Not sure what to think.

[FlaptheWings]

I would really appreciate some advice, as my head is all over the place.

I am a single mum of three, having separated from my ex partner about a year ago. I'm in my 40s now, and my ex, and my ex-husband before him, are the only two men I've had relationships with, as I've always been very shy and lacking in self-confidence. Also, my mum has always been very judgmental about sex and whatnot, so I guess I've always been a bit prudish as well, if that makes sense?

As I've got older, my attitudes have changed a bit, thinking that sex is entirely natural, and it really doesn't matter how many people somebody sleeps with etc.

Anyway, a few days ago I got a message out of the blue from a guy who grew up near me, and I still see around sometimes. He's a few years older than me and so has never been on my radar really. He started the message quite chatty, then went on to say that he had a real thing for me and liked my breasts etc, and that he had sexy thoughts about me. I was shocked as it was so out of the blue, but actually felt quite turned on. He was angling at exchanging pictures but I said no, as I don't think that's ever a great idea.

Anyway, I have been thinking about it and still feel quite flattered and turned on by it all, but a wee voice is in my head saying that I should be furious and that he's acted disrespectfully, and that I need to have more self-respect. So now I'm very confused. Should I be angry, or is it perfectly normal for people to do this? Any thoughts would be very much appreciated. I'll check back as often as I can, kids permitting!

There is nothing "flattering" about this. This man is a fucking creep, and I'm alarmed you don't seem to realise this. Block him immediately and work on your self-esteem and boundaries.

Hey @FlaptheWings, I’m with Aqua on this. It’s creepy and inappropriate. I had a similar thing happened to me, from someone I had worked with a long time ago. I messaged him back to say that it was totally inappropriate and then blocked him. Can you imagine ever doing something like that to a man you vaguely know? Ugh, just no.

Okay thank you. This is exactly what I mean, I find it hard to know what's normal between people who aren't hung up about sex. I don't want to spend my life being uptight and prudish, but nor do I want to go too far the other way. My self-esteem definitely needs work, I agree.

I’d be a bit pissed. He’s a casual acquaintance who hasn’t spoken to you for ages and within a few texts is asking you to strip off and send him pics so he can get his jollies? What’s in it for you?

I’m all for friends with benefits. If both parties have the same expectations and treat the other with respect it can work brilliantly. But what benefits are you getting here? He’s not respecting you. He’s just being a massive creep.

So he just contacted you out of the blue and said that? He didn’t exactly ask you out or woo you in any way did he? You know he’s just after a shag and trying his luck?

He’s a perv, no it’s not okay.

It’s ok OP, we all have to figure out what’s normal in relationships/dating and what’s not. I’m glad you posted here to get some advice rather than jump into something with this guy (or god forbid, send him pictures. Your instincts were absolutely right to refuse to do so!). It’s tough to navigate around men when you have been out of the game for a while. Take your time, work on yourself and trust your instincts always.

Thanks everyone. My instincts were starting to say it wasn't really great, but I wondered if that was my mum's voice in my head that says that sex should only be in a committed relationship and should never be fun at all!

Pictures are definitely a no-go for me, so I won't be sending anything!

Any recommendations for anything I could read or watch that would help to build healthier attitudes? I try to be open and honest with my kids and avoid any shaming language, but clearly I have work to do on myself.

No suggestions re what to read but it’s great that your instincts alerted you that this was off. It’s not prudish to want to be treated like a person before engaging in sex. This guy sounds like a right creep and incredibly entitled. And btw: if he thinks it’s okay to approach women like this, you won’t be the only one he’s doing this to.

I’m well into middle age now but the more I read things like this the more I despair of my teenage daughters meeting a decent guy if this is the kind of attitude to women that dating apps and on-line porn have created.

I don’t think you have work to do on yourself just because you don’t want to send sexy pics to Mr Sleazy (or indeed anyone).

God, what on earth made this sleazy creep think it's appropriate to send those messages.

Block him OP but first tell him he has turned out a pathetic perv. What happened to asking someone on a date, getting to know them and taking it to the next level??

This has been really helpful. Thanks everyone.

I just don't have much clue. It was always drummed into me not to sleep around etc, and girls who had different boyfriends would be criticised and looked down on. I now find it hard to tell the difference between behaving perfectly normally, and having no self-respect and letting men walk all over me. Thankfully I haven't acted on anything though.

I married my ex-husband when I was 25. I met him when I was 22 and he was my first boyfriend. I slept with him and felt then we had to get married. It's all a bit messed up.

