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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure what to think.

38 replies

FlaptheWings · 18/04/2021 14:15

I would really appreciate some advice, as my head is all over the place.

I am a single mum of three, having separated from my ex partner about a year ago. I'm in my 40s now, and my ex, and my ex-husband before him, are the only two men I've had relationships with, as I've always been very shy and lacking in self-confidence. Also, my mum has always been very judgmental about sex and whatnot, so I guess I've always been a bit prudish as well, if that makes sense?

As I've got older, my attitudes have changed a bit, thinking that sex is entirely natural, and it really doesn't matter how many people somebody sleeps with etc.

Anyway, a few days ago I got a message out of the blue from a guy who grew up near me, and I still see around sometimes. He's a few years older than me and so has never been on my radar really. He started the message quite chatty, then went on to say that he had a real thing for me and liked my breasts etc, and that he had sexy thoughts about me. I was shocked as it was so out of the blue, but actually felt quite turned on. He was angling at exchanging pictures but I said no, as I don't think that's ever a great idea.

Anyway, I have been thinking about it and still feel quite flattered and turned on by it all, but a wee voice is in my head saying that I should be furious and that he's acted disrespectfully, and that I need to have more self-respect. So now I'm very confused. Should I be angry, or is it perfectly normal for people to do this? Any thoughts would be very much appreciated. I'll check back as often as I can, kids permitting!

OP posts:

Kittykat93 · 19/04/2021 15:40

LOL at him saying he likes your breasts 😂😂 how original. He sounds like a creep.

Original poster

FlaptheWings · 19/04/2021 15:46

Isadora2007 he's a bit of a Jack the lad type, so I wouldn't imagine he'd be all hearts and flowers! It's the sheer out-of-the-blueness that's taken me aback.

I grew up in a small village, and he lived near me all through my childhood. I still live nearby and so does he, so I see him around now and again. I was bullied as a child and teen (not by him) and had no confidence and was convinced everyone thought I was a bit of a joke. I am starting to re-evaluate a lot of that thinking now. As I say, we were brought up very strictly and not allowed out with the other kids to play, and my dad was an alcoholic so my mum was a bit paranoid in case we told anyone about that. He was also abusive to me, although my mum didn't know that at the time.

I suppose just from talking to people from my past, and then this guy getting in touch, maybe I made myself an outcast, rather than anyone thinking badly of me? I don't know, everything just seems so different now to a year ago when I left my ex!

OP posts:

Kittykat93 · 19/04/2021 15:55

Thing is op you sound so flattered but a lot of men sadly will go with anything with a pulse if its offered on a plate. You dont have to jump into bed with any man that makes a comment on your tits. Just raise the bar a bit..

Original poster

FlaptheWings · 19/04/2021 15:59

kittykat I know that, and it's not like I go around throwing myself at men. I'm actually very shy and quiet. It's not something that I would have expected in a million years.

OP posts:

Sooobooored · 19/04/2021 16:00

He doesn’t sound like somebody you could trust if you just want to get back in the saddle.

ravenmum · 19/04/2021 16:19

Throw yourself at whoever you like Flap! Just watch out for your safety. And maybe look outside the village if you want to keep things private.

TedMullins · 19/04/2021 16:25

We need more context here. If he text you and opened with “hi, I’ve not seen you in a while and I’ve got a thing about your tits” then no, that’s creepy and gross. But if he text you asking how you are and got into a conversation which then flowed into mutual flirty/sexual messages, that’s fine. Really depends on how it was introduced into the conversation.

There’s nothing wrong with consensual casual sex and I disagree you have to know someone well to sleep with them. But there is a line between not knowing them well and listening to your instincts. If he went straight to sexual comments with no prior conversation id worry he was entitled and misogynist and wouldn’t really understand the concept of consent. If he took the latter approach and the sexting evolved naturally I’d just have some fun!

Original poster

FlaptheWings · 19/04/2021 16:38

TedMullins it was kind of in the middle. He started by asking how I was, and then asking after my mum and brother. But he very quickly moved to saying he had a "thing" about me and it went from there.

OP posts:

TedMullins · 19/04/2021 18:46

@FlaptheWings

Hmm. I’m not sure about him from what you’ve said, sounds like he whizzed through some pleasantries but didn’t actually want to engage in a conversation, and was thinking more about his dick. Even if you just want a shag, it’s nice to actually talk to and make an effort with the person! If your instincts are telling you something’s off, I’d trust them. I’ve had conversations of a sexual nature with a few men I was casually seeing (over time, not all at once!) and the most comfortable and enjoyable were the ones that evolved naturally from both of us. The ones that made me block them were when they were clumsily shoehorning sex into a normal conversation and not reading my cues. They suggest selfishness at best and a lack of regard for boundaries at worst.

Original poster

FlaptheWings · 20/04/2021 18:28

I think I'll just wait and see how it all plays out. I can't deny though that it has made me super turned on, and made me realise how much I want and deserve decent sex. I've always enjoyed sex but never had very good partners, and my last relationship was sexless for about 2 years! Combined with the attitudes I was brought up with, I reckon I've been selling myself short all these years!

OP posts:

TedMullins · 20/04/2021 19:26

If you think it’s mainly your ingrained hangups making you doubt things, rather than being wary of him as a person, then go for it. Trust your instincts but don’t deny yourself pleasure because of the sexist ideas you were raised with

Original poster

FlaptheWings · 20/04/2021 19:34

Thanks TedMullins. I won't rush into anything. I'll just enjoy how I'm feeling just now and see where it goes. My upbringing makes me wary of everybody, and I also had the idea that I was completely undesirable as a person, so the whole thing has rocked me quite a bit (not necessarily in a bad way!).

OP posts:

Monr0e · 20/04/2021 21:49

You don't have to be hung up on sex to find this sleazy and creepy.

It may be nice to get attention but you already know his character, it sounds like usual behaviour for him. If you're happy with it fine, but personally, I wouldn't be setting my bar so low.

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