that.

Is your name on the family home and will you still be liable for the mortgage if you move out?

You son deserves to grow up in a loving stable home without walking on eggshells. You are doing the right things.

Your ex is unlikely to want your son over a huge amount when he realises how hard work it is from what you have described. But you will have to let him go most likely but it doesn't have to be overnight straight away necessarily. If it is for example a Saturday evening a little less routine or junk food wont hurt-even it is isn't how you would do it. If he wants him more don't fall into the trap of letting him be funtime dad-make sure he does some of the grunt work in the week too.

My ex tended to eat marijuana but smoked occasionally.

I suppose money wasn't an issue - mostly he was hiding his use of the drug as he knew I didn't approve but he was cruel to me when I spent money - part of the paranoia I suppose.

And boy was he paranoid.

Look, you're not happy. He is abusive because you're scared to exit the relationship with truthful reasons (he's a cunt ) when fact is, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. He has manipulated you to the mind set of fear that there will be repercussions if you end it.

Take quiet and strong actions (value the house, research your affordability and benefits) just keep forcing it towards a relationship end.

Don't argue with him - withdraw. Do everything via email not text - it makes you consider your words more. Don't explain yourself not matter how hard he pushes.

Just keep on moving toward the goal of separating without the drama. It's hard to explain. Techniques are grey rock (Google it)

Just keep on moving to where you know in your heart life will be better.

I'm so sorry I used the C word.
When pathetic men annoy me, it leaks out. I really need to figure out why.