Well - you did feel a little turned on by those messages. So why not play him and use him for your gain?
Not suggesting pictures or meeting him. But I’d chat with him just for fun.
It does sound like you are coming out of your shell with regard to sexuality, so what’s to lose?

And btw - have you seen him recently? For him to be this direct and descriptive - there must have been some recent interactions. And if not - I’d ask him what made him thing of texting me, etc.

Omg is this what men in there forties are up to I'm staying single!! I wouldn't entertain it either it's creepy

no I haven't seen him for ages. He said in his message that he hadn't seen me around and was I okay. I moved to the next town last year when I split from my partner.

I did feel turned on by it because it's been such a long time since somebody expressed any sexual attraction for me. My last relationship was sexless for the last couple of years.

I had similar OP from a guy that was a year or 2 above me at school, it's started nice and chatty but then quickly moved to him wanting to be "naughty" (his word for it)

We have lots of mutual friends from school and living in the same town and I could see from certain posts on FB that he had a girlfriend and that she was an air steward and away a lot.

I told him he's a creep and asked if his girlfriend knows he messages other woman, he blocked me straight away. Loved seeing the horrified look in his face though when I started chatting to his girlfriend one night at the bar in a local pub.

I wouldn't be surprised if your letch is also I a relationship.

@FlaptheWings

Life is short and is whatever you make it.
If what your relationship after at this point is to put your energy into dating and finding a life partner - then I’d block and focus on the search/dating.

If, however, you are ok with a casual arrangement for a while - to experience and enjoy your newly resurrected sexuality - this guy is as good a candidate as any others.
At least you know him a bit. Vs meeting a total stranger on Tinder.

You can of course look for both at the same time. And it may be possible.

It’s up to you really. You haven’t had an easy relationship with sex in your previous relationships. And as you said - you maybe be changing and becoming a bit more comfortable with it.
So - if you want to do something different to your ‘normal’ - don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it.

Here's the thing, sex requires trust, which requires that you have to know someone well as a person.
If you're sexting or sending pics or even having sexy phone calls which can be recorded of course then you have to trust the other person not to copy and share with the world... Not now, not next year, not in three years' time when they've moved away and think you won't find out...
And sex itself, well you're naked and alone with someone much stronger.

It's one thing to say you don't want to restrict sex to men you plan to settle down with, and another to say you're happy to do sexual things with people you don't really know well.
Never mind morals, just be clear on the risks and consequences and make your judgements accordingly.

On top of that, quite a few men are really not that good in bed, so if you're wanting to enjoy sex I'd suggest the Lovehoney site as a first stop rather than Tinder or random sleazes from the past who you knew vaguely once! That and erotic fanfic ;)

It's very confusing! On the face of it, I know he's being fairly sleazy by contacting me like that, but on the other hand I can't help feeling a bit turned on about it. I've never had very good sex, but since being single I've got myself a rather wonderful rabbit toy and I'm enjoying myself and feeling like a sexual person.

I need to have a good think about what I want from life. Do I want another long term relationship? Not sure that I do. I just want to be happy, feel good about myself and have fun.

I think you do need to have some fun. Of course you can if that's what you want to do it's your body you get to decide. I don't think his approach was very nice tho and he is just out for a shag but if that suits you at the moment then that's ok too. It's up to you ! No one else. You need to be in control of it tho and set your own boundaries Good luck.

This may be an unpopular opinion but for me it would hinge on whether or not I fancy him. It also depends on what you're looking for. If you're just up for a bit of fun with no attachments then I don't see the harm in cautiously flirting back & seeing where that takes you (with zero tolerance for coercion of any kind!!) . If you're looking for love/a relationship then this guy is obviously a no no.

I do quite fancy him, but he's a bit older than me so although I know him we haven't been in the same circle really. I know he definitely isn't relationship material, and I agree he's probably just out for a shag, so I think I might see how things go. It's lovely getting some attention after all this time and feeling a bit flirty!

Flirting and getting attention would be great if he had done it in a less creepy way :)
Totally normal to feel a bit randy when thinking about sex if you haven't had it for a while. And totally fine if you are both just out for a shag.
But randomly contacting people you hardly know on FB and talking about their breasts is disrespectful and stalkerish.

If by "not relationship material" you mean a bit of a playboy, I wouldn't warn you off all playboys, though. If you fancy discovering the joys of decent sex, a confident, experienced man is not a bad start.

I think it’s fine if you take it for what it is. A flirt and perhaps developing into string free sexual exploration. Why not?
I don’t even think it’s all that bad of him to message you and say he’s found you attractive. To me it’s at least honest.