Chores problem

[Treshar]

So I am having problems with mostly my mom-in-law but occasionally also my girlfriend. I will describe in further detail below, but the generel problem is that they are not satisfied with how well I do my chores. I think though I have too many responsibilites, so I need to get told whether I am in the wrong or not.

In our home the chores are very divided. We got 2 active twin boys (7 years old). Its important to note that I have been unemployed for many years, struggling to find a suiting job for my master degree. This fact is key for the topic. In my country when being unemployed and receiving welfare, the government frequently puts me in workshops and sometimes internships - and generally expects me to seek jobs full-time. I have to document this online... My girlfriend works full-time (37 hours a week) in elderly health care.

My chores and responsiblities:
Managing economy
Buying food and other stuff (on bike, 3-4 times a week)
Cooking food
All Dishes
Taking out garbage
Vacuuming (once a week)
Make breakfast for children and get them ready for school
Follow them to school
Tidy up home (un-cluttering)
Handyman
Problem solver and communication to the world
Bug exterminator

Hers:
Lunch for school
Retrieve boys from school
Bath boys (3 times a week)
Laundry (1-2 times a week)
Bathroom cleaning (once a week)
Cleaning surfaces (once a month)
Take care of boys during afternoon if I am cooking (but mostly consists of cartoons or gaming)

I am OK with how it is. I have grown to accept it, although I still think that my girlfriend could help more. Problem for me is the complaints and the feeling of all my work not being appreciated at all. This grows over time into a spiral, because when nobody appreciates what I do, I struggle to find the movitation to get it done. Their counter argument is that I am unemployed and at home "doing nothing", so its very fair. Its true that dishes often are not taken before the next day and sometimes dirt can been on the floors, but thats my way to cope with having so many chores - on top of jobseeking and workshops. So what you think? Do being unemployed mean that you should do close to everything chore-wise? In my opinon I do pull the heavy weight, and if my mom-in-law (or girlfriend) want things to get done better, she needs to do help a little during workdays. Evening dishes would be sufficient for me.

What is your Masters in? How many years have you been unemployed?
Does you MIL live with you?

Masters in Finance, I found out its a too narrow field / too specialized. MIL lives in same town and visits maybe 2-3 times a week. Too much in my opinion :)

Leaving dirty dishes hanging around is lazy and would annoy me.

Have you tried the organised mum method? www.theorganisedmum.blog/

Unless you live in a mansion, you should both be able to look after the chores in less than an hour a day if you follow that.

And yes, I would expect you to do more if she is the breadwinner and the kids at school.

How long have you been jobseeking?

I think that if you’re struggling to find work in your chosen field you need to find a different job, start building up your CV and earning some money and then split all chores 50/50. It’s difficult to say from that list whether it’s a fair split as ‘tidying/decluttering’ could be a 5 minute job each day or it could be that you’re spending all weekend taking rubbish to the tip and arranging storage etc.

Similarly cooking - are you throwing in an oven pizza, or are you using every pan and dish in the kitchen then leaving it for your wife to wash it all up when she gets home from work.

Elderly care is physically and emotionally tiring. If I was her and had to come home to a mess I’d not be impressed.

You seem to be basically a stay T home dad who is looking for the perfect job to come along. I would expect you to do most things related to running the home including most of what your wife is doing. Is this a reverse?

The chores seem fine to me with you not working outside the home and the DC are 7.

Are you in a rural area or something like that?

Surely you can find something in accounting, bookkeeping, analyst, or at one of the consulting firms like Accenture, or a graduate role.

She does not earn much more than me, although I am unemployed. Around $300 dollars more. I understand it can be difficult to judge the situation, but I can clarify to Mark that I am not doing fast-food and she never does any dishes or pans, not even her own.

I work ft have 4dc 2gs and do all chores. Your girlfriend and your mil are being a little controlling maybe? You say you have a masters degree in finance? If so set up your own business! Lots of people are looking for accountants. A degree in finance isn't the easiest to get and you are not making the most out of it. Unemployed with a finance degree doesn't make sense when you have the knowledge to set your own freelance or accountants business. I would also talk to your gf as almost all working mums have to go back home and cook and clean dishes daily without a grumble.

