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Original poster

Date doesn't want to swap numbers yet!

72 replies

nolovelost · 18/04/2021 22:12

Went on a first date today, it was lovely and he wants to see me again.
When I said maybe we could swap numbers as it would be easier, or we could just stay as we are for the moment, he said that he wanted to carry on messaging on the site for now!
While we were on the date, he did say that he'd had some dates just disappear on him.
Red flag?

OP posts:
Zzpplant · 19/04/2021 10:57

I'm with Bluntness100 in that if he does have both a brain injury and PTSD he could have serious problems such as aggression, impulse control, memory, depression, psychosis, insomnia, persistent nightmares, anxiety. Do you really need to risk having to deal with anything like this. It's very sad for him if he does have such conditions but life is stressful and difficult enough without getting Involved with someone who is this complex mentally.

Original poster
nolovelost · 19/04/2021 12:52

Yeah...he said he suffers with bad memory, movements, being around people, things can trigger panic very easily and is snappy. All this on a first date - too much! Imagine what he'd be like with sex? Poor man. He's messaged this morning but I've not looked yet.

I can sympathise as I have health conditions but I'd never dream of saying anything on the first date. it was like he was saying this is me, like it or lump it.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/04/2021 12:57

Please remember you're not obliged to "give him a chance". You're not a nurse or therapist - you're looking for a boyfriend, not a project or patient.

Personally I would run a mile, as I said earlier.

LivBa · 19/04/2021 13:01

@nolovelost
I'm very cautious with dating but I think from what you described OP that you should give him the benefit of the doubt at this point. Normally creepy men want to swap numbers ASAP because then the app has no record of your conversations. Also if someone wants to cheat, it's more likely they want your number rather than want to continue on the app, because texts are easier to hide from a spouse than having a dating app on their phone!

If he still doesn't give his number after the 2nd date then I would be open with him about your concerns, and if he still doesn't change his mind then I would probably end it.

WouldBeGood · 19/04/2021 13:08

I would also always get someone’s surname before meeting them. Personally I’d do an internet search on them too, as I’m old and cynical.

Original poster
nolovelost · 19/04/2021 13:12

@LivBa I'm listening to what you say, but the being uninterested in my conversation has put me off. There were 3 things I mentioned which he didn't say much to, and I was definitely listening and commented on everything he said about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
nolovelost · 19/04/2021 13:15

I can't do a search without a surname. But I'm going to decline a second date anyway. I'm going to get out more and meet new people naturally.

OP posts:
Zzpplant · 19/04/2021 13:30

nolovelost I think you are making a good decision. It sounds as if any relationship with this guy is going to centre around his health, his needs, his restrictions and you will always be trying to plan around his triggers and supporting him. Ok if you had been together years and he then had an injury or PTSD then it's the whole in sickness and in health thing but to knowingly start a relationship with someone seemingly self-absorbed and unwell would be really miserable and exhausting . You should be out there having fun at this stage rather than potentially being his support worker

WouldBeGood · 19/04/2021 13:32

Yes, should be fun at this stage!

LivBa · 19/04/2021 13:40

@Zzpplant

I'm with Bluntness100 in that if he does have both a brain injury and PTSD he could have serious problems such as aggression, impulse control, memory, depression, psychosis, insomnia, persistent nightmares, anxiety. Do you really need to risk having to deal with anything like this. It's very sad for him if he does have such conditions but life is stressful and difficult enough without getting Involved with someone who is this complex mentally.
Just read this. Separate from the phone number thing, definitely agree with the above. To be honest doesn't sound like he's actual in the right space to be dating. Look out for yourself OP.
LivBa · 19/04/2021 13:41

[quote nolovelost]@LivBa I'm listening to what you say, but the being uninterested in my conversation has put me off. There were 3 things I mentioned which he didn't say much to, and I was definitely listening and commented on everything he said about him.[/quote]
Ah ok, I've not read all the posts on this thread. If there are other issues at this stage, I would end it.

MMMarmite · 19/04/2021 13:52

Having PTSD myself, I would very much hope it doesn't make me undateable! Surely that completely depends on the person and how they manage their condition.

But yes, only being interested in talking about his issues, and refusing to give his number, are not good behaviour on a first date, do I think you're right to leave it.

MMMarmite · 19/04/2021 13:54

*so not do

osbertthesyrianhamster · 19/04/2021 13:56

@category12

Please remember you're not obliged to "give him a chance". You're not a nurse or therapist - you're looking for a boyfriend, not a project or patient.

Personally I would run a mile, as I said earlier.

THIS!!

Women are not rehab centres for men.

More red flags than a Labour convention. I'd message, 'Nice meeting you but don't think we're compatible and it's best to move on. Best of luck.' And move on.

Original poster
nolovelost · 19/04/2021 14:05

Thanks for the further comments.

@MMMarmite I'm sorry that you suffer too. No I don't think that it makes someone undateable. I would have given it a chance, it's the other things.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/04/2021 14:19

@MMMarmite

Having PTSD myself, I would very much hope it doesn't make me undateable! Surely that completely depends on the person and how they manage their condition.

But yes, only being interested in talking about his issues, and refusing to give his number, are not good behaviour on a first date, do I think you're right to leave it.

I’m sorry you’re suffering with that, but honestly no one is saying ptsd makes someone undatedable. What’s being said is ptsd, and brain damage, could be the cause of some of the behaviours rhe op is witnessing.
Original poster
nolovelost · 19/04/2021 16:42

I've just sent a message saying what @osbertthesyrianhamster suggested!

OP posts:
Original poster
nolovelost · 19/04/2021 16:45

He sent one straight back - Hi ....I understand. Good luck to you too. X

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 19/04/2021 16:46

Oh I couldnt be doing with this. PTSD from which conflict? I doubt he is single

Original poster
nolovelost · 19/04/2021 16:54

The Air Force. Why do you say that, because of the no swapping numbers?

OP posts:
Zzpplant · 19/04/2021 17:20

MMmarmite no i don’t think PTSD makes someone undateable at all. But this guy has a brain injury as well which could cause all sorts of problems in a relationship. I’ve seen peoples personalities change radically as a result of brain injuries.
Upwards and onwards OP.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 19/04/2021 18:17

Yeah, give that one a miss.

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