OP - how are you earning anything at all if you're unemployed?

It's much easier to find a better job / earn promotion if you're actually in a job, so you need to take whatever employment you can find and then try to work up from that. At the moment it's only your GF who has those sort of prospects.

Childcare then becomes an issue - can your MIL help with the kids?

I do not live in America. :) We maybe have the best welfare system in the world ($1700 a month) and like I wrote, goverment demands a lot in return which takes up my time.

If you've been looking for a job for several years and haven't found one, I would have run out of patience with you long ago. Look for jobs in different areas.

What does your finance degree qualify you to do? What kind of finance?

You do sound a bit lazy tbh. There's no need for dishes to be left overnight.

Where do you live??

I guess you live in Denmark. But you should still do the majority of work at home.

Stock exchange primarly, unfortunately not accounting but I have just finished a course. And I have been here and there, just hasnt been long lasting yet..

Sounds like you should be doing chores - $1700 is ALOT for being unemployed when your partner works full time.

Just because you have a masters doesn't mean you have to get a job using it - you sound quite precious if I'm honest - get a job, ANY job and then you'll be in more or a position to do less chores - your kids are 7 so I'm assuming that they're at school so it's not like you're looking after toddlers all day

As I have said I do not have a problem with how it is. When I reach the evening, I am often out of energy because of all the things I must take care of and remember during the day. I could just do without the negativity, so I tried to write up the problem to see if it was valid or not.

She works, you don't. So you do most of it. The balance as you describe it sounds fair to me - she does a lot.

And it is never about who brings in more money. It is about working time and leisure time. As for work - why are you only looking for finance type jobs? Obviously with COVID things are harder, but during the past few years you could have been working in hospitality, retail, admin - why haven't you? When my husband was alive, we always both worked. The jobs may not always have been exactly what we wanted, but a job is a step up to a better job.

Money thing was only brought up because one wrote she was the only one bringing bread to the table, which is not true. :) I thank you all for your concerns regarding my job situation, I take it in but there are some serious reasons as to why things didnt pan out, but I dont want the topic to be about that.

My DH does that and works full time so I think you’ve got off lightly

Not what you want to hear but if this was role reversed and you were a stay at home mum I'd say you were getting a very good deal - she does a lot and you are a bit lazy (not doing dishes same day is grim frankly).

From the way you write you dont seem to appreciate your wife or what she does. You are dismissive of her efforts (she cleans surfaces "once a month" I'd love to hear her version, doesn't look after the children properly just plonks them in front of the tv, laundry is a huge task you skip over easily as if it's just dumping stuff in the washing machine )

If i was married to you our relationship would be on the rocks.
I couldn't respect an able bodied man who had the luxury of an undergrad and post grad education and was not only happy to sit on his arse and claim from the state but also to let me his wife do most of the heavy lifting in the relationship.

You seem to think she should be mad grateful to you for your sub 50% lift -
I would be short and negative with you too!!!

I reread your OP again and saw that your DP does all the cleaning except vacuum one a week, and all the laundry as well as pick up the DC from school.

You really are taking the piss. I'm not sure what you're doing all day.
I'm guessing you're in Australia.

I find it hard to believe you've been unable to find any type of job at all, not even casual.
Have you ever had a paid job?

Dysfunctional marriage by the sound of it. You are lazy in not getting a job, any job, and working your skills up. You should be doing all the grunt work in the house. When I was a SAHM I did everything and it wasn't rocket science, just good organisation. DH worked long hours and only took over at weekends so I started to go to work. We worked as a team.

After Jackies post I will not participate anymore. Too toxic. If my intentions were to portray her in a false or bad way, I could easily have lied and write much better things about myself. Whats the point in that?

You sound like a lazy bum. I don't blame your GF and MIL for being fed up.

Problem solver and communication to the world and managing the economy

Christ - anyone would think you were running the UN, not a stay at home dad to school aged kids.

🤣🤣🤣
Okay crack on